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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to send 1 DC to private school, but not the other?

145 replies

DadOfTheYear · 09/09/2016 19:43

DS1 goes to a state school. He is very happy, we couldn't really afford private school when he started school, so decided against it. Things have changed now... DS2 is 3, will be starting school relatively soon, we like one of the private schools, would we BU to send him to one, but not our other son?

OP posts:

Kit30 · 09/09/2016 21:15

Your DC is very young and I doubt the shyness will last long & probably sort itself out pretty quickly whichever school you choose. How many of his private school classmates are likely to go on to the local state school? It 'll be much harder for him to settle later on if he's moved away form his friends into a bigger, busier school and his friends are elsewhere. I'd go for the state school (and think that the sibling resentment argument is very valid too) and save your money for something your whole family can benefit from.

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2016 21:15

" hearing from the smug head who spoke about how superior the private school's pupils were in contrast to the "dross" at local comprehensive schools"
What a wanker

Lunchboxlewiswillyoumarryme · 09/09/2016 21:16

Put both in state schools and use the money to take the family on lovely holidays..show them the world,and treat them equally....I never forgot how my brother had driving lessons paid for at 18. And my sister and I didn't.....he was the golden boy...resentment of not being treated fairly still lingers....

GraceGrape · 09/09/2016 21:17

He may well be fine now, but resent it when he's grown up. My uncle was sent to private school whereas my Mum and Auntie weren't and they always felt some resentment. It was the same for my FIL's family.

notagiraffe · 09/09/2016 21:20

I wouldn't. It's the sort of thing they may reflect on in later life and think one had preferential treatment. Friends have had DC in a mix of private and state grammar, but private and state at junior does seem pointless.

notagiraffe · 09/09/2016 21:21

Alpaca that's heartbreaking.

dowhatnow · 09/09/2016 21:25

I think it would be incredibly difficult to go from a private primary to a state secondary. Such a hard and unfair transition and he will be leaving friends behind too.

Best to do it the other way round. Both to private secondary. Or none.

dowhatnow · 09/09/2016 21:26

Or use the money for private tuition for both when/if needed, when they are older.

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2016 21:26

I thought there were areas of the country where the children who don't get into grammars are sent private? Is that not what this is?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 09/09/2016 21:32

It may be fine. But as people have said here it may lead to huge resentment in the future (particularly if ds2's life turns out "better" than ds1's life) both to you and to each other.

I would have to be very very sure that the two schools used were very very right for my children ie that going to the other school would damage them before I would be willing to risk something as important as the sibling relationship over it.

I also believe that if you are going to spend money on private then secondary is the time to do it. Unless you are in a grammar school area - but then I'd be very very nervous - private schools are very good at getting kids into grammar school.

LugsTheDog · 09/09/2016 21:34

Alpaca that's awful.

My two penn'orth is that it's not as simple as giving DC1 the choice and, if they want to stay with their best friend, consider you've done all you need to to ensure fairness. He is not old enough to assess the big picture. If you make this choice you need to own it and not throw the blame back at him when he resents you for it later. Which, IMO, he is likely (but not certain) to.

It might just be ok/not too damaging if DC2 was struggling at local school and you moved just him. But when you haven't even tried him at the local school it's treating them too differently IMO.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 09/09/2016 21:34

FWIW my very shy Dd has come out of her shell very well at her state primary. They "get" her.

Kr1stina · 09/09/2016 21:35

Stealth - I know many families who have done what you plan to do ( moving both children at the same time from state to private ) and went well for them all.

Several did it as their oldest was starting high school ( I don't know what year that is in the English system ) .

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2016 21:35

It never even occurred to me it was unfair, just seems practical and sensible!

Kr1stina · 09/09/2016 21:36

I agree, it can be diffcult logistically

PinguForPresident · 09/09/2016 21:42

It seems dreadfully unfair to me. Either state-til-eight with both of them (or move to the private sector at 11) or send them both to the state.

I have 1 child at private school and 1 at state, but the one at private is on a full scholarship because she's exceptionally academic, and the one at state is in reception and doesn;t know where the heck he is most of the time (he's at an OFSTED outstanding primary school at the end of my road. It's a cracking school). The intention is to move him to private at 11. I wouldn't leave 1 to sink or swim in the state secondary system, while the other enjoyed all the privilege of the private sector.

GingerbreadGingerbread · 09/09/2016 21:43

YANBU. This happened in my family differ met schools suited different children, all fine.

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2016 21:46

Seriously, if he plans to send both to state secondary don't you think he's talking about grammar school?

