School want DS2 to see a paediatrician, AIBU to think this is unfair?

[Inferno48]

DS1 is Autistic so I've been through the paediatrician appointments etc with him and he has 1 on 1 support at school.

DS2 (Just turned 3) started in the school nursery on Friday, he goes a total of 3 hours a day and it was his second day today. He has never attended a pre-school or similar setting before starting at the nursery.

When I picked him up today the SENCO who I know very well as DS1 is at the same school asked me what I thought about them referring DS2 to see a paediatrician. I asked why as he is completely different to his brother; has good communication, is extremely confident and plays alongside other children. There reasons were that he gets extremely upset if they pull him away from something he wants to play with and they have noticed his play is repetitive at nursery so they think that he needs 1 on 1 support.

He's been there a total of 6 hours and it's come as quite a shock to me so I may be thinking unreasonably but AIBU to think that considering he has never attended a similar setting before and has been there a total of 6 hours this judgement has come too quickly?

He sounds like any other nursery child to me. Sounds like they are going overboard but with his interests at heart I suppose

I'm not in the uk so I may be wrong but a friend had a similar thing happen here and she felt they were using her dd2 to bring up the numbers to keep their sna/funding. Is it a numbers things I wonder. 6 hours is nowhere near enough to make any judgements with kids in a new setting, imo

It sounds a bit OTT given that he's only spent 2 days there.

I'm no expert, but unless there's something very obviously different about his behaviour, I'd have thought they'd need to observe him for a bit longer. He's still adjusting to the new environment and new people after all.

I'd accept the referral gladly. If there are no concerns from the paed it won't go any further you willjust have a paed check your ds over nothing more. FWIW dd2 and ds3 are polar opposites but they both have autism.

My children are autistic. All very different. I also thought two of them wer perfectly fine until I realised they weren't.

It sounds OTT. I know that Autism often runs in families but your ds2 sounds typical so I'd tell the school thanks but no thanks.

I would take it as if you don't any future episodes will be 'scored' against him . Then when the paed sees him as normal you can say what you think ... .

It's far too soon for them to be suggesting this. YANBU not at all. Let him settle in and then see where the land lies.

What harm will accepting the referral do?

It can't do any harm can it?

Given the waiting list, and difficulty getting a referral, why not let them start the process. When/if it comes to a halt, you've lost nothing.

I understand how you feel because with both my children it was someone else who initially raised concerns. And both times I felt a mixture of upset and angry. It took me a while (about 6 months) to accept their concerns as valid both times.

What I've realised is that children sometimes behave very differently in a nursery/school environment than they do at home. Parents like to think the best of their children (naturally!) and you kind of get used to their little quirks, and accommodate them without even realising. And it isn't until someone else points it out that you realise there may be something going on.

You can always accept the referral and, assuming there will be a bit of a waiting list, keep an eye on him and how he settles in at nursery. You can always turn it down at a later date if you feel don't need it.

It does seem a little soon as though they are perhaps pre-judging the child.

However to stop such assumptions in the future surely best thing would be an expert say no that not present in this child.

It's also possible that he still has autism but the presentation impacts on you less than the eldest's so to you he seems fine but to outsiders he's clearly not NT.

Either way I would have thought a detailed talk with the nursery to get to bottom of why they think this and accepting the referral to get a definitive answer would be the best thing to do.

I think it is OTT this soon. Just having to go through this with my son but only because of problems flagged up around Easter.

I grew up with severely autistic sister, worked as a social worker and support worker with children and adults with asd and other difficulties. I understand why you're a bit upset and put out but often another pair or eyes can really see things differently. Let them refer, it won't do any harm. I do agree it's a very short amount of time but I've also made judgements fairly quickly and have always been correct in terms of something not quite right additional needs found. I've got a 2 year old and I'm questioning him a lot atm no one has queried yet but I have suspicions, get on a list no harm nor foul if comes to nought

I have accepted the referral, I'm just upset that they have assumed this so quickly, I keep flicking my thoughts from do they need numbers to they've pre-judged him for some reason.

I knew DS1 needed help, it was pre school that spoke to me about him when he was 2 so that wasn't as much of a shock as this has been because I can honestly say that I've had no concerns whatsoever about DS2. He does throw tantrums when he doesn't get his own way, these have improved dramatically over the last few months but I tend to think what 3 year old hasn't thrown a tantrum?

Thank you for your support, it really has come as a shock and it's nice to hear others views.

My ds was flagged up at nursery from the start because he was different from other children. We listened to whatever they suggested and attended everything offered. In the end, he wasn't diagnosed with anything, but I was grateful for their concern. By the time ds started school I was ready if there was something not right with ds, since I had so much time on my hand to prepare.
So, IME, seeing pead early was very helpful.

They may be jumping the gun but I would go along with it for now and see where it leads - in most cases parents are fighting with the school to get support and referrals.
My friend has 3 children all diagnosed with autism and they are all very different, one in mainstream, one in a unit attached to a mainstream school and one in special school.

I feel it's too early also. However, I suspect dd4 has ASD. Dd2 has an ASD dx. They present in completely different ways, despite both being to the untrained observer, very social.

It wasn't until about 6 or so months ago I thought dd4 could have ASD. She's now 4.5.

I would accept the referral.

I was in a very similar situation. Ds1 has ASD and has difficulty making friends, making small talk, imaginary play and also has obsessions.

Ds2 is the complete opposite. He's very gregarious, has loads of friends, birthday party invitations every weekend, excellent imaginary play, makes small talk with everyone etc. I thought there was absolutely no way he had ASD.
But his preschool teacher had concerns so he was assessed. He was put in an early intervention scheme. I refused to allow them to do an ados for ages because I was convinced that there was no way he had ASD. Eventually, after about a year in primary school the teacher urged me to go ahead with the ados. I was present when it was being carried out and I couldn't believe it when I watched it, it was clear during it that he did have difficulties and he did end up being diagnosed.

I can't believe I couldn't see it. But his teachers and the early intervention team could. I feel really guilty now for resisting the ados.

There may be nothing to worry about but there's no harm in getting him checked out. I was told that once one child has autism in the family it is a good idea to get all siblings screened.

its better to take the referral if theyve noticed something quickly, even more so if there is family history

Mine had diagnoses before nursery/pre school so never had anyone raise concerns but me but what I do know is that we put in place strategies and techniques to support ds3 and this made dd2's autism pretty unnoticeable at home. It wasn't until I saw her in nursery that I realised that it wasn't as unnoticeable as I believed.
The nursery, I think, are trying to be supportive and surely it's better that ds2 is checked now and gets support if needed sooner rather than later? It will take a while to get the appointment through, the nursery might have other concerns to add or they might say they were over cautious and any difficulties were down to being new and suggest you cancel anyway.

Its a rather rude shock I imagine, but agree accept it, as whatever happens its good they are providing help.
good luck

take the referral. no harm done if paed says nothing identified but if yes then you caught early and can get intervention earlier.

compered to your oldest, he may seem non-ASD but compared to other kids, maybe nursery are on the ball.

getting and accepting a referral does not make him have an ASd diagnosis if he doesnt need one! paed will assess - take the referral gladly. start recording any behaviours and keep notes.

as was said above the ADOS is a great assessment tool. if you can access it for your ds2 take it with open arms it will be very clear one way or the other