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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am not an idiot and people should keep their mouths shut/noses out

101 replies

AbandonedIron · 12/09/2016 00:18

NC because my other username is quite identifying and I'd rather this wasn't attached.

I've been seeing a guy for several months, officially "in a relationship" for a month or so now.

We have a happy relationship, very open with each other, I love him and trust him completely. He has a close female friend who lives at the other end of the country, she is planning to come and stay with him for a few days next month. He lives with his cousin and her family who have a spare room but sometimes their mother has to stay with them too to help with childcare and so she uses the spare room.

If his mother is staying whilst the friend visits she will need to sleep in his room. Several of my friends have said I'm stupid for letting this happen and that I shouldn't be ok about it. I was fine with it before they said this and now worry that I'm being a mug.

This friend is important to him, they have shared rooms while on holiday together before he met me and nothing happened. I want to meet her and like her not end up resenting her because I've been talked into being suspicious/ jealous.

AIBU to think that my friends shouldnt be warning me not to trust my boyfriend and basically saying he wont stay faithful because his friend happens to be female?

Friend is slightly younger than us and an attractive looking girl, if that is relevant.

OP posts:
VioletBam · 12/09/2016 00:21

It's very odd. Usually...well most people...would vacate their room for a guest of the opposite sex.

It doesn't MATTER what they did in the past....he's in a relationship now and it's highly suspect that they'd share a room. YABU. Your mates are looking out for you.

GreatFuckability · 12/09/2016 00:24

I share a room with my male friend when i visit him. he's my friend, there is nothing between us in that way whatsoever. YANBU.

toastymarshmallow · 12/09/2016 00:25

I think you are being very naive. Sorry.

fastdaytears · 12/09/2016 00:29

Yeah I wouldn't be happy with that in your situation, and in fact did have pretty much the same circumstances other than us all being 16 and the long distance friend being a gymnast (always remember that detail) which did end up with the inevitable.

But if you've heard your friends out and you're still happy then they should respect that and STFU

DeathStare · 12/09/2016 00:30

I don't think it's odd at all. I'd share a bedroom with any close friend, male or female, if no spare room was available. I have done plenty of times in the past and nothing has ever happened.

If he's going to cheat on you, he's going to cheat on you. Getting obsessive about sharing a room with his friend won't stop that.

LadySorensen · 12/09/2016 00:33

I'm in the position of your boyfriend's friend. My best friend of 13-14 years is a guy and there has never been anything more between us at all; we've been on holidays together, shared rooms and beds in the rare occasion there's been no other choice - I couldn't bring myself to make him sleep on the floor unless it was a single bed!

Definitely keep an open mind about it, at the very least until you can meet her and see the way they interact with each other.

Original poster
AbandonedIron · 12/09/2016 00:34

Thanks for your honesty Violet, why would it suddenly be suspicious for them to share a room now that he is in a relationship- the way I see it is that his relationship status has changed but his friendship is still the same?

OP posts:
leccybill · 12/09/2016 00:34

Can't he stay with you when DM visits?

HelpfulAnon · 12/09/2016 00:35

Yanbu! if you trust him like you say you do then what's the big deal? Don't scare him off by being possessive, as mentioned above, if he's going to cheat he just will. You won't be able to stop it regardless, but he sounds like a reasonable bloke who respects you.... Surely that's enough and you should tell your mates to stay out of your business. I've had friends like this before that just want a bit of shit to stir up, don't listen to them!

AbyssinianBanana · 12/09/2016 00:39

Wait, you've been in a relationship for a month and you already love him and trust him completely?

You don't know him at this stage. At all. Only what he's chosen to show you of himself.

fastdaytears · 12/09/2016 00:40

Actually that's a good point about the timescales...

EttaJ · 12/09/2016 00:42

Far too early on to "love and thrust him completely" after one month!?

VioletBam · 12/09/2016 00:43

He's in a relationship so his priorities must change.

fastdaytears · 12/09/2016 00:43

The thrusting is probably great though

EttaJ · 12/09/2016 00:44

Oops trust not thrust

fastdaytears · 12/09/2016 00:44

Amazing

EttaJ · 12/09/2016 00:45

fastday ha I bet! 😂

Original poster
AbandonedIron · 12/09/2016 00:48

Officially, Abyssinian. I have been seeing him/ staying with him a few times a week for around eight months though so its not a new relationship by any means and it has never been casual.

I live quite a distance away and his friend doesn't drive so its not possible for him to stay with me as neither of them drive and he wouldn't be able to travel to see her. Plus I have a daughter and he hasn't been staying over with me because I want to let them get to know each other gradually.

OP posts:
Original poster
AbandonedIron · 12/09/2016 00:50

What priorities, Violet? If I had told him this upset me and he went ahead then I wouldn't be happy. What I'm wondering is why everyone thinks I should be concerned.

OP posts:
Original poster
AbandonedIron · 12/09/2016 00:51

fastday Grin

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 12/09/2016 00:53

People think you should be concerned because in a lot of cases this ends up with cheating. In a new relationship you can be really trying to only see good things and think that this guys is totally different from the ones your friends know who did cheat.

But anyway in other cases it doesn't, as demonstrated on this thread.

Once you've said you're fine with it your friends should drop it.

Darcychu · 12/09/2016 00:53

i would never allow it but then thats me, some people do and i have also stayed at a males house without it being any more than a friendship

LilQueenie · 12/09/2016 01:01

Why not talk to him and say its unusual and people are making you wary. They do have a point. Perhaps he will vacate the room to put your mind at ease and if not then its really up to you whether you feel his priorities lie. If a relationship was worth going for he would put your feelings first on issues like this.

digitalpaintartist · 12/09/2016 01:02

YANBU. I have a male best friend, from the age of 11. There has never been anything remotely romantic between us and there never will (we haven't even had a drunken kiss, we simply do not fancy each other). If we had to share a room then we would but, I will say, I am very aware of how his girlfriends feel about me and so I'd make a point of not sharing a room to keep the peace. Either he or I would take the sofa. We are older now and I have a DH and DS so it's been years since we've had to crash over at each other's places. I'd say trust your DP. Men and women can just be friends!

OrchidsAndLace · 12/09/2016 01:21

What baffles me is the idea that he might cheat because of sharing a room/bed with her, as if being in a bed together gives two otherwise platonic friends a sudden irresistible urge to shag Confused

If he fancies her (and she reciprocates) and is planning to cheat on you, separate rooms won't do anything to prevent that. If he doesn't fancy her and/or wouldn't cheat on you, sharing a room won't change that either.

Whether or not you trust him is a separate issue but the room sharing arrangements are completely irrelevant either way. So I think your friends are being illogical.

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