43 and in wrong relationship but want baby

[streetlamp]

That's it really. If I leave the dream is over, if I stay will I be happy?

• meant conceived not concurred

If we have a child and we then split (as 43 is young IMO

Honestly, I'm not trying to be horrible but 43 is not young. It isn't. Especially not when trying for your first baby.

Do it, by all means. But be realistic.

I think that quote is referring to 43 as young to find a new relationship rather than young to have a baby isn't it?

In all honesty I'd pay to have private tests to find out what my fertility was like before continuing to attempt to have a child with someone at 43. If you need assistance then you need it quick. This will be where you find out how keen you DP is re having a child.
Raising a child that's been conceived with a donor presents very different challenges to raising one in a less than perfect relationship and neither are especially pretty but I can understand and sympathise with the drive to have a child so I'm not judging.
Just be aware that if you and your DP's relationship breaks down he may get 50/50 access. It also means having to maintain a relationship with that person for the duration.

^^This. I'm not saying categorically don't do it, but do go into it with your eyes very much open. Infertility and miscarriage can be a total headfuck, esp if the end result is never having a child.

Yes, fastdays but I assumed the poster meant that in reference to having a child with someone you love, IYSWIM.

Apologies if I misunderstood!

Would he make a good dad? Would things be friendly between you if you split up? I had my ds on my own when I was 36. I have had a lot of difficult situations to deal with on my own, ds has a disability, I got made redundant. It has not been easy doing it all on my own but having relationship problems as well would have made things a lot harder. My family is very small and I worry what will happen to ds in the future because he has no brothers or sisters. But I wouldn't be without my ds. I love him so much. Does your partner want a child?

Well, wait, you'd both like children but you know the relationship won't last? Then why not take the pragmatic decision to co-parent? At least talk about it.

Both of you could miss out on being parents by splitting now (not saying you will but obviously you could). You could organize living situations and finances and childcare options now with cool heads. Talk about how you'd feel about issues like new partners, and holidays, and both seeing the milestones if possible. It would be a much smoother start for your child than many face!

In all honesty I'd pay to have private tests to find out what my fertility was like before continuing to attempt to have a child with someone at 43.

This. You do not have time to piss about on the NHS if anything goes wrong, and you won't qualify for IVF anyway - go private, get all the FSH/follicluar reserve type tests done and I'd ask them to do recurrent miscarriage screening while they're at it (they check for chromosomal abnormalities and things like blood clotting issues and other things) - if you want PM me and I'll give you the details of the clinic where we had testing done.

TBH I think if you have a child your partner's most attractive feature will be his willingness to pull his weight as regards childcare and housework. (Sorry DH, but you're never more attractive than when you're saying "don't worry, I'll get the girls' breakfast on!) How is he - is he a patient person? Does he do all that "I don't really see the mess, that's why you end up cleaning before me" bullshit? I think that will determine your happiness together in the next 5 years far more than if he sets your heart racing.

Also, and this is to all the over 40s - are you all not totally knackered with small children? I had my kids (twins) at 36, I'm now 40, and I feel like I will be exhausted for the rest of my life. It's just a constant state of being. I used to think that once the baby/toddler years were over it'd get better, or certainly once they went to nursery (as I'm a SAHM) - but no, I'm still knackered. I feel like I got old at some point in the last 4 years and just didn't notice because I thought it was the kids.

Your age is irrelevant. The state of your relationship & the deceit you are practicing is central to this.

By having a child you are creating a family, a unit that needs to function effectively for the sake of all the members of that unit, yourself included.

Men deserve to be fully signed up to the decison to have a child, yes accidents happen, but this isn't the case here. 'He knows the risk he is taking' isn't good enough. Parenting is hard, expensive & life changing.....what gives you the right to make that decision for him? If it's what you want, then act like a grown up & tell him.

Thanks everyone. A lot for me to think about. I really don't think I'm making a decision for him mrsclarkson. He knows we're having unprotected sex and that I would like to have a baby so he is fully aware of the situation. I'm realising reading some of this that I am more fond of him than perhaps I realise. I think that's familiarity though.

You need to get going with checks first regardless of what you then choose to do.
I think you should go for it but keep a realistic grip on reality - there's proven scientific research out there, so be wary of all the 'my neighbour's cousin's aunt got pregnant just from her dp looking at her' stories.

why not try for one and if you split up later so be it.

