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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think there is very little I can do to make DD1 attend detention when she is at school and I am at home?

69 replies

WhenTheDragonsCame · 13/09/2016 14:54

A bit of back story. DD1 had an awful year at school last year resulting in 5 fixed term exclusions in 7 months. The reasons for these exclusions included not going to detention, swearing at a teacher, smoking cannabis on the way to school and throwing a table. It was a very stressful time for me and I have told her that I cannot do it again this year. It got to the point where whenever she did anything I would get an email asking me to speak to her at home, I did and it made no difference.

I have just had a call from the school to say that she has skipped 2 lessons today and so has a detention after school, They have said that if she doesn't go to the detention she will get another fixed term exclusion and I was asked to make sure that she went. DD1 does not have a phone, and wouldn't be allowed to use it if she did, and is sat in a lesson. I am sat at home stressing as I have no idea if she will go or not. They have said that she is close to her getting excluded permanently.

She is not going to be allowed internet access tonight but there is very little else I can do that will have any effect. Her pocket money has stopped as she is paying back money she stole from her sister, she very rarely goes out and she doesn't have anything other than the internet that she particularly cares about.

OP posts:

hollie11 · 13/09/2016 14:57

Go to the school and take her to detention......embarrassing her infront of her friends.....might make her think twice next time

kierenthecommunity · 13/09/2016 15:00

Are there any educational professionals involved with her? Behavioural specialists or similar? Them just emailing you to have a word seems a bit slack.

MothersGrim · 13/09/2016 15:06

She seems like she's hurting. Why?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 13/09/2016 15:11

You're only her mum. You're not super human. You can only do as much as you can do. You're giving her sanctions for her unwanted behaviour. . That's not bad parenting or a failure on your part. That's just life.
Are the school supporting you with her behaviour.
Has she been assessed for SN.

Original poster

WhenTheDragonsCame · 13/09/2016 15:22

I can't really go to the school as DD3 is home from school today poorly and she is asleep on the sofa next to me. That is an idea if it happens again though.

She has had a lot going on the last few years, death of step father (exh), moving hours away and changing schools but these behaviour problems have been happening since before all of that.

The school have said they are going to get support for her and social services are coming to see me tomorrow but everything happens so slowly! She has seen CAMHS in the past where we used to live and the psychologist said it wasn't ASD and that he thought she had "emotional issues" so she has had counselling. She has seen a speech and language therapist, a family support team, we have gone to parenting and behaviour sessions together but nothing changes. Apart from I get more grey hair and a little less will to live.

OP posts:

Mycatsabastard · 13/09/2016 15:30

How old is she?

Have you had a meeting with Head of Year, her form tutor and DD all in a room to lay out expectations of her behaviour?

I honestly don't know what to suggest as you clearly have tried every route through supporting her and getting her help. I hope someone else can help you.

ImperialBlether · 13/09/2016 15:31

Does she actually talk to you or does she sit in silence while you tell her off? I find the silent ones are almost impossible to deal with.

She needs to look at the consequences, doesn't she? So one hour of detention is a pain in the arse. Being expelled will mean she doesn't see her school friends again.

She needs urgent help, but the school cannot expect you, at home, to make her go to a detention after school. That's impossible.

How old is she?

BabyGanoush · 13/09/2016 15:47

What happens when she gets excluded? Is she just at home then?

Sounds so hard for you...

Original poster

WhenTheDragonsCame · 13/09/2016 15:49

She is 14, just started year 10.

Yes we had a few meetings last year with the school and she has agreed targets for her behaviour but she has never stuck to them.

She talks to me about some stuff but a lot she keeps to herself. I have tried but she just says things are fine most of the time. She knows that if she continues like this she will have to move schools but it doesn't make any difference. She doesn't have many friends here and the ones she does have she either falls out with or they keep saying they are moving away.

I have spoken to the school and she did go to detention so that is a relief at least.

Thank you for the advice. I will speak to the social worker tomorrow and see if there is anything they can do to help.

OP posts:

Aftershock15 · 13/09/2016 15:51

How old is dd3 (and how unwell). Could she be left alone, or do you have a neighbour how would sit with her? I really think you need to go up to the school and take her to detention as although it is awkward have dd1 excluded will cause even more problems.

