43 and in wrong relationship but want baby

[streetlamp]

That's it really. If I leave the dream is over, if I stay will I be happy?

"Talk to him properly then. If you both want a child then you can come to an agreement about access and finances should the worst happen and you split up, then it sounds a good idea for you both." oh yeah, because the access/finance that is agreed at the time a couple splits will remain so for the duration. Except that when new partners, other children etc come into the equation things will change.

If the partner wants a baby he would be better off seeking a relationship with someone who is still in a position to be likely to have one. As harsh as that sounds. The OP admits that this man is not the love of her life. Planning to have a baby with someone she doesn't plan to stay with based on some fantasy arrangement of shared access and finance when they split up is misguided at best, madness at worst.

"The baby will be loved which is what matters." oh yeah, as long as the baby is loved. Doesn't matter that the baby will potentially be passed from pillar to post as both partners find their way in the world post split. With new step parents, potential step siblings and even half siblings on the part of the dad, and all that that entails.

Sometimes I wonder what planet some people live on where love seems to conquer all without any consideration for the fact this is another human being whose life is not being considered here even before it's created.

If this was an existing pregnancy this would be different. But planning to have a baby in such an uncertain future is both irresponsible and crazy.

Op there will always be exceptions where some women in their 40s are able to conceive. However I'm sure you know that these are exceptions and that the reality is that by your age it is very much more difficult to both conceive and maintain a pregnancy. By early 40s around 90% of your eggs are chromosomally abnormal - hence the risk of miscarriage also increases markedly, if indeed conception occurs.

Putting all of these figures aside (of course it varies greatly from woman to woman) if it's a bad relationship, why would you consider bringing a child into it? Even strong relationships become strained after having a baby. I think you need to respect yourself first and foremost and get out of the relationship - for yourself. I'm sorry but you need to look at the situation, as well as your chances, realistically. I'm very sorry though.

Thank you to Yello capricorn Nospring and rhoda and others for seeing the better side of the situation and to everyone for all the comments, it is useful to see it from all sides. I wish it wasn't like this and it makes me very sad, my parents had a lovely relationship and I wanted the same - a friend I see eye to eye with and makes me laugh. I settled into this relationship because of what I wanted. If I was in my 20s I know we wouldn't be together. I don't really buy into all the being too old if it happens - I know the chance is lower but being older when a child leaves university etc is neither here nor there in my opinion - my mother had me at 40 and there's history of late motherhood in the family and none of those relationships faltered because of it. It might not be ideal, but people often say there is never a right time to have a child.

My experience is I know of so many healthy, happy people born to mothers over 40 that I would definitely advocate trying if that's what you want, OP.

Also OP in my great grandparents day - 100 plus years ago its also worth remembering that families were typically very large and women had babies right up until the menopause - so having babies over 40 is by no means a 'new thing'

On behalf of 'elderly prima gravidas' everywhere…I was lucky enough to have my DD at 43 with lovely (younger) DP. I just hadn't met the right person before. Just saying its not impossible to conceive later on, even without IVF etc. Be positive. Sort out the relationship & quickly. Sort out what's important to you and what's realistic given your finances/work/support network. Single parents do cope. its not all doom and gloom. and don't worry so much about being older.

A baby will strain any relationship - especially a bad one. it will put you under huge pressure. Not a good idea. A baby will not keep you together.

Why don't you leave your partner if you're not happy, then perhaps see about adopting?

Thanks Capricorn - I think that often gets overlooked in the debates about mothers over 40. One stat I've heard is that in the 1920s the average age for women to have last child was 42 which meant there were a lot of much older women having them too. It's the relationship that saddens me the most. I just wish I could fall in love with him as I know he wants to make it work, but it doesn't work like that. I should have been braver and held out but then friends all tell me, if you want something (i.e. a family) you have to try relationships. I really don't want to hurt people, it's not me and I do feel like I've slightly lost hold of who I am by getting into this relationship ultimately for selfish reasons.

Street lamp it's what you say about the relationship that springs out the most at me. You know he is not right. I hate that feeling! Why not broach it with him? You could a) carry on trying with him as co parents b) split and see about donor sperm.....

I think though that these women were generally not having a first baby in their 40s. Plus an awful lot of 40+ pregnancies end in miscarriage (a natural way for the body to reject an abnormal foetus from possibly a poor egg), which is very sad whatever the case but so much worse for the mother if it's a first child and possibly last chance.

You've clearly thought through the implications of having a child at 44/45 and decided its worth the risk, so I'm not really sure why you're on here really. You want a baby, you're with a man who wants a baby, so I suggest you get on with trying immediately.

