To think I am not an idiot and people should keep their mouths shut/noses out

[AbandonedIron]

NC because my other username is quite identifying and I'd rather this wasn't attached.

I've been seeing a guy for several months, officially "in a relationship" for a month or so now.

We have a happy relationship, very open with each other, I love him and trust him completely. He has a close female friend who lives at the other end of the country, she is planning to come and stay with him for a few days next month. He lives with his cousin and her family who have a spare room but sometimes their mother has to stay with them too to help with childcare and so she uses the spare room.

If his mother is staying whilst the friend visits she will need to sleep in his room. Several of my friends have said I'm stupid for letting this happen and that I shouldn't be ok about it. I was fine with it before they said this and now worry that I'm being a mug.

This friend is important to him, they have shared rooms while on holiday together before he met me and nothing happened. I want to meet her and like her not end up resenting her because I've been talked into being suspicious/ jealous.

AIBU to think that my friends shouldnt be warning me not to trust my boyfriend and basically saying he wont stay faithful because his friend happens to be female?

Friend is slightly younger than us and an attractive looking girl, if that is relevant.

I didn't question him about it so I don't know.

I wouldn't like it op but take the point that if they wanted to hook up they could regardless of rooms etc.

My issue would be how emotionally close he is to her and more importantly will that eventually transfer to you?

For me my dh is my best mate and I wouldn't like it if he was that close to another woman he's not related to.

Still it's early days and that might happen. At the moment I think you sound very sensible about things.

His friend whom has platonicly slept in same room with him before with and is visiting to meet you. His cousin, her family including young children, his mother in the spare room are all in adjacent bedrooms. And for some reason you think as soon as they are in the same room they are going to start bumping ugly, because you know... they are just animals.

If he wanted a relationship with this woman he could have started it long ago.

Perhaps you need to consider if you are ready for a relationship yet.

I wouldn't have a problem with it at all. I would consider the fact that he has told you that they will be sharing a room prior to her arriving as a sign of trust, by telling you he's given you the choice to say you're uncomfortable about it.

I would imagine if anything was lightly to happen between then he would of put you in front of the "fait accompli" instead of giving you a chance to voice any opposition before hand.

I also think that it's a good sign that he feels comfortable enough in his relationship with you to be able to share a room with another woman without it shedding any doubt on the special place you have in his life.

Trust is a wonderful thing, you obviously feel you trust can him and he hasn't abused your trust because he has told you he will be sharing a room with her. He also trusts you enough to let you know beforehand.

I hope you have a great time meeting his friend.

Yorkie why would I want his feelings of friendship to transfer to me? We have a romantic relationship, we share our thoughts and worries, we share lots of amazing things, we are close but everyone needs friendships that have different dynamics. I don't feel that he is closer to her than me, just in a different way and rightly so, I am his girlfriend.

maths Why don't you think I am ready for a relationship? Have you even bothered to read my posts?

Op, I wouldn't worry about it. In your shoes, I'd be checking that they weren't sharing a bed (because that's inappropriate) but otherwise I can't see a problem. You will know when you meet her whether you ought to be concerned, and not just based on her attractiveness or not - there would be other subtle clues if they were sleeping together.

FWIW I have a male friend of around 25 years and he's just, in the last 4/5 years, met and moved in with someone after previously being very single. Our social calendar is now organised between his DP and me - my DP is perfectly ok with our friendship and they get on well, as do I with my friends DP.

I'm more comfortable arranging things via her but I wonder if that's because he did once express an interest in taking things further (we didn't - I don't fancy him and actually I don't think he really fancied/s me - he just wanted a girlfriend!). I wouldn't want her to feel that I was a threat in any way at all, so happy for her to take the lead now.

I wouldn't worry - some people can't handle male/female friendships and others can. Only you in your situation knows whether that's true for you or not.

Thanks Tatty. I think I'll talk to him about it- I agree that them sharing a bed wouldn't be appropriate and I wouldn't be comfortable with that.

My reaction to this thread has told me what I need to know I think- I trust him and I don't want to start doubting that trust because of my friends whispering in my ear. He has never given me reason to doubt him and I agree that they have known each other long enough to decide whether there is an attraction to be taken further and it hasn't happened yet. I don't feel that will change just because I'm on the scene and they happen to be sharing a room.

I'm going to go back to focusing on how pleased I am he wants to involve me in all aspects of his life- including spending time with a close friend he doesn't see often and with whom this will be valuable time- he sees me several times a week and her only once a year or so. Before my friends opened their mouths I thought this was a positive thing and I still feel that way now.

I can see where everyone is coming from who thinks I am veing naive and I'm glad to have had so many different honest opinions to help me confirm that my gut instinct is right. Thanks all!

I agree that they have known each other long enough to decide whether there is an attraction to be taken further and it hasn't happened yet

I totally agree that people can be friends when of the opposite sex.

However once in a relationship, it is very odd indeed to share a bed with someone that isn't your partner. Spech when a sofa is available. Boundaries love, boundaries.

Also, you can have a very long running FWB relationship - one MNer found out her husband's long term friend has actually been a FWB for the whole duration of their marriage. Something like a decade. Usually friends say these things for a reason, not just for fun.

AbandonedIron, I only ask that because its so early in the relationship and you are already doubting your trust in him, for what seems very little reason.

Thanks Tatty. I think I'll talk to him about it- I agree that them sharing a bed wouldn't be appropriate and I wouldn't be comfortable with that

I totally thought they were. Sharing a room but not a bed wouldn't bother me. Sorry for missing this quite key point!

As far as I know they wouldn't be sharing a bed, fast. When he first brought it up I didn't even ask because I wasn't worried!

