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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not help her?

376 replies

DorothyL · 09/09/2016 22:41

Last year a colleague covered some hours at work for me (just a couple) so I could see my son's assembly at school. She has now asked me to return the favour but I have said no because it would mean I couldn't pick ds up from school and would have to ask dh to take time off to collect ds. Ds had sn which is why I can't just ask a friend to collect him. My colleague seems a bit put out and I have apologised, but I was hoping she'd be more understanding? I would happily help if I could do it without it affecting ds.

OP posts:
NightNightBadger19962 · 10/09/2016 08:40

'So sorry I couldn't return the favour this time, but please ask again and if I can help I will. I struggle to stay later than my hours due to our family arrangements, but hope I can help in some other way?'. Seems appropriate enough.

Original poster
DorothyL · 10/09/2016 08:41

If this colleague needed non negotiable time off she would ask the headteacher and cover would be arranged - however it wouldn't affect me then as this is unpaid time so there would be no expectation for me to cover.

OP posts:
LittleBooInABoo · 10/09/2016 08:43

YABU - over a year ago and she's only just asking for a favour. So she hasn't expected it, or asked for it instantly unless she needed it.

I think your being a little selfish!

somekindofmother · 10/09/2016 08:43

I don't think YABU at all.

She sat with your 6th form group for an hour when she was in work anyway. She's asking you to stay in work, unpaid, and your husband sacrifice holiday in order for you to do so.

I think if someone does you a favour you should absolutely repay it, but not at whatever cost... sometimes someone asks for a favour and even if you 'owe them' it's not possible for you to return it that time. but there will be other times you can.

I would speak to her and just say 'I'm really sorry, I have checked with DH and MIL and it just won't be possible that day as I am the only one who can collect my son,but obviously I'd be happy to cover for you in any gain time I get when my 6th form go off for study leave'

people saying you shouldn't ask a favour if u can't return it are being ridiculous, you can return the favour, just not with the favour she's asking for this time. but you are willing to return the favour with a similar favour. besides you shouldn't do favours with the expectation of getting one in return. it's like giving a present so you get one back imo

Waterlemon · 10/09/2016 08:46

I'm also a teacher and work in a school with a flexible head that allows us to "nip out" to attend assemblies, meetings etc

But it's never done on a "favour for a favour" basis (unless pt job sharers decide to swap days)

I really don't think you are being unreasonable given the amount of reorganisation that your family would need to do in order to return the favour. Yes you "owe her" but in this instance you are completely justified in saying no! Just let her know you are willing to help another time just as long as it doesn't impede on you son's routines.

Fwiw - the other Teacher is not asking for cover to attend a family event in school hours, she wants to leave work early to go away. I presume OP doesn't usually work that late on that day if it is going to cause her problems with child care. The OP should not be out of pocket to simply return a favour! Leaving early to go on holiday is different to taking time off in school hours and very few heads I know would allow it!

Although to complicate matters - was it official ppa time the other teacher gave up or an extra free period? If it was PPA time then I would say you need to put yourself out at some point to return the favour, although really it should have been repaid last term in that case.

Original poster
DorothyL · 10/09/2016 08:46

Nowhere have I minimised her reasons for wanting time off, I totally get that they are no less important to her.

Why I didn't take time off unpaid:

Because I knew that she would be on gained time and because it was a small sixth form group who would quietly get on with things so that she could still go in and out of the room, work at the computer etc. Because I didn't think she would ask me to give up unpaid time that would impact my whole family, I thought I could return the favour with one of my own paid non-contact but in school hours.

She did one lesson for me not two hours.

OP posts:
AbyssinianBanana · 10/09/2016 08:46

You can't do her the favour without involving and impacting another adult. End of. There is nothing to feel guilty about and tell her you are happy to do exactly same thing she did on X-Y dates when your class will be away.

If my coworker does me a massive favour, I do one back when I can.

Who in their right minds would ask their OH to take annual leave just so I can repay a coworker's favour?!

This board is so ridiculous sometimes. Angry

SharkBastard · 10/09/2016 08:51

I would ask my DH to take time off and he'd do it cause we're both moral people who respect other people, especially those who have helped us.

Don't accept a favour if you're not able to repay. Simple

Original poster
DorothyL · 10/09/2016 08:51

It was gained time - a lesson she didn't have to teach anymore because year 11's had gone on study leave, but which she still had to be in school for.

It was last June, so last academic not calendar year.

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 10/09/2016 08:51

I think you need to discuss it with her. Don't minimise the favour she did either. I've had that done to me, oh well you were walking that way anyway! Please pick up my child from school! we have all met that sort of mum!

Trifleorbust · 10/09/2016 08:55

Stop counting up the minutes, OP. She did you a favour. She didn't have to. You sound quite resentful. Fair enough, you can't return the favour right now, but that's no big deal.

Waterlemon · 10/09/2016 08:57

Just rereading the comments -

I'm surprised so many people would be willing to do unpaid overtime whilst their OH takes half day holiday to provide additional child care, just to repay a favour that someone did for them during their usual working day, during a "free session" where their time would usually be directed (teaching a class) but in this instance was free for self-directed tasks (admin) Confused

elodie2000 · 10/09/2016 08:59

YANBU!

Your colleague stood in for you during her normal paid working hours when she had non contact time.
Your colleague is now asking you to 'repay' the favour outside of your normal paid working hours.
Your colleague is out of order.
A reply saying 'Oh no, I'm so sorry colleague, I'm not in work on a Friday afternoon. I can cover for you during my non-contacts any time but I'm not in school on Friday's after lunch'
Does your colleague know that you are part time and don't work Friday afternoons? If so, SHE is unreasonable for asking.

