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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS not invited to wedding

134 replies

muminmanchester · 06/09/2016 15:45

Let me start this off by saying that I am categorically NOT moaning about people having child free weddings. I had one myself and it was bloody great.

However, my cousin is getting married and hasn't invited DS. He'll be just under 1 when the wedding takes place. Fair enough - but she has invited my other cousin's three kids.

The wedding is at the other end of the country which means leaving DS for 2 nights - but everyone he knows will be at the wedding (DH's parents don't see much of him as they live miles away). I don't want to leave him with people he doesn't know for 2 nights.

Would it be unreasonable to ask if he can come? It's obvs not child free if my other cousin's kids are going. Otherwise probably either DH or myself will not go to the wedding so we can look after DS.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Hulababy · 06/09/2016 20:51

I wouldn't ask.

I would just reply, declining our invitation, explain that you do not wish (or are unable) to leave your DS for two nights and wish them well for their wedding.

It is an invitation, not a summons. They are allowed to not invite children. You are, equally, allowed to decline the invitation for whatever reason you choose.

Hopefully they will not complain if you decline. Whilst it is perfectly acceptable for a bride and groom to exclude children, they must also accept, without complaint, that means that some guests may not come to their wedding.

And if they do intend for him to come and had simply missed I'm of the invitation, or that they are now happy to have him there, they will have the opportunity to say so.

FrancisCrawford · 06/09/2016 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

weeblueberry · 06/09/2016 20:53

To be honest I'm not sure why you'd speak to the mum instead of just doing what most people have suggested which is to decline, saying why, and take your lead from her response.

Asking her mum might still seem like you're trying to get your baby invited...

WetPaint4 · 06/09/2016 20:59

She can't feel that awkward if she's prepared to leave the baby out of the wedding in the first place. It's a chat with a family member, doesn't need to be such a big deal just because she's getting married.

I do think that if it's clear the wedding is child free, that should be all there is to it. But if it's at all unclear you should be able to call your cousin and just check. I get that it depends on your relationship with your cousin though. I'm tight with mine so this wouldn't be a problem.

SabineUndine · 06/09/2016 21:05

weeblueberry Depends who the invitation is from. If it's from the bride's parents, then etiquette says you reply to them, therefore it would also strictly speaking be correct to ask them.

weeblueberry · 06/09/2016 21:10

Fair enough Sabine but then why not decline to the mum and wait to see what she says? I think it's just putting someone in a very awkward situation where they're going to have to say 'no we have not invited your child'...

RhiWrites · 07/09/2016 03:30

Now YABU. You invited people to your child free wedding and expected them to sort childcare. Now your child hasn't been invited to a wedding you're going to ask if he can come or you'll decline? That's the kind of thing people will remember.

sycamore54321 · 07/09/2016 03:47

Does the wedding couple know the other cousin's children a lot better than your baby? It may be that they are inviting them because they see them regularly, whereas your baby is just an unknown occasional presence in their lives. They are under no obligation to treat all children equally and could have any number of valid reasons for not inviting your child. By all means, if you genuinely feel there may be a mistake, ask for clarification in the least pressurising manner possible. But otherwise, either you go alone, you sort alternative childcare or it decline. If you really would like to attend, how about your husband and child make the journey with you to the wedding town, then you leave them to do their own thing while you attend the wedding and party. That way, you are not away from your son overnight and you get to celebrate the wedding.

MrsDrSpencerReid · 07/09/2016 03:56

Why can't people be clear on their invites?

My SIL had a child free wedding. I forget the exact wording but the invite said something along the lines of 'Unfortunaltey we are unable to accomodate children' or 'we regretfully inform that children are not invited' etc.

Simple!

FrancisCrawford · 07/09/2016 04:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheDowagerCuntess · 07/09/2016 04:16

Absolutely agree that you don't ask. It's rude.

When this happened to us (DH's best friend) I just did as others have suggested and apologised that I wasn't going to be able to come, as 5 month-old DD was EBF, and I couldn't leave her.

Within minutes (hang up phone, G2B checks with his bride, we're phoned back), we were excluded from the 'no children' rule. No drama, resolved easily.

waitingforsomething · 07/09/2016 04:27

Yabu. So many people asked me if they could bring their children to my wedding when I hadn't invited them. Your DS is 1 - he needs a highchair therefore he needs a space to sit. I'm really sorry but as the bride and groom it is really stressful when people put you in this position, especially if several people do it. If you cannot go because you don't want to leave your DS behind then decline the invitation for that reason.

Becky546 · 07/09/2016 07:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CRazzyyAce · 07/09/2016 07:13

We choose not to invited friends children and we just our own DC we also had no other DC in the family then. We put names on invites, one couple couldn't come as his DP had booked a holiday over a wedding but they told us how disappointed their little girl was that she would miss our wedding as she was looking forward to it! I didn't say anything because they had declined but I can believe some people just assume their children are invited but the costs do stack up not to meantion the noise disturbance and they do add to the costs. We also had DP cousins DP asking if her two DC were invited which again was annoying as the invite was addressed to the two of them. Could you ask a close family member not the bride herself?

