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AIBU?

to not help her?

376 replies

DorothyL · 09/09/2016 22:41

Last year a colleague covered some hours at work for me (just a couple) so I could see my son's assembly at school. She has now asked me to return the favour but I have said no because it would mean I couldn't pick ds up from school and would have to ask dh to take time off to collect ds. Ds had sn which is why I can't just ask a friend to collect him. My colleague seems a bit put out and I have apologised, but I was hoping she'd be more understanding? I would happily help if I could do it without it affecting ds.

OP posts:

Report

vickiemother · 10/09/2016 00:26

I think Captain Snort has it spot on. When you do someone a favour you do it because you're a nice person, not because of what you want to receive in return.

If I do someone a favour I don't keep a tally of who owes me what. If I then need to ask a favour back I am grateful if they can help and understanding if they can't. If someone constantly had me doing them favouring and making excuses to not do anything for me then it may annoy me after a while but this is not that situation. I can't believe the tone of some of the replies on here telling OP she is selfish, a taker, never wanting to return favours and never having the intention of doing so. Not once has the OP said she has no intention of doing anything for her colleague - people have just made that up in their own heads. It's not always possible to return a favour immediately and that's not the same as not ever doing it. My son and his friend go to football together and often she will take them and often we will. It's not added up that it has to be alternated and neither of us would get stroppy with the other if they couldn't do something the day it was requested.

OP - I don't think you are unreasonable at all in saying that isn't possible on that day. I would say to her what your circumstances are and that you are more than happy to help her out on another day but it's just not possible on that day. I would never expect one of my colleagues to upset her child with special needs or ask her husband to take time off work to help me. I would ask if it was possible and if not I would just accept it. I would like to think my colleagues would be the same. I think that you've been a bit torn apart here and not sure why other than the fact that a couple of posters decided it was fact that you never intended to return a favour and everyone else took that as gospel :-/

CaptainSnort · 10/09/2016 00:31

She's not been selfish. She's prioritising the needs of her CHILD with SN, over the needs of an ADULT colleague. I'm ASTOUNDED than people can't see this.

If OP WAS been truly selfish I'm sure she'd forget about the both of them and go to the pub or something.

MidniteScribbler · 10/09/2016 00:33

You are minimising the favour she did for you. Giving up planning time means time you have to find at home (you know, unpaid time, like what you would be giving up on Friday afternoon) to do the work you could have done in that time.

You obviously believe you are right since you left it a year and hoped she'd forget. You should have arranged something on the spot with her when you wanted her to take your class last year. But you're obviously not going to do this for her anyway, just don't ever expect anyone to be prepared to do you a favour again.

At our school, we often swap around planning times or lunch duty for various reasons, but it's always fair, even if it is sometimes 'If you can watch my class today, I'll watch Sally's on Friday, Sally will watch John's on Tuesday, John will watch Bob's on Wednesday and Bob will watch yours on Thursday' in order to fit around everyone's schedules. Everyone still gets the same amount of planning time/duty time, but we can be flexible. That's why it's called 'team work'.

atetoomanybiscuits · 10/09/2016 00:33

Just a random thought outside of the YaBU to YANBU... What about you involve a 3rd party? That person could be available to cover your payback favour that you can't. Is there anyone? And then you pay them back a favour? Try and agree what that might be that you could do and when X

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 10/09/2016 00:34

It's fine that she can't help.

But she's being so dismissive of the colleague.

She could have bought her something to thank her, so that it was clear it wasn't going to be reciprocated as a favour, that would have been fine too.

But she's making this all about her and how the colleague doesn't matter and her DH and MIL are too busy.

Plenty of teachers don't get to attend their children's assemblies.

SallyMcgally · 10/09/2016 00:34

snort has it. ^ this.
If I were yr colleague I'd be horrified that you'd be torn apart like this.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 10/09/2016 00:35

If OP hadn't been so sneering about the colleague I'm sure more people would be supporting her.

Bluebolt · 10/09/2016 00:38

It is hard with a disabled child and why many families end up with one parent as a full time carer. as there is only so much annual leave and goodwill dries up very quickly. It cost me my job and I hated that I could not be all things to all people.

BombadierFritz · 10/09/2016 00:39

I also teach and we would also instantly suggest the swap, as midnitescribbler describes. it would already be unusual to ask for a favour without suggesting a swap time. op is behaving well outside of teaching norms at my school. the minimising of what the other teacher did is pretty crappy too. thats why she is getting a hard time imo

DorothyL · 10/09/2016 00:39

I'm not dismissive at all, I do appreciate what she's done, but I'm just trying to explain that the circumstances are different.