Beeziekn33ze · 10/09/2016 09:01

As a teacher I accepted that I couldn't get to DC's assemblies. I was surprised when colleagues, over the years, began to take time off regularly to see their DC in assemblies. Some parents can get to assemblies some can't dependent upon the job they do and the hours they work.

FrancisCrawford · 10/09/2016 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Waterlemon · 10/09/2016 09:01

elodie2000 some sense on this thread at last!!

Munstermonchgirl · 10/09/2016 09:02

You are minimising her favour though OP -'she only had to sit with a group for an hour', 'she had to be in work anyway'.... Your whole tone implies that what she did for you wasn't a big deal. Actually gained time in itself is a kind of 'payback' for having the pressure of yr 11 exam classes, and for all you know your colleague could have had 101 other things she needed to do rather than supervise your class.

Also- you didn't want to have to formalise your time off by going through your line manager and cover superviser, which would have made it into a much bigger deal for you, so really it was quite a big favour. Also, your school clearly has a policy that 6 form classes are supervised (many don't - the students would just work independently) so all in all, her favour enabled you time off for your son without it having to be recorded formally as a personal absence

I think we all get now that you are unable to return the favour the colleague wants, and you need to just explain that to her. But stop minimising what she did because it comes across as you thinking your own wants trump everyone else's.

Original poster
DorothyL · 10/09/2016 09:05

Elodie she asked me because she could see on my timetable on the system that I finish at lunchtime on a Friday

OP posts:
elodie2000 · 10/09/2016 09:08

Just to add, I certainly wouldn't ask her to help you out again OP.
I hate it when people expect far more back in return when they do a favour.
She is basically asking you to work 1/3 to 1/2 a day unpaid. She sat with a class of 4 for an hour for you. It wasn't even PPA, it was gained time because her Y 11 had left.
Please don't feel any guilt. Make a mental note not to accept her help on future.

elodie2000 · 10/09/2016 09:11

Elodie she asked me because she could see on my timetable on the system that I finish at lunchtime on a Friday
That's even worse!!!
Oh that's not fair OP.
She wants you to work an extra afternoon for nothing so that she doesn't have to take unpaid leave of absence ?
No!

claraschu · 10/09/2016 09:17

OP you seem very very reasonable, and people are giving you a hard time here, as they often like to do.

In my world, favours are not "tit for tat" but "from each according to her ability, to each according to her need". I think this is a kinder way of living.

You asked her to do something which didn't inconvenience her in any way- sitting with 4 6th formers, doing her own work when she was in school anyway. She is asking you to seriously disrupt your and your son's life.

Finally, people with kids with sns always deserve a little extra help and understanding from everyone. No one understands how hard the little things they take for granted with their nt kids might be for you.

Msqueen33 · 10/09/2016 09:17

So how many of you have Sen kids? I have two. I can't ask just anyone to pick them up. The youngest would not be able to handle it. But hell if I want to watch herself self harm herself so someone could go off early for the weekend hey why not?!

Yes the lady did op a favour which is very kind. She didn't have to. It's nice if it can be returned but it's like saying I gave a nice gift I expect one back. You don't give to get back. My dh couldn't leave his job to pick up our kids as he works far from home and he's incredibly busy. It's really not that simple if you have Sen kids. I'm sure op would return the favour if she could. But if she genuinely can't and has tried I don't think she should be flamed because of it.

Original poster
DorothyL · 10/09/2016 09:17

I think she knows that the head wouldn't be favourable to the request even if it was unpaid.

OP posts:
Ditsy4 · 10/09/2016 09:18

Oh my goodness I bet you wish you had never started this thread Dorothy L. I'm a HLTA we are always doing favours for each other. I have stayed in school on my afternoons off four times last year for school trips and on one occasion so a staff member could go to a class assembly at her child's school. I was hoping for some time off in lieu for the school trips but it didn't work out. I didn't expect a favour in return from the teacher. I was pleased to do it because I know how wonderful it is to go. We do lots of favours in school for each other. Can I have the class so the music teacher can take the choir children to another school? Could I look after that class so two teachers can meet? Could I have another class so the SENCO can go to a meeting? I just do it. Most of us in school just do it for each other we don't expect anything back it is the way schools function.
Dorothy L I completely understand where you are comihng from. She did you a favour ( without too much inconvenience) and you were grateful. She now wants to leave early for a weekend but this will disrupt your son and I understand how difficult it is with pupils with SN as they can have big melt downs over something like this. I have had it when we have a supply teacher in and had to deal with major melt downs because they hadn't been prepared for a change.
I would go and speak to her and say if it wasn't going to impact so much on DS you would do it in a flash but due to DH's work you can't possibly as you have to be there to pick him up. Surely being a teacher she should understand this. She is just wanting leave for a weekend break ( is she allowed to do this ) and it isn't the same anyway. She might be a bit huffy with you for a while and if she is I don't think you'll be able to ask her again. Maybe next time you ask someone you need to stipulate in school time but not when you need to pick up DC.
I'd be quite upset about some of the comments on here. Such a precious lot expecting favours for favours like it is a right.
.Wine for you.

Original poster
DorothyL · 10/09/2016 09:19

But hey Msqueen, it's playing the disability card... Aren't we parents of sn children lucky to have that card to play?

OP posts:
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