I'm assuming you mean no more internet from tonight not just for tonight ? Mine get longer internet restrictions for much minor misdemeanours. For bunking school and then detention it would be at least a month.

kateandme · 13/09/2016 16:04

aww hun sounds shitty but don't despair.i know you must feel like your sinking and cant come back up.but your human and can only be there to the best of your own abilities.she wouldn't want you to hurt like this I'm sure of it from. what little you've said about her as a person it doesn't to me sound like shes a teenager acting out maliciously?or become just as some do quite bad people.its sounds like shes hurting.(but I could be very wrong there.)and perhaps needs something to vent it all out to and this behaviour is doing that.the things over the last few years perhaps pushing her to an edge.
I know its hard when people can seemingly be being horrible or brattish or hateful to you as kids have a way of doing,especially to their mums!!but try to keep loving her,try to keep by her the best you can.letting her know this cant go on can be done in so many way.
beig her mum only you know whether this is her with problems or her being an awful teenager gone too far.
good luck.get as much help as you can although I know the wait for that help is disgraceful.keep reaching out.
is there anything you can do together.anything she likes doing that could take her and you out of yourselves for a bit.to step away from the boiling pot.
take care.

wheresthel1ght · 13/09/2016 16:07

Sounds very much like a little girl crying out for help and the school are massively failing her.

If she is struggling to make friends at school do you think she would join external groups like scouts/guides/st John? Or maybe a sporting group like football/hockey/netball that might help her form friendships?

FellOutOfBed2wice · 13/09/2016 16:15

As a teacher I expect support from home but that's more than you can possibly do from home. We have a system where head of year or similar rounds up the detainees at the end of the day. Could you suggest to school that her HOY goes and physically escorts her there from final period?

MamaMotherMummy · 13/09/2016 16:22

I was like this when I was at school. I was massively frustrated, and felt lost, alone, and against the world.

My mum was tearing her hair out and had lots of little chats with me, but none of them touched the emptiness and pain i felt deep within me. They only skimmed the surface. So the behavior continued.

Do you have a close relationship?

Her self esteem must be pretty poor as well I'd imagine, as she doesn't deem it worth investing in her own future by doing well in school.

Is there anything she enjoys? What is she into?

PerspicaciaTick · 13/09/2016 16:25

I'm glad she went to her detention. Take a moment to praise her for handling the detention maturely today, tell her it really helps to start rebuilding your trust in her. She needs to learn that she'll get a positive response from you when she makes the right decisions (and yes, I realise that today it is just the smallest of tiny baby steps).
The school have punished her for her behaviour in school, you are restricting her internet access. You have RL support (gradually) being lined up. I don't think there is much more you can do today.

delboysfileofax · 13/09/2016 16:30

The school are massively failing her?? She's failing herself. I think the schools should have the ability to just expel pupils like that for the sake of the children who do want to be there.

titchy · 13/09/2016 16:33

I noticed you only said you'd ban the Internet for one night. That's seems remarkably lenient. I'd be banning for a LOT longer. Could you?

situatedknowledge · 13/09/2016 16:33

Great news that she went to detention. Baby steps!

harderandharder2breathe · 13/09/2016 16:34

Sounds a bit like one of my Guides. She was a lovely girl but had a few hard knocks in life in a short time frame and completely changed. In Guides it's all only ever minor stuff, maybe the smaller group helps, but I think at school she gets in trouble a lot.

If she could take up something like that, where adults take an interest when they don't have to cause its not school or family, I think that's really beneficial for young people. Not guides necessarily as your dd would be the older age range and probably wouldn't think it's cool, but something she can do that's a positive thing in her life.

MamaMotherMummy · 13/09/2016 16:34

Personally I think banning the Internet won't make one bit of difference, no matter for how long.

harderandharder2breathe · 13/09/2016 16:35

Oh and good she went to the detention!

Goodasgoldilox · 13/09/2016 16:36

Who would be 14 again - it is tough. It is tough parenting too.

Praise is good - and you have probably tried rewarding good behaviour as it happens. How about something longer term- to 'save up' for? Something she really wants to have or to do that she can earn by cutting down on the negative messages sent home? At 14 she is likely to be able to wait for a really special reward.

(A plan for this would need to allow her some wriggle-room as it looks as if she is likely to fall down on occasions)

MamaMotherMummy · 13/09/2016 16:36

I agree with harderandharder2breathe about somewhere she can go where other adults take an interest and she could do stuff she enjoys.

PumpkinPie9 · 13/09/2016 16:37

OP.

I agree with Take a moment to praise her for handling the detention maturely today, tell her it really helps to start rebuilding your trust in her. She needs to learn that she'll get a positive response from you when she makes the right decisions

BillSykesDog · 13/09/2016 16:38

Have you tried 'love bombing' as a solution for her? It's supposed to be good where punishment isn't working. Good book on this:

www.amazon.co.uk/Love-Bombing-Childs-Emotional-Thermostat/dp/1780491379

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