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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to keep maintenance for my DC and not put it in my "stepfamily" pot?

382 replies

iloveberries · 07/09/2016 10:12

Ex left 4 yrs ago and has paid maintenance regularly and on time. I have always saved the maintenance as I work and don't need it to cover DC living expenses. My plan is to give to DC when older for deposit on house / uni / car unless I need it to support DC (eg. Redundancy / illness or similar)

Been with DP 2 yrs and are currently buying a house together. We will both be putting our earnings into "our" pot. However I feel that I should continue to save the maintenance for my DC into his account for the future but DP thinks it should come into "our" pot as we are sharing all our other income.

I have 1 DC and he has 2. They live with their mum and he pays maintenance accordingly. We know she doesn't need it for their living expenses but obviously don't know whether she saves that for them.

We will have bedrooms for all children in our new house and have his children here a lot so we will both contribute to upkeep for his 2 and my 1.

We never argue about money but this maintenance has become an issue. AIBU to want to keep saving it for my DC?

OP posts:
Sprink · 07/09/2016 12:21

Can we please not call him 'the new boyfriend?' They have been together two years, have a joint bank account, are buying a house, and having a child together. Clearly some financial decisions need to be ironed out (as with most relationships), but calling him 'the new boyfriend' is patronising to the OP and her partner.

MyKingdomForBrie · 07/09/2016 12:22

If that's what he thinks he needs to contribute into the family pot the same amount again that he pays out in maintenance. How can he not see that his kids would be getting all of their money from him and half of your ds money, while your ds and future DC would each get a quarter of the incoming maintenance money only.

He's being illogical and absurd.

Kr1stina · 07/09/2016 12:23

Does it help if you think of it this way - your ex gives you £500 a money for child support . You put that £500 into the joint pot to support the household where DS lives . You add £ 1,500 of your own wages .

So you are paying 50% of expenses .

You then take £500 of your own money each month and save it for your son. You are saving for him, not your ex.

When baby comes along, you open an account for him, into which you pay £250 a month and Dp pays £250 a month .

There's nothing to stop him setting up accounts for his other children and doing the same. It's his spare cash to do what he wants with .

Original poster
iloveberries · 07/09/2016 12:24

kristina your posts are very helpful.

OP posts:
DoinItFine · 07/09/2016 12:24

just did rough calculation and I think he'd need to give me around £900 per month

We what does that tell you?

Sprink · 07/09/2016 12:24

Do not get the money put isn't DS's name. It is NOT his. NOR is it his father saving for him. Everyone needs to get that out of their heads. The money his father pays, pays for bills, towards raising his son. Any savings have come directly from your wages.

Amen.

Original poster
iloveberries · 07/09/2016 12:24

Loaded comment doinit - what do you mean?

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 07/09/2016 12:26

£900 a month? Shock

Kr1stina · 07/09/2016 12:27

I don't understand why it's the OPs job to save money for her partners kids. Why doesn't his parents do that ? It sounds like they both have good jobs

dowhatnow · 07/09/2016 12:28

lets look at it another way

Dp - same salary as you minus maintenance equals a lot less than your same salary plus maintenance.

Take the word maintenance out of the equation. The end result is that your income is much higher than his. Now given that inequality do you want joint finances or do you want separate finances? That dilemma is the same one that countless couples face when moving in together.

Option one - complete joint pot. Doesn't matter what come in or goes out. Every child treated the same.
Option two - joint bills and what is left is your own to spend on your own children on maintenance/savings etc
Option three - You each put in a % of your income

At the end of the day you've got to recognise that your income is higher than his in real terms if not in salary terms.

Kr1stina · 07/09/2016 12:28

Thank you berries

kirinm · 07/09/2016 12:30

It all sounds a bit resentful and weird. I'd keep your finances separate.

I feel pretty sorry for the kids to be honest.

GingerbreadGingerbread · 07/09/2016 12:35

Sprink

At the end of the day in practical terms the OP's partner is the new boyfriend. It's more helpful to refer to their relationship in an honest way to reflect the level of protection the OP has in her relationship. Fine to share everything with a husband where you are protected, it's not fine to do so with a boyfriend especially when he has children and so do you.

SaucyJack · 07/09/2016 12:38

"their mum sends them to us on wkend in school shoes and obviously they can't wear them all weekend. Since the beginning she's refused to lack a bag for them as she's "too busy" so we just make sure they have what they need here."

This interests me.

Was she like this before you got together, or did she start it up once your partner had moved in with you and had (in her eyes) begun to support your son? Or was she always like that, and you've kept your money for your son set aside in response?

I agree calling it the maintenance from your ex is a red herring. It sounds to me as though all three of you are competing with each other to get as much out of the family pot as possible, whilst protecting your own money and your own DC's interests.