There's a fairly big chance that you either won't get pregnant or will and then miscarry, but you don't have the luxury of time to go out and meet anyone else as you're literally in the last chance saloon. So you either stick with this less-than-ideal guy who you admit you wouldn't be with under any other circumstances, you end it and use a sperm donor (which you don't want to do), or you make peace with your life as it is and accept that children aren't going to be part of that. You've clearly decided on option one, so what are you waiting for?

"oh yeah, as long as the baby is loved. Doesn't matter that the baby will potentially be passed from pillar to post as both partners find their way in the world post split. With new step parents, potential step siblings and even half siblings on the part of the dad, and all that that entails."

Do you really think any of that is "bad" enough that a child would prefer not to have been born? Really? Really really really?

My older two are quite fond of their baby (half) sister as it happens.

Sorry if you've had experiences to warrant your bitterness.

One other thing ... I realise you're conflicted, but you don' t have time to agonise and browbeat about this. This is the guy you're with right now. This is almost certainly your last chance to have a baby (whichever way you gaze hopefully at the statistics). To be blunt - shit, or get off the pot. This the potential father of your baby. Either mate with him and hope for the best, or lose the slim chance that exists to have a baby.

In our small workforce of four. Three of us had babies over 40. Two were accidents aged 42 and 45 and my ds3 was born when I was 42 following 2 miscarriages. All these children are NT. I have two children with SN's and they were born when I was 31 & 33. It's always a bit of a lottery and yes, the chances of problems get higher the older you get but if you and your partner are both on board I would go ahead.

OP, when you start ttc, can I give a tip I would strongly recommend clean eating? No processed food - yes, be strict with yourself to maximise your chances, drink water, give up caffeinated drinks, eat fresh fruit and veg, fresh fish, prawns, nuts etc - all food, in other words that occur naturally.

You really want a baby - and when I tried the above diet I felt so much better in myself, I felt really alive. Of course, you don't have to follow my advice, but if I wanted a baby, this is what I'd do. Not the most exciting diet in the world, and of course, doesn't guarantee a baby, but hey, as they say, every little helps and this diet would improve the way you feel physically - and you would feel it would all be worth it once the baby came.

I don't think the age thing is an issue. Since this child is not yet conceived I think it has a right to be brought into this world in good faith. Either with a father who will be an important part of the family unit or as a carefully planned single parent family using a doner.

The other person with a right here is the father if you go ahead with your current partner. I am assuming he believes you love him and would have a child with you still believing he will be in a family not a broken up situation?

Finally, don't underestimate how painful coparenting with your DP might be in the event of a split. He may fight like crazy for his right to custody and this might be very upsetting for you. Maybe you would mutually agree initially to share custody but all it would take is a disagreement regarding a new partner or education or anything really to pit you against each other and lead to a world of pain for all involved, including potentially your child.

I think your best option is to decide to try for a baby using doner sperm. Then you can simply focus on your future and your child's future without interference.

I think you know that its not right to have a baby with this man but please don't buy into the "its too late" issues.

No-one on here knows you OP, how healthily you've lived, how fit you are, how much energy you'll have or how pregnancy will affect your body. Yes, your age is an important factor to consider, not just now, but how it affects the baby/child/adult in later years. Of course there are risks, but there are risks with any pregnancy, age related or otherwise.

Does your partner know how you feel about the relationship? Or does he think he's in a happy one? I think if he's blindly presuming all is well with you both then it's a bit unfair to basically be using him as a sperm donor. If you are both clear that this relationship isn't going to go the distance but agree to try for the baby you both want and co-parent however that looks later on, then fair enough. But I don't think its right not to be upfront about how you feel about him.

You also need to basically accept that you will be a single parent, if you get that far. My relationship is really happy and stable and we have coped well with having a baby overall, but there are huge changes that come with pregnancy and babies and it can shake any relationship up, especially those that weren't good in the first place.

All that said and done, in your position I would probably try and get pregnant in my partner agreed. This is probably your very last chance and for me, not having a baby at all would have been a bigger regret than having a failed relationship and ending up a single parent. That's just me though and I wouldn't do it unless both parties knew what they were getting into.

If it were me, I would go for the baby, you'll never regret trying.

My partner is not the love of my life, we fell together, he's a man child. I have no support. But being a mum is the best thing ever that I went for .