Thanks maths I see what you mean but I'm not doubting my trust in him- I agree with what you said in the rest of your post. After my friends said they'd have a problem with the situation, unanimously, I wondered if I was veing naive but I see that plenty of people here agree that I'm not.

Doreen I only have his word for it that they've never slept together before, but I do trust him that it hasn't happened.

It does'nt seem like you have anything to be worried about, but his living arrangements would bother me, it all sounds too claustraphobic for me.

Do you get any time alone and is he planning to get a place of his own anytime soon?

""I know some women have problems with their partners having close female friends at all,""

I think it's the other way round. Most men don't like their GFs/Ps/Wife having close male friends because whilst they trust their wife, they don't believe that a man wants to be close friends with, a woman, who he doesn't find attractive, or given the right circumstances, 'will try his hand'.

However, I had a close platonic male friend, who I dropped because of my ex DP, we'd slept on opposite couches etc and whilst both single had never thought to have sex, but that wasn't good enough.

When my relationship ended, I'd also lost a good friend, so I'd never give into an ultimatum again.

We have lots of time alone, his family are respectful of his privacy and don't bother us if we are in his room. Sometimes we spend some time with them, go out if we feel like it or spend time in his room. It's not ideal but we strike a good balance.

He is putting the groundwork down to move into his own place and I plan to move to his hometown (for work and to make my life easier, no just because he is there!) so things should move on in a good direction I think in that respect.

Why wouldn't he share with his mother rather than the friend? Just so there would be absolutely no question and you wouldn't have to have these worries at all? Just as a matter of respect. I also think it's very odd it took him 7 months to officially be in a relationship with you.

Sorry, I just get a feeling not everything is quite right with this situation.

Been thinking about this whilst steam cleaning

I think that you should follow your instinct, which is to trust him. If he fails then that's his loss, but you can't tar everyone with the same brush - it's not fair.

I've been hurt many times because I'm trusting. That hasn't stopped me from trusting my now DP and if he were to hurt me, then that's his loss. I wouldn't be able to change the situation because it's his choice and worrying about it won't help me. That doesn't mean that I haven't learnt from my mistakes - I'm not a pushover and I would always, always trust my gut instinct if that feeling wouldn't go away for some reason.

I think that the fact you posted on here and the fact you keep coming back to thank posters who say it is fine, implies you're not as comfortable with it all as you're making out.

If you really had no issue, you'd not have come here for advice.

Not sure, Bill. Like I said I didn't give it a second thought when we first talked about it so I didn't question the arrangement.

As for the length of our relationship, it didn't take him 7 months, it took us seven months. I have a complicated situation at home, a daughter and both of us have had bad experiences in the past. We decided to just enjoy each others company and see how things went before we stuck a label on it.

I'm not coming back to thank posters for agreeing with me Divine I've come back to respond to questions and get a varied opinion. I've thanked posters who have disagreed with me also, it's all been valuable.

But also to be fair to your friends, its easy to let your imagination run riot, especially as they probably don't know your DP as well as you do.

Imagine a hot blooded testosterone fueled man staying overnight in a 'room' with a sexy young blonde siren in PVC lingerie, who of course, is going to be spending all night trying to tempt him into rampant guilt free sex. Fantasy of course but maybe what your friends are thinking ... Lol or is that just me?

Until or should I say if you ever have any real suspicions, I would just go with it, there does'nt seem to be anything to worry about imo.

You might find that upon arrival she might insist on the couch. I have a male best friend we have shared a hotel room with twins but never a bed. When both in relationships we have tried to include partners and I would not share a room with him if he had a girlfriend or me a partner. TBH we realised early on to maintain the friendship we have to be able to give total reassurance to our OHs. we have all been together so long now I do not believe our OHs would give a shit now.

I don't think it's a huge thing to worry about, but it depends entirely on them, and their secret feelings, which as onlookers we can never be sure about.

What are the benefits to her sleeping in his room as opposed to the sofa? (Or he could be polite and offer her the room as a guest and take the sofa himself.) Unless there are two beds in his room I think it would make more sense to sleep apart, as adults.

Btw, I do think there is such a thing as opportunistic action (of course you do get opportunistic burglars – who knows whether they would ever have stolen anything if they weren't given an easy opportunity?) ...For example I have a life-long male friend with whom I have a very 'safe,' platonic relationship; he lives a fair distance away but when he's visiting the area he'll come see me alone at home/we'd go out together, etc. If I was the sort to cheat and he revealed that he wasn't against it, and I had an opportunity to do so via sharing a room, I suspect I'd be in his bed like a shot!

I'm fiercely loyal and would never actually cheat on DH, but if it's something that even I like the fantasy of, I can imagine it being quite an easy line to cross for some people.

I think you need to decide what your boundaries are long term. If you pretend to be OK with him sleeping in the same room with her now, it's going to be expected that he continues to do that a few years down the line presuming things are more serious and you're still together then.

Also, if these are his boundaries with her, what about other female female friends he makes in the future? He's very likely at some point to be putting himself into a situation where cheating is inevitable however unlikely it may be with her.

Everybody has different views on what they're comfortable with. Personally I'd much prefer a man who discreetly cheated than a 'faithful' one who makes a public joke of me by presenting themselves to the world as cheating. Whatever happens or not, people will think something did and your tolerance of that will affect how they view and treat you.

I don't really think this is a matter of cheating. I think it's more a matter of consideration and respect. You don't need to be told that a partner might feel uncomfortable with you sharing a room with a member of the opposite sex who is unrelated. Just to keep on doing it shows a lack of consideration for your feelings.

Why would cheating ever be "inevitable"?