43 and in wrong relationship but want baby

[streetlamp]

That's it really. If I leave the dream is over, if I stay will I be happy?

At the end of the day the biological urge is strong. If you try to be as fair as possible to him so that he sees his child and it doesn't mess him up financially through your calculated decision (although hopefully he will want to support his child) and you put the best interests of the child before your own, even if that means you don't get that child 100% of the time, then I think you should go for it before it's too late.

Two loving parents, even if they don't live together isn't a bad thing, if they work together as a team putting the child first. He isn't likely to turn nasty though is he?

Good luck

Genuinely not wanting to generalise, but I have found that those saying 40s is too old are those who had kids in their 20s or early 30s, and felt/feel old in their 40s. Those of us who didn't have kids til our mid 30s and early 40s (me!) DON'T feel 40 is very old. I am early 40s and have a toddler and feel that I totally keep up with the younger mothers around me, often better. And actually, the vast majority of girls I went to school with all have kids around the same age as I do.
Also those saying don't go for it were mostly lucky enough to have kids when they were younger, and don't understand not having a child.

Regarding your relationship. It's not ideal. But, if you both want a child, that child will be well-loved and provided for. I think you need to be honest with your guy, about what he is signing up for (possibly co-parenting rather than a family) and if you are both ok with that, go for it, and good luck.

To add, I had two easy pregnancies, the toll on my body is negligible; I was very fit before my first. Look after yourself now if you aren't already - gym/exercise lots, eat well (ideally whole foods plant based, very little or no processed crap) and hopefully it will happen for you.

Um, yeah, it's generalising. I'm 45. I feel old as the hills. My 7-year-old son has autism. I didn't feel old at 40, but the OP isn't 40, she's 43.

It's lovely to say love conquers all, anecdotes about popping out several healthy children in the mid-40s, but the fact is that it is rare and the chances of miscarriage and/or a child with chromosomal abnormalities is far greater and the chance of conceiving far decreased.

It appears the OP had already made up her mind before even starting this thread, and I wish her the best of luck.

Streetlamp First of all having a healthy baby can happen in your 40's. I had my first baby at 42 and I'm just about to have my second at 43. Second baby was a complete surprise and the result of having a babysitter for an evening! (yes I do mean we literally did the deed once that month and bingo!). My advice would be if having a child is something you really desire then go for it. Having a baby tests the strongest of relationships so even if you have what you perceive to be a 'perfect' relationship before baby you may find your partner or husband is 'different' once you have a baby.

I have friends in relationships built on all manner of foundations. One friend at 36 is on her third marriage and definitely marries for money each time. Another friend is with her second husband who she describes as 'the most loving, caring, wonderful husband' but admits she's never fancied him but her first marriage was to a man who she fancied like mad but he beat her up for 11 years. Life isn't like you see in the films you don't always end up with 'the one!'

I'm going to go against the 'a baby won't make a relationship better' line. Actually, it can.

I found myself pregnant with a newish guy, we were getting on so-so but there were some doubts, however the minute I found out I was pregnant and said I was keeping it, the relationship moved up a gear. I told him he didn't have to stay with me just for the baby, but he did want to and it suddenly got serious, quite quickly. We are now married with another child.

Thank you inshock and maggie. What you say makes a lot of sense I just don't know if I could give home the love anyone in a relationship deserves. I'm not looking for film romance just a natural spark and we just have to work very hard.

ZOMBIE thread!

It’s all about your wants. What about what’s best for a child?

You know the relationship isn’t right, you’ve not talked properly about this and after just a year of dating you can’t possibly know each other well enough to make such a huge commitment.

Of course age is a factor. Egg quality declines and are you prepared that a child could have extra needs? Can your finances take that?