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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to insiat that certain parents accompany their badly behaved children at my sons party

137 replies

caroloro · 12/09/2016 20:19

So. Last year my son had a whole class party (film and popcorn in a village hall) and two boys in particular caused utter mayhem. I had to move them to a different part of the hall in the end. Now, if I invite them this year, I want to make it clear that I want a parent with them. I can't ignore 20 kids to deal with the behaviour of two. Does this seem unreasonable? Also, how would I put it? Due to the behaviour of your son at my sons party last year, if he's coming this year, I need you or another adult there to take responsibility for managing him? Seems a bit rude! These boys rarely get invited anywhere, bless them, so I don't want to exclude them, but honestly, they're veryvery difficult!

OP posts:
Stevefromstevenage · 12/09/2016 23:12

I have a child with autism and I would be quite happy to accompany him to a party if I heard he had been behaving badly at another party. Parents of children with SN know that their children often need additional supervision.

I would speak to the parents and say that their child was difficult to manage in the big group because they got boisterous, as children do when excited. However you do not feel you could manage the child without their presence so you need them to come if they are sending XXXX.

Then it is up to them.

jcalel80 · 12/09/2016 23:14

I wouldn't invite them . My post wasn't saying They did have sn just saying those things could simply be the boy not wanting to take part

Aeroflotgirl · 12/09/2016 23:14

Please do not put bad behaviour with ASD, op has said they have not!!!!!' Please read her posts. The parents do not sound like the type to accompany their kids. Why should op deal with that a third time.

brasty · 12/09/2016 23:15

OP has already told them that their DC was badly behaved. Any decent parent would have been apologetic and offered to accompany next time. Instead the parent didn't seem bothered.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/09/2016 23:17

They were not boisterous, but behaving badly. Pouring drinks on heads, pulling cushions from under people, throwing food!

Lunchboxlewiswillyoumarryme · 12/09/2016 23:20

That is my worst nightmare that,that is my child..sends chills to the bone..funny coz a friend just asked me to stay and help her at a party ,rather than just drop of...I'm wondering if she's being tactful ,or really needs my help

Lunchboxlewiswillyoumarryme · 12/09/2016 23:23

Seriously,be honest with the parent...hi such and such was a tad lively last time,could you stay this time pls...what normal caring parent could refuse such a request ..failing that don't invite the rat bags...I've had to not invite a close friends child as he's horrendous even when she's there..couldn't face seeing what he was like with her not there.good luck

NoFucksImAQueen · 12/09/2016 23:35

Shock they laughed in your face!
You would be massively unreasonable to invite them. They've had. 3 years and 3 chances and have ruined every single party. This is about your son, not them.

ThriftyMama · 12/09/2016 23:43

The danger in writing "child + parent" on the invite is that the child turns up without the parent staying and you are back to square one.

Being left out can be crippling, perhaps you could make them your helpers - idle hands and all that. Might limit the headache a little ...

Hillfarmer · 12/09/2016 23:48

Just don't invite them.

Please don't do that Just ask the parent nicely to stay at the party with their son.

Why do you think an officious 'Due to the behaviour of your son last year...' woud be inoffensive? You're not a train announcer! It would really offend me if someone added that to a party invitation. If there are only 22 of them, then surely you have an email or phone number for the parents ? Be nice and do it personally. Just ring saying you're following up the invitation to see if he is coming and ask for someone to stay 'just in case' they're needed.

I have a son with Asperger's syndrome - sometimes he kicks off, but more often he will take himself away from the main scene and play by himself or wander into an area he's not supposed to be in e.g. if it's a party in a hall or gym, he'll find where all the gym equipement is stacked up and start climbing. I have never left him at a party on his own, but they're only 7 so quite a few other parents waft around.

Only once has anyone asked me specifically to stay. It is never easy to hear that as a parent, but I totally get it and of course assured them that I would. I was probably a bit offended because I don't need to be asked to supervise my child. And yes, it does bite because it reminds me of my ds' 'difference', which will always be with us. He enjoys being involved and he is accepted and loved as part of his class. If he was excluded, I would be very very upset and would much rather hover discreetly to make sure he was included.

Soloman has got it right:

I love that magical ability to differentiate between sn and naughtiness, as though every parent would explain their child's sn to you.

OP, I'm sure the parents would be happy to come in return for the boys being invited. Just ask them.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/09/2016 23:53

Big eye roll, op has said that they have no sn, their behaviour was unacceptable, she gave them 2 chances, twice their behaviour wasent good. Their parents do not sound like the type to stay I don't think! They were not kicking off, or having a meltdown, but were behaving like they were in a chimps tea party. No don't invite them, this year have the oRty yiur ds wants, not ruined by children that cannot behave.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/09/2016 23:54

I don't think they will be op little helpers somehow, judging by how they laughed in her face when she tried to address their behaviour!