Possibly all or none or some of you are being unreasonable, but moving in together sounds like a breeding pit for resentment. Sorry.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 07/09/2016 12:40

I agree with you 100% OP. Why on earth should your ex's maintenance pay 75% towards savings for children that aren't his! So your DP is moaning your child gets saving and his doesn't as his mu is rubbish with money? Tough shit, it's a blended family, it is impossible to make things equal.

If me and DH split, I met someone else with DC, there is no way in hell the maintenance would go towards partners DC in anyway, it would be exclusively for mine and kept completely separate.

Me and DH have been together for 16 years, married for most of that and have 2 DCs, own a house. We have never had joint finances. It's all separate what we pay for. It works for us and I don't like the idea of joint finances anyway as I think it can lead to far more arguments.

I think you should do it like this:-

OP maintenance - savings
OP wage/mat pay - joint pot (if you are going to carry on doing this)
DP maintenance deducted from earnings straight away and sent to ex
DP wages that's left - joint pot

Although essentially you will be paying for 4 children some of time time, 2 of which aren't yours whilst your DP only has to pay towards 1 that isn't his.

I'd probably add up the bills and essentials up and divide 50/50 (not including the maintenance he pays out or you receive) and the rest goes into your own accounts to spend on your own child/children/yourselves. I keep a separate account where I put an amount each month to cover DCs for things like clothes, uniforms etc and some months it can build up for something bigger and then my spending money after that and bills money is just for me. If his children do an activity, then that comes out of his money after the bills are paid and vice versa.

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 07/09/2016 12:42

The money you have saved is yours. Not DS's. YOURS from YOUR wages. Your ex's maintenance gets spent, each week, on housing, food, clothing etc. It might be a matter of pride that you don't 'need' his money (and fair call) BUT DS is his responsibility too and he's contributed financially to his upbringing. Saying 'he hasn't, you've saved it' actually devalues his contribution & if you told DS that's how he has a pot of savings really doesn't do anyone any favours. He pays you because it's not 'free' to raise a child, the fact you earn good enough money to save some of your wages is irrelevant really.

There's just no way to make it fair with one child from you, two children from him & one together and two other, completely separate, parents, who may or may not be saving for the children or come into money for them in another way (lottery/inheritance) 😖

Does DP have any savings?

Is he a spender or a saver?

Whether you choose to add your lump sum savings into your joint pot is entirely up to you. How would you feel if DP had savings that he didn't want to add to the joint pot?

It does feel like you are paying twice for his children & once for DS & baby though.

Hmm. My brain is still mulling it over!

Kr1stina · 07/09/2016 12:42

Why wounds mum need to pack a bag for them ? Surely they have clothes at their dads house , it's his job to provide this .

Unless he packs a bag for them to go to their mums of course .

Original poster
iloveberries · 07/09/2016 12:52

I don't mind that they have an extra set of everything at ours and don't expect their mum to pack a bag. Was just explaining why we have to have a set of everything.

OP posts:
VodkaValiumLattePlease · 07/09/2016 12:52

As long as you contribute 50% of the household expenses (as you have said that you earn around the same) then you can do what you want with your 'excess' income. When you have your baby your going to have to decide how much each of you agree to put in and then make a savings plan for each of your children yourselves. If you can't afford to contribute to your eldest' costs then you'll have to start using some of the maintenance (as this is what it's for) That's what I would do anyways

Original poster
iloveberries · 07/09/2016 12:54

And I would always tell DS that it's money I saved for him as that is what I effectively did as I took on extra work to make sure I could save for him. It just happened that the amount I decided to aim to save was the maintenance figure as in my head it seemed to make logical sense.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 07/09/2016 12:55

How are you going to save fairly for the new baby too though?

What has already been saved by you for your Ds shouldn't be touched but looking forward you need to find a plan which works fairly for all the children in the house not just your Ds.

Sprink · 07/09/2016 12:56

Gingerbread, I do appreciate your point in terms of legalities. My objection is that 'the new boyfriend' makes him sound like some bloke she picked up down the pub a few weeks back.

Why can't we just call him her DP, like she does?

(I'm all about the semantics. Blush)

Original poster
iloveberries · 07/09/2016 12:56

Yes, DP and I both have other savings which we are planning to put down as big deposit on the house. I have more and the paperwork will reflect this.

He is more of a spender than me but is careful and doesn't splash loads of pointless cash but spends a fortune on food and having a nice car whereas I am a more frugal shopper and drive an old banger!
I would definitely say he's pretty good with money though - no debts etc

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveberries · 07/09/2016 12:58

sirzy my suggestion was that we save out of our joint pot:

X for his DC1
X for his DC2
XX for our joint DC
X for my DC

I would keep DS maintenance aside and if we needed it for his living it's there - if not it's saved for him.

DP would pay out maintenance for his DC.

OP posts:
CafeCremeEtCroissant · 07/09/2016 12:59

I disagree that the money Iloveberries has saved should be ring fenced.

She has saved that from her wages.

She is now pregnant, why is that money not for her second child's benefit too? Not to mention whether it's fair or not to 'ring fence' it from her DP & the family unit they're beginning to create.