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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS not invited to wedding

134 replies

muminmanchester · 06/09/2016 15:45

Let me start this off by saying that I am categorically NOT moaning about people having child free weddings. I had one myself and it was bloody great.

However, my cousin is getting married and hasn't invited DS. He'll be just under 1 when the wedding takes place. Fair enough - but she has invited my other cousin's three kids.

The wedding is at the other end of the country which means leaving DS for 2 nights - but everyone he knows will be at the wedding (DH's parents don't see much of him as they live miles away). I don't want to leave him with people he doesn't know for 2 nights.

Would it be unreasonable to ask if he can come? It's obvs not child free if my other cousin's kids are going. Otherwise probably either DH or myself will not go to the wedding so we can look after DS.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Enidblyton1 · 06/09/2016 16:56

This is a family wedding so I think you are absolutely fine to ask (if you don't want to bother the bride, just ask another relative). It may be that they are only inviting children of a certain age or have some other criteria. Or they might have forgotten to put your one year old on the invitation (easily done with a recent baby and having to write lots of invites!!).
If I had forgotten to put my cousin's child on a wedding invite I would prefer them to ask about it rather than receive a formal decline to the invitation. Just ask! If they have left off your child on purpose, you can just explain that sadly due to childcare issues only one of you can attend the wedding.

Beeziekn33ze · 06/09/2016 16:58

Talk to DH's parents about it.

MLGs · 06/09/2016 16:59

I should say, because I also think they have probably assumed he is coming.

Either say "I'm just checking if Ds is invited" or "I'm sorry I can't come as there's no one to look after .

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 06/09/2016 16:59

I'm just amazed that people are effectively asking the bride and groom to justify their criteria for invitations!

By all means ask them, in fact you should totally demand that your DS be invited or you will boycott the wedding - I'm sure that will teach them a lesson about inviting who they want to their own wedding

Branleuse · 06/09/2016 16:59

just ask. Its the only way youre going to know

Lorelei76 · 06/09/2016 17:02

why do you think he isn't invited? If he's not on the invite, do you know for sure that the children who are coming are listed on the invite? Does the invite say "no children"?

I'd ask because the potential for misunderstanding is huge. Just politely say "can I just double check the invite is just for the 2 of us" and let them say yes or no.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/09/2016 17:09

I don't think you should ask, exactly - I think you should ring the bride and explain why you're having to decline the invitation (as is polite anyway). Then, as a PP suggested, that gives her the opening to say "oh I thought you'd be bringing him with you" OR "sorry to hear that. we'll miss you" OR possibly "what? of course you have to come, can't you leave him with the next door neighbour or something?"

Her response will give you all the clues you need as to what you do next!

LyndaNotLinda · 06/09/2016 17:15

I'm RSVP and say 'Thanks so much for inviting us to your wedding. We'd love to come but unfortunately have no one we can leave Tarquin with for two days. Hope you understand and look forward to catching up with you soon. Lots of love, muminmanchester'

That's polite and doesn't put her in an awkward situation. Then if she is expecting you to bring him, she can tell you.

Incidentally, did she have children she had to find childcare for to attend your wedding? Just wondering if she might be getting her own back!

LyndaNotLinda · 06/09/2016 17:16

I'd, not I'm

merrymouse · 06/09/2016 17:18

If your DH's parents are there, can childcare be split e.g. They go during day and you go in evening.

Explaining this arrangement to might also prompt the bride and groom to clarify whether/why your DS isn't invited.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 06/09/2016 17:27

Why should two other people have to be inconvenienced though? And why do the bride and groom have to justify their choice?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 06/09/2016 17:29

Just reply and say 'thanks for inviting us. Unfortunately we won't be able to attend'

Purplepicnic · 06/09/2016 17:31

I suppose there's a difference between asking if you can bring him even though it's clear he's not invited and asking for clarification on whether he's invited or not.

The latter you could get away with, if you're polite, but the former is not cool.

carefreeeee · 06/09/2016 17:34

But it's not about justifying the B and G's choice or begging them to invite the child - just about clarification.

If I had a child free wedding I'd write on the invites 'sorry no children'

and if that wasn't there I'd rather people asked rather than just decline without giving a reason, which I'd probably interpret as them being in a huff because I'd forgotten to add their baby to the invite!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 06/09/2016 17:35

Either way, if they ask they risk embarrassing the B&G -

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 06/09/2016 17:36

We see on here all the time that even when people specify no children, there are always people that ask if they can take little Tarquin as it doesn't apply to them

coconutpie · 06/09/2016 17:37

I wouldn't be going. You can hardly be expected to leave a 1 year old overnight with strangers.

NapQueen · 06/09/2016 17:39

I would call them.

"Hi Bride, just wanted to give you a quick call as I'd hate to tick "will not attend" without a reason, seems a bit rude. Just that with all the family attending the wedding we won't have anyone to mind ds. So we will either have to decline both of us or maybe I can just come alone and DS can stay home with dh. Like I say I didn't just want to tick No without at least letting you know why"

Delta1411 · 06/09/2016 17:52

I wouldn't ask-it's totally different them having their own nieces and nephews there, quite a different thing for cousins to bring their kids.

They probably can't avoid having their nieces and nephews there however will probably be aware of how well behaved they are. Personally I think there's nothing worse than kids screaming on through speeches and ignorant parents ignoring them. It's disrespectful and rude-take your kid out of the room!!!!

You'll probably guilt them into saying yes because then it's oh she had her kids there as well but not ours....where does it stop?

Oh and before I get slated I went to a wedding last weekend. Took two of my three under 5 who sat quietly colouring in with colouring books the bride had provided. And if they had been loud they'd have been taken out as not to disrupt things.

TheNaze73 · 06/09/2016 17:54

YABU, they'd have invited him if they wanted him to attend

bluebeck · 06/09/2016 18:00

I wouldn't ask if he can come either. I would just respond saying Oh sorry, we won't be able to come as no childcare.

That gives her the opportunity to say, "Oh sorry, we just assumed you would bring DS as he is a babe in arms" or something like that......

Greyponcho · 06/09/2016 18:07

Possible that they wanted a 'child of crying age'-free wedding, or they forgot to include your DS.
We received an invite from DPs cousin where they'd written the wrong venue on their invites, so mistakes can easily be made!

Blondeshavemorefun · 06/09/2016 18:07

Agree reply declining as you have no childcare

Bride will either say bring him along got ok thanks for letting us know

Or you get the Bridezilla saying can you leave him with someone 😂

PotteringAlong · 06/09/2016 18:18

If it drove you mad when you got married you definitely can't do it! You might consider apologising to all of your guests who you put in the same position you are in now as well...

RhiWrites · 06/09/2016 18:38

Since you had a childfree wedding so expected your guests to find childcare for their children when everyone they knew were at the wedding, it's now your turn to do the same.

The other children are a red herring. You have no problems with childfree weddings and your child hasn't been invited. There isn't a problem here.

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