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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Want a Richer Man?

230 replies

ChegPasty · 06/09/2016 14:14

Obviously I am but do any of you ever feel this way?

My DH is incredible by anyone's standards, couldn't fault him. His parents are not particularly wealthy and he has a below average salary. We get by and he's not tight with the money he does have.

I'm slowly qualifying in a career that comes with a large salary. It will be a while before I get there but I work alongside lots with million + salaries. They're mostly men with wives who don't have to work and they have incredible lives (from the outside). They walk around in designer clothes and shoes, holiday for most of the year and go 1st class or private, drive flash cars, they have beautiful homes and want for nothing.

AIBU to want in on this even though I have a man who adores me? I work ridiculously hard long hours and couldn't even imagine spending the amount of money some of these women do on a pair of shoes and I sometimes wonder what the point is.

OP posts:
YelloDraw · 06/09/2016 16:24

Handbags and designer clothes you can keep.

But holidays and hobbies, oh I could spend millions on those!

myfriendnigel · 06/09/2016 16:26

I don't think the op is saying she doesn't love her dh, or that she expects him to go and be the big earner whilst she sits on the couch all day.
I think she probably is a bit knackered, and feels like she's a tad drained chasing her arse, and that its difficult to not compare her situation to those of her colleagues wives who seemingly have more from doing, from the op's possible point of view, less.
It might not be worded so well, but I think that's what you mean op?
I work ft and always have. Do I get envious of friends that don't have to do this because their dh's have good jobs that enable them to be at home? Yes I do. That doesn't make me sexist, it makes me a human being. I would love to be at home with the DC, doing the household stuff at a more leisurely pace, maybe having a bit of time to do stuff for me whilst the kids are at school etc etc. (And he's j know that Being a Sahp isn't easy but it would be amazing to have the choice).That might not be the choice everyone would make, but it doesn't make it less of a valid choice, and sometimes it feels a bit unfair that I'm unable to do that.
That's life however-i love my dp, and that's what counts in the end, wealthy or not (he is not, and neither am I).
But I haven't met that many people who would say no if they were suddenly offered a windfall, or the chance of an increased income. It's hard not to be envious of others sometimes. I think he op deserves to have some slack cut here.

SandyY2K · 06/09/2016 16:26

They're women who are being financially abused

Seriously?

myfriendnigel · 06/09/2016 16:26

I don't think the op is saying she doesn't love her dh, or that she expects him to go and be the big earner whilst she sits on the couch all day.
I think she probably is a bit knackered, and feels like she's a tad drained chasing her arse, and that its difficult to not compare her situation to those of her colleagues wives who seemingly have more from doing, from the op's possible point of view, less.
It might not be worded so well, but I think that's what you mean op?
I work ft and always have. Do I get envious of friends that don't have to do this because their dh's have good jobs that enable them to be at home? Yes I do. That doesn't make me sexist, it makes me a human being. I would love to be at home with the DC, doing the household stuff at a more leisurely pace, maybe having a bit of time to do stuff for me whilst the kids are at school etc etc. (And he's j know that Being a Sahp isn't easy but it would be amazing to have the choice).That might not be the choice everyone would make, but it doesn't make it less of a valid choice, and sometimes it feels a bit unfair that I'm unable to do that.
That's life however-i love my dp, and that's what counts in the end, wealthy or not (he is not, and neither am I).
But I haven't met that many people who would say no if they were suddenly offered a windfall, or the chance of an increased income. It's hard not to be envious of others sometimes. I think he op deserves to have some slack cut here.

NickyEds · 06/09/2016 16:29

I agree Arseicle, I think it's interesting that you have said you wish your husband was richer op, rather than winning the lottery or some other good fortune perhaps, or getting a massive pay rise. It's odd that you chose your husband as the thing you wish were different.

...They have the security I am working so hard for and have got it by doing piss all

You don't really know these women you are envying and denigrating! You don't know what they've done or achieved in their lives, you've just seen a snap shot of how they appear to live now.

BlancheBlue · 06/09/2016 16:30

cheg Have you ever listened to yourself ffs? "normal salaries folk who earn six figures" Hmm

You do know that earning 100k would put you in the top 2% of earners in UK?

Now great if you earn that but many people have happy, normal lives and marriages on way less than six figures.

Don't be one of those people who is a slave to their company and work - no-one of their death bed says "shit, I wish I had done some more work"

LieutenantUhurusGreenEarrings · 06/09/2016 16:30

You"re making a helluva lot of assumptions about people. Your DH, your colleagues, their wives.

When I met Dh I was working really long hours Ina profession that took years to get anywhere in, demanded high standards & qualifications and I had been for years. We earned bout the same.

Since then I have 1) inherited a bit of menu from a relative ( I looked after them during a terminal illness and that was quite harrowing) 2) Developed a chronic health condition that means I cannot cope with the demands my old job out on me, nothing like it.

DH now earns three times what we both used to. Between that, and some money I have (inheritance plus savings from when I was working), we can afford for me not to work.

To "keep up" with some of his female colleagues, for work related dos I buy pre loved designer shoes etc off eBay. I am also undertaking an OU degree so I can retrain for a less stressful role.

You sure some of your colleagues wives aren't in a different position that you assume? I.e. Independently wealthy, have savings from a previous career, caring for not just children but elderly or ill relatives/friends, running a business from home, chronically ill, studying, putting up a good front in many number of ways?