CarShare · 07/09/2016 07:20

I was in a similar situation recently with my 7 month old DD. We declined the invitation as wedding is 8 hours travel away, my parents are attending the wedding and DPs parents live abroad so no childcare options for us. The bride emailed three weeks after our rsvp to say DD was invited after all. It was too late for us as we'd just booked a holiday at the time of the wedding. My Aunty (grooms Mother) contacted us as she felt disappointed we weren't able to go and explained babies had always been welcome but they hadn't known how to word the invitations to invite babies but exclude children without offending someone. If I were you I'd just ask.

SerenDippitee · 07/09/2016 07:30

they hadn't known how to word the invitations to invite babies but exclude children without offending someone

That is completely ridiculous. All they had to do was write your DD's name next to yours and DH's.

Nicnak2223 · 07/09/2016 07:59

I can't see the confusion I sent all wedding invites with children's names in them and I've received invites with my ds name on.

Name on you are invited name not on your not invited. The couple can invite or not invite anyone they like.

I would just decline in the invite, don't speak to the brides mum (unless the bride is a child!) and no need to include a reason on you rsvp a will/won't be attending will suffice.

YelloDraw · 07/09/2016 08:10

Oh yes, you could say: dh is happy to take ds out of the service etc if he cries.

Unfortunately people never bloody do take them out. At a weeding last year (the bride wanted child free but the grooms cousins kicked up a right fuss) and their three year old was such a PITA. Shouting out in the service but kit taken out because he 'wasn't crying'. Getting up and getting in the way of the speeches. Running around when the waiters were serving food. Spoilt it a bit.

Purplepicnic · 07/09/2016 08:27

An invitation invites the people who are named in the invite. That is clear. It's always been the case.

I agree with you but there's enough anecdotes on this thread to show that not everyone understands that. Unfortunately.

GlitteryFluff · 07/09/2016 08:29

I wouldn't speak to brides mum
Id just decline the invite stating you have nobody to look after your DS for two nights as all baby sitters will be at the wedding so you'll have to give it a miss.

trafalgargal · 07/09/2016 08:30

I don't think you need to put "no children" on an invite. Just make sure the names are clear . My cousin however did ring my Mum and said "of course that doesn't apply to my daughter does it as she's family". Mum firmly told him it did as it wouldn't be fair to allow some and not others. He threw a tantrum about how it wasn't faaaaaaiiiir and how his ten year old had never been to a wedding (odd in itself as he's an enthusiastic Christian so you'd think in ten years he'd have had a few invites from his church friends). He then said "well if she's not welcome then I'm not welcome either" (which was not the smartest move as he was only invited out of politeness). Mum quickly jumped in and said she of course respected his decision and had marked him on the list as a no .....and quickly said good bye and hung up despite the "but....but....but" coming from the phone.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 07/09/2016 08:36

The OP is only taking on board the advice that suits her. So she will ask the bride's DM, who will mention it to the bride and then the bride will still be in an awkward position.

And then the bride may feel obliged to invite the baby so presumably that will potentially cause issues with other family members.

But of course so long as the OP, her DH and DS can go, then that's all that matters.

Is it really so hard to understand that they probably don't want to invite your DS - how will they know that you would minimise any disruption?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 07/09/2016 08:39

And there is no need for the explanation of why you can't go - just decline.

It's not like a one yo is going to be missing out, and I would imagine that your non attendance would be the easiet for everyone

I have seen this kind of thing happen a couple of times in RL - it rarely ends well!

trafalgargal · 07/09/2016 08:51

Frankly though I never wanted to take ours at one to a wedding. Younger than that and BF I can understand and old enough to behave appropriately and understand what is going on completely understandable too. Toddlers not so much. That said my sons reception class were all invited to her huge wedding at the end of the school year. They had a coach to the wedding , their own balcony at the church and there was a child friendly garden reception for the kids before they left and the main reception kicked off . It was lovely and very sweet and thoughtful of her to include them in her day but not something anyone expected. The kids (and parents) all behaved impeccably .

SandyY2K · 07/09/2016 09:14

An invitation invites the people who are named in the invite. That is clear. It's always been the case. You don't get an invitation to a formal dinner party and think it includes your child if they aren't actually named on the invitation and weddings are no different.

I disagree with this.

I've been to a wedding before and didn't take the DCs and the Groom (family friend), asked where they were.
We told him we didn't think they were invited and he said no, that our invite included them. They had seats reserved as well.

After thinking my DCs were invited at one wedding years before, I'm much more cautious, but since then, I've had people expect to see them when I've left them behind.

The invites need to be crystal clear. It's not difficult to do this.

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