to feel bullied over breastfeeding

[user1473451513]

I'm posting a letter I'm sending to my government representatives and was interested to hear others' views on it. I'm in Scotland so no sure how pertinent it is for other parts of the UK or indeed around the world. I want to point out from the offset I am not anti breastfeeding, I am anti bullying.

I write to express my concern, disappointment and upset with regards to a government instigated bullying campaign. This is an issue which has been at the forefront for some time now and causes much angst for all affected. It is the issue of breastfeeding.
I can assure you that I fully understand all the health benefits of breastfeeding, both physical and emotional and there is no doubting that breastfeeding is the healthier option. However, those who do not breastfeed their children are made to feel inferior and I feel that this is a deliberate government policy to create stigma.
When I was pregnant with my son, I was fully intending to breastfeed, I had listened to and read about all the benefits and how it was the best choice for me and my baby. It wasn’t until much later on I realised just how little information I had been given about formula feeding. At the antenatal classes, there was very little discussion around formula feeding and the general information given was something along the lines of ‘make sure your bottles are sterilised’. I also began to realise just how little space in the ‘Ready, Steady, Baby’ book was dedicated to formula feeding versus the wealth of space given over to breastfeeding.
As good as my intentions were, it simply was not to be. I had been trying my absolute best and had completely exhausted myself trying to make it a success. Although I was making every effort to make it work, my son did not take to the breast at all. He got upset and distressed and through this I got upset and distressed. It began to affect my mental health and it was at this point we decided that the best option for us was to switch to formula feeding.
I could not believe it when my health visitor at my six week check demanded to know exactly when I stopped breast feeding – I had to tell her how old my son was when I stopped. To the very day. I was made to feel completely incompetent and was told that I should be getting myself along to the breastfeeding cafes or getting help from the breastfeeding support worker. I did not want this. I wanted to stop breastfeeding but this seemed to be deemed the worst decision ever.
I finally realised today that there is a government ploy to force women into breastfeeding and it was the most innocuous of discussions that made this clear to me. After discussion with a very kind sales assistant in Boots Chemists, I enquired as to why I wasn’t getting Advantage Card points for the baby milk and she told me that it was a government directive to ‘encourage’ women to breastfeed. I don’t feel encouraged to breastfeed – I feel like I am not good enough because I am not breastfeeding my son. I am made to feel that I am missing out and my son is missing out too.
I can assure you my son is healthy, happy and growing well. He gets all the nourishment he needs from his formula milk. I have formed a strong, close bond with him which has developed without breastfeeding.
I know many women feel this way and are victimised for making the correct choices for themselves and their babies. However, it seems that the government wants to tell us what the correct choices are and enforce them upon us. Because of this brainwashing, I find it very difficult to speak out about my feelings as so many people – mums and non-mums alike have been conditioned to believe that breastfeeding is the only way to go and if you’re not exclusively feeding your child yourself then you are the worst mum ever.
In closing, I would like to understand why the government are anti-choice when it comes to the matter of breastfeeding and why mothers who choose not to breastfeed their children are made to feel inadequate. I would like to know why a healthy balance of pros and cons of both formula and breast feeding is absent from any government pregnancy propaganda. I would like to know why I have been made to feel like it would be impossible to speak my mind about the topic and why my free speech is being stifled.
I look forward to reading your response.
Yours sincerely

user1473451513
Proud Formula Feeding Mum

Bollocks is it mostly cultural. I had loads of family support and encouragement and I FAILED.

I can't breastfeed as I take medication that passes to the breast milk and would be harmful for her I am also worried about not being given enough info at my nct classes ive already emailed them to ask if they can cover some basic formula feeding stuff for me. I don't know how much to give what brand to use etc eat. For those who insist breast is best some people like me sadly don't have a choice :(

Reading this and other thread what comes across is how emotive the subject of feeding our babies is (naturally) and also how very hard breastfeeding can be.

I feel like what we don't have enough of is the acknowledgement that it can also be an easy and straightforward experience.

The fact that we hear more about how hard it can be, and less about how easy, must be scary and off putting to women who do not regularly see babies being fed in this way.

