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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to keep maintenance for my DC and not put it in my "stepfamily" pot?

382 replies

iloveberries · 07/09/2016 10:12

Ex left 4 yrs ago and has paid maintenance regularly and on time. I have always saved the maintenance as I work and don't need it to cover DC living expenses. My plan is to give to DC when older for deposit on house / uni / car unless I need it to support DC (eg. Redundancy / illness or similar)

Been with DP 2 yrs and are currently buying a house together. We will both be putting our earnings into "our" pot. However I feel that I should continue to save the maintenance for my DC into his account for the future but DP thinks it should come into "our" pot as we are sharing all our other income.

I have 1 DC and he has 2. They live with their mum and he pays maintenance accordingly. We know she doesn't need it for their living expenses but obviously don't know whether she saves that for them.

We will have bedrooms for all children in our new house and have his children here a lot so we will both contribute to upkeep for his 2 and my 1.

We never argue about money but this maintenance has become an issue. AIBU to want to keep saving it for my DC?

OP posts:
DoinItFine · 07/09/2016 15:45

Why should you having a baby mean your son's maintenance should be spent on your DP's kids?

Also, please rethink cutting down your hours to facilitate his job.

Why on earth have you agreed to that?

RunningLulu · 07/09/2016 15:48

Technically your DP could rightly have insisted on taking the exes money from the start. Your DC have a dad & thus far your DP has been supporting them along with you (and taking money from his own DC to do it I presume). If he wants you to use the money for the family I think it'd be the right thing to do morally.

kirinm · 07/09/2016 15:49

Re the house - yes, it's fair. Tenants in common. Perfectly normal.

andintothefire · 07/09/2016 15:54

iloveberries - be a bit careful about that agreement re percentage ownership of the house. I don't know how much of the deposit you contributed. If it were 50% each then that is fine (because you are each paying 50% of the mortgage). However if one of you contributed 60% to the deposit, that person would be in a much better position because they have only been contributing 50% to repayments but are still entitled to 60% of any funds when the house is sold. Maybe just something to think about!

DoinItFine · 07/09/2016 16:01

Technically your DP could rightly have insisted on taking the exes money from the start.

Shock

Despite what you, and this bloke, seem to think, men can't just take women's money just because they are shagging them.

The OP has always paid her own way.

There is no sense in which her having more money than him means that he is subsidising her.

Original poster
iloveberries · 07/09/2016 16:01

andintothefire - it's me who'd "own" more of the house and therefore be in the better position. We have discussed that and agreed that because I was in the better position at the start I will be in a better position at the end (hopefully death not divorce!) we have discussed this with a solicitor and IFA too.

OP posts:
CafeCremeEtCroissant · 07/09/2016 16:04

I think the only way to do this is some joint, some separate & this is how I'd do it

Joint to cover -

Mortgage
House & contents insurance
CTax
Water
Electric/Gas
Food - but you need to both compromise here
Childcare
Holidays
All DC clothes, shoes, friends presents/parties, etc - I think that the 1/2/1 spread of kids this'll work out ok
Days/meals etc out irrespective of who attends
Joint DC presents parties
Joint DC activities
House phone/internet
TV ( unless he wants expensive package & he can pay)

Separate accounts

His maintenance
Cars (all expenses)
Petrol
Mobiles
School trips (big ones)
Own kids extra activities

Then see what's left over for each of you & aim to put x into each of 4 savings accounts for the children so you don't have to have difficult conversations when they're older.

Put existing savings into an account & see how things pan out.

Original poster
iloveberries · 07/09/2016 16:08

runninglulu - DP hasn't been supporting me and DS any more than I have been supporting him and his 2 children. Surely that must come across from the thread that we have tried to keep things as equal and fair.

why am I doing all the donkey work for his kids? Good question but its because I don't want his kids to feel inferior so if I do something for DS I will do the same for his. Eg. DS bedroom was looking tired and toys overflowing so I got some cheap new shelves, storage, put new stuff on walls and made it look really nice. Of course I would do the same for his kids rooms which means I am putting time and effort into his kids but I think it would be horrid not to tbh!

I could stop doing their washing and ironing and make him do it but he works longer hours than me so it seems fair that I do a bit more in this regard.

what about cost of clubs etc? I pay for most of DSclubs and his ex pays for most of their kids clubs. They do do a hobby when they're with us though and I've worked out that we therefore spend the same on my DC clubs/hobbies and his, so again he isn't subsidising my DC hobbies anymore than I am subsidising his.

OP posts:
GingerbreadGingerbread · 07/09/2016 16:12

OP don't think that because upon the event of a split or death you would get out what you put into the house. You're not gaining, not losing, just getting out what you put in. You're not in a "better position than him".

You have to take the house out of this and organise your other finances.

Original poster
iloveberries · 07/09/2016 16:16

gingerbread I don't - I think the house situation is fair, just highlighting as a prev poster was concerned

OP posts:
kirinm · 07/09/2016 16:17

Well, technically she would be gaining because he's paying half the bills and mortgage but will come out with less than half of the house proceeds.

