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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Save the Date Cards

65 replies

Cackleberry4 · 07/09/2016 13:42

When you receive a save the date card a year or more ahead of the wedding, how can you get away with declining the invitation when it arrives?

The couple know full well that I have no holiday booked, I was shocked to be invited and was caught short when handed the STDC so no time to find an excuse to not attend on the hoof.

I hate the damn things AIBU?

OP posts:
StillDrSethHazlittMD · 07/09/2016 14:45

Velvet said "What is a STD if not an invitation?"

Well, until a few years ago it was a sexually transmitted disease. Or a subscriber trunk dialling code.

Smile
LetsJunglyJumpToIt · 07/09/2016 14:46

You're more likely to remember a save the date stuck on your fridge than an email from a year ago though.

It's really not something to stress about.

DesignedForLife · 07/09/2016 14:47

People getting married can't win it seems. Invite people they get annoyed. Don't invite people they get annoyed. Give people notice they get narked. Don't give people notice they get huffy.

Just politely decline and be happy that they thought to invite you. No big deal. No need for drama.

Velvetdarkness · 07/09/2016 14:47

I did think that as I typed it but was too lazy to write the whole thing.

I still think they're an invitation by another name.

FlyingElbows · 07/09/2016 14:54

I'm sure there was a thread before where someone got an std card and then didn't get an invite. Just chuck it out and when the invite comes decline. You're not under obligation to go to some distant random's wedding.

I too can't take STD to mean anything other than sexuality transmitted disease. An std magnet has amused me no end!

LetsJunglyJumpToIt · 07/09/2016 14:57

Yes TidyDancer's wedding thread. It was a classic!

Original poster
Cackleberry4 · 07/09/2016 15:03

I will almost certainly attend, albeit reluctantly.

Quite simply I find this new obsession with STDC's a trap that guests find themselves in where there is no 'get out of jail card' available to politely decline.

OP posts:
Mirandawest · 07/09/2016 15:08

We sent out save the date cards. We got married at the end of July and sent out the cards in October so if there were people considering booking holidays then they knew we were getting married and could make decisions accordingly. I didn't see save the date cards as a command for anyone - was their decision but we were letting them know a bit in advance.

Mirandawest · 07/09/2016 15:08

Some people politely declined coming to our wedding. This didn't bother us. If you don't want to go, then don't go.

Lorelei76 · 07/09/2016 15:10

OP i guess they are the sort who invite everyone they know and like.
I don't like Save the Date either. It feels like they are saying "don't accept any other arrangements on this date or make any plans of your own". I can see why you'd want your wedding party to know but when save the date cards get sent to all, I feel it adds to the summons feeling.

I turned one down after a save the date card saying the travel was impossible to organise without a car and too expensive, they were fine about it but it was abroad.

Lorelei76 · 07/09/2016 15:11

Don't go if you dont want to btw.

motherducker · 07/09/2016 15:16

Dear god if you don't want to go don't go! If you're not great friends with them you shouldn't mind about possibly offending them. You'll be doing them a favour by being honest.

motherducker · 07/09/2016 15:17

People getting married can't win it seems. Invite people they get annoyed. Don't invite people they get annoyed. Give people notice they get narked. Don't give people notice they get huffy.

This ^

OlennasWimple · 07/09/2016 15:19

Don't go "reluctantly"! When the invite comes, decline it graciously (no need to say why you can't attend), and send them a lovely card closer to the day.

ClockBusCanada · 07/09/2016 15:21

I think it's annoying but handy in equal measure. I just got one for next year, some really close friends are getting married on my 40th, so the initial preparations I'd made for a party (would be same group of friends anyway) and holiday (actually really quite annoying because I'd found a very very good deal in a school holiday week) can be cancelled in good time.

And yy to PPs who say every decline is money in the bank, don't worry about it.

SquidgyRedBall · 07/09/2016 15:21

We did save the date cards. No one said they are or are not coming and we didn't expect a response before the actual invites. Maybe wait until the actual invite comes through. It might just be an evening invite.

Original poster
Cackleberry4 · 07/09/2016 15:30

The couple are having a relatively intimate wedding with just 90 guests and have chosen to not invite anyone, be it family or friends, that they haven't seen for the past two years. To be invited is extremely flattering and I do feel honoured to be ranked over family.

There is no evening do as such, guests are invited for the full wedding breakfast.

I am reluctant to attend as I don't feel I know the couple well enough to outrank family but am torn they think so much of me to invite my Husband and I to attend.

Had we received the traditional 6 week prior invite we could have easily declined but I would feel rude to decline knowing I've had 13 months warning.

I do see how STDC work for some but there is also a flip side.

OP posts:
Lorelei76 · 07/09/2016 15:39

Why are you seeing it as outranking family?
Anyway, if you don't want to go, you can say nearer the time that you forgot your aunties golden wedding or that you booked a holiday. It doesn't have rsvp does it?

motherducker · 07/09/2016 15:40

No one wants a reluctant guest at their wedding. Just decline. You're being a drama llama.

"Oh woe is me someone wants me to attend their intimate wedding they think so much of me"

motherducker · 07/09/2016 15:41

How do you know so much about the wedding if you're not that close with them? Is it on the save-the-date??

SquidgyRedBall · 07/09/2016 15:47

Our parents requested certain people are invited and we invited them as our parents paid for the wedding. It did mean that certain people couldn't come. Maybe the couple would be relieved you declined as it could mean others closer to them (as opposed to their family) can be invited.

Could it be that they are inviting you as you are friends with the parents?

LagunaBubbles · 07/09/2016 15:48

Does anyone remember the thread where the poster received a STD card, so naturally assumed she would be invited to her friends wedding on this date....only not to receive an invite but be expected to decorate the hall?

BarbarianMum · 07/09/2016 15:53

Just decline politely and promptly when the invitation arrives. It really is that simple. Not knowing them well makes it simpler, not more complicated!

RJnomore1 · 07/09/2016 15:53

I need to know more about the flip flop.'
Was it a lone flip flop?
Was it one of a save the date pair of flip flops? Date on one, month on the other?
Was it part of a bigger theme? (Carnival, beach wedding, wedding abroad?

Were you supposed to wear it on the day? If so did it fit?

And most importantly of all was it a wedding from Don't Tell The Bride?

Rubies12345 · 07/09/2016 16:00

Does anyone remember the thread where the poster received a STD card, so naturally assumed she would be invited to her friends wedding on this date....only not to receive an invite but be expected to decorate the hall?

Gluezilla? Yeah I think she gave an update that they're still not friends

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