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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to send 1 DC to private school, but not the other?

145 replies

DadOfTheYear · 09/09/2016 19:43

DS1 goes to a state school. He is very happy, we couldn't really afford private school when he started school, so decided against it. Things have changed now... DS2 is 3, will be starting school relatively soon, we like one of the private schools, would we BU to send him to one, but not our other son?

OP posts:
Chocolateteabag · 09/09/2016 20:21

Plus will it do DS2 a disservice to go from private primary to state secondary? Is it likely he'd get bullied for it at secondary?
(Have you ever watched the Inbetweeners?)

WhateverWillBe · 09/09/2016 20:22

Maybe it won't matter now but it might in years to come if one feels the other was given different opportunities. I would be concerned about the sibling relationship in the future

This, in a nutshell.

I wouldn't send subsequent children to a private school except in exceptional circumstances. Use the money for something else to benefit both dc.

kierenthecommunity · 09/09/2016 20:25

I must admit I wouldn't bother with a private primary education if you intend for the child to go to a state high school. Other way round, yes.

Wouldn't most of the private kids be going on to a private high school too, so your son would feel a bit hard done by? And end up at 11 in a school where he doesn't know anyone?

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2016 20:26

We are considering switching both dc to a private school at ds enters year 6.dd would therefore enter in year 3. She will have two more years private schooling than ds. Does that really matter?

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2016 20:27

Sorry three more years. Grr.

andintothefire · 09/09/2016 20:34

I think that what you are proposing is fine. Could you give DS1 the option of moving to the same school as his younger brother? That way if he doesn't want to move he can't feel resentful (not that I think he will anyway - the key is that they get the same opportunities at 11+).

Your other option is to send DS2 to a state school for the next couple of years, and to move him when DS1 also moves at age 11. I think that in the very early years of school it is not really worth paying for a private education if you have a good state option. I certainly wouldn't worry about moving children at age 7 or 8 if you think another school is better though - they make new friends very quickly.

CremeBrulee · 09/09/2016 20:34

Plenty of children go from private primary to state secondary without being bullied. What a daft comment, the Inbetweeners is not real you know.

andintothefire · 09/09/2016 20:37

I also don't really see the point of a private primary and state secondary personally - if you have an excellent secondary state school then presumably there are also very good feeder schools. I think your DS2 might feel more resentful at going to a private primary school then being made to move to a state school at 11 when almost all of his friends are staying in the private system.

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2016 20:45

Is the secondary school a grammar?

user1471443957 · 09/09/2016 20:48

Yabvvu! I'm amazed people think it's ok to spend loads more money on one child than another for no particular reason!

Outtaker · 09/09/2016 20:49

Why do people assume private is better? hmm there are some really shit private schools around and some amazing state ones

I agree, but it's not the quality of their educations that will cause the issues in years to come, but their respective costs.

Hoppinggreen · 09/09/2016 20:51

I wouldn't do Private first followed by State Secondary, the transition is likely to be quite difficult.
I would say both State Primary and Private Secondary.
Our DD has just started Private Secondary but her brother is still at the state Primary she went to. She is getting offered very different things but we can rationalise it because DS knows he will go there eventually.

totalrecall1 · 09/09/2016 20:52

I agree wth PP. You are going to tell an adult that he didn't go to private school because he made that decision when he was 8?? An 8 year old doesn't understand the implications. He will make new friends as he goes through different schools. Unless you intend on putting him in private at 11 so he gets an equal opportunity YABVVU.

Hoppinggreen · 09/09/2016 20:54

Oh, and I'm 44 and my brother is 48 and he's STILL bitter about the fact that I went to Private school and he didn't - apparently if he had been given my opportunities he would rule the world!!!
( I got a scholarship by the way, my parents couldn't afford it)

Purplepicnic · 09/09/2016 20:56

I think private school followed by state is a bad idea. He will stand out like a sore thumb and the change of culture will be hard for him.

Treating them differently is also a bad idea. It will cause problems in their sibling relationship and their relationship with you.

Don't listen to what your DS1 says - he's 8 years old, of course he will opt to stay at his school with his friends. He's not capable of making an informed decision.

WhisperingLoudly · 09/09/2016 20:58

Have I read correctly that you plan is to put DC2 in a private primary and then transition to a state secondary?

That seems like a pointless waste of time.

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2016 21:01

Shock at pointless waste
Do people think what we're planning to do is wrong too?

IzzyIsBusy · 09/09/2016 21:01

A bit yes.

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2016 21:04

Thank you.
It would seem stupid to us to cause a load of hassle and keep them apart for three years just to ensure 'fairness' - plus we don't have a problem with the primary and have no reason to think it's 'inferior' to the private one.

WhisperingLoudly · 09/09/2016 21:05

Stealth I think you're planning on keeping kids in state school for a bit and then moving them to a private school until they finish their education?

That makes much more sense.

Whatever your thoughts on state v private it makes sense that they have whatever you feel is the best education in their senior school years

Holymolymay · 09/09/2016 21:05

I don't think it's an issue to treat both as individuals. I do think private primary school is a waste of money. Why not pay fir secondary instead?

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2016 21:05

And tbh until this thead I'd never even considered the fairness as an issue. If it is simply on money spent then yes I probably should.

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2016 21:06

Yes but whispering we'd be moving dd at the same time as her older brother. So at the end of their education he'll have been privately educated from age 10, she will have been privately educated from age 8.
assuming we do do it.

Lunde · 09/09/2016 21:12

It is a big can of worms as the resentments can last a lifetime - especially as it is not just the fees but the expensive uniforms, sports equipment and coaching, music lessons and mega expensive school trips that means so much more money (and time) will do into the privately educated child.

My parents did this - privately educated my older brothers while the local comprehensive was good enough for me, their daughter. The worst was being dragged along to "speech day" and hearing from the smug head who spoke about how superior the private school's pupils were in contrast to the "dross" at local comprehensive schools

AlpacaLypse · 09/09/2016 21:12

I'm still furious that my dad spent a fortune on prep and then public school for our brother and left me and our sisters to sink or swim in the local comprehensive.

The fact that he died aged 38 from substance abuse, having never really recovered from the sexual abuse he suffered at the prep, just makes me even more angry.

Save your money for when it might make a difference OP. Use the good state primaries, invest the cash in the extras like music/sport. Most of all, don't set up something bound to cause a massive family row in a few years time.