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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not help her?

376 replies

DorothyL · 09/09/2016 22:41

Last year a colleague covered some hours at work for me (just a couple) so I could see my son's assembly at school. She has now asked me to return the favour but I have said no because it would mean I couldn't pick ds up from school and would have to ask dh to take time off to collect ds. Ds had sn which is why I can't just ask a friend to collect him. My colleague seems a bit put out and I have apologised, but I was hoping she'd be more understanding? I would happily help if I could do it without it affecting ds.

OP posts:
Original poster
DorothyL · 10/09/2016 07:42

Scary, thank you! This is exactly what I was thinking.

OP posts:
Jinglebells99 · 10/09/2016 07:47

I think at some point in the future, you will want to attend another assembly or special event at school and that your son will be upset , I assume, if you can't attend. If you want to be able to ask this colleague to help you in the future, I'd try and help now. I expect there will be lots of special events that you would like to attend and that would upset your son if you aren't able to?

Sellingyesterdaysnews · 10/09/2016 07:47

OP I don't thinK YABU now. She did you a small favour so only a small equivalent favour is needed in return.. Not a session of work when you shouldn't be in school.
Don't do it, offer similar cover she did another time.

Munstermonchgirl · 10/09/2016 07:50

As it is acceptable in your school to take time out to watch your own children's assemblies (teacher here too- and this just wouldn't Halppen in many schools ) then I can't understand why you didn't just request unpaid leave for the time in June? Hmm

Knowing that it would be impossible to ever reciprocate, it would have been far more sensible to just explain to your head teacher. Many schools don't use cover for 6 form
Groups anyway so it could have just been a case of you taking a couple of hours unpaid.

I'm not suggesting every favour should always be done on the assumption of payback.... BUT you must be aware that your colleague has a child who might also have assemblies too, and that her child is just as important to her as yours is to you. Given that you're in the unusual situation where your school allows teachers time off to attend such things it was not the best idea to ask a colleague to do you a favour just to avoid taking the time unpaid. It will inevitably come across to your colleague as her child seeming less important than yours.

Original poster
DorothyL · 10/09/2016 07:51

Her children have left home

OP posts:
Original poster
DorothyL · 10/09/2016 07:53

But you're right that's probably what I should have done and will have to do next time.

OP posts:
Original poster
DorothyL · 10/09/2016 07:55

I should have thought about the reciprocity but as I said before I thought she wouldn't ask for a favour that would impact ds as she knows about my situation.

OP posts:
pictish · 10/09/2016 07:56

Potofgold I agree. That sounds like a nice acknowledgment.

Scarydinosaurs haven't you been reading? The OP owes this woman BIG TIME now, because she did a lesson for her once. Screw the disproportionate favour in return and balls to the OP's son and his additional needs. They don't matter. All that matters is returning the favour...returning the favour is EVERYTHING.

I know...I didn't know either.

ladygracie · 10/09/2016 07:58

Did she refer to the favour she did you when she asked you to cover for her? If not, it may just be that she asked you as she wants to keep it quiet and thought you'd be able to help out.

Original poster
DorothyL · 10/09/2016 07:59

Yes she said it could it payback for last June

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 10/09/2016 07:59

Children who have left home are still your children. They might be having difficulties for all you know and need support.

Headofthehive55 · 10/09/2016 08:05

I think of it that my family are my problem, not my colleagues. I don't expect them to understand my restrictions. At work I am their colleague. In time I realised most actually had restrictions, an ill son ( who lived away ) a disabled husband, another with an ill child, one with a parent who had dementia. However we helped each other.

ladygracie · 10/09/2016 08:10

Oh. Well you can't do it so that's it really. I'd do as potofgold suggests and do it face to face.

Munstermonchgirl · 10/09/2016 08:11

god yes- my children have left home but there are numerous occasions where it would be great if I could take time off from teaching to help them out with things. Unfortunately in most schools that's impossible. You just accept that missing assemblies when they're younger, and helping them move house or whatever when they're older, is one of those things. We get long holidays, but the downside is they are fixed. Don't dismiss your colleagues needs just because her children might be NT adults OP... Believe me there are many occasions when they need help still!

