To be sick to death of being treated like dirt by my teen.

[fc301]

1st time OP so go gentle.
Eldest DC is 14. She is almost always aggressive and selfish. This has been going on for about 8 years as she is desperate to be independent of me.
Generally I try to rise above but every now and then (like today) I lose it and assert that I will not be treated like this. DH generally takes her side / keeps the peace.
Just need some reassurance and advice as I am learning on the job here.
Background I've just spent about £500 (which we can't afford) redecorating her room, new bed, duvet cover, blind, printer(!) hence my frustration...

[formerbabe]

I don't agree that they behave this way because you let them, that is too simplistic. Some kids are just harder than others

I completely agree.

My ds is 12 and can be completely obnoxious to me. He has a nice life...we're a nice family, we have a nice house, he is clever and popular at school. He is loved and has everything he needs. Yet he can speak to me like I'm shit. Op...you have my sympathy.

[Purpletigers]

Just realised this is years old .

[Purpletigers]

I was a god awful teen . I would have benefited from some counselling and medical investigation . Is this an option going forward ?
In my defence , it was most likely severe pms. I needed help . I didn’t get any .

[Firebe]

I've just found this, it could have been me writing this post. Has she changed? Like you my dad is a controlling person, as someone said the other day he gets caring mixed up with interfering. Like you, I worry about how she will become. She is unsympathetic, lacks empathy, lazy but again, with others I see a glimmer of loveliness. Also like you husband doesn't back me up, causes so many rows, I am very unhappy, if I could run, I would.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

A pattern that has taken 8 years to establish isn't going to be solved with a few parenting tips. There is plenty of advice people could give you but both of you have been swimming in this sea for so long that it's going to take a lot to change things and a long time, some of which will be 'worse before it is better'. Parenting classes, hopefully for both you and DH. For a start.

Also I loved How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. But that is in addition to classes.

[GoldFishFingerz]

Can you go to counselling together?

Is she secure in feeling loved?

[hellsbellsmelons]

I hear ya!
My DD was a horror.
I had no-one to back me up or undermine me.
No fun at all.
But..... She hit 16 and really turned it around.
She's a lovely 18 YO now.
This will pass but you do need your DH to be on the same page as you and back you up.
It won't work otherwise!

[nickEcave]

Oh god, this could be my DD and she is 6 now! She has no real conception of herself as a child - she thinks she is an adult and should be completely independent. She will not let me help her with anything, eg. insisted on dressing herself from the age of 2, tried to leave school and come home by herself at the age of five. It is an integral part of her personality and I have to try and facilitate her independence as much as possible whilst trying to keep her safe. It is exhausting and I dread the teenage years so much as she is already a real risk-taker with no sense of danger.

[BombadierFritz]

if this has been ongoing since 6' it is not just a "teenage phase" which makes me wonder if there is more going on. in what ways does she not understand the effect of her actions on others? does she have many friends for example?

[jellybeans]

I don't agree that they behave this way because you let them, that is too simplistic. Some kids are just harder than others. Some teens give hell. I have 4 teens and a younger child. 1 of my teens was extreme hard work, as described but with agression. She was very angry with us and constantly told us we were shit parents etc. She had the very bad temper etc from a toddler. Behaviour at school etc perfect. Very rarely to grandparents.

The stress it causes and impact on family is horrendous. DD moved out to uni and with friends at 18 and we get on well now with just occasional outburst. But I still feel hurt by it sometimes.

Head over to teenage board there are many similar stories.

[SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn]

Our DD's school ran a 'parenting teens' course. If any run in your area I'd highly recommend, Op. Not only helped with strategies but also the comfort of speaking with fellow parents of teens in an environment where we didn't all have to pretend everything was rosy. It also made me identify things in my own attitude/responses which could contribute to conflict and taught tips on how to diffuse. We still have our 'moments' and DD regularly drives me nuts (as I do her) but communication and mutual respect feel much healthier now. I do feel for you - navigating these teen years can be grim and has the potential to make you feel utterly powerless but you're not and it can get better.

