43 and in wrong relationship but want baby

[streetlamp]

That's it really. If I leave the dream is over, if I stay will I be happy?

How wrong is the relationship?

Everything Wannabe said, with (warning) bells on!

So on a thread yesterday everyone was telling a single mother to a 3 year old with no job, no partner, no support, nothing... To just go ahead and have another baby because she's a 'great mum' and would 'love the baby and that's all that matters'.

OP you won't be the diet or the last woman in this situation. Hope it works out and you achieve what's want.

I would not be happy if my son was in a relationship with you and you were thinking like this. Very unfair on him.

What Wannabe said. In all likelihood, that ship has sailed.

If you do please never claim maintenance from him but also never deny him the chance to spend time with his child, DH is the innocent party in this, as well as the would be child. Neither should suffer through your selfish, but undertandable, wishes.

Can you afford to do it alone? A sperm donor is the fairer and less hassle long term. If you can't afford it without maintenance then that's so unfair to your DP

Get out now and find a better relationship!! I divorced at 41and remarried. Had our ds at 43 on the third month of ttc!! There is life and babies after a shit relationship - just get out there and find it!!

Why never claim maintainance ?
It takes two to make a baby , if you don't want to be a parent you abstain or you take responsibility for contraception.

If she's deliberately deceiving into fatherhood him knowing the relationship is never going to work, then it's ok to screw him financially as well. Great, thats's so ok!!!

Bridget Jones (baby at drop of a hat at 43) is fiction.

My father and his girlfriend had my (now 17 year old) sister when they were both older than you, OP. As far as I know they weren't even trying, and besides arriving a little earlier than planned there were no complications. But there's an anecdote for everything isn't there; statistically you're up against it.

I agree with SaucyJack that whilst there are questions that need to be answered about you current partner and lone-parenting prospects (I don't think anyone's entertaining the idea you'd stay with this man if a should baby materialise), that there are much, much worse tings you could do that try and have the baby you want with him.

He's a good kind man and sad he's not had children. He knows the risk we're taking - I'm not tricking him at all but we've not talked properly about what might happen if I do get pregnant. He's just not the love of my life and there are things he does that really irritate me. We fell together because we were lonely. We've been together a year now and there are bits of the relationship that work. I thought about sperm donor but don't think that is the easy option everyone assumes it is. Growing up not knowing where you come from is a big thing. I have friends who have done it and I respect that choice and I was exploring that option but then this relationship happened. I probably pursued it because of what I wanted, I'm not particularly proud of the situation but the desire to have a child is very strong. I would have done it much earlier if I had met the right person, I didn't.

Honestly people saying that the OP is not to late to have a baby are delusional.

Yes, for some people it happens. but for most it really doesn't. All the anigdotes about "I knew someone who had a baby at 45/46 are in the minority, and even then there are far, far greater risks of complications both during pregnancy and also there are greater risks of certain disabilities which while for me wouldn't be an issue per se are things to consider.

Plus if the OP were unable to fall pregnant she is not in a window of time to receive help conceiving. She wouldn't be eligible for IVF using her own eggs for instance because the success rate is so low.

And deciding to go it alone as a single parent at 43 has potentially greater implications than say at 25. Because by the time the OP becomes pregnant, assuming this is even possible, she will be 44/45. that means going it alone with sleepless nights, having to run after a baby/toddler while heading down the road that is the menopause with no support. And the "baby" will be leaving school just as OP is considering retirement except she won't be able to consider it because she'll have university fees etc to consider.

Really, having a baby at 44 isn't all about the "awwwww cuuuuuut baby,". It's a lifetime of bloody hard work.

But you still haven't met the right man, OP.

You're 43 now. If you get pregnant at 44 then have the baby at 45, that's a huge risk.

As wannabe says, the lovely anecdotes are few and far between.

You'd be over 60 when your child was leaving secondary school.

70 when they marry?

It doesn't happen for everyone and people have a lovely life without children.

I just think you need to consider everyone, not just yourself.

Well, your partner wants a baby, you want one so why not try for one and if you split up later so be it.

I think it's easy for people with children to say you shouldn't but I don't see why not.

The baby will be loved which is what matters.

What is it that is wrong in your relationship? I say this as someone who has had a very rocky relationship in the past but now has 2 children and is very happy with their partner.
If it's something that will be present once you have children and you are only using him to try to get pregnant then please don't - as others say there are other ways to try to get pregnant. Also I'm afraid at your age you won't be so fertile any more, using a clinic for sperm would allow you to test to see if you are fertile now.

YelloDraw is spot on, OP.

Hello, that girl was already pregnant. A very different situation. Nobody in their right mind would have encouraged her to go ahead if she was just thinking about getting pregnant.

Yello!

Talk to him properly then. If you both want a child then you can come to an agreement about access and finances should the worst happen and you split up, then it sounds a good idea for you both.

But talk honestly.

Most celebrities who have babies well into their 40s are not using their own eggs - sometimes not even their own body.

One friend of mine at 42 met a bloke and got pregnant on second date and luckily it worked out. But... I also know many, many women who have struggled to conceive from their late 30s onward, myself included. At the hospital fertility clinic it was rammed with women of a certain age.

Fertility is big business for a reason.

I also agree with everything Nospringflower says.

I'm not advocating deceiving your partner OP, but if you do want a baby just pull out all the stops to try and make it happen. The baby will definitely be loved, so - good luck!!

Hmm, I'm not saying OP's not too late, but I am saying she might not be. And if she (and her partner) want to try, knowing how hard and unlikely a positive result might be, and having weighed up all the long-term implications for everyone involved, then she is allowed to choose that. OP, you're allowed to choose to try, but if I were you I'd set a specific time-frame for trying, and say that after than time you will put this to bed and move on with your life.

Regarding the "right man" stuff, I mean it's all so subjective. I don't believe in "the one" or the love of your life and all that; I believe that whilst love is clearly important, the person you choose to be with can be the right person without "love" being at the top of the list of why you are together. But I'm not especially romantic and each to their own; just so you know, not everyone's so crazy about earth-shattering romantic love.

BUT it is also okay if you want to go out there and find what you consider a truly satisfying relationship for yourself, and let go of the idea of having children - if you decide that's the compromise you want to make. It wouldn't be selfish to choose that, if pursuing that is what you decide will give you greater satisfaction in the long-run.

I didn't actually answer the OP! I would say a bird in the hand and all that... in other words, OP, you have someone who is willing and hopefully able. Unless he is monstrous I would give it a go. You do not have time on your side so trying to find "the love of your life" or a suitable sperm donor may well leave you out of time.

It's not just about the baby being loved.

It's about the toll pregnancy and birth takes on your body. It's about the exhaustion after birth.

It's about energetic toddlers and children.

It's about having the energy to keep up.

It's about risking health issues for your child.

It's about a young person potentially having to look after an elderly parent.

It really does go beyond whether the baby will be loved or not.