to not help her?

[DorothyL]

Last year a colleague covered some hours at work for me (just a couple) so I could see my son's assembly at school. She has now asked me to return the favour but I have said no because it would mean I couldn't pick ds up from school and would have to ask dh to take time off to collect ds. Ds had sn which is why I can't just ask a friend to collect him. My colleague seems a bit put out and I have apologised, but I was hoping she'd be more understanding? I would happily help if I could do it without it affecting ds.

I think she wants to keeo it quiet in the school that she's leaving early which makes asking others difficult.

The emotional impact is due to ds expecting to "have me" on a Friday, whereas dh covering for mil is not losing time with me.

Yabu. Reasons previously mentioned by others. I love these saying....if you stratch my back etc but also what comes around goes around. Next time you need a favour you might find no one will do it. Youve no idea when, what you might need help favour for and it might be a big one. Id return the favour as Ds will have dh picking him up.

I think you are being both unreasonable and reasonable. If you can't help her out, then you can't and that is the way it goes.

I agree when you do someone a favour, there is no guarantee they will return it but it is nice if they so so. You are not beholden to her forever more. Equally, I don't think you have to completely balance out the "level" of favour. As a PP said, it's not about how much doing the favour puts someone out/how much effort it took- sometimes it's about how much the favour was worth to you.

I do think some of what you have written does come over as a bit dismissive of the favour your colleague did- "it was easy", "she was there anyway" etc. At the end of the day she covered your class time during her admin/planning time so that you could go and see your son's assembly- presumably this was important to you, or you wouldn't have gone to the bother of arranging cover?

In her shoes I think I would be disappointed you couldn't help out, but would accept it gracefully. Although I would probably think quite hard about doing you a favour again, especially if I picked up the "not much effort" vibe or realised that the "favour quotient" had carefully calculated to work out whether the favour I had asked matched yours. Not very friendly or team spirited. You might find favours harder to come by in the future.

OP, I had an ex-colleague who always seemed to try to balance colleagues favours with what she would reciprocate with- e.g. if the favour you did her took 1 hour, that is all she would do for you in return, if she thought it should be relatively easy then she would only help with relatively easy favours in return- and only when it suited her. I know the situation is slightly different but there are some parallels. All that happened was that we all began to feel a bit irritated by it and stopped doing her favours- though i think if something urgent/serious had cropped up we would have done what was needed. She suffered most at the end of the day.

If you can't or won't do it, that's totally up to you. I am baffled though why you would start a thread in this.

Your Mil would have to 'cancel her usual Friday plans'...

What, like your colleague canceled her usual non-teaching time plans?

So it's ok for you to ask your colleague to give up her plans for you, but not ok to ask your Mil?

Knowing how valuable my desk time is (also a teacher) I don't understand why you are so dismissive of it. There is a world of difference between sitting at my desk for a couple of hours with a coffee and no interruptions and sitting in a room with students and no coffee. There is no way even the best behaved students will have sat there, in silence, for a couple of hours.

You could ask Mil, but you won't. You could ask DH, but you won't.

That's your choice. Hopefully it won't upset you too much missing every other assembly, Christmas show etc etc. Because it's unlikely you will find someone to cover you again. Everywhere I've taught favours are reciprocal.

And let's not forget that if the OP took a paid afternoon off for the concert, then she probably owes the school one of her unpaid afternoons anyway.

she had to sit with your group for a couple of hours? That is a massive favour. A couple of hours?? sitting with someones elses group, I'd HATE that, it is a very big deal. Why are you minimising it? Why can't your DH collect DS? it was only to see an assembly, nothing serious. Leaving early at he weekend is potentially far more important. You sound very self centred. Why is your little problem so much more serious than hers? Why is putting her out som much more unimportant than putting yourself out for her?

Reciprocity is the basis of society. Anyone who is all take and no give will soon find that there is nothing on offer to take.

I know this is rather pathetic to say at this point, but just to include all the facts it was one lesson she did for me, not a couple of hours, I used that as a turn of phrase.

I am reconsidering my decision so starting this thread was not pointless, dropyoursword.

But to say this is my "little" problem just shows how little you understand about having a child with sn.

It was probably mistake to ask a favour the first place if you knew it could be difficult to return it.

Explain that your DH would have to take the afternoon off, she may be more understanding but won't help you out again.

I think and hope you are mistaking me with another poster. I didn't call this pointless, just wondered why you might start a thread if there was no way to change your decision.

And I have nothing but respect for parents battling through the additional challenges of parenting a SN child. I would never call this a little problem, and in fact apologized earlier on in the thread for saying you minimized your colleagues contribution after you posted an update. Please accept my apologies if anything I did say did indeed make you feel like I implied this was your 'little problem'.

I know her reasons are importanf to her. I haven't asked dh or mil because I know of the difficulties - dh really struggles to take time off work and mil cares for ill fil. Also as I said before ds would be very distressed to lose an afternoon of me getting him. And very distressed is not an exaggeration.

I realise now that it was wrong to ask her for the favour back in June but I honestly didn't think that much of it because it was her gain time during study leave anyway when she had to be in school. Reading your responses makes me realise that it was quite an imposition on my part.

I never thought she would ask me for a favour in return that would impact ds, we have chatted before about ds's difficulties and how hard it is etc

Dropyoursword, sorry I got things mixed up

Wow! You learn something new every day!
I didn't know that if someone does me a favour, I have to make myself available to them to return that favour no matter what and when it is, until the debt is repaid.
And that if they ask something of me that I can't do, I must move hell or high water until I can....because I owe them.

Who knew?

No problem Dorothy

Another 'Validate me' Thread. YABU, but you won't agree or accept that. So why start a thread?

As I just posted I am rethinking my position so not pointless

YANBU, this is just what happens in schools - I've covered plenty of classes for people who need help when I'm on non-contact, it's just what happens. I don't expect exactly the same favour back, sometimes colleagues will cover my duty or something but it's swings and roundabouts throughout the year in terms of cover/work/favours. I'd just say you can't do that particular time because of xyz but you're free at X time if she wants to swap and you'll cover her class whilst she does some marking etc.

OP stop worrying. You have acknowledged that you shouldn't have asked her for the favour back in June when you couldn't return it. I would tell her that and buy her a bottle of wine as an apology. You have told us about your SN child and so I understand that it isn't just easy to change their routine. I would say this face to face, with the apology and acknowledgement that you shouldn't have asked (and wine!).
You are not the terrible person some posters have made out

Yanbu

I sure OP would help out with a favour when possible. Some posters clearly have little understanding of SN children.

Actually, having read ALL your posts, YANBU. I work in a secondary school and appreciate the difference between an early finish (unpaid) and gained time (woohoo!).

If she wants an early finish, she needs to request time off and sort out cover. Even if she had you covering, she would need permission from HR to leave (as I'm sure you did?). You can't just informally arrange cover and expect to be able to be off school site.

She's asking you to be in school outside your contracted hours, that is not a fair return for covering during gained time. She needs to ask someone who has PPA who can swap.

I don't think you "owe" her, but I think it's a reasonable thing for her to ask you to do. At my work I always went out if my way to swap shifts for others, even though I have one with sn, and yes it caused me lots of difficulty. However when I needed it in return, people went to extreme lengths to support me. Over years I didn't keep count, but it is helpful to get along with your colleagues.

Is it really that impossible for your DH to get away early for one day? Or for GPs or a trusted friend to get your son? It does seem a bit shoddy of you to ask for help from someone and then start point scoring about whose predicament is more valid/important and be awkward about returning the favour. Even if it puts you out just this once it's something you owe her.