Dozer · 06/09/2016 16:31

"Normal salaries" of six figures? Higher earners making millions! What is this occupation and can you do it 9-5?

Dozer · 06/09/2016 16:32

Or to fit round school runs Grin

HeadDreamer · 06/09/2016 16:36

Never. I'm very happy with my balance of career and family. I have a job that I love. I feel respected and making a contribution. I make an ok salary. I have a supportive husband that allows me to continue to work. He takes equal share in childcare and housework. I will never want to be the wife of someone who works very long hour and only go to shop and wear designer clothes.

An ex boyfriend is very successful looking at his facebook and linkedin profile. Great job as a regional manager of a huge multinational. He's always check into hotels for business. And having some sort of business dinner. Amazing apartment. Divorced and seldom see a photo of him and his DC. Has a girlfriend early twenties and he's early forties. Looking at that I know I am so lucky to have my DH.

Lorelei76 · 06/09/2016 16:38

you're entitled to want what you want

if you want a rich man, go and get one

but I hope you realise your DH may be thinking he wants a richer woman and may even be keeping his eyes peeled till he finds one. No reason he shouldn't covet a kept man lifestyle.

SandyY2K · 06/09/2016 16:40

OP

I've known men say that their wives changed when they started working or earning lot money.

Some have said their wives seemed to like their male colleagues who earned a lot and subsequently had an affair with them, especially in male dominated environments.

Coincidently lots of the OW I come across are in high flying jobs and they claim their MM admire that in them as their wives are often SAHM.

Money can't buy you everything in life and a
good husband is priceless. (As is a good wife)

MitzyLeFrouf · 06/09/2016 16:41

HeadDreamer do you know LinkedIn lets you know if anyone has viewed your profile? Just in case you want to have a nose without him being aware!

HeadDreamer · 06/09/2016 16:44

Mitzy yeah I know. But he's actually my linkedin and facebook friend. And linkedin sends me updates about these stupid work anniversaries. It includes the job title. Can't help but notice!

He messaged me a while back on linkedin when I switched job to another well known multinational. Trying to drum up business. He and many others on my linkedin contacts.

gillybeanz · 06/09/2016 16:45

You should be careful he doesn't trade you for somebody with the same values as him.

My dh is poor, hence so am I.
it doesn't matter how much you earn, it's how much you spend.
we are low income and we can afford a sahp just about.
However, we aren't shallow and governed by earning more and more to spend on rubbish.
Designer clothes aren't very good quality, the same with shoes, they eventually wear out or go out of fashion.
As for new flash cars, well think of the depreciation as soon as you drive it off the forecourt, it can be 10's of thousands.

Jaimx86 · 06/09/2016 16:49

Obviously I am but do any of you ever feel this way?

The OP asked if anyone 'ever' feels this way. Just a fleeting thought...

Well, OP, I do! If I see a people on holiday coming in to a restaurant from a super yacht I think , wow, look at that lifestyle. I know someone very wealthy who books the most fantastic holidays due to her husband's very high wage (although she has a good job too) and occasionally think 'I want that'!

The pang of envy is reasonable OP, if you then reflect on the feeling and realise that a) Things are not always as they appear, b) material goods soon become boring, and that c) money can't buy love and health.

GarlicMist · 06/09/2016 16:55

Oh, my old friends post pictures of themselves having fun at restaurants where dinner for two costs more than my monthly income now. I'm quick to bat away my envy and just enjoy the vibe - but I feel the envy! It's normal. And it was great to be able to do what they do, while I could.

Hockeydude · 06/09/2016 16:56

Nobody (assuming normal everyday people) needs an annual salary of £1m+.

Spending several thousand on clothes, shoes and bags is nothing to aspire to. In fact, unless fashion is your main interest (in which case, fine), then spending like this on random stuff is grotesque.

Lorelei76 · 06/09/2016 16:59

also amazed at the reference to "normal" people on 6 figures. Wonder if OP knows what the average salary is.

GHT379854 · 06/09/2016 17:10

I work in the City where £100k plus salaries are the norm and £500k plus not unusual. I don't see a great deal of happiness around me. Divorces, affairs, drink and drug habits, long hours etc etc.

The happiest people I know still live in the little village where I grew up as a child and don't have pots of money. They do have fresh air, laid back lifestyles and time.

I wouldn't trade what you have as not all Rich high flying men make good husbands.

Chopstick17 · 06/09/2016 17:24

I feel sorry for your DH. You have gold already.

green18 · 06/09/2016 17:29

Never been driven by money so no I don't envy those people. I once thought I'd won the lottery when I was a newly wed and my honest first thought was "Oh no, I like saving up for my Ikea furniture!"

DollyBarton · 06/09/2016 17:29

I'm amazed at how much underlying and even explicit linking people are doing of their wealth to their husband. We may be women but even if our husband is/isn't wealthy, we have (or would have had at some point in life) the potential to make our own wealth. That's why I'm uncomfortable with people wishing their DH was richer, they should have planned their own money making better. I personally wish I was richer (don't we all to some degree) but would never expect my husband to fulfil anything other than his own desires in life for career and wealth. I see in our hose two people with the potential to increase the wealth of our family, not one. Am I incorrect that many assume the man needs to bring in the extra?

Chopstick17 · 06/09/2016 17:31

I agree Dolly and it is surprising that OP feels this way when she has said that she is training for a career where her earnings will be high.

user1473106504 · 06/09/2016 17:33

op watch the movie "Indecent proposal" with demi moore