AIBU to keep maintenance for my DC and not put it in my "stepfamily" pot?

[iloveberries]

Ex left 4 yrs ago and has paid maintenance regularly and on time. I have always saved the maintenance as I work and don't need it to cover DC living expenses. My plan is to give to DC when older for deposit on house / uni / car unless I need it to support DC (eg. Redundancy / illness or similar)

Been with DP 2 yrs and are currently buying a house together. We will both be putting our earnings into "our" pot. However I feel that I should continue to save the maintenance for my DC into his account for the future but DP thinks it should come into "our" pot as we are sharing all our other income.

I have 1 DC and he has 2. They live with their mum and he pays maintenance accordingly. We know she doesn't need it for their living expenses but obviously don't know whether she saves that for them.

We will have bedrooms for all children in our new house and have his children here a lot so we will both contribute to upkeep for his 2 and my 1.

We never argue about money but this maintenance has become an issue. AIBU to want to keep saving it for my DC?

Sprink

I get it, but with what he is suggesting it made me so angry on OP's behalf I couldn't bring myself to! I suppose I also wanted to highlight that no matter how good intentions are it's often valuable to remember that relationships can be temporary, unlike parental responsibilities, and decisions should be made with that in mind.

I think having a family - which is surely want you want to be not two separate families with one child in common - then savings should be the same for every child. To have different levels of money put away each Month just doesn't sit right to me.

cafe I can fully see where you are coming from. It just seems that in this case drawing a fresh line and stating the savings side as new as a family will possibly work better than trying to figure how to split what has already been saved.

I think one thing you have over looked is that you are assuming your ExHs maintenance is guaranteed. What if he has an accident or becomes ill and stops working? What if he is made redundant? What if he has more children and it reduces? What if he dies?

I think you need to keep saving it in case this does happen, or you become ill, or made redundant as it seems unlikely to me that your DP will be happy to support your DS.

Have you thought onto university? I'm assuming that the student finance system will be broadly the same as it is now, so in that case your DPs income will be considered as household income for grant purposes etc. Will he be happy to support your DS through university, as I believe that if his income is considered, he should? If not then the savings could support DS through university if your DP refuses.

As mentioned upthread, your pension contributions do need to be increased out of the joint pot, if your hours and income reduces due to having his baby. At least until you are married and have a claim on his.

It isn't romantic, but you need to be practical about these things. Women always come off worse in these type of situations.

FWIW - I think what your ex pays towards your DC is none of his business, the same as what he pays to his is none of yours. Your ex could stop paying anything and as long as you can support your DS it is not as if you are asking him to. He is getting the better deal here. His living expenses are lower living with you, he has you to help and support him with his kids, share the expenses of his kids when they are there, cook, clean for and entertain his kids - he wouldn't have that as a single man.

If this is causing trouble now - it doesn't look good.

If you are buying a house together, have you discussed inheritance and wills. How would the house be spilt when you both pass on? If anything happened to you, how would you share for your DS be protected (as in trust etc), he could get re married and then DS gets nothing. In short how much do you trust him to do right by DS as if he is after his money now, I'm getting an uneasy feeling.

But sirzy don't you think that then my DS gets a raw deal if DP's ex has splurged instead of saved?

And that the new baby gets a raw deal if the other parents have saved and so they all have two pots and new baby has one?

unleashing - yes we have seen solicitors and discussed both wills and house so it will all be water tight

But you are a family so it should be fair. Or it's ok for your step children to get a raw deal.

In each household all children should be treated fairly. You can't control what happens with the parents out of the household, you can control the fairness in yours.

He doesn't even have as much saved as you! So if he did you could claim a percentage of it for your child. But he's "more of a spender" so by you being frugal and going without you have been in a great position of being able to save to give a cash sum to his two kids you didn't even know 24 months ago. Sod your son, be FAIR OP!

Madness.

But can't you see - it IS needed for his maintenance. He's not free to run 😁That's money you are holding back from YOUR WAGES.

How does the amount you get in mtce & DP pays in mtce compare?

How do you think you'll feel when the children all hit their 20's if you were to be able to say to DS 'Here son, here's a deposit for a house that I've saved for you. Sorry DSC1, DSC2 & JDC we couldn't afford to save as much for you lot. But JDC we saved this extra for you. DSC1&2 - best ask mum if she's got any for you'

sirzy what can you mean by the step kids getting raw deal?! They benefit from the maintenance he pays their mum, same as OPs ds should benefit from the maintenance paid to his mum. Bloody irrelevant what the mothers use it for. This guy is absolutely taking the piss.

The maintainance goes towards day to day living costs. It's not savings.

You seem to believe it is fine to save considerably more for one child from the family over the rest yet are crying about it being unfair on him. All children in the same family should be treated equally.

It's not your money.

Open an account in your children's names and put it in there.

What did you agree on re inheritance of the house?

