to send 1 DC to private school, but not the other?

[DadOfTheYear]

DS1 goes to a state school. He is very happy, we couldn't really afford private school when he started school, so decided against it. Things have changed now... DS2 is 3, will be starting school relatively soon, we like one of the private schools, would we BU to send him to one, but not our other son?

Thanks everyone. It's his birthday very soon and I'm feeling a bit raw...

Of course he as a witness/informant is dead, but I was very pleased when I saw Operation Yew Tree had scooped up a couple of people from that school!

stealth your plan makes sense - there are a lot of benefits to moving DC at same time

I think one of the worst things about my very expensive education was the way we ended up thinking children at state schools must be really rough and somehow on a different planet. Bonkers and very embarrassing. But imagine sending your own child to mix with children with those awful attitudes towards your other child. Ugh!

(I am sure there are private schools that don't breed that attitude, but I doubt they are easily discerned from those that do in a prospective visit by parents.)

littlepeas - I'm sure there won't be any resentment. My brother went to private school at a younger age than I did because I won a scholarship and they felt that we should both have the same opportunity. Even though my education was almost free and his cost many times what mine did (resulting in no family holidays, new clothes, trips out etc for many years!) I am just glad they did their best for both of us.

Ironically, my brother decided to move to a state school to take his GCSEs and ended up doing OK (but not brilliantly) and leaving school at 16. I sometimes feel quite sad that he was allowed to move schools because I think he ended up being lost in the state system as one of the average students. Obviously that can happen in private schools too, but I just wonder if the move to larger year groups and class sizes meant the school let him slip through the gaps a bit. Ultimately I think that he just needed more practical support than I did, and my parents have spent a lot more on him financially for various reasons. No family is ever entirely "fair" in a commercial sense - it's equal love and support when it is needed that is important.

Send the second one private.
Invest the same money for the second one, give it to him when he's 18.

I'm pretty sure I know which of the two will be happier with the deal, but it's "fair".

I think it's a little strange to consider private primary then state secondary. It might work but depending on the school it may be a big adjustment. Ultimately, I don't think YABU to start DS2 in private if it will be better for him, but you need to be prepared to move DS1 if he would like to - and make it clear that he can do - and also be prepared to allow them both to go through to sixth form privately if that's what they want.

I thought there were areas of the country where the children who don't get into grammars are sent private? Is that not what this is?

Who pays for this private education??

The parents.
It's not smething I have personal experience of as we don't live in a grammar area

I disagree that private at primary is a waste. I think they benefit hugely from smaller class sizes when younger and it sets up their whole outlook on education. I think it does especially benefit those who can get lost in the "invisible middle" group. It's very common in Bucks to go prep to grammar. If you have enough money to ensure you could go private at secondary if they either fail the 11+ then I saw go for it.

Slightly different scenario to the OP but we were almost in the situation of having 1 DC in private and 1 in state school recently. 7 years ago we tried to get DS into a great state school but didn't get a place so we put him in private school. Roll on 5 years and our finances had changed and we could no longer afford two school fees. We applied for the same great state school for DD and fortunately she did get a place. We were actually unhappy with DS's private school so I spent six months last year calling the state school fortnightly trying to get DS a place in the juniors only to be continuously told they were full.

Fortunately, a child left at the end of the academic year and he started year 5 in the state school at the same time as DD started reception. Had DS not got a place he would have stayed in private school. Is it fair that DS had 5 years of private education when his sister didn't? I think it's fine because - like the OP - our finances changed and I also knew that DD would do well in any school whereas DS needed more support (incidentally he gets much more support in the state sector).

To the posters saying that DS2 will struggle going to a state comp after private school, not necessarily. DS's previous school had 10 children in the year and he moved to a school with 120 kids in the year, he is shy and can struggle with large new groups and he has been absolutely fine.

This thread is riddled with covert snobbery, or the idea of snobbery.

Choose the school that fits the child, talk to your older child who's happy where he is. Ask his opinion, explain that you think the other school is better for DC2 because he's needs slightly different encouragement, offer him the chance to go too and respect his choice.

If you come across any snobbery from parents or other children, stamp on it fast. Just because there's some sort of weird culture that independent / private is best, doesn't mean it's true. Bringing your children up to treat everyone the same should go a long way to counteracting it.