As you're not going to be able to return the favour, I think you need to just move on and accept that your colleague will be a bit pissed off. Doesn't need to be a major deal.

Btw why didn't you request unpaid leave in June, rather than asking a colleague to cover, knowing that your capacity to reciprocate is limited?

WhisperingLoudly · 10/09/2016 08:16

In isolation you don't have to return a favour - it's a polite and kind thing to do, but not compulsory.

However if you ever want this woman (and her friends) to accommodate you in any way whatsoever, helping her out is probably a very sensible way forward.

It seems you have a number of options (DH or MiL) could collect your son and IMO putting them out for one afternoon will create far more goodwill in the long run than turning down your colleague.

You can still claw this back. Act wisely.

Trifleorbust · 10/09/2016 08:17

She spent her free covering you - that is a favour. It doesn't matter that she would have been in school anyway. But YANBU to not ask someone else to pick up your son. Just tell her you would love to help and will help with another favour if and when you can, but this one isn't possible.

Badders123 · 10/09/2016 08:22

As a general rule you should never accept favours you are unwilling or unable (for whatever reason)to reciprocate.

Heebiejeebie · 10/09/2016 08:23

There are some bizarre responses in here. She's asking for a favour 10x as big as the favour you did her - and a favour from your husband and son as well. It's like her giving you a lift home one day as she was going that way anyway, and then asking to borrow your car for the day when your husband and son already needed it. You'd say, no sorry, already have plans - another time.

Foslady · 10/09/2016 08:29

If ever you have your time minimised you'll understand how this has affected the other person OP. I've had this regularly on the past. I've helped out others at the drop of a hat, and when I needed help no one has stepped up for me, as if their time and family are far more important than mine.

So what would happen if your timetable had to change? Would you give up your job because your son would be expecting you to pick him up as he has done the previous times? What if this colleague needed non negotiable time off and no one else was available? Would you refuse to help them? You don't know why she needs to leave early other than it being a trip away - that trip might be needed more than you realise for any number of reasons. What if you'd needed to be away for a non negotiable reason? What would come 1st - your son or your health? I appreciate your son has SN, but other people have issues that pull on their time that to you might not trump your needs but to the other person they do.

It comes across as you playing the disability card which I know sounds awful but on face value........

Original poster
DorothyL · 10/09/2016 08:37

If I have to ask for time off for hospital appointments I go through the headteacher and cover is arranged by the cover supervisor. Her favour to me was more informal, I mentioned it to the cover supervisor but that was all.

OP posts:
diddl · 10/09/2016 08:37

Would you ever be able to return the favour Op, just not this particular time?

NotAPuffin · 10/09/2016 08:37

YANBU. She's being cheeky putting you on the spot like this. It's a bigger favour than the original one and she knows it, and saying it can be payback for June is putting unfair pressure on you.

Original poster
DorothyL · 10/09/2016 08:38

I could and would return the favour happily and any time when it's for example my gained time next summer or my ppa time.

OP posts:
Munstermonchgirl · 10/09/2016 08:39

Heebiejeebie- why are you assuming the favour is 10 X as big? Surely the point coming out clearly here is that these things are pretty subjective. To the Colleague, having the time off now might be EVERY bit as important TO HER as going to see her son's assembly is to the OP

Seems to me the OP also fell into this way of thinking... She said upthread that she thought doing some photocopying might provide 'payback' for the colleague who covered her class for 2 hours!!

People want time off work for all sorts of diverse reasons- who are any of us to say the colleagues reasons are less valid.

Op- seeing as you were allowed the time off in June by your school, I think it would be really helpful if you could explain why you didn't just take it unpaid? This is what I would do if I knew my circumstances made it unlikely I would every reciprocate

pictish · 10/09/2016 08:40

Heebiejeebie - true...but that doesn't matter apparently.

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