43 and in wrong relationship but want baby

[streetlamp]

That's it really. If I leave the dream is over, if I stay will I be happy?

Of course there could be lots of reasons.

She has openly said she regrets having him, that she was too old.

That's just an anecdote, like the others people are posting.

Maybe I am hankering blueberry but it just feels like something is missing. I don't feel like we are each other's other half. We have become good companions though and would be better if I would let it. I just find aspects hard. He never pays for things as he is not earning much at the moment and even when he is he is just quite a tight person. Never offers first round or suggests doing anything. He says he can change but I say to home that's not possible. He can modify but no one can do a complete change and if I was the right woman for him it wouldn't irritate me as much as it does. I know I've made a mess and it's my bed. I did meet someone I fell for two years ago but he had a child and didn't want anymore. Life ain't always smooth.

Monochrome I'm not reading those comments as judgey - and I'm someone who's been trying to become an older mum for 5 years now, so I've got a dog in this race! We all age differently. Some people reach 40 with loads of energy, no aches and pains, etc, while others feel quite knackered with creaky knees. I don't think it's judgey to admit it will probably be harder to run around after a toddler if you have arthritis than if you don't. Also, 40 doesn't seem like the new 20 if you have relatives who died in their 50s; we have to think a lot about the possibility that one or both of us could become terminally ill when a potential child of ours is still a teenager, and how we would provide for them, etc. It affects how we think about antenatal testing and all sorts.

None of this means anyone shouldn't do it. Just that it's worth noting that there will be different challenges, and things it's good to think about and prepare for. Particularly if you're thinking of having a child in a relationship you feel lukewarm about. (Which again is not to say don't do it - but think about what emotional & practical support you'll need and where you will get it if not from partner).

Loads of women have healthy babies in their 40s. I'd love to think I might be one of them. But it's so important to be aware that many, many more who try, don't manage it. You literally only see the success stories: the months of failed fertility treatments, the babies you've lost - those aren't visible to other people. You can't often talk about them without being accused of being negative or macabre (as evidenced by people on this thread dismissing discussion of infertility / higher rates of miscarriage among older women as scaremongering or hand-wringing angst - like it's some sort of myth). It can seem like those in their 40s with happy healthy babies are in the majority. It's just not the case, sadly.

Again. None of this is to say don't try. Just fortify yourself for the possibility that it won't happen, or will involve difficult decisions, or invasive and immensely costly treatments, or loss and disappointment that is hard for a relationship to withstand. It's not a simple choice of leave & have no baby, or stay and have a baby.

Fertility testing is a great idea, but nobody can test for egg quality, which is the main impediment to fertility over 40. Really not meaning to be a downer here, but I'm going through all of this now and I wish that people had been franker with me at the outset about how hard it could be. I wouldn't have chosen any differently, but I would have been more prepared. It's important to hear more than just the stories with happy endings.

My thinking is that it isn't as if on your last birthday you were 25. You've been watching this take place slowly over time. Has turning 43 been a wake up call to you that 42, 41, 40 and 39 weren't? If so why is that? I mean these as genuine questions - not put downs. Reading your posts made me wonder what else having a baby or not means to you and your relationship right now. Would not having a child give you the "reason" to leave him that you've struggled to find so far? Alternatively, have your hormones kicked in such that something that wasn't particularly sought after by you is now just the thing you must do? I had that experience re babies - it was awful. Thankfully, after a really painful 2 years it passed. You say there is a tendency for late babies in your family. Have you been thinking in the back of your mind that this would be you but now find that you're still not in the right relationship?

But does he know that although you are trying for a baby, you think the relationship probably won't survive, or are you ignoring the question?

As you get older you get more set in your ways and things that you could let go in your younger days, irritate more once the rose coloured spectacles come off. Is it unrealistic to pursue a heady passion? I don't know. The guy you fell for but was unobtainable because he didn't want more children, could well have had faults that irritated you later once you became more comfortable with each other.

One persons tightness is anothers financial prudence but I think you can teach him to offer first rounds and treat you occasionally because if he loves you he will want to do small things to make you happy. So to a certain extent he can change if he wants to. Tell him actions speak louder than words.

Whatever you choose to do op, please don't trick him into thinking he is having a child in a happy relationship if you know it probably won't last the course. Of course if he knows that you may end the relationship, if you have told him how fundamentally unhappy you are, then that is a different matter altogether. Don't screw him over emotionally and financially with maintenance for a child that he wouldn't agree to if he knew that you would more than likely end the relationship soon. That's not fair.

As someone who hasn't met the right person and had much wanted children at 31. The doomdayers are really bumming me out

As someone who hasn't met the right person and had much wanted children at 31

You have oodles of time!

