...to insiat that certain parents accompany their badly behaved children at my sons party

[caroloro]

So. Last year my son had a whole class party (film and popcorn in a village hall) and two boys in particular caused utter mayhem. I had to move them to a different part of the hall in the end. Now, if I invite them this year, I want to make it clear that I want a parent with them. I can't ignore 20 kids to deal with the behaviour of two. Does this seem unreasonable? Also, how would I put it? Due to the behaviour of your son at my sons party last year, if he's coming this year, I need you or another adult there to take responsibility for managing him? Seems a bit rude! These boys rarely get invited anywhere, bless them, so I don't want to exclude them, but honestly, they're veryvery difficult!

I think you are being really thoughtful and if I was the mum asked by you to attend to "help out" then I wouldn't be offended, maybe the mums know their kids are naughty / cheeky and want to escape or maybe they are unaware of any issues.
Either way it is not Unreasonable to ask for some help to manage 22 kids!
SN or not , it's stressful and its lovely you want to include everyone

One of my sisters is a teacher for children with additional needs and I usually invite her as she is brilliant at keeping disruptive children (who may or may not have additional needs) calm and having fun.

If she can't come I invite my BIL who was in the RAF he's very kind but exudes an air or authority

My point is that if the parents were going to be helpful they'd offer to stay so your best option is to rope in extra helpers.

Trouble is how do you know who does/doesn't have special needs? It's not like children wear badges.

It doesn't matter whether they have special needs, does it? Regardless of whether any SN is the reason for the difficult behaviour The OP doesn't feel able to supervise them without help and to still run the party. That's all there is to it.

Thanks for that. I am not an uptight parent with expectations of perfection. It is exactly what my son wanted. The other 20 kids had a lovely time. They all bought bean bags/cushions and there was endless chatter and playing around, plus limitless pop, popcorn and hotdogs. They weren't sat rigidly in rows not being allowed to talk! These were nine year olds, not five year olds. These two boys weren't just cheeky/disruptive....they were pouring drinks on people, playing football with full drinks, throwing food, shrieking and pulling cushions out from under people etc. I did address them, and they laughed in my face. No mobile signal in my village so couldn't call their parents.

Yes and often its easier for extra helper to kindly reprimand or distract or reaassure or whatever is necessary when a parent isn't there tbh!

(When a parent is present, everyone sort of looks to them when a tricky situation arises, and if they don't act, it's then more difficult for you or helpers to do so.)

I did address them, and they laughed in my face. No mobile signal in my village so couldn't call their parents.

Don't feel bad about not inviting. You're not responsible for other people's parenting decisions.

X post op, sorry

Sounds really stressful, same thing happened at two of my nephew's parties. Helpers (pref with forces training (😉) is the answer!)

Well in that case their behaviour is enough to allow you not to invite them, but invite everyone else. There are limits!

I think roping in some extra parents (not necessarily the naughty kids’ parents, though do ask them too) is the way to go. Do you have any friends who can help out and keep an eye on the two trouble makers and take them off? Dads or male friends are often quite good at this!

I also think that a film party is a bit tricky for some kids. Some challenging kids really are much better when they are active and doing something structured, perhaps they need a more organised and more physical activity than sitting around on beanbags. Is there any way you could lay on a more active option besides the film? Maybe have an adult or two to take off any kid who wants to play footie for some fun outside or something?

So are you doing a film again? If so, it would make sense to invite the parents and politely mention what happened last year. Then the parents can take them home early if they are disruptive like that again.
If it's a different style of party, it may not be such an issue.

How will they learn though if never invited? Special needs issues aside, if they have been badly parented, it's not their fault really is it if they have never been taught or expected to behave properly? I'm not saying that it's not awful and unfair if they spoil the party for everyone else though so totally sympathise op.

From what you say of their behaviour last time I would not invite them, you're being very nice not wanting to exclude them but it's your dc's day that would be spoiled, I'd be putting his happiness first.

Thanks for the input. The year before we did a leisure centre party and these two were kicking balls so hard at the ceiling they dislodged ceiling tiles and got several balls stuck up there. The year before that we had a disco and they were hiring about. Point is, they haven't improved over time. One of them is 10 and the other is Beauly 10. I don't want to run my sons party for them, it is for my son. I don't want to run two parallel parties. I'm wondering about whether it is OK or kot to insist that a parent accompanies them. I've had this enough years in a row to strongly feel that it's either parent or not coming.

Children who are out of control and don't listen do not get invited again round here. Might be harsh, but makes the party much more enjoyable for everyone.

Just don't invite them. No brainer. Not fair on your son.

The boy that you are talking about that comes in uniform on dress up day could be on the spectrum, I have a son on the spectrum and he goes in uniform on dressing up day as its to much for him.

Do you have anyone else who could help out op? I think if the parents were decent people you wouldn't need to ask. Likely they have no control over the kids behaviour.

Have a smaller party and don't invite them. Thought whole class parties die out after Infant school!

I would be tempted not to invite them especially if they were so disrespectful the year before they are at an age now where they need to realise the consequences of bad behaviour.
Or maybe find a friend who works with kids like a teacher or guide or scout leader and put them on 1:2 supervision.

The boy coming in uniform on non uniform day bus a big SN flag to me. Non uniform day caused my DS to go into total meltdown & even now he has behavioural issues on special days at school.
However I would always be willing to accompany him/support him at a party. Often he just needs a bit of time out.

Neither boy has acknowledged special needs. Its a small school in a small village and I'm a local health professional. The boy in uniform on mon uniform days is just because his parents can't be bothered/don't think it's important. He's never had a birthday party. Hmm.

I have always invited all children especially those who don't usually get invited or who are known to be difficult because my ds and dd have ASD and it hurts to be excluded. The trick is to have a buddy adult for each tricky child and the buddy sticks with them like glue, distracts and redirects and rewards all the way. Wouldn't have a sitting down party though as that can be tricky for some children, we usually had party games with prizes for everyone who took part whether they won or not because knowing they'd get a prize for joining in helped them focus.

After what you've said about their behaviour over the years, I wouldn't invite them at all. You've hosted them plenty of times despite persistent bad behaviour. I find it very stressful dealing with children behaving badly at parties as I don't want to spoil the mood. However I learned my lesson when one child (who was always naughty year after year) broke another child's wrist at a football party by whacking a ball at him, despite being previously asked (nicely) by me to stop kicking the ball so hard. You are responsible for the safety of all your guests and I think you should put it first.

What you should do is to get two adults (have you any relatives or friends you could ask?) and get them to come along to help you supervise these two boys. It isn't a job you can get their own parents to do because a) there is no way of saying it politely and b) they might not stay or even if they do, they might have low expectations re discipline. Are you going to eject them from your party if they don't behave and the parent doesn't intervene?

If you get your own adults, you will have more control.

Oh it's a difficult one. We had two boys slightly younger, at a group I help run who were really disruptive. We soon figured out that if we kept them separated they were both much better behaved. But obviously you need an extra pair of hands for that.
Interestingly their behaviour was worse when their parent was around so I'm not convinced asking the two boys parent/s to attend would help.

Surely they wouldn't know if they were the only ones not invited?