The nhs maybe does go for a heavy handed approach, although I never experienced it in this way. But in a society where bf is not the norm, and is therefore an unusual experience how can be best support more mothers to bf?

Because it is the healthiest, cheapest option for mums babies and society as a while.

"Bollocks is it mostly cultural. I had loads of family support and encouragement and I FAILED."
You didn't fail, it just didn't work out. So many there things we plan on don't quiet work out the way we had hopes. However just because it doesn't apply to your personal circumstances doesn't invalidate what I said in my post. I'm fairly sure there is evidence that BF practices and rates are related to socio-economic and cultural contexts, on a population level anyway, that does not necessarily mean it applies to ever individual.

It wasn't cultural for me either. I always had the assumption that I would breastfeed and everyone I knew did that. I remember my mother breastfeeding my younger siblings, and I only found out she switched to formula with me when I had problems myself (she'd been too ashamed to admit it beforehand as it was such common knowledge that breast is best!). I was really determined, read up beforehand, did all the right things (skin to skin, cluster feeding etc), but still my milk didn't come in for some reason. Perhaps my C section was a factor, I don't know. The culture of expectation that I would breastfeed around me was one of the main reasons I continued to mix feed!

forgive typos hands are freezing as heating isn't working so typing fast and not spell checking

Maybe instead of breast is best bollocks, which is reductive and useless and sets up some women to feel like they've failed we should have:

• every bf benefits your baby
• you more than likely have enough milk
• cluster feeding is normal and right
• most babies instinctively build up your milk supply
• check for tounge tie and lip tie early on

Useful advice on posters and whatnot rather than imperatives

"I feel like what we don't have enough of is the acknowledgement that it can also be an easy and straightforward experience."

This is all we have. Don't fit this easy picture and mws hvs have no time for you.

Welshgirl, thats a great post. 'Every feed benefits your baby' was something a breastfeeding counsellor said to me and was really helpful when I was struggling. I do agree with another poster above that sometimes 'wanting to' isn't enough. Onr of my close friends was desparate to BF and her milk just didn't come in. I and other friends on the other hand have had a more relaxed approach to feeding in that we wouldn't have been devastated to FF, and were more successful. In the early days I'd have given anything for 'permission' to FF as I found BF hard and painful yet I have carried on. The amount of 'wanting' doesn't necessarily come into it in my experience.

welsh completely agree, the way BF is promoted needs to change, though I haven't seen an Breast is best posters in a long time. Funding needs to be allocated to facilitate research into ways to reach the different target audiences. NHS is down on its knees and increasing BF rates would be a safe and effective way to saving the NHS ££££££££££££ as well as improving overall population health.

👏👏👏 Well fucking done OP, I absolutely bloody applaud you for having the balls to tell ot like it is. Fact: If you can't /won't breast feed, its almost like you are a second class mother. Good for you for putting it out there!

"its almost like you are a second class mother."

'Almost'?

Does that mean 'not like'?

As in 'I almost broke my leg' means 'My leg isn't broken'.

Jeeze - some people are determined to feel victimised.

Mini - this thread is not about cross examination. There is a lot of hurt caused to new Mums which is real and should be acknowledged. If you have no genuine warmth for women who have suffered or are suffering maybe you need to keep out of it. Save the stat swapping for another thread.

Some mothers are not given adequate support to BF

Some mothers are not given adequate support to FF.

Both need support in different ways at different levels, and the inherent problem is that there's an expectation of women to just 'get on with it', hope they know what they're doing, yet there's limited resources and support available when they struggle. Often the support is a badly misinformed or unpleasant MW or HV. It's a lose-lose situation and affects all mothers.

There are many people and places out there trying to create a BF vs FF divide. Formula companies for example make money off doing it. Rather than allow them to, how about we just recognise a problem that affects women and only women, and rather than moaning about "the other side" we actually club together to tackle women's and mother's issue as a whole?

