To think children don't come in pairs

[MerylPeril]

Going for a day trip yesterday with my BF and DD. Texted DDs BF mother to see if she would also like to come (and keep her occupied) she never goes anywhere also.

Mother texts back to say no because I am not taking her much younger sister and she would be jealous!
They didn't do anything else either, just sat at home.

I didn't have room in the car btw and I didn't want to take her even if I did

She's much younger and the girls don't want to play with her, she would spend the whole day hanging off my arm complaining.....

Why can't I invite one FFS

DD2 would be so upset and I don't know how to explain you are taking DD1 out and leaving her out

That must be the lousiest excuse I have ever heard.

If it's true the DD2 must be an absolute tyrant.

If not, either she cba to amuse the little one or the elder one actually doesn't want to go.

DD2 would be so upset and I don't know how to explain you are taking DD1 out and leaving her out

That must be the lousiest excuse I have ever heard.

If it's true the DD2 must be an absolute tyrant.

If not, either she cba to amuse the little one or the elder one actually doesn't want to go.

Tempting to reply that her DD2 presumably has her own friends. How the heck does she manage party invitations?

Ah well, you've had enough signals from her about the "coming as a pair". These two clearly do, so much as you may disagree it's time to stop inviting just the one. Personally I wouldn't contemplate dragging DD2 along, I'd just not invite either next time.

I totally understand how you feel and have been on the receiving end of this myself. My Ds2 has a best friend and both boys are 10. Every time I invite my Ds best friend the mother always lets me know how sad her 13 year old daughter will be because she is missing out. I have a 16 year old DD and the mother expects me to invite her 13 year old daughter to come too. But I feel it us totally unreasonable the boys know each other from.school and are best friends my DD and get DR don't even know each other properly and my DD finds her very hard work. There us no way she wants to spend a day with her. I still invite her little boy very often and just ignore her comments about her DD being jealous or bored or sad.

Yanbu, its very restrictive for both her children. My DM used to make my sister take me out to play and later to the roller disco etc with her.

She has let slip over the years how much she fucking hates me angry it made her.

It's sad really and probably contributed to the ruinous relationship we now have.

Dragon, if there are other kids your younger one's age out there then yes, that's different.

DH has been keen to start inviting the girl on small holidays we have (as often there is no extra cost with accommodation, family ticket entry).

Clearly would be wasting my time and will ask elsewhere! Their loss...

It might be that if the girls are still friends in a couple of years the mum will let the older girl do more stuff alone.
It can't be good for younger kids to be always tagging on to someone else's activities rather than developing their own groups of friends.

you are taking DD1 out and leaving her out

Now that message would really piss me off!!!! You're to blame for deliberately being mean and upsetting her child? She could fuck right off.

Do you know - I'm usually on these threads saying if you ask one sister to be a bridesmaid, you ask the other/you invite both twins to a party etc etc. But you are definitely not being unreasonable! Your DD asked HER friend to up out with her. Perfectly fine. Why on earth would you ask the little one? Your DD presumably doesn't play with her? Very odd....

Funnily enough, I had a conversation along these lines in the car with the DC today (aged 5 and 4yo).

Me: Do you want to go to Jamie's party, DS1?
DS1: Yes!
DS2: Me too!
Me: No, DS2. He's DS1's school friend and he doesn't know you. You can only go to someone's party if they know you and they invite you.
DS2: But I can go to Mike(neighbour kid)'s party? I KNOW MIKE!
DS1: I KNOW MIKE TOO!
DS2: WE CAN BOTH GO! AND EAT M&Ms!
DS1: YEAH!

If a 4 and 5yo can sort it out that fast..... that woman is plain silly to have not trained her younger DD up for this.

I know parents who do this too. Every suggestion of a playdate becomes a tortuous negotiation as both her children HAVE to have playdates at the same time. They demand this, and the parents have given into it. These are not little kids, by the way - they're Y6 and Y8.

Madness. Occasionally my two try arguing that if one of them has something the other must too, and I just explain to them how that just results in levelling down and everyone having less overall.

I have twin boys and have had this happen and also one being invited to a birthday party but not the other. I teach them that it will be the other way around at one point and they don't get to go out every time as its the siblings friend and they don't get to go.

As a mum of twins, I used to actively encourage separate outings and visits with friends. It helped them see themselves as individuals.

That is silly, the mum could have spent the time doing something special with the 2nd DD, but it is also her choice what happens to her children.

What's SN?

I agree, it's madness to insist siblings get to do all the same stuff - friendships are individual, not a contract with the whole family!

My kids were 5 years apart in age, so with this approach, I'd insist my toddler went to parties for 7 year olds, and wouldn't allow the older child to start any activities (e.g. cubs, swimming lessons, judo), until he was about 11, so they could both go!
Kids need to be treated as individuals, and supported in the friendships which they form, and hobbies which they want to pursue, not processed and shaped in an identical way, like sausages :-D

I've not encountered this at all. Yes we've had the occasional bit of jealousy when one isn't invited but it's no big deal, we just make the most of the chance to do something just us, usually something the other sibling doesn't enjoy.

Ridiculous. One of the most important lessons we learn as children is that you don't always get to do/have what you want, i.e. 'life's not fair'.

As a child/teen I usually was allowed to take a friend with us when we went places or on holidays. As a parent my children did the same. Never, ever did a parent say "No, Johnny/Mary can't go because sister/brother would be hurt". Thank God, since my childhood best friend had 3 siblings!

I think DD's friend's mum is setting up one child to resent the other because they weren't allowed to do things with their friends, and the other child for a rude awakening when they get older and realize that life isn't fair!

SN = special needs

This is nuts, has parenting become so complicated since mine were little? If mine had been dependant on the other for party/day out invites (boy/girl three years apart) they would never have gone anywhere. I am sure my DS would have loved brownies.

As for "we come as a four" - WTA*? - at what point do you not come as a four? When DC goes to uni? Starts a job? Gets a partner? Has children of their own?

Yours,

mum of two with SN brother who never got invited anywhere but whose parents didn't deny me a chance to enjoy life and who made up for any missing out themselves by taking DB out.

I don't quite get the 'we come as a four' comment either. I understand it's very important not to leave children out but surely any big brother likes having time without his siblings?

OP, I know it's probably frustrating, but please don't stop asking. Maybe she'll relent after realizing that one child is continually being denied treats/trips because of the other.

Tricky area - I try and make it clear if siblings are invited too, then parents can decide. Not all outings/birthdays etc can accommodate everyone, whereas playdates at home or the park usually can.

We had this with DS1's best friend only it was cousins. Their rule was 'if everyone can't play no one can play' which is fine except there were sometimes 9 of them at once including very little children.

It meant this boy missed out on a lot of over the weekends/holidays because they were always there, the only time he had his own space was on weekdays after school.

That sort of micro-managing of children's friendships is bloody weird IMO. It's important for a child's growth and confidence for them to create and maintain individual friendships without us butting in all the time.

Jealous family members will soon get over it.