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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am not an idiot and people should keep their mouths shut/noses out

101 replies

AbandonedIron · 12/09/2016 00:18

NC because my other username is quite identifying and I'd rather this wasn't attached.

I've been seeing a guy for several months, officially "in a relationship" for a month or so now.

We have a happy relationship, very open with each other, I love him and trust him completely. He has a close female friend who lives at the other end of the country, she is planning to come and stay with him for a few days next month. He lives with his cousin and her family who have a spare room but sometimes their mother has to stay with them too to help with childcare and so she uses the spare room.

If his mother is staying whilst the friend visits she will need to sleep in his room. Several of my friends have said I'm stupid for letting this happen and that I shouldn't be ok about it. I was fine with it before they said this and now worry that I'm being a mug.

This friend is important to him, they have shared rooms while on holiday together before he met me and nothing happened. I want to meet her and like her not end up resenting her because I've been talked into being suspicious/ jealous.

AIBU to think that my friends shouldnt be warning me not to trust my boyfriend and basically saying he wont stay faithful because his friend happens to be female?

Friend is slightly younger than us and an attractive looking girl, if that is relevant.

OP posts:
kisstory · 12/09/2016 06:55

I would not like this , but if he's going to cheat on you it will happen whether she sleeps in his room or not

Motherfuckers · 12/09/2016 06:55

I wouldn't give it a second thought because they have been friends for many years, but why does it even register after just one month? (..officially.. -- what does that even mean?)

Trifleorbust · 12/09/2016 06:56

It's great that you are able to trust him and that you seemingly don't mind this. In that case, your friends should let it go.

Bluebolt · 12/09/2016 07:09

How do all your friends know? If like this thread it is because you shared, I am not sure you are completely trusting of him or this plan. I do think your mind will be put at ease once you have met her, I know my DPs was when he met my male best friend. We did not share a bed but we had plenty of opportunities if that was the intention. It's ok to be apprehensive.

MrsMook · 12/09/2016 07:10

I've headed off to the mountains and shared a tent with a platonic male friend many times when he and I had avaliable time, and DH didn't. We've been friends for years and we're more like family than anything else. We are not attracted to each other. It's never arisen since he got with his DW that both she and my DH are unavailable at the same time. Mainly because I'm being unavailable with her!

Either I have an exceptionally odd circle of friends, or it's perfectly feasible that males and females can be friends without any sexual attraction.

YANBU

Trifleorbust · 12/09/2016 07:26

I would add to my last post: what is a bit odd about this isn't the situation itself, or that you don't mind. It's that it doesn't seem to occur to him that you might mind. Most women would. I definitely would. And I would wonder why partner didn't worry more about my feelings, tbh.

Veterinari · 12/09/2016 07:33

they've been friends for years. If they wanted to have sex/ a relationship, they've had ample opportunity.

You putting limits on his friendship after such a short time together is more likely to be more damaging than him room sharing. I agree with your initial post - meet her, like her and that can only strengthen your relationship with your DP.

CalmItKermitt · 12/09/2016 07:41

Nope. Wouldn't have this. No way.

Yep. I'm uncool. Don't care.

Hoppinggreen · 12/09/2016 07:44

I had a really good male friend,nothing between us, shared rooms etc.

Reader, I married him!

george1020 · 12/09/2016 08:28

It's great you trust him. If he wants to cheat he will do so anyway and if he was wanting to start an affair why would he tell you about the sleeping arrangements? women and men can be friends for sure.

In saying all this I personally wouldn't be happy with the situation at all and would suggest her getting a travelodge/hotel maybe paid for by DP as an alternative. I just wouldn't be at all comfortable, would feel jealous and would always wonder.

Your attitude to your relationship with DP is probably much more healthy than what mine would be.

Original poster
AbandonedIron · 12/09/2016 09:33

Wont reply to everyone individually as I'm on my phone but will try to answer all your questions, thankyou all for being so honest!

Firstly, someone asked if they are not in a relationship because of the distance, but it could be a thing that they have sex when they do see each other- he says they have never hooked up and I believe him. I suppose if he was trying to cover up this time he wouldn't tell me anyway but then if that's his thinking he wouldn't have mentioned sleeping arrangements anyway, especially as I didn't ask!