Aeroflotgirl · 12/09/2016 23:57

I hate it when people use sn beside bad behaviour, op has said that the boys dont have sn so they are kids that are not well behaved, and you get nt kids who are badly behaved believe it or not. It's insulting to say kids who are badly behaved all have sn!

maninawomansworld01 · 13/09/2016 00:00

After last years behaviours just don't invite them.
If anyone asks why, tell them exactly why and do not sugar coat.

The rest of the kids should not have their birthday party spoilt by two children who cannot behave. As adults we can pontificate about the reasons and make allowances but your DS is 10 and just wants to have a nice party with his pals.
There is a time and a place to teach your kids about being inclusive and understanding - at their own birthday party is not it.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/09/2016 00:01

At a go Kart track where safety and listening to instructions are paramount, not bloody way would those two be invited, they have demonstrated that they cannot behave properly and safely at previous parties. And will ruin the experience for op ds.

Hillfarmer · 13/09/2016 00:05

Oh Eye Roll off Aeroflot

OP asked if she should ask the parents to attend with their annoying kids, I said 'Yes' and backed that up with my reasoning. What's your problem with that?

ScarlettSahara · 13/09/2016 00:06

OP You have been very kind to these boys but honestly I would not invite them again. The parents would probably not take kindly to being asked to stay because of their sons' behaviour or if they did stay may well be ineffectual as others have said. As others how are they going to learn that certain behaviour is not allowed & will have consequences?

My DD and I felt sorry for a girl (bit of a loner) at her old school and invited her to my DD's parties. She did not join in much at 2 of them and was awkward but the last one at soft play & then mini disco she was hitting kids (from DD's new school). Spoiling the organised games, running around & encouraging 2 others to do so when we were trying to serve food and then hit DD on the head. Her mum who had not stayed was a pleasant lady & I really don't think she would have believed me. My friend reckoned this girl did not like my DD being centre of attention. In the end I told this girl that I would have to ask her mum to take her home if she did not behave. DD was very upset & felt her party had been ruined.

If you really want to risk it I would think you would have to warn the boys about no food throwing & doing exactly as they are told right at the start or they will have to be sent home & you would need to ask that parent contact details are given at drop off.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/09/2016 00:09

I guess I don't agree she should, but at the end of the day it's up to her. I personally would not.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/09/2016 00:24

They might turn their phone off when your ds are at the party so they don't hear it, or if they do come with their dc, be about as useful as a chocolate fireguard.

NightCzar · 13/09/2016 01:52

I think if you invite the parents they might see themselves as guests and not help much.

Like when you invite an older sibling's friend, to be nice, and they think they're a real guest and cry if they don't win etc. not that I'm bitter

It would be nicest if you had some extra adults on hand, of your own. Or an entertainer who holds their attention.

NightCzar · 13/09/2016 01:56

Or is there a way to organise it so that they are separated and they might behave better.

kali110 · 13/09/2016 02:04

I'd let your son invite the class bar these two.
If it was just the last party i'd say don't leave them out give them another chance, but it's not just one party they've been disruptive in!
They clearly don't care when you tell them off, so why would this be any different?
What happens if the parents leave, don't want to stay or have no control either and the same thing happens this year?
Your son shouldn't have to have a smaller party so these two boys don't feel bad, when they've consistently been rude and naughty when you've given them chance after chance.

kali110 · 13/09/2016 02:06

Even if you had extra help what happens if they take no notice of them? They weren't bothered when you told them off.

MommaGee · 13/09/2016 02:07

If you go Karting, tbe guys running tbe tracks will haul their ass off pretty quickly if they misbehave ime. Our instructors have always been pretty full on.
However agree with asking their parents - the one you see you can do directly perhaps - goven hos behaviour pver the last 3 years, i'm nervous about inviting X to go carting where he's potentially at risk however S would like him there - are you happy ot stay and keep an eye on hin. If she's offended she can choose to not send him. Equivalent in letter to mom you don't see

wayway13 · 13/09/2016 02:12

This is the one day of the year when everything can be all about your son. He should be able to have the party he wants without it being ruined. I wouldn't invite the two boys. OP has said one has a mother who acknowledges behaviour and laughs it off whilst the other's parents don't seem to care. The boys' behaviour has been bad for the past few parties so is unlikely to have improved. Put your son first!

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