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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Save the Date Cards

65 replies

Cackleberry4 · 07/09/2016 13:42

When you receive a save the date card a year or more ahead of the wedding, how can you get away with declining the invitation when it arrives?

The couple know full well that I have no holiday booked, I was shocked to be invited and was caught short when handed the STDC so no time to find an excuse to not attend on the hoof.

I hate the damn things AIBU?

OP posts:

Itrytoohard · 07/09/2016 13:44

Why don't you want to go?

MrsJoeyMaynard · 07/09/2016 13:44

I suppose they're useful if it had been given to you by someone whose wedding you would want to go to.

JustHappy3 · 07/09/2016 13:44

I'd think of it more as a pencil the date in card - stuff crops up. You can be full of apologies when the invite arrives. It's an invitation not a summons - as everyone says on mn.

FrancisCrawford · 07/09/2016 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Cackleberry4 · 07/09/2016 13:51

I don't know the couple very well, I'm a closer friend of the brides father.

I am flattered to be invited, not to mention surprised, my husband will know no one and I will know 3 people and a fourth vaguely.

I just feel as kind and thoughtful the invite is they have friends closer to them to invite.

OP posts:

Pineapplemilkshake · 07/09/2016 13:51

We had this recently - the STDC was given to us via MIL 6 months ago and the actual invitation last week. It was for DP's cousin who we never see and I've never met (in the three years we've been together). I sent a lovely wedding decline card just saying 'We are so sorry we are unable to attend but hope you have a wonderful day" without actually giving a reason. We didn't actually have a genuine excuse but just didn't fancy going/leaving DC for the weekend or being out of pocket. I suppose it's harder if you know them better though.

WingsofNylon · 07/09/2016 14:00

If you don't know the couple well it sounds like it was just a polite invitation and they won't mind when you decline. As you say, they will probably invite someone else in your place.

Pineappletastic · 07/09/2016 14:01

We did save the date cards, people lead busy lives and the usual three months notice would be nowhere near enough time for me, under normal circumstances my weekends are booked up about 6 months in advance.

It also cut down (though in no way stopped), the amount of 'when's your wedding again?'s from people making plans. It did also give people chance to save up if they wanted to come (I'm talking 18 months notice of 1 night in a UK travelodge, not Maui, some of my family still used money as an excuse not to come, one uncle even after I offered him my house for free)

Like a PP said, it's an invite not a summons, if you don't want to go, don't go. They're hardly going to put 'Save the Date - unless you don't want to come' that's just depressing.

Danglyweed · 07/09/2016 14:04

We recently got one for dh's workmates wedding next year... a week in cuba. We have 4 dc(he hates kids so has none), he earns the same amount as dh, how the hell he thinks we can afford it is beyond me. Well actually we could afford it, but he's a complete twat

Velvetdarkness · 07/09/2016 14:20

What I don't understand is why people don't just send the invitations out? What is a STD if not an invitation?

MangosteenSoda · 07/09/2016 14:23

We got a save the date fridge magnet recently.

This thread has just reminded me that we need to decline (they specified that potential attendees should decline in advance of official invites so the reserve list fridge magnets could be activated)!

Redglitter · 07/09/2016 14:24

You don't need an excuse not to go. Just send back a 'can't go' card when you get the invite. You don't need to provide a reason

OlennasWimple · 07/09/2016 14:24

STD is saying "we know what date the wedding is going to be on but haven't got all the details worked out yet. And we know it's too soon to ask you to commit to being there so we will send you a formal invitation nearer the time with more details so you can let us know if you are able to attend"

Topseyt · 07/09/2016 14:28

It all seems like a further and totally unnecessary faff to me.

I don't remember there being save the date cards in my day. I would think of them as just another money grabbing wheeze by the greeting card industry, but clearly I am the arch old cynic anyway.

milliemolliemou · 07/09/2016 14:29

Doesn't it depend? if you have friends and relatives all around the place and the universe they need to consider if they want to/can afford to travel/stay. Could be done via email but not for some of the more elderly. If already committed/can't afford/don't want to go you can just say no and good luck. It does allow the couple to invite others in your place/resize the wedding. I agree with Pineapple six weeks isn't enough for working/family couples to sort things for the formal invitation so three months?

Topseyt · 07/09/2016 14:30

And I would still decline if I wanted to without feeling guilty.

Soubriquet · 07/09/2016 14:30

We got a save the date balloon

Literally an envelope, a deflated balloon and a slip of paper that said "please inflate and save the date"

Once the ballon was blown up, the date was written on it

Velvetdarkness · 07/09/2016 14:30

So Olenna it IS an invitation, but with a long rsvp date. Why not just do that?

TheNaze73 · 07/09/2016 14:30

Just say you can't make it. You don't need an excuse

LetsJunglyJumpToIt · 07/09/2016 14:32

It's just a save the date, not an invitation. When that arrives just decline, it's not a big deal.

We sent save the date cards as I'm a nurse and have a rota 3 months in advance. Trying to get everyone off on the same day can be a huge task.

Summersalmostgone · 07/09/2016 14:35

I hate save the date cards too! I want to know exactly what I'm being invited too before I pass up any other plans. It also makes it harder to decline gracefully if you don't want to go.
I received a save the date for a distant friend last year. A year before the wedding. I was asked if I could make it and I said yes. When I received the invitation I realised I really, really did not want to go. It involved multiple venues with lots of travelling between ( 3 different venues!) and hours of waiting around.

Oysterbabe · 07/09/2016 14:36

Just say no when the invite arrives. No further explanation needed. They probably won't care. We were pleased when we got some rejections, each one was £75 in the bank

Nutellas · 07/09/2016 14:40

I once received a Save the Date flip flop.

TaterTots · 07/09/2016 14:42

Danglyweed - He doesn't think you can afford it. He wants to show off that he can. If you really want to piss him off, go

OlennasWimple · 07/09/2016 14:44

No, the STD card isn't asking you to accept or decline, so it's not an invitation. It's a head's up that an invitation will be coming in due course. But of course receiving a STD card doesn't oblige you to attend, either because you are already committed, you don't want to go, or something else comes along in the meantime.

I think they've become more of a thing now that weddings are planned so far in advance. And of course the wedding industry is adroit at identifying new merchandising opportunities, so where an email would do the job adequately, B&Gs are encouraged to spend ££££s on cards instead

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