[hookiewookie29]

So you know that if she's good at school then it's all for your and her dad's benefit.
She's not your father-let that go.
I'm a Childminder and am always asking the children that have done something 'wrong' " How would you feel if someone did that to you?" or "Would you like it if someone did that to you?" And consequences work a lot of the time as it means their behaviour decides what happens. e.g. " If you don't bring the cups out of your room, then you'll lose your phone till you have"

[annielouisa]

Did her attitude to you have a particular catalyst. What happened when she was 6 that changed her behaviour towards you? Was it a gradual thing or sudden?

[fc301]

Yes it did start at 6. She is fiercely independent. Trying to teach her about the effect of her behaviour on others. After 8 years it is very exasperating as she is an intelligent girl.
But she does come to me with her concerns so it's not all bad.

[fc301]

PS she's very good at school, she saves it all for me!

[fc301]

No no not violent no.
Thank you so much all of you for your very good advice.
We have glimmers of the nice person underneath.
My father such a narcissist that I do worry about raising someone who cannot take others feelings into account / take responsibility for their actions, which prob makes me a bit paranoid.
Nearly had a divorce tonight, he did back me up to a certain extent ... Ongoing battle I think.
Thanks again.

[MatildaTheCat]

I had a very tough time with ds2. It got better slowly and now we get on really well most of the time. It really improved most when he moved out of the house.

Also agree about dh supporting you. She's got you all nicely trained at the moment if her dad gives in and you are left being the bad cop. That needs to stop.

[BombadierFritz]

has this really been going on since she was 6 years old? what does she do? what is she like at school?

[hookiewookie29]

She only treats you worse because you let her ( sorry if that sounds harsh, but my daughter is 13 so I know where you're coming from!).
Sometimes, my DD will speak like shit to me. I said to her " Do you speak to your Nan like that? No. Your Grandad?No. Your teacher? No.So you don't speak to me like it.If you want to be treated with respect, then you treat me with respect" Go back to basics. Manners. Respect.Boundaries. It's much the same as when she was 5! There's not a heck of a lot of difference! If the dishes are running low in the kitchen, she's the first to go without one if they're in her room.I banned food in my daughters room a while ago after discovering a small landfill in there. Liquid banana still in it's skin is not nice. Don't forget to praise her too-we're all guilty of telling them off, but not giving enough praise or compliments. I watched my daughter doing her homework the other night, and I thought to myself " You are lovely". So I told her. She was slightly stunned-but very pleased.

Parenting is the most shittest, hardest, relentless job in the world. You can read as many self help books as you want-but the kids haven't read them so they can be a waste of time. It's also massively rewarding when you see those little glimpses of niceness. Keep talking to your DD-steer away from 'explosive' subjects and just talk about everyday stuff. Spend a bit of time together even if it's watching Eastenders. But make sure that you keep the lines of communication open and tell her that if she ever needs to talk to you about anything whatsoever, no matter how small, then she can without the risk of being judged.
And don't be so hard on yourself xx

[GreatPointIAgreeWithYouTotally]

You say she is aggressive and selfish. Is she violent? Can you give examples of her behaviour and how you handle it, how dp reacts. Are other siblings affected? We might be able to help if we understand more what's happening.

[LineyReborn]

My sister started this behaviour when she was very young. It was to get my father's attention as much as my mother's. More so probably. It's very damaging for the whole family.

[YouTheCat]

How did you deal with this behaviour when she was 6?

Why can't she get the bus/walk to school?

[LineyReborn]

My older sister is in her 50s and other people are still tiptoeing around her, and I was raised not to provoke her jealousy, anger or upset.

Unbelievable really when you say it like that.

I wish my parents had agreed on dealing with it. Horrible for younger siblings.

[PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon]

Do not tiptoe around here. Dsis is 26 and people are still tiptoeing around her. I find her hard work to be with.
Sometimes you have to do tough love which I know is easier said than done