What I'd like to see is better educated HCPs who understand everything about FF and BF and have time to offer support. I also want to see an acknowledgment that, while breastmilk is for the most part a superior substance to formula, a mother's right to body autonomy takes precedent over everything else. I don't want to live in a world where women are guilted or cajoled into using their bodies in ways they don't want to. This is a very important message that we should teach women through their whole lives.

And I agree the "best is breast" is a fucking terrible message, it probably doesnt mean to but it implies "formula is worst" ergo "formula feeders are worse". I don't think that of course but I can see how one draws that conclusion

Good analysis Pinky.

Breast is best is anyway incorrect. Breast is not better than anything. Alternatives to Breast are not as good. To hide that simple fact would be as irresponsible as pretending that any lifestyle as good and that being healthy is meaningless, or all food are equals or other similar considerations in life around safety, health. We all make different choices based on what is recognised to be 'better' and what we want to do.

No one is talking about hiding the benefits of BF.

You failed at breastfeeding and feel bad so having a go at others.
You formula fed, child is healthy, all good, own it and move on

Not exactly charming, kil.

Some good points, there, Pinky.

I have often said - and not just on this thread - that the language we use with each other ( ie mother to mother) and to ourselves needs to change. So loaded words like 'success' and 'succeed' and 'fail' and 'failure' need to go in the bin. It's impossible to use them without sounding either like a smug superior twat, or a down-trodden self-blaming damp rag.

We could also ban terms like 'the breastfeeding brigade' ( along with the nazi rubbish) while we're at it. This 'othering' of women is divisive and cruel, and helps no one.

And people should also be aware that someone who is formula feeding does not have to justify it. It's not up to anyone but the mother to decide if her reasons for using formula are 'good' reasons - and no one should asking anyone either!

No one has the monopoly on hearing daft comments. I have heard zillions of remarks about BF - directly to me and what other people have told me has been said to them. It's easy to ignore some of them when you are confident in what you're doing ( 'but how do you know your milk is good enough?' and 'are you not worried you'll make him clingy?'). The rude comments, not so much - 'ugh, I could never do that' and ' it makes me think of child abuse' and other crass stupidities. But they are still best filed under 'forget about it'.

Mothers, like everyone else, have to live in a world where there are rude and ignorant people, and work out what is worth staying cross about.

Poor maternity care, lack of support and information from hcps (and 'I'm not allowed to tell you about formula feeding' is a big fat lie from anyone - worth being angry about.

Most other stuff is best let go of, IMO, while we try to watch our own language in the hope it makes things better.

The pressure to breast feed is massive. For me it consisted of sitting on a coach permanently, covered in milk, sore nipples, dd wouldn't take a bottle so expressing was pointless, nights constantly feeding due to growth spurts, hours of cluster feeding, milky maternity bras and lovely mastitis. What fun.
I managed it but only after a struggle and I had to sacrifice a lot to do it.
I don't blame mums for giving up tbh. I wish women wouldn't give each other a hard time about it.

Good to see you're as empathetic and helpful as ever, mini

Breast is natural, formula is an artificial substitute. That's all there is to it really - both feed babies, and most of us get to choose which way we want to do it.

"I'm not allowed to tell you about formula feeding"
Is a direct quote from a midwife to my mil as I was being prepared for a return to hospital because I had become very ill.
"So my granddaughter should just starve then?" was my mil's response. Followed by a furtive nod of the head in the direction of an emergency pack of premade formula.

OP, have you ever read the comments about mothers bf their babies on Mail online? FF is he standard way of infant feeding in the UK. Hardly any babies are ebf at 6 weeks, I believe it is 1% (?) at six months? Correct me if I'm wrong.

I like Tictoc's idea about addressing the language used around motherhood, that would be a real revolution. Words like 'best', 'super' mum etc. seriously.

I bf both am am grateful that I was able to do this, I also had a EMCS and a tricky and traumatic VBAc delivery, neither birth was how it's done by Alpha mum and it did affect me. The trauma from EmCS, the sense of failure for first time mums after going duly to NCT classes and being told that our bodies will sort it out if we are just relaxed enough. Utter Bull. Previously mothers died in childbirth, we are lucky in the UK that this can be mostly prevented now.