31 is a bit different to 43...

I thought I had oodles of time until 31.

Ill blink and be 40 and still the same.

OPs situ. is exactly where I think Ill end up.

31 is different from 43 because you have more time to find mr perfect like so many other women on MN have!

OP, I can see what you mean about something feeling like it's missing. It doesn't seem to me like you're asking for the moon on a stick or wanting to be swept off your feet. His tightness and the way he irritates you sound wearing. What a dilemma. When he says he can change, does he have an idea of what would need to change for your to feel happier? Does he know what irritates you?

Rainbow, even if you blink and are suddenly 40 (happens to the best of us) a lot can happen in that blink! Somewhere along the line you'll probably have accumulated a partner and possibly a family. And you may ask yourself, 'how did I get here?'

You want a baby-the key question is what is going on inside your body- are you making eggs, do you have reserves- is it likely you can get pregnant? If not you need donor eggs, will you go down that route?
Time is not on your side gynologically and you need testing pronto, also your partner as your egg quality and quantity are likely to be on a steep decline, so you need to know if he is firing on all cylinders so to speak.
You will then have much more information about the reality of your situation and then make a decision on whether or not your relationship is such that you want to go ahead and try.

dudsville I have wanted this since my early 30s. I had two long term relationships in my 30s but they weren't right either. I partly wish I'd played the field and had an oops but believed the right man would come along. I split painfully from one man at 38 and started seeing this man at 42. I wish I'd met the one in the interim but it didn't happen. It's hard to meet people as you get older I did the online dating thing took up endless activities and had offers but wanted to wait for what I thought would be a happy relationship. I feel very sad it didn't come my way and causing hurt is the last thing I want to do. Stuck i suppose.

I've got friends that haven't got children because they never found 'the one'. Some are happy, some aren't. I'd say more err on the side of regretting not having children. I nearly split with OH because he wasn't 'the one'. We've now got 2 children and honestly I've never been happier. Not just with my children but with OH.
Personally I don't think there is 'a one'. Relationships take work.

The other thing to consider ,OP, is the age of your partner, as sperm quality also declines with age. I had my first child at 40 and got pregnant quickly and easily. Had second at 44 and in the intervening years, I had become infertile with blocked fallopian tubes and we discovered my partner's (same one) sperm quality was very, very poor then too. We used IVF with donor eggs for second pregnancy. Older parenthood has been fine for us; we are not especially tired, I went through the menopause (I'm now 54) with two young children with no problems. We are fit and healthy. The only 'issue' is that that our second child, now aged 9, does not like having obviously older parents and feels this sets her apart from her friends....

I know someone who paid for her procedure abroad (I say procedure because I can't remember what it is called - not IVF but implantation)

She was single and 45 at the time. She now has twins. It is possible to go it alone :)

Ah, well maybe he's not a good co-parenting candidate then. Could you raise a child alone? It's a nightmare raising one with a man who looks like you're asking for one of his limbs every time you ask him to split the cost of something. trust me, with a child involved you'll start to have very colourful fantasies about burying all kinds of kitchen implements in the back of his head.

Walk away, and get cracking on doing it alone!

Sorry to bang on but you still haven't answered the question about whether he knows that the relationship is on the rocks. I assume since I've asked several times and you've avoided answering, that he thinks he's trying for a baby in a normal solid relationship with no idea that you are actually contemplating splitting up.

I had my 2nd child whilst in a crap relationship. My ds now has an amazing stepdad. I'm not advocating it but he's happy. Of course I'd rather had given him a perfect family, but if I asked him whether or not he was pleased I made that decision, I know he would be.

He's known from the start how unsure I am and how unhappy I am about the way life's turned out. He's not the sort of man to ask questions and it would be odd for me to constantly tell him when I've been giving it a go. I've never said I love him.

Ok fair enough then. Does he say I love you? Are you affectionate? If you've been giving it a go, could he be under the illusion that all is fine now, especially since you are trying for a baby?

Yes he will be hoping it all works out and I think is very fond of me. That's what makes it all so hard. I don't hate him so yes I show affection. Yes he said he loved me but I wasn't able to return it. I just thought it would be better for a child to know its father. I really don't judge the donor route. I've avoided so many relationships in the past for fear of hurting someone. Perhaps I made a wrong decision when I was very sad. I just thought if you don't give it a go you'll never know.

I wouldn't ask for maintenance and I would share custody although it would be painful it would be about the child.

Oh bless you - it's important that you are happy. Don't stay in the relationship just to keep him happy because he has told you he loves you. You need to be honest with him as it just isn't fair on either of you. It must be painful for him knowing his feelings aren't reciprocated.