Come to think of it, it's worth assessing the culture of the school; does the head have a kind of unspoken attitude that fee-paying is best? if they don't, then great. If they do, then be careful

Fwiw I've seen it work well in one case where a child went to fee-paying and another didn't. In other cases it hasn't. But that has mostly been the up-themselves snobbery of the parents and the occasional teacher.

Stealth I doubt your kids will even register that one had more years in private school than the other. The private school that DS was at has just closed. Lots of his friends have gone into the state sector (we are in a small NE city so only one other tiny private school to choose from) and most of them have siblings in different years so again, they will have benefited from more time in private education than their siblings but they aren't going to remember that.

That's exactly what I assumed. Never thought anyone would even think differently. Bit I suppose it also depends on the school, as private schools go were not talking huge amounts.

This happened to my DH. He was the eldest and not sent. It still causes issues 15 years later. In fact came up in an argument the other night. Resentment to parents and between siblings. It's awful.

Oh I think I know the one you mean :( very sad

It was awful. Most parents and older kids found out it was closing via social media!

Really?? How much notice did you get?

Everyone was told 2nd week of the January school term that it would close in July (after the terms fees were paid and the day AFTER LA admissions for primary places closed). The teachers were told at the end of the school day and a statement was put on the school's website that night which the local Echo got hold of and reported on their website / facebook. At this point no parents / kids knew anything! Many older kids found out via facebook and the younger ones had to be told the following morning before being sent off to school. Probably half of the kids had left by Feb half term and the vast majority went by Easter. Some teachers had kids there so lost their jobs and their child's school!

"Come to think of it, it's worth assessing the culture of the school; does the head have a kind of unspoken attitude that fee-paying is best? if they don't, then great. If they do, then be careful"

But surely the head of any fee paying school must want to convince prospective parents that the education their school offers is better than the local state option (or indeed other private options) otherwise how would they "sell" their school and convince parents it was worth parting with a tonne of cash? I don't think it's wrong for a head to convey their belief that their fee paying school offers a "better" education that state options available. Or vice versa for the head of a state school to want to convince parents that their school offers a better education than a local private option actually. It is wrong for a head to have the attitude than ANY private school is better than any state school or vice versa though.

And the comment about "dross" at the local comprehensive from up thread is despicable. I would guess at this not being at a top tier academic private school!

We sent ds1 to private school with the intention to send all 3 to same school, however change in personal fortunes meant we were unable to....ds1 was already in GCSE yr so we didn't want to move her ( she has dyslexia/ dyspraxia and dyscalculia and the small class sizes suited her)
She stayed on to do her A levels as they weren't offers at the local comp
ds2 wanted to go to local comp- she's more outgoing, all her friends were going there- she then did BTEC at local college and got distinctions in her course
At the end of the day, they were both happy , got the results they required to go to Uni and I think if we'd done it differently they wouldn't have achieved the results they got
In your case OP I think I would save my money and send both to private school for secondary if possible

Absolutely Ellsteeth. I'd expect any head to give a good sales pitch for their school and at private schools that includes convincing prospective parents that they are worth the money.

Stealth I think your circs are very different. My parents did similar - moved me from state to private and started my brother in YR at the private school at the same time - and honestly I got to about p4 of this thread before I even remembered. IMO it was the fairest thing they could have done and different to the OP.

But surely the head of any fee paying school must want to convince prospective parents that the education their school offers is better than the local state option (or indeed other private options) otherwise how would they "sell" their school and convince parents it was worth parting with a tonne of cash? I

the whole premise underlying this thread is that fee paying is better than state, or more accurately perceived to be better.

A good head will talk about the strengths of their school and an honest one will not cover up the areas they need to improve on. But because the assumption is so widespread that private is better, it's worth keeping an eye on the head to see how they speak of the state school that your children will go into later. -How- they speak of state education is quite revealing. Also if you find out what proportion of the kids go on to further private schooling v state schools.

Really, it comes down to the right school for the child though.

It costs about £100,000 these days for an independent primary from Reception to Year 6. That is just fees and does not include trips, uniform, etc.

Independent primary schools are great - I worked in one and both my kids went to one until we moved away from the UK this summer - but honestly I would save the £100k, spend some of it on tutors for the 11+ and send BOTH kids to independent secondary.

No you should not treat your children differently. Either both get this benefit or neither does.
YABU. Unbelievably so.