Motherfuckers As I said before, we've been seeing each other for about eight months a few times a week. I have met his family and some of his friends and see them regularly but we didn't announce our relationship (ie. on facebook or introducing each other as boyfriend/girlfriend or mention to my daughter) until a about a month ago, although aside from labels nothing much has changed. We have discussed a future together- planned a couple of weekends away and a holiday next year and me possibly moving in with him.

My friends know because I mentioned that I was excited to meet someone so important to him, I have spoken to her briefly via text on his phone and was looking forward to it. Their first response when I said she was coming to stay was to ask if she was staying with him and assuming I'd be staying the whole time as well. I said that I wouldn't be and they were pretty miffed on my behalf- I just saw it that I'd get to meet her, maybe have a night out or something then leave them to spend some time together as they don't see each other often.

I don't think paying for a hotel would make a difference really, unless I was planning to sleep at his for the whole time she's there, which I don't, what's to stop them hookong up there instead of/as well as at home?

OP posts:
Irisagogo · 12/09/2016 09:52

One of my best friends is a man, soo many people have an issue with it.
I find it baffling, we have been friends over twenty years, if we were going to get it on we would have done.

We don't share a bed, or even a room, one of us would sleep on the sofa.

VioletBam · 12/09/2016 09:52

All those who think this is fine because "if he was going to have sex with her then it would have happened already"

Would you say that if OP was married to this man and they had kids together?

Really?

butterfliesandzebras · 12/09/2016 10:03

I never understand stuff like this. If the friend and he want to shag they will do it regardless of where their official sleeping room is. Nobody is compelled to have sex by simply sleeping in the same room, and nobody is prevented from having sex by having to walk from one room to another.

VioletBam · 12/09/2016 10:06

Butterflies perhaps it implies an emotional attachment though. Adults who are not in a relationship don't usually go out of their way to share a room do they?

Original poster
AbandonedIron · 12/09/2016 10:15

I don't know that they're going out of their way to share a room, it's circumstancial because of his living arrangements?

They have shared a room before when on holiday, though I think there was a group of 4 or 5 sharing, not just the two of them. This has been the case a few times as its a yearly thing- one which I am invited to join them on next year, all being well.

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 12/09/2016 10:19

It would be strange and unacceptable if it was a new friend, but nothing has changed in their relationship except you have come onto the scene. Trust until you have reason not to. Like you say, the opportunity is there regardless of where she officially sleeps.

fastdaytears · 12/09/2016 10:20

I think there was a group of 4 or 5 sharing, not just the two of them

This I would have no issue with at all

littleprincesssara · 12/09/2016 10:21

If he was cheating or planning to cheat it would make zero difference if they shared a room or not. He'd probably not tell you they were sharing a room if that was the intention.

VioletBam · 12/09/2016 10:21

As I said, the fact that they WANT to share a room, implies an emotional attachment.

butterfliesandzebras · 12/09/2016 10:21

Violet - but the OP stated they will only be sharing a room as a last resort (I.e. if the spare room is in use by someone else).

I know some women have problems with their partners having close female friends at all, but if that is the case here, she needs to break it off with this guy and find one without female friends, not trying to ruin a long-standing friendship, or 'police' the friendship by setting arbitrary rules (which won't prevent anything, and will just drive herself crazy with 'what-if's).

VioletBam · 12/09/2016 10:22

Butterflies she also says "if the spare room is in use, she will need to sleep in his room"

But she doesn't need to. It's a choice. There will be a sofa available.

Original poster
AbandonedIron · 12/09/2016 10:34

The room sharing is out of necessity rather than want, as far as I'm aware anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
AbandonedIron · 12/09/2016 10:37

Yes, there's a sofa available, but my point is that I hadn't thought it necessary for one of them to sleep on the couch- it was my friends who took issue with it and made me question my judgement.

I appreciate both viewpoints though, it's good to see how other people would react and that it's not necessarily an unnatural reaction to be wary.

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 12/09/2016 10:42

How would they actually sleep in his room? On or in what?

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