To think children don't come in pairs

[MerylPeril]

Going for a day trip yesterday with my BF and DD. Texted DDs BF mother to see if she would also like to come (and keep her occupied) she never goes anywhere also.

Mother texts back to say no because I am not taking her much younger sister and she would be jealous!
They didn't do anything else either, just sat at home.

I didn't have room in the car btw and I didn't want to take her even if I did

She's much younger and the girls don't want to play with her, she would spend the whole day hanging off my arm complaining.....

Why can't I invite one FFS

You're being ridiculous CSUK.

CSUK what an odd post.

Siblings being invited to different things by their friends is completely normal. It's not exclusion, it's just how friendship works!

I know a couple of families doing this. The kids are never invited to anything now and have no friends. But it is very fair since they are all left out of all parties and outings, CSUK.

Well, they do have school friends. But no others, too much work to have toddlers or teens there if the kid inviting is 9.

CSUK. Really????? A good family dynamic would be every member being valued as an individual. A child having independence is a very important part of their development, as is learning to cope with disappointment (although I can't remember ever feeling excluded when my brother went out to play with HIS friends I chosen my own). It all sounds like very lazy parenting by not helping a child learn to cope with everything not going their way and expecting one child's family to baby sit both of your kids if the eldest DC is not around to do this for you. Completely fucked up imo. Are you expecting your eldest to wait around to go to secondary school/university/get a job/get married/have kids so the spoilt younger DC doesn't feel left out???

I think her train of thought is madness personally. They're not joined at the hip. It means the older one misses out on things and doesn't seem fair. The younger one will get invited out and to parties at other times. I'm sure it all balances out in the grand scheme of things?

I'm with the earlier poster, my kids are 3 and 1 so if someone wants to take either of them off my hands for a few hours I jump at the chance!

CSUK - seriously odd behaviour.
Would this 'joined at the hip' behaviour apply if you had 7 kids?
Does it apply regardless of age or gender difference?
Does it apply if your kids have different interests ( perish the thought - or different friendship groups).
If one gets chosen for the school team and one doesn't, can they still play?
What if (when) one protests at this forced 'two for one' - is it allowed?
When does their personal and social development stop being regulated - is their an age limit?

CSUK I'm one of seven children maybe my friends parents should have asked us all out?

as I've said I only have a C1 and don't have the room so no point asking again then.

If she was that bothered she would take her own children out (in her people carrier) somewhere than sitting inside on iPads, maybe then they wouldn't be so devastated at the rare chance to go somewhere for the day.

I doubt people who invite DD2 are going to want an older child tagging along either - so this dynamic will change

What if (when) one protests at this forced 'two for one' - is it allowed?

Good question. If your child says "I want to go out with my friends, not my siblings," what do you do?

This is happening with one of DS friends and I'm now reluctant to invite him places. It doesn't help that they are both nightmares as well

I bet you the kids do other things separately, would bet my life on it. This woman just doesn't want her eldest off doing something else on that day or with the OP, had to say something to shit her up so said the first thing that came to mind.

Shut not shit

The younger one is 3 - she's not really at the stage at doing things on her own

They sat in with iPads all day and she watched a box set - she thinks she's very clever managing her children this way and often advises other parents to do this.

And when DD told her BF where we had been her BF looked upset!
Her mother often complains that her DD1 would like to go where we have been

Really I think she just wants rid of both

The younger one is 3 - she's not really at the stage at doing things on her own

They sat in with iPads all day and she watched a box set - she thinks she's very clever managing her children this way and often advises other parents to do this.

And when DD told her BF where we had been her BF looked upset!
Her mother often complains that her DD1 would like to go where we have been

Really I think she just wants rid of both

Oops just found myself mentioned on the thread several times!

I Have no problem with what archery says. My situation was quite different

My friend's son (A) began to find my younger son annoying. Coincidentally, A was a bit lonely at school. His mother effectively asked if we could stop socializing as families and begin to just socialise one on one( her and me, the two older children). Ds1 liked A who he saw as a family friend but he didn't need the extra exclusive friendship. He was already very busy with friends from his own school. There was no benefit to him.

As you can imagine, this "invitation" to fuck up our own family dynamic so that A could socially benefit from exclusive access to ds1 was not appealing. My friend was pretty obtuse about it, even daring to suggest that ds1 would suffer if he did not get one to one time with A. it was time to tell her politely that it wasn't going to happen. We didn't need this in our lives

Not meaning to reflect on you OP! Appreciate that all you did was causally invite a companion.

Sounds like mum wanted older daughter at home to "entertain" younger daughter

That's fair enough lovely. I read your post as though you didn't let DS1 do anything alone because you didn't want DS2 to lose out. That's clearly not what you were saying. In the situation you describe I think your response was right

CSUK - fine that's your idea of a healthy dynamic. It may make things easier at the moment, they may not complain much, you don't have to settle arguments or console or manage disappointments. An easy life for now.

Fast forward a few years. They realise they miss out on things because you've said no, or the oldest is fed up of having to take a younger sibling everywhere or the invites dry up completely for that child. Later on invites start coming for the younger one. They have to trail an older sibling around who cramps their style. Or even worse you relax the rules as they are older and the older one loses out big time, or they are so used to not being disappointed, they haven't learnt how to manage disappointment and are entitled, spoilt brats who aren't invited out anyway.
There is so much opportunity for sibling resentment. Your healthy family dynamic is not so healthy now. It would take an incredible child not to resent not being allowed their own friends and opportunities.

How old are they by the way?

Thanks! x every situation is different.

I sort of regret posting now because it was a real effort at the time not to be angry with my friend and it is bringing back memories....... But I guess she just put A's needs first.

By the way, I hope the other mum never reads this!

Lovely - that does clear things up a bit. If there was no benefit to DS1 then why should you agree to it? I think a lot of us jumped to the same conclusion as total

I sometimes feel sad for my DS when my DD gets invited somewhere and he ends up without a playmate, as he has mild special needs and very few friends. However, I never expect them both to be invited if my DD was going somewhere (would think it odd if they were). Children have to learn that they don't always get what the other does. It might be initially upsetting, but not once they understand. If each child is brought up to think itself entitled to what the sibling has, you're storing up problems for later on.

Thanks dow x

i remember when my dd was still a young baby, i was meeting some friends at the coast so all the kids could play ( i have an older ds). my mum offered to have dd for the day so i could spend sometime with ds, if figured why not, i wouldnt have asked but thought it would my nice for his sake. how wrong was i, my mum came and picked dd up, ds broke his heart and was grumpy all day and i think i would rather have been frazzled and stressed but ds enjoy himself, than stress free and him grumpy.
Whilst they fratch on bad now they hate it if one goes and does something without the other so i know they'll have to learn not to live in each others pockets for ever, sometimes its more trouble than its worth especially now they are older and they can start flinging around the good old you love her more than me etc.

That's a shame runslike the wind. My son was generally pleased if his younger sister wasn't around when she was a baby as it meant I wasn't holding a baby and could play with him, especially if he was at the sea side. It seems odd that he thought a day with granny was more fun than being at the sea side with his parents and friends. I don't think you could have predicted that one.

I think that's different runslikethewind - you are giving your children the choice as to whether they go or not. If they don't want to go somewhere without their sibling that is up to them. That is very different from you expecting the parents of a friend of one of your DC to take the other one too, which is the case with the OP. I am sure as they get older they will change. DD will want to go out with her friends without DS but if they don't for now, then that's fine.