Maryann1975 · 09/09/2016 21:46

My nephew was sent to private secondary school a couple of years after his siblings had been through the local state secondary. He has gone on to university and has a rally good job with good long term prospects. His brother and sister left school at 16, one is a nursery nurse and the other works in a factory (I am not belittling these jobs, they are very similar to what DH and I do, it's just they are low paid/low skilled jobs, unlike the brother). Could their lives have been different if they had been given a better education like their brothers. They are bitter about it and I can't say I blame them.

iseenodust · 09/09/2016 21:49

My younger DB went to an independent from age 8 and I went to the local comp. His was the local all boys and the equivalent all girls had a dreadful reputation. I can understand my parents reasoning and they happily moved me to the all boys for mixed 6th form. I'm not resentful but I know I had a poorer quality education.

OP I think you should try the state primary for your DS2 as a start. You cannot let your 8 yr old say 'it's ok' and make it his decision to stay. At 8 he needs a parent to take the responsibility to act in his best interest.

Stealth what you are proposing is quite common for the ease of travel logistics. I don't think moving them at the same time is inherently unfair.

Enidblyton1 · 09/09/2016 21:53

On the surface it sounds unreasonable, but I think it all depends on the actual schools involved (which I totally understand you wouldn't discuss on here). 'Private' can mean anything from a very exclusive London pre prep to a fairly bog standard small fee paying school. If you are talking about the latter, then I don't see it as much of a difference to But YWBVU to put your DC2 into a top pre prep whilst leaving your DC1 at a state primary. Think of the social side as well - that could be a massive difference between schools which your DC1 may notice in a couple of years time.
Having said that, maybe all fine if they definitely end up going to the same state secondary. Primary school will seem fairly irrelevant to them when they are in their 20s.
I still don't think I would do it though. Id either spend the money on extra curricular activities - music, sport etc. Or family holidays. Or if you can afford it (unless the state secondary is literally in the top 20 in the UK), I'd send them both to private secondary.

andintothefire · 09/09/2016 21:56

Generally I agree that children should be offered the same opportunities, but here all the OP would be able to do to ensure fairness is to move her DS1 (who is 8) to a private school for 3 years away from his friends before moving him back to state school with them at 11. I don't really see how that would be in his best interests, although if she wants to give him the option then she could do.

I still think the real issue is the plan to spend a lot of money putting a young child through private education until he is 11, then tell him at that stage that he has to go to a state school that presumably not many of his friends are going to. I presume it is not a grammar school, because there is no way of knowing that he would get into a grammar school at his age. But perhaps there are good reasons for doing this that the OP has not revealed.

On the other hand, I wouldn't see anything wrong with starting DS2 at a private school now, then moving both sons to private school for secondary. The key is that they are both happy and offered the same opportunities - which I think in this situation mainly involves them going to the same kind of school at secondary level.

littlepeas · 09/09/2016 21:57

stealth I recently moved my 3 dc to private from state at the same time - they were in years R, 1 and 2, so the littlest will have 2 years additional private education when compared to the eldest. I don't think it's a big deal - we were able to afford it from this year and moved them. If ds1 ever challenged me on it I'd be disappointed with him tbh - we are doing our best for all of them and ultimately, if we were to keep it 'fair' he would have even fewer years of private education, as we wouldn't move them till secondary!

imwornout · 09/09/2016 21:58

As someone who went to a state school when their younger sibling went private I'd say please don't!!

I can now, just about, understand my parents reason for doing it, but as a teenager I felt like I just wasn't as important

My parents tried to persuade us to send DS1 private ( not DS2 though!) , not on your Nellie!!!!!

mygorgeousmilo · 09/09/2016 21:58

If other people's opinion matters, and I'm guessing it does a bit - someone does this at our school. The elder child goes private, the only slightly younger one goes to our quite posh state. They have plenty of money, it is without a doubt. It is constantly mentioned, gossiped about, and all round frowned upon. Every time you forget about it, someone will pipe up "oh is she the one who sent one private and the other to state?" And then everyone chimes in with how awful it is. IMO I don't feel that any three year old really needs a private education, and if your elder child has thrived there, then it seems like a waste of money. Why not save it and send them both to private secondary school? Or keep for tutoring, sports, clubs etc. As someone who considers their whole childhood as one big fat load of unfairness, I would suggest that anything that could potentially add to those feelings, I'd avoid. You do not want to pit siblings against each other(I know you have good intentions), and cause resentment. You can explain it to them as much as you like, but big differences in upbringing do cause friction in families.

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