AIBU to keep maintenance for my DC and not put it in my "stepfamily" pot?

[iloveberries]

Ex left 4 yrs ago and has paid maintenance regularly and on time. I have always saved the maintenance as I work and don't need it to cover DC living expenses. My plan is to give to DC when older for deposit on house / uni / car unless I need it to support DC (eg. Redundancy / illness or similar)

Been with DP 2 yrs and are currently buying a house together. We will both be putting our earnings into "our" pot. However I feel that I should continue to save the maintenance for my DC into his account for the future but DP thinks it should come into "our" pot as we are sharing all our other income.

I have 1 DC and he has 2. They live with their mum and he pays maintenance accordingly. We know she doesn't need it for their living expenses but obviously don't know whether she saves that for them.

We will have bedrooms for all children in our new house and have his children here a lot so we will both contribute to upkeep for his 2 and my 1.

We never argue about money but this maintenance has become an issue. AIBU to want to keep saving it for my DC?

It makes sense now. He thought his step brother having more opportunities was unfair and will project this on his kids as well. What your Ex pays is for your son alone. NO WAY should you share it. Saving for your current child is yours and your DP's responsibility. He is going to emotionally blackmail you into paying into the family pot and share it with the other kids. Please don't. You are doing the right thing.

Another question in this scenario:

1. Would 'x' be greater than, less than, or equal to the amount of maintenance you receive?

I think keep it more seperate me and OH have a joint account which we pay in monthly just over what we spend each month jointly ie all food, bills, meals out together etc, then we both have our own accounts for independent things, we do have joint savings too that we both equally pay into as we're saving for a deposit, anything left in our own accounts we can do what we like with. So as long as you both pay in enough to cover joint things, he can pay his maintence out of his own account and you can pay whatever you want into your childs savings.

You are a family. All 5 of you, soon to be 6, are one family.
Nothing will ever be perfectly fair - whether it is one partner earning more, one doing more round the house, one who has elderly parents who require more support, a child who has greater needs or a talent that requires money to develop. It's never, ever going to work out so everybody gets equal money, time or attention. That's just life.
Chuck it all in one pot. Make sure that all 4 of your kids needs are met. And get on with living a happy life.

Jacking in FT work when you are an unmarried partner is foolish in the extreme.

'However I do all housework, cleaning and general parent prep stuff for all the children so we have always agreed to have a 50/50 stance'

That's not 50/50.

He's taking the piss. Don't buy a house with him and don't jack in your job to go PT. Very, very, very unwise move.

You can make all the children in the household the same. I don't see why epople keep saying that . They don't have the same parents .

I have savings accounts for my children. Shoudl I save the same amount for my step daughter as well ?

My step daughter will eventually inherit a good sum from her grandparents - her mother is their only child and she has no siblings. should I insist that she shares that money with her half siblings so it's "fair" and all the children in the household are treated the same ?

Of course not, it's nothing to do with them. It's just her good fortune that her Gp are well off and she inherits everyhthing from her mother.

In this case, the children are not even step siblings, they are kids whose parents cohabit . You can't make their lives identical .

AlwaysChanging

That only works within a marriage, not co-habiting couples with children. The risk to separate children is too high and their needs need to be safeguarded.

GingerbreadGingerbread - OP has said that she views this as a long term thing and is planning to get married to her DP in the future.

AlwaysChanging

OP said she thinks they "probably will" get married in the future. No date set, not even a ring.

It's a co-habitant couple who have known each other for two years. That's not enough to compromise the security of a child.

As a PP said step children all end up with different amounts as they have different parents. At this stage the OP should definitely not be dishing out savings to her boyfriend's kids when she has already said he spends more than she does and she doesn't know what provisions their mother has made for them. It's not her problem, and it certainly isn't her son's problem.

I agree with what gingerbread says & in a far more eloquent way than I ever could.

Less than 2 years & thinking that is a huge gamble

And having read this thread I now understand why so many women and children are financially fucked on a break up.

It's all fine and dandy saying "please take my childs money whilst I more than financially cover mine and the children's expenses because I don't want to be seen as a scrounger or being unfair" but when you have no protection at all people need to consider it is their own kids they are putting at risk

And yet they are still a family with a baby on the way.

AlwaysChanging

Yes so that child needs to be taken care of but let's not pretend the OP is secure as she absolutely is not.