Choceeclair123 · 07/09/2016 16:22

If I were you I'd do whatever your feel most happy with. I'd probably keep it aside myself. You're contributing to 2 of his children already and you inky have one. Don't do something you don't feel happy with

RunningLulu · 07/09/2016 16:43

I should have been clearer - You both pay 50-50 for everything you said, so that means you share his kids expenses and he yours. I consider that supporting - so in that context I do think moving your DS's money to the family pot is the right thing to do because presumably your DC and his could inherit an equal share of the property when you/he dies?

If its not part of the joint pot then if your DH is still contributing 50-50 and presumably more if you go on mat leave (or take reduced hours) he and his kids could be worse off if he died.

Up to you though.

Fishface77 · 07/09/2016 16:47

I have to be honest op.
I wouldn't buy with this man.
I wouldn't move in with him.
I wouldn't marry him.
I wouldn't share joint finances.
I would protect me and mine. That's your DS and your unborn baby. That might be wrong but it sounds to me like you have real and valid concerns and if that's the case then think very carefully about all of the above.

Sprink · 07/09/2016 16:53

We have agreed for eachother to carry on living in house and dead ones share goes into trust for their kids.

And then what? If you pre-decease him, when do your children get access to their share? Who would be the trustees? Would he be allowed to use the house as collateral (for whatever reason)? Would he be allowed to sell the house at any time or would he need agreement from any trustees?

I've had to deal with similar types of questions. It's a pain, but must be done. For what it's worth, in our house all money earned is our money, and all children get equal amounts into savings accounts, including my stepson. But I would never have allowed anyone access to my money unless I was married to him. Never.

SandyY2K · 07/09/2016 16:55

My worry with money going into DS name is that i have no control over it then, eg. If I lost my job or got ill I couldn't use it for DS, equally I am considering (vaguely) private school for him so may wish to use it for that.

I'm not sure how old your DS is but I opened accounts for my DCs when they were babies. In their names and I have control over the accounts. My DCs are now 14 and 16.

So you could still have money going into an account for him that you control.

I definetly do not think money from your son's father should go in any part to a child that's not his.

I'd be very angry if any maintenance I paid for my DC was going towards my Ex's step children. It's plain wrong

He should pay and save for his DC. You save for yours and you both save for the baby.

Stick to parental obligation. Your DPs kids benefit at your DSs expense with the proposal he's making.

He's having you over.

BaggyCheeks · 07/09/2016 16:59

Will he be reducing his payments to his ex to reflect that he has a child (and then two children) living with him most/all of the time - as the CMS calculator does?

Aeroflotgirl · 07/09/2016 17:04

That mai tainance is earmarked for your ds only, to help towRds his upkeep, not to subsidise your family with your new partner. Keep putting it aside for your ds.

Sprink · 07/09/2016 17:06

RunningLulu

RTFT. Sheesh.

Dogcatred · 07/09/2016 17:25

Make sure as well as having the house in tenants in common with a trust for your half for your respective children including the new joint child that you also perhaps have a cohabitation agreement as you are not married, which a solicitor draws up if you can.

I think the most important advice on this thread is that you don't reduce your hours when ou have the baby or take a lot of time off as that does not best protct your exsiting child and the new baby. If you are going to do that I would make sure you were married. Better, make your husband work fewer hours when the baby comes or take half the parental leave (which is now permitted) and ensure you don't have an unfair sexist relationship at home with you depending on him as a higher earner. Instead keep up with full time work as men disappear and they often take their money with them but if you still have your full time earnings then you can support the new baby and your son whatever happens.

SandyY2K · 07/09/2016 17:33

He wants your Ex to subsidise his DCs future /education. That wouldn't impress me much.

Trifleorbust · 07/09/2016 17:40

YABU. If for whatever reason your ex stopped paying and you stopped earning (as you are about to) you would expect your DP to fund your son's living costs. Indeed he is doing so at the moment. All money that comes in should contribute towards essential expenses for the family first, then be allocated to savings fairly after that. You are a family and I assume you mean him to act accordingly no matter what in the future, so you need to do so now.

Trifleorbust · 07/09/2016 17:42

Sorry I don't think I have quite read the whole story. Ignore me.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/09/2016 17:44

All of you who would be upset if money you paid went to your ex's stepchildren. Do you feel the same way about say them using food or light or water paid for by the ex using CM.

Not that I don't think its acceptable for the op to keep the money aside because I do, but I aldo think if she felt she needed it for ongoing expenses for the household it would also be acceptable, on that sort of line if she wants to spend it on handbags and manicures I also think that's ok providing the childs financial related needs are being met.

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 07/09/2016 17:58

Please people THINK. The money that the OP has been saving is coming out of HER wages. She is incorrectly describing this as the maintenance money her ex pays IT IS NOT. That has been used for food, bills, clothes etc. The costs of raising a child. It has NOTHING to do with her Ex.