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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS not invited to wedding

134 replies

muminmanchester · 06/09/2016 15:45

Let me start this off by saying that I am categorically NOT moaning about people having child free weddings. I had one myself and it was bloody great.

However, my cousin is getting married and hasn't invited DS. He'll be just under 1 when the wedding takes place. Fair enough - but she has invited my other cousin's three kids.

The wedding is at the other end of the country which means leaving DS for 2 nights - but everyone he knows will be at the wedding (DH's parents don't see much of him as they live miles away). I don't want to leave him with people he doesn't know for 2 nights.

Would it be unreasonable to ask if he can come? It's obvs not child free if my other cousin's kids are going. Otherwise probably either DH or myself will not go to the wedding so we can look after DS.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
kali110 · 06/09/2016 18:40

I can understand you feeling that it's unfair.
Are the other kids a lot older than yours though?

I had the same experience as LiviaDrusillaAugusta sat next to two very young children at a wedding.
One cried the whole way through and the other screamed and shrieked.
Were not taken out.
Couldn't hear a thing.

merrymouse · 06/09/2016 19:00

Why should two other people have to be inconvenienced though?

So that their son can attend a family event, assuming they want to go?

merrymouse · 06/09/2016 19:02

I'm also suggesting getting another family member to help with childcare as some people hate the evening part of weddings and are glad of an excuse to leave.

Notagainmun · 06/09/2016 19:04

My cousin brought her one year old to my wedding but he wasn't invited. I was only inviting my cousin to be polite. Would have been no problem if she couldn't come through lack if child care. The cousins on the other side of my family were really put out as they didn't bring their babies.

Just reply stating why and if they want you to bring your baby they will let you know.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 06/09/2016 19:05

So the parents of the OP's DH have to miss out because the Op has decided to make a point? If OP wants to be crass enough to ask the bride, I'm sure she will feel backed into a corner and invite the baby too but the OP shouldn't be surprised if she's seen as a total pita as a result.

GarlicMist · 06/09/2016 19:08

Concerned, you gave your 5-year-old 3 pints??! Shock Wink

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 06/09/2016 19:11

And the OP had a child free wedding and had pressure from people to make exceptions?

Wtf would she be so bloody obnoxious to someone else in that position?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 06/09/2016 19:12

And surely the parents could volunteer to babysit if they wanted to?

EllaHen · 06/09/2016 19:13

Every time there is a 'child not being invited to a wedding' thread, someone usually posts that one day the bride and groom will have children of their own and understand.

merrymouse · 06/09/2016 19:16

So the parents of the OP's DH have to miss out because the Op has decided to make a point

No, they might be happy to look after their grandchild. Weddings go on for hours and hours - many people wouldn't see skipping part of it as 'missing out'.

FrancisCrawford · 06/09/2016 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkfoxes · 06/09/2016 19:24

Just decline stating you don't have babysitters. I would never have left my children with anyone overnight at that age in a million years.

alfagirl73 · 06/09/2016 19:30

I'd say it's unclear what the position is. The invite doesn't specifically say "no children". It could well be that they are simply assuming you'd bring him with him being so little, and it was an unfortunate oversight not to put his name on the invite. Alternatively it could be that they are only inviting children over a certain age.

I don't think there is any harm in clarifying the position - not asking if he can come if he's not invited - just checking what the rule is on kids so you can make an informed decision on accepting or declining the invite. Is there anyone else involved in the wedding who could make a discrete enquiry about it and just confirm if it's "only children over x age" or whether the B&G are in fact assuming you will bring your son/other young children will be there and it's a miscommunication?

Alternatively, I agree with the other option of saying you'd love to go to the wedding but have to decline as you can't leave DS; that then gives them the opportunity to say "oh don't be silly - of course we expected you to bring him!".

SandyY2K · 06/09/2016 19:36

May have already been said but perhaps because he won't occupy a seat and require a meal they haven't specifically mentioned him.

