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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to send 1 DC to private school, but not the other?

145 replies

DadOfTheYear · 09/09/2016 19:43

DS1 goes to a state school. He is very happy, we couldn't really afford private school when he started school, so decided against it. Things have changed now... DS2 is 3, will be starting school relatively soon, we like one of the private schools, would we BU to send him to one, but not our other son?

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 09/09/2016 23:52

I used to work with a chap whose sister hated him because their parents couldn't afford to send both kids to private school and sent him "because he was the boy". As others have said, your older son may well say he doesn't want to move....but may still resent you for the decision when he's an adult. Put another way - are you willing to take that risk? On the other hand, I think Stealth's situation is entirely different; there she is treating the children equally at the point that finances allow, if you see what I mean.

Asuitablemum · 09/09/2016 23:57

In your situation I think that it is fine.

ToffeeForEveryone · 10/09/2016 00:06

Save your money and take the whole family on excellent holidays.

If the state school is good enough for you to leave your DS1 there then presumably the difference in quality between the state and private schools is marginal. Wouldn't the money be better spent on something the family can share than something that could become divisive in years to come?

SternlyVoice · 10/09/2016 00:12

I strongly disagree. My dad and one of his brothers went to a state school while their older brothers went to a private school. It caused a lot of resentment over the years. A similar situation arose with my cousins and the privately educated one looks down on his state-educated siblings. It's not a happy mix.

ijustdontknowanymore · 10/09/2016 00:37

I don't see this as an issue - whichever school is best for each child is most important. Both of my elder sisters were privately educated, while I went to the local state school, in part because I wanted to stay with my primary school friends. I did better than both of them academically, and don't hold any resentment towards my parents for sending us to different schools.

Secretmetalfan · 10/09/2016 01:04

If you are choosing the private school to bring ds2"out of his shell" this could be entirely the wrong reason. He might be happy in his shell. Forcing a sensitive or introverted child into a situation that is entirely against their personality will not do him any favours in the long run

StealthPolarBear · 10/09/2016 07:19

Natalie it's more that we only want them to go private for secondary but once we move ds it's easier to move dd too.

FrancisCrawford · 10/09/2016 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

a8mint · 10/09/2016 07:56

This has caused massive resentment in adulthood in every family I know who has done it. Probably not what you wanted to hear...

Kr1stina · 10/09/2016 08:30

It costs about £100,000 these days for an independent primary from Reception to Year 6. That is just fees and does not include trips, uniform, etc

You must live in a very low cost area . It's at least £10k a year here fees alone so that's £150k per child, all in .

I don't understand why people don't take that £300k and move house to a better area with decent schools . Then everyone benefits - the kids get a great education , don't have to commute , get to live near their friends and do aftre school activities etc

And the whole family get to live in a nicer area . And the money is in the house for the parents to leave to their kids / sell up when they retire and travel round the world / find their nursing home

EllsTeeth · 10/09/2016 09:03

"It costs about £100,000 these days for an independent primary from Reception to Year 6. That is just fees and does not include trips, uniform, etc

You must live in a very low cost area . It's at least £10k a year here fees alone so that's £150k per child, all in"

But there are 7 years between Reception and Y6 not 15?

"I don't understand why people don't take that £300k and move house to a better area with decent schools . Then everyone benefits - the kids get a great education , don't have to commute , get to live near their friends and do aftre school activities etc"

I'd say that most parents who send their children to private school already live in nice areas.

NavyandWhite · 10/09/2016 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EllsTeeth · 10/09/2016 09:57

Wow NavyandWhite that is unusual imo. Pre prep fees here are £11-12k rising at Prep to more like £15k. I thought that was average.

NavyandWhite · 10/09/2016 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EllsTeeth · 10/09/2016 10:01

Maybe yes.

Kr1stina · 10/09/2016 10:09

Sorry Ells, I was assuming that most people who send their child to private primary will continue to secondary .

If you are going to pay for one school, most families choose to so for secondary and not primary .

If they already live in a good area with good schools, why go private ? I can understand why you woudl want private if your local school was terrible ( appreciate that not everyone has the luxury of that choice )

Gyderlily · 10/09/2016 10:12

I definitely couldn't do this, also find it a bit odd to send any child to a private primary but with the intention of then sending them to a state secondary! It's generally the other way around! Especially as dc2 is shy as then will be staring a school with a hugely different dynamic and knowing no one as classmates will most likely be moving on to a private secondary! I think the adjustment would be extremely hard at this stage!

funfunapple · 10/09/2016 10:19

Our youngest 2 are at private and eldest isn't. They all started at the same state primary but it went into special measures when the eldest was in year 6. We moved the younger 2 to private when he went into year 7 and he moved to an outstanding and I mean proper outstanding, comprehensive.

Our second will join him at the comprehensive next September and the plan is that the youngest will also go in due course. We gave the eldest the option to go privately at 11 but actually felt that the comprehensive was the best fit for him so didn't push it when he said a very firm no. He's in year 9 now and again we offered him the option to do 13+ but he thought we were mad. We've also told him that we would be very happy if he wants to move at 16 to a private school. At the moment he doesn't and although we will offer the open days etc to him in year 11 he's not keen and I don't blame him as his school sent 15 to Oxbridge last year and 80% to Russell Group uni's

I think we have done the right thing. He does every trip, every extra curricular that he wants and we haven't had to curtail his life to pay fees for the others.

Having said all that I'm not sure I would send one to prep school and not the other just because you fancy it unless the older one was in year 5 or 6 and it would be disruptive to change

NavyandWhite · 10/09/2016 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EllsTeeth · 10/09/2016 12:35

"If they already live in a good area with good schools, why go private ?

I suppose you choose the school that's right for your child? The schools in our area were "outstanding" but didn't suit Ds imo for various reasons, he went for a short while before I pulled him out."

Yes quite. We have an outstanding primary here but it selects children based on parents' faith (or pretend faith). Not for us! We also have a good state primary. We chose the excellent private pre prep because we felt it suited DS better. There is another private pre prep which we would have chosen the state option over. So yes it's the school that best suits the child if you're lucky enough to have the option of both sectors.

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