Sirzy

But OP doesn't sponge off others to pay for her child she pays for him. The maintenance is additional money that's saved she knows her child doesn't "live for free". Her partner could have saved money for his children but he's "more of a spender" and "spends an extortionate amount on food". Different people choose to use their money in different ways.

However said partner now has his eye on OP's pot and for whatever reason believes his children are entitled to a share, lol.

Tell him to start saving OP.

FRET

What are you on about?

The money is most definitely the OP's money saved out of her wages.

But if he op carrys on insisting on putting away a large amount of money each month for one child but not the other 3 then yes that is sponging. It is taking money away from the family pot for one child.

They are either a family who are going to live together or they are two separate families in which case perhaps buying a house isn't a good idea.

The only person wanting to treat one child unfairly is the OP

So already you aren't pooling all your money. You are keeping finances separate. Just take that further then.

You pay in a set amount into a joint account to cover all household bills and costs for the joint baby, childcare etc. There are two of his kids but your one stays for longer so that balances out. Joint days out meals, perhaps even holidays, etc are from the joint account. The rest you you keep to spend yourself. He pays maintenance and if he can, he saves for all of his children including the new one, you save for both your son and the joint child.

Where it gets really tricky is when your earnings are reduced. Presumably you will get basic maternity pay and any difference can be split between you but then to keep the status quo you will have to go back to work full time asap (sharing the childcare costs) or continue to pay the shortfall of your part time working (possibly from your ds's maintenance) so you both contribute equally to the joint family expenses again. Otherwise he is subsidising your part time working which isn't fair given you don't want to contribute more now, when you can.

Or you negotiate something different, but we can't tell you what as there are couples negotiating different things everywhere that seem fair or unfair to different people, as can be seen by this thread.

certainly see it as money he gave them not money you gave them. Meanwhile, you paid for everything their whole lives and they get presented with a lump sum they'll thank him for!

No they won't certainly see it like that,

I know two RP's whose ex refused to pay CM instead paying into savings when they finally paid it to the child (during adulthood) both receivers thanked their RP and when questioned why by the NRP very clearly said that was money you deprived my mother of having during my upbringing this makes it a gift from her not you.

I don't think she wants to be unfair, I just think she needs to see this saved money as HERS. She has SPENT the maintenance on food, shoes, clothing etc. I think she's scared of letting her DS down, but isn't sure how to both protect him and be fair going forward. The thing is, it's not money FOR DS, that's been spent already, but she's so used to thinking about it that way it's hard to change

Another big consideration is who pays for school trips, school uniforms, music lessons, swimming lessons etc. If SDC's Mum pays for them for her two, then it's not coming out of the joint account whereas if you're paying for DS yours will be - so his maintenance & your DS's extra expenses both coming out of the joint account seems ok.

You both have points that can be argued to be justified, from your point especially now with a joint DC to consider I cannot see any other way than openly separate finances. You cannot have equality. His DCs will eventually understand financial difference between themselves and step brother as that has come from you but the new DC savings will rightly or wrongly be seen as coming jointly from DP, and the only way you can give equality to your DCs is to share DS1 savings as joint DC like some of us see DS1 savings as coming from you and not DS1 father.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here (as exemplified by the diverse replies!). It's a question of what you both feel comfortable with and trying to find a compromise. My instinct is to agree with you, but to think that the complication has come about because you have agreed a joint family pot in the first place.

Your DP's children have two parents supporting and potentially saving for them. Your DC appears effectively only to have one (you, since you receive his maintenance).

Are you sure you want to pool resources other than your DC's maintenance? It can be very difficult when stepchildren are involved. Might you be better off keeping your (and your DC's) financial independence to some extent and just agreeing a set amount with your DP that you each contribute to household expenses? Then you can each keep whatever is left over from your earnings / DC's maintenance, and do with it whatever you wish.

Personally I think the choice is either to have a fully blended family where all children are treated equally or to accept that you want to treat your DC differently and protect him financially. I don't think there is anything wrong with the latter, and it seems in some ways that your DP (and his ex) take that approach to their children.

Cafe I think you are right. They are not pooling money. The paperwork for the house proves that. The precedent has been set. The op is trying to justify it to herself as she feels guilty, but basically she wants to protect her money and future extra money (savings for her son) which is understandable. But lets not dress it up op. Your income in real terms is higher than your DP's. You want to keep that extra money. Nothing wrong with that. You just have to convey that to your DP.

my suggestion was that we save out of our joint pot:

X for his DC1
X for his DC2
XX for our joint DC
X for my DC

I would keep DS maintenance aside and if we needed it for his living it's there - if not it's saved for him.

DP would pay out maintenance for his DC.

Could you clarify, in this scenario:

1. Does your son's maintenance go into the joint pot?

1. Does your partner's whole (pre-maintenance payment) income go into the joint pot?

1. Is the maintenance you would keep aside for your son in addition to the 'x for my DC' that would be coming out of the joint pot?

I would continue to save for your ds through his CM . Then put x into sc1 sc2 and dc2 account. Then l would even out the money between your dc1 and dc2 when they are old enough.