Always

I'm planning on shagging Jason Statham and Vin Diesal at the same time preferably whilst they are covered in moter oil and on my dining table.

Just to make sure I don't get to upset I'm not going to consider it a slam dunk until I'm on my back on the table with my legs resting on Jasons shoulders.

I find life is far less disappointing that way.

Nobody is ever secure. You can make it a bit better by getting married, but not much. If your DP/DH sets out to screw you over financially, the chances are that they will get away with it married or not, because you won't be looking for it or expecting it.
You can't share a home and blend families with someone and think that it won't have an impact on your financial situation. Of course it will.

NeedsAsockamnesty - not sure what your point is, but go for it!

You are choosing to save for your son, out of your own money.

His father has paid on time every month. The fact that you cover expenses out of your wages is immaterial. The money has been there every month for you to use as you see fit. You are the RP, that is your right. Where that money comes from initially is irrelevant.

I would view it as the expenses are covered by ex, it is your money that is being saved, not the maintenance. If you choose to do that for the baby, then that's up to you.

In terms of disposable cash each month, who has more? If he wants to save for his children then he can, if you choose to then fine. The fact that you choose to save, and he spends is his problem. If you both have disposable income after expenses, then saving for your children can come from there. I think it comes from budgeting.

If you can say for example 'I took sandwiches instead of buying lunch and saved the difference for DS' then that's fair enough. If he wanted to, he could do the same, he CHOOSES not to, then wants your pot. When he has disposable cash. What could he trade for example for savings? Does he have a hobby, or spend money on things like smoking, drinking, going out? If you are making sacrifices to save, then he should, if he is demanding equality. It seems to me he is demanding what he deems as equality, not what would actually be fair.

AlwaysChanging

So no one can be watertight. But don't be deliberately financially irresponsible surely? As a parent your first duty is to protect your children, not to subsidise your boyfriend's extravagant spending. Go 50/50 on expenses and the provide for your children. A boyfriend's children don't come into it.

Why are you doing 100% of the skivvy work for his children?

And now he wants your son's money as well?

Fucking hell, why on earty have you put yoyr son at the mercy of such sn exploitative man?

Maybe he could live with his Dad and not be fucked over ny this grasping man and his progeny.

YANBU.

In your situation, I'd be writing down all the household expenditure and what is reasonable to count as joint expenses vs personal expenses e.g. mortgage/council tax etc are joint but your own cars might be personal, phone bills could be personal. Decide whether children's expenses should be joint or personal (new baby being joint). I don't see the point in working out what the proportion of housing costs belong to each child because they don't bring in an income, and you'd have to pay the same council tax etc when they're not there too.

Once I'd done that -
Joint expenditure - Split 50/50.
Whatever you have left from paying your 50% goes on your personal expenses, including putting money away for your DS and your joint DC - it's up to your DP if he wants to do the same for his and your joint DC. His maintenance to his ex counts as personal expenditure.

It's not perfect - perfection is practically impossible in step situations - but it's what I'd do.

Your ex could be giving you thousands of pounds a month. Whatever your ex earns and gives you in maintenance is for his children with you. He's providing for his child, not any other children in the household.

This is just so complicated I really can't see how it will all work out with everything being joint.

Could you not have your bank account and his bank account then joint account. Work out how much it costs to run house,bills,food everything apart from treats days out and you both pay an equal share into the joint account to cover this. Then the money you have is yours to do as you please for your DS and he pays for his DC then he either pays you x amount for the new baby. Treats, days out etc could then be covered by both of you from your private accounts either equally or treating each other etc.
I know it's not ideal but it just sounds so very complicated otherwise.

I hope you work something out OP but I think you should tread a little carefully as some of what you have posted does make it sound like he is being a bit cheeky!

Just come out of a meeting. Am freaking out now about it all! Keeping everything would have been fine but the baby makes things more complex as obviously my earnings drop.

cafe - re: house we have agreed to pay mortgage 50/50 and upon death / separation have back the %age based on what we contributed to deposit.
We have agreed for eachother to carry on living in house and dead ones share goes into trust for their kids. Does that make sense? Does that sound fair?

george that's exactly as we do now and if I weren't having the baby we would continue that.

Plus until now we haven't had joint mortgage