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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS not invited to wedding

134 replies

muminmanchester · 06/09/2016 15:45

Let me start this off by saying that I am categorically NOT moaning about people having child free weddings. I had one myself and it was bloody great.

However, my cousin is getting married and hasn't invited DS. He'll be just under 1 when the wedding takes place. Fair enough - but she has invited my other cousin's three kids.

The wedding is at the other end of the country which means leaving DS for 2 nights - but everyone he knows will be at the wedding (DH's parents don't see much of him as they live miles away). I don't want to leave him with people he doesn't know for 2 nights.

Would it be unreasonable to ask if he can come? It's obvs not child free if my other cousin's kids are going. Otherwise probably either DH or myself will not go to the wedding so we can look after DS.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
weeblueberry · 06/09/2016 16:10

How old are your cousins three kids? If they're 10, 12 and 15 then it looks as though they're doing a 'no little kids' wedding. But if they're babies too then yeah that's weird.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 06/09/2016 16:10

Totally unreasonable. You don't have to attend but to ask if you can take your child when he hasn't been invited is a rather obnoxious thing to do and puts the bride and groom in an awkward position. It implies that your convenience is the most important thing, even if that's not your intent.

As for saying that DH will take him out if he cries, I have seen ceremonies disrupted by plenty of babies when their parents have said the same..

Go without DS or don't go at all - it's really not worth any angst.

GarlicMist · 06/09/2016 16:11

I did stipulate no babies in the church. Two stroppy mothers did have babes in arms: they were made to sit in the back row nearest the door. One had to leave when baby cried.

allsfairinlove · 06/09/2016 16:11

If the other children are school age it does sound as though they don't want a baby there disturbing the ceremony.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 06/09/2016 16:12

Just seen your update - if it drove you mad then don't do it to them! You had the chance to have the wedding you wanted, it's not for you to impose on the bride and groom for having the wedding they want.

Cherryskypie · 06/09/2016 16:12

It could be an opportunity to leave your DS and DH home for the weekend and have a break.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 06/09/2016 16:15

And be aware that even if they say yes, they are probably going to be rather pissed off about it, so you have to decide whether your convenience is more important than theirs.

emilybrontescorset · 06/09/2016 16:19

I agree with livia, your child is a baby, the others are much older so you know that they don't want your child there.
Either one of you don't go or both of you don't go.

weeblueberry · 06/09/2016 16:19

I wouldn't ask them outright. I'd reply saying 'sorry no we can't leave DS'. Then they've got the opportunity to say 'actually no he's invited' or 'OK thanks bye' in which case he never was and you've not pissed them off by backing them into a corner.

Bogeyface · 06/09/2016 16:25

I just wouldnt go, and be truthful (but polite!) if you are asked why. They are inviting you and its not possible for you to go without your son, so you are not going. Its not rude for them to not invite him and its not rude for you to turn them down.

ThatStewie · 06/09/2016 16:26

Don't ask. Simply decline & if they ask why, tell them. They may have assumed you'd bring him. They may haven't thought of the implications of no children for you. But leave it to them to ask as putting them in an awkward situation isn't fair.

StopMakingMeLogOn · 06/09/2016 16:26

B&G do have to consider their guests' (should there be an apostophe here?) convenience though, if they want people to travel, pay for hotels and wedding presents etc. While it is about the B&G, weddings are a massive expense for guests and if they want people to use up holiday allocation from work and pay for all the costs, they can't always have exactly what they want or guests will decline on the grounds that it is more hassle than it's worth.

AnnaMarlowe · 06/09/2016 16:30

Just politely decline saying that it's too long away from the baby.

If they want the baby to come they'll be in touch.

Farmmummy · 06/09/2016 16:31

I'm another in the probably they've assumed he is coming camp.

whywonthedgehogssharethehedge · 06/09/2016 16:32

You can always decline saying we would love to come but unfortunately it's not possible for us to get someone to mind DS for 2 nights so we are unable to attend.

That gives them scope to get back to you and say oh don't be daft he is invited.

I am confused though as how can it be a child free wedding if 3 other primary school kids have been invited?

ThinkPinkStink · 06/09/2016 16:33

I agree with this:

Just politely decline saying that it's too long away from the baby.

If they want the baby to come they'll be in touch

But I'd add that part of the problem is that all your usual two-night babysitters will be at the wedding... it's completely understandable.

(I also think they expect you to bring him, just didn't think to name him on the invitation).

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 06/09/2016 16:33

Whoever is paying for the event gets to decide who is invited. The bride and groom have invited the OP but instead of accepting or declining gracefully, it has to be about the OP and how unfair it is that her DS isn't invited.

Why do people do this? Genuine question - they are invited to an event but they have to be arrogant and ask for more? Always surprises me.

ConcernedMum420 · 06/09/2016 16:33

speaking from personal experience -
i bought my then 5y/o son to a friends wedding that was no kids but had a free bar. after about 3 pints he was fast asleep and was no trouble for the rest of the night !! Star

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 06/09/2016 16:35

And weddings don't have to be all or nothing with children. I have some truly obnoxious children in the family so I wouldn't invite them but I would invite others (who happen to be younger) who aren't total pitas.

BodsAuntieFlo · 06/09/2016 16:35

Are the other children part of the wedding party?

I think it's rude to ask tbh. As someone else said, decline and give the reason that you can't get childcare for 2 nights. That gives the B&G scope to get back to you without you asking.

SerenDippitee · 06/09/2016 16:36

'Thanks for the invitation. I'd love to come, but DH sends his regrets as he'll need to stay home with DS.'

Bride will either say, 'oh well, that's a shame' or 'but of course DS is invited!'

Easy.

MLGs · 06/09/2016 16:39

Id ask in these specific circumstances.

Ratley · 06/09/2016 16:42

Just decline, I always do when the kids aren't invited. Totally up to the bride and groom who they invite.
I was annoyed with a cousin of mine who sent and invite to my widowed grandad's house addressed to 'grandad' on the envelope also on the invite was 'auntie x (my mum) ratley, ratley's brother, Ratley's sister'
No mention of my dad (her godfather, married to mum for 40"years), my husband or children (married 14 years) or my siblings spouses.
It was a 2hr drive away as well, none of us went.

totalrecall1 · 06/09/2016 16:51

Under 5's excluding babes in arms would be the age of children I wouldn't really want at my wedding. They can't sit still through a service at that age and are likely to cause disruption. I think she has invited the other kids because they are older. As pp's said if you don't want to leave the baby just decline the invite. If they change their mind they will come back to you

SandyY2K · 06/09/2016 16:52

YANBU.