And don't underestimate how hard it might be to go through infertility and multiple miscarriages with someone you don't love. It takes a huge toll on even the strongest relationship to try and try and try for years with no success. Particularly when you've got people relentlessly assuring you that it's really not at all difficult to get pregnant at 45 because Cherie Blair and their second cousin and 4 of their workmates did - and so you have the added bonus of feeling like some broken old biological anomaly if it doesn't happen for you, when in fact you're having the experience that is statistically typical for women in your age group.

I think someone else said up thread that it is very easy to say no don't do it , when you already have children. When that biological clock goes off and mine didn't until I was 37 and in the right relationship after years and years of saying I didn't want children it went off for me big time.

Assuming the child will be very much loved, safe and provided for and knowing the man involved is also aware fully of the status quo a few questions spring to mind.

1. Am I prepared to spend money on investigating my fertility? To see if this is possible. After six months with no positive test that is what you will need to do, and you won't get help.
2. If I have multiple miscarriages will I have support from this partner? Nobody knows how devestating this is until it happens to them you need suport lots of support and you need to suport your partner as it is a loss for them too. What my stance is on abortion for abnormalities, the risk for the baby is higher.
3. If we have a child and we then split (as 43 is young IMO and not too late to find the love of your life) am I happy to be tied to this man for the rest of my life? Can I co-parent with him, will he support his child am I potentially happy to only see my child 50% of the time? And potentially spend a lot of money and years of going to court to arrange access.

Also be aware that multiple births are more common you may end up with more than one in there

These are the big questions IMO, if the answer is yes, then why not? two loving parents even if seperated is not the end of the world it really isn't and it happens a lot to people who don't go into that possibility with their eyes wide open.

Consider also that the women who actually have children at 42/43/44 may also have started trying at least a year earlier and many will have suffered miscarriages. Honestly not trying to be the harbinger of doom, but anecdotes of older motherhood tend to hamper a person's realistic and scientifically proven approach to fertility with advancing age. I don't believe in providing false hope anyway, but especially in a situation where the strength of the relationship to overcome fertility issues and possible miscarriage is already somewhat dubious. I have pcos and tried for 2.5 years to conceive ds in my late 20s/ early 30s. It damn near crushed me, as well as my relationship - what I would class as a good and mutually loving one. Incidentally I'm now pregnant with our 2nd at 37 years old - I am classed as an older mother - and fell pregnant within three months. But that was a pleasant surprise because we'd prepared ourselves mentally for a huge struggle and agreed that if it didn't happen within 2 years we'd stop.

I don't know enough about your relationship op. I do know you don't love him. How would he feel about essentially being a sperm donor? Does he know how you feel about him? If you don't love him, is your 'friendship' strong enough to overcome adversity?

I can understand the wanting a baby. I'm 43 been ttc for 10yrs and I'm finally preg via 5th ivf

I'm older then what I wanted to be. Much older then any of my friends Mother Nature didn't play ball with me in my 30's - My husband died and then almost a year on I met my now DF

Some older people have good eggs (like me) - a younger friend 31 has terrible eggs and been advised to use donor eggs

Have a fsh test to check state of eggs

Yes there are risks being an older mum. Time isn't on your side.

But no one has the right to deny you being a parent. You have a man who is happy to be a dad. You aren't tricking him

Yes you may not be together in a few years. You may be a single parent. Or you may get preg and work at being a couple

Or you may not get preg. But least you tried

I have a single friend who is 39 and using a sperm donor - she what's to be a mum so much. Failed marriage. Failed relationship afterwards

So she is going to do it alone - if she gets preg. Tho she said she has to try

I know friends who stay together for their kids even tho fallen out of love. Tho more scary to be alone

This is probably your very last chance and for me, not having a baby at all would have been a bigger regret than having a failed relationship and ending up a single parent. That's just me though and I wouldn't do it unless both parties knew what they were getting into.

This. As long as your partner is not being deceived and is aware that the relationship may not last, then together you may be able to thrash out a way forward.

All of the points pepsi makes should also be considered carefully.

Firstly I don't think you are too old to have a baby should you conceive - personally I hate the "state of the nation" type mock angst shown to any woman over 40 wanting a child. Yes it's not ideal - but so are lots of other situations such as younger parents who smoke or are overweight or generally people who don't care about their kids

Practically I would suggest getting your own ovarian reserve tested by a fertility clinic to see if it's actually possible /likely to conceive using your own eggs - I think this should be your starting point regardless of whatever option you choice

Your relationship is good but not the ideal romance you hoped for - you are 43 - perhaps the ideal is never going to happen?

I have several friends who conceived in their 40's and are great mums - I appreciate if you have been fortunate and met a great life partner early and concurred young and easily it can be hard to appreciate OP situation - but life is diverse and we all have different paths