And I never commented on her reason for wanting the time - I also love weekends away.

I'm not sure many people understand the emotional impact for ds and how it would affect the peace at home for days and days.

OP posts:

SallyMcgally · 10/09/2016 00:39

She hasn't been sneering about the colleague. She's pointed out that it was easier for the colleague to do a favour in June than it will be for her now and on this occasion she can't reciprocate. Nowhere has she said that she would never reciprocate.

PovertyPain · 10/09/2016 00:41

So she used her none teaching, as in FREE TIME, to help you out, but you won't return the favour. You return the favour by dismissing the fact she spent her, yes again, FREE TIME, helping you out. Ah well, if she's any sense she'll not help you out again.

DorothyL · 10/09/2016 00:43

It wasn't unpaid away from school free time though, it was paid non-contact time.

She did in fact say to me at the time "it's no bother, I'm in school anyway"

Team swap not possible as everyone else in the dept teaching then

OP posts:

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 10/09/2016 00:44

^^

It isn't about the fact that you can't do the favour on this occasion, it's about how dismissive you are about the original favour. The colleague didn't risk life and limb for you but equally it was a school assembly, not life and death for you.

I'm sure she will understand you not being able to help out on this occasion. But if you are this dismissive in front of her, count on her not helping out again. Tbh your opinion of her is fairly clear.

BombadierFritz · 10/09/2016 00:46

when people say things like that, they are being polite.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 10/09/2016 00:46

I don't think OP understands that concept...

PovertyPain · 10/09/2016 00:46

She was being nice, OP, because she sounds like a lovely, supportive work mate. She could have spent the time checking work, lesson plans, resting, scratching her arse, whatever the hell she wanted. You are coming across as very selfish, OP.

BombadierFritz · 10/09/2016 00:47

I thought it might be helpful to spell it out (genuine comment as well!)

DorothyL · 10/09/2016 00:47

Please quote where I have been sneering about her as a person?

OP posts:

SallyMcgally · 10/09/2016 00:51

I teach too. We cover each others' classes when things come up, but we don't sort out payback there and then. It's generally accepted that you'll help out WHEN YOU CAN and everything' evens itself out eventually. I can't think of a single colleague of mine who wouldn't be understanding of the OP's situation.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 10/09/2016 00:52

Your overall tone is dismissive and sneering about her.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 10/09/2016 00:54

Plenty of people have said you are BU due to the way you dismiss what she did. That's the only issue, not that you can't help now.

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DancingGoose · 10/09/2016 00:54

All of this expectation to repay the favour a certain way is bullshit.

All of us have our own set of circumstances which limit the times we are able to help someone else out and we are all able to say no if it's too problematic.

Just because one person does another a favour (which they had to option to refuse to do) doesn't meant they now have an unlimited right to request a favour of whatever they want in return, regardless of how it impacts the other.

This request impacts the OP in her own set of circumstances too much and so she is perfectly within her rights to say, sorry I can't do that time. It doesn't mean she should be slagged off to all and sundry because of it.

And really, if you're only going to do
someone a favour so you can call a favour back in future, then that doesn't say much about you!

LugsTheDog · 10/09/2016 00:55

Is there not a compromise to be had though OP? You normally finish at lunchtime but this favour would prevent you picking DS up when - at lunchtime? Or after school? Could you cover most of the time and draft in a third party for just the last half hour or something?

You're right, I'm struggling to understand the days and days of emotional impact given he is normally picked up by your MIL on another day and that is already being swapped for your DH one week. I understand it can't be a random friend but he seems ok to be picked up by his dad when covering for his gran but not for you? You started off talking about your DH already using leave and your MIL being busy, not that his dad picking him would cause days of emotional fallout (despite him doing exactly that the week before). Surely there is some solution that involves meeting her halfway and offering some help. Just showing willing is half the battle.

SallyMcgally · 10/09/2016 00:59

I don't think OP's being dismissive either. She's explaining the context so that we understand the difference of requests. It's like accepting a lift from someone who doesn't have to go out of their way to drop you home, and not being able to take that person on a 20 mile round trip while you have to take a child to the dentist. Doesn't mean you're dismissive or selfish, just that you're saying no to something that costs you and your disabled son far more.

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