This is appalling advice.

OP, If you want to have a baby either make sure you're in the right relationship or go it alone.
A relationship that is only a year old and you find irratating will implode under the pressure of a baby.

My best friends parents should have split but stayed toget her because of their kids (they have outright said this) and it ruined my best friend and her sister. They both have very negative views on relationships and significant commitment problems.

My Mum left my Dad when I was very young and their poor relationship as i was growing up iss most likely the cause of some significant mental health problems on my behalf.

Whilst it is possible to raise a healthy, balanced child on a broken relationship the odds are significantly against you.
Why go in knowing that this is a distinct possibility?

Yes, shit happens, but you need to be in a happy place before bringing a baby in.

Better to be bought up in a happy, single parent unit with no drama, arguments, confusion than within a "wrong" relationship founded on loneliness.

OP I am the same age as you and in a relationship which I feel is good and strong. I saw a gynaecologist yesterday in relation to a minor gynae matter - we are ttc and I am well aware of the statistical probabilities and the risks. You would have to be stupid not to be. I was examined and the consultant told me everything is normal and healthy, I'm in good health and to go for it.

Maybe we'll have a baby, maybe we won't, but I sure as hell know we'll regret it if we haven't tried.

As for a child having to look after older parents - if you are not a baby boomer that could easily be the reality anyway. Many of us will be working well into our 60s with life expectancy of 80+. What was considered old when I was a child is just not these days. I find some of the comments about having the energy as an older parent just offensive. We have so much to offer thanks to our shared life experience and we are financially stable will plans in place to clear most of our mortgage in the next ten years.

We just happened to meet in our late 30s rather than our 20s.

He knows we're having unprotected sex and that I would like to have a baby so he is fully aware of the situation.

Yes, but is he aware that you think there is a good chance that the relationship probably won't last. That is the key as to whether you are being deceitful or not.

Blimey, can't believe all the judgy pants about being an older parent...

If you're going to go ahead, start taking COQ10, it improves egg quality, take I think it's double the dose on the packet. (Google that). Was recommended to me by my obgyn and a fertility specialist. I'm 11weeks and am due just after my 44th. Also had a baby at 41. Ironically I'd Just been to talk to the specialist about my options and got pregnant the following month naturally. Saved us $30k!

It's not about being judgey. Facts are facts.

And along with the success stories, there are failures.

Not only that but in the case of a mum friend I know, who is early 50s with a just gone 8 yr old, she has struggled tremendously.

So much so that school got SW involved last year as they are not coping.

They weren't expecting the huge change and the culture shock, according to her.

Child is out of control and they are beyond exhausted.

Obviously that's one person and one story.

My point is, it's not all rosey in the garden!

I agree with Nospringflower ...

Well, your partner wants a baby, you want one so why not try for one and if you split up later so be it. I think it's easy for people with children to say you shouldn't but I don't see why not. The baby will be loved which is what matters.

That makes sense to me. Try like mad for six months and then review the situation if you don't conceive. You will regret it if you don't.

Sequel I'm a 'bit older' parent and cope just fine thank you - dare I say, better than some of the 'younger' ones. I'm not arguing with biological and other scientific facts, just the assumptions that posters here are making.

My best friend had a baby at 43. That was 13 years ago and they're both doing great.

So much so that school got SW involved last year as they are not coping.

Come on. Surely someone who struggles so much in their 50s with an 8 year old wouldn't have done so well in their 20s,

Oops. Posted too soon.

30s or 40s.

This seems pretty obvious.

I had my first baby at 43 and my second at 47. I would have preferred to have had them earlier but things didn't work out that way. I am now 52 with a 9 year old and a 5 year old. Yes, I get tired sometimes but I think all parents do. The story above about the mum in her 50s who apparently couldn't cope with an 8 year old is more to do with the mum Waltermittythesequel than her age, in my opinion. Like monochromecat I also object to some of the ageist opinions appearing above!

OP, you seem to be hankering after some kind of ideal relationship. I'm not sure very many people actually ever find these in real life. I think you need to ask yourself if you would be happy to stay with your OH and if you think he would make a good dad. And also if he would be able to support you through what might (but also might not) be a difficult process of ttc and how he would be if you ended up with a child with special needs. (I think this is a question every potential mum needs to think about but more so when you are older.) If you are not sure that the answers to these questions are "yes", then you need to make some decisions and soon...