If I didn't want a baby there, I'd specifically mention it.

We were invited to a wedding once and the menu was enclosed, including the children's menu, which was seperate. We replied saying we'd be attending.

I was rather ticked off to find that there was no seating for my children, because I would definetly have left my DC with a relative had I known. They were about 4 and 6 years old.

Why include a children's menu in my invite if my children aren't invited. I made it very clear on my invites that it was only for guests named and unfortunately we weren't able to accommodate DCs.

I recall asking my DH (because it was his friend), if the DC were invited and he said yes they are, they've got the kids menu here as well.

Best to clarify the situation and don't assume anything.

WetPaint4 · 06/09/2016 19:39

Just call and ask. This is the kind of situation that can be blown out of proportion because people are too scared to just communicate.

Right now, it's simple. Ask the bride (without any tone) for clarification and take it from there. Imagine if you declined and all along the b&g were just expecting you to bring your son but didn't think his name needed to be on the invitation? I don't get that people would have you miss the wedding rather than ask a really simple question.

If people are going to have a child free or child restricted wedding, they should make it really clear on the invitation so everybody knows where they stand. If they're then selective about it or giving off mixed messages, they should be prepared to discuss it with confused family members.

Simple conversation OP, whatever she says just say 'okay, thank you', be understanding and tell her you'll let her know if you can make it.

Goingtobeawesome · 06/09/2016 19:41

We were invited to a wedding, our seven month old wasn't. When I said we couldn't go, actually was evening only, they said airily oh bring him. I just don't think they'd remembers I'd had a baby.

waterrat · 06/09/2016 19:44

Gosh yoi should of course ask ! How ridiculous not asking your cousin who may well not mind. Just ask politely so she feels she can say no.

I just had a child free wedding thst wasn't really. As others here have said I just needed to make sure a large number of children didn't come ! That meant thst people who had childcsre issues etc cpuld all bring their kids.

People asked me and I didn't mind at all.

galaxygirl45 · 06/09/2016 19:48

I would reply with an RSVP card and say really sorry we can't make it but we don't have anyone to leave our little one with as they are all attending. That way leaves the door open for them to reply to whatever suits them, and you're not making a fuss as such. DH and I were asked to a wedding reception a few years ago, no mention of kids on invite and had a complete nightmare getting childcare sorted to arrive and see seating plan with our 3 kids names on table and the assumption that we'd bring them........ the bride wasn't impressed either as they'd ordered food for them!!! You need to be very specific on invites so everyone knows where they are.

MarriedinMaui · 06/09/2016 19:54

That last post is exactly why you need to ASK and not just assume he isn't invited.

WhatsMyNameNow · 06/09/2016 20:07

I'd decline citing lack of childcare. It would be rude to ask.

RestlessTraveller · 06/09/2016 20:32

I absolutely wouldn't assume he's invited. I'm getting married next year and we've invited some children and not others.

It is awful manners to ask, but fine to decline because you have no-one to leave him with.

Original poster
muminmanchester · 06/09/2016 20:37

Thanks for (mostly) very helpful advice. Im going to speak to mother of the bride first and see if she knows either way and then speak to bride to explain why we can't come if I need to. NOT asking if he can come!

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 06/09/2016 20:45

Ffs since when are brides this protected species all of a sudden?!

"I just didn't want to bother the bride"

She's getting married, she's not the queen.

SabineUndine · 06/09/2016 20:48

I think it would be perfectly reasonably to say you don't want to leave him for so long at his age.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 06/09/2016 20:50

Brides aren't a protected species and I know on MN the bride is totally irrelevant to the proceedings but Its just incredibly crass to try to blag an invite for the baby - she's probably got more important things to organise for the whole wedding party rather than having to feel awkward about not inviting the child of someone who had a child free wedding

Still I see the OP will ask the bride's DM - because you can never involve too many people in stuff like this.