To Want a Richer Man?

[ChegPasty]

Obviously I am but do any of you ever feel this way?

My DH is incredible by anyone's standards, couldn't fault him. His parents are not particularly wealthy and he has a below average salary. We get by and he's not tight with the money he does have.

I'm slowly qualifying in a career that comes with a large salary. It will be a while before I get there but I work alongside lots with million + salaries. They're mostly men with wives who don't have to work and they have incredible lives (from the outside). They walk around in designer clothes and shoes, holiday for most of the year and go 1st class or private, drive flash cars, they have beautiful homes and want for nothing.

AIBU to want in on this even though I have a man who adores me? I work ridiculously hard long hours and couldn't even imagine spending the amount of money some of these women do on a pair of shoes and I sometimes wonder what the point is.

I would question why you feel like the cost of somebody's shoes, the name on the label of their clothes or where they buy their lunch means so much to you.

The travel-lust I understand, but the rest of it is mostly artificial nonsense.

Well I'd like to be richer but I'd also hate it if I hadn't earned it myself. I'm happily married but I always wanted to be financially independent and I am.

I think everyone has the "oh think what I could do with x-amount of money!" thoughts, and even a bit of jealous towards people who do have more money/nicer things/flash holidays - I know I feel a pang of jealousy when I see my friend's (she's a teacher, married to a barrister) holiday photos! But I would never think "I should have married a richer man" I love my DH (a serving soldier), and his modest salary allows us to survive, and give our DC nice enough things. We don't drive a posh car and have never been on holiday, but that's completely irrelevant to me. We have enough money to put food on the table and we have our health! I can see us probably having a nicer car, nicer clothes and maybe the odd holiday when I can go back to work full time which will be lovely, and will feel good knowing that I am bringing in the extra money, not relying solely on DH, but until then I'm happy!

My high earning husband couldn't give a flying fuck whether I work or not (I do), so long as I am happy.

More than half of our assets, way more than half, are in my name, including his business and he could give a shit what I spent (or not). Would think to check.

Well abused, me!

There's a lot of assumption going on, on this thread.

High earning folk often work A LOT of hours btw, if DH walked in at 6pm the whole family would look up in surprise.

High earning folk often work A LOT of hours btw, if DH walked in at 6pm the whole family would look up in surprise.

A lot of women in low paid jobs will never be fully independent because the pay is so low.

is their effort not worth anything then?
Care work retail work.........jobs that still need doing. I got utterly fucking fed up of being looked down on when i was in these jobs.

Not currently based there, but our London house is in an area which is wall to wall bankernlawyers' wives. It is Stepfordsville.

I've done what you've done OP, gone into lucrative work, left to set up my own businesses and made a goodly amount. Bottom line is I ticked off a list of all the things I thought I ever wanted and when you get them it means fuck all. Bricks & mortar, clothes, shoes, cars, holidays, jewellery, fancy shmancy... all meaningless. I'm over it.

You can follow that line but it'd be quicker just not to bother. Everyone who tells you that money doesn't buy happiness is right.

Another assumption, is that these wives are not independently wealthy.....maybe they bought their own shoes etc.

a goddess of a woman dressed head to toe in designer clobber, fresh from her midweek break to the south of France, carrying her harrods shopping bags

It's kind or weird to call somebody a goddess just because they've been on holiday recently and can spend a load of money on pointless shit. People with money are not any more special than you are.

*the million plus earning chap will expect his wife, children and house to be perfect on the rare occasions he is home.

I'm sure there are some high earners who aren't utter tossers!*

Seriously! My dh is an extremely high earner (after many years of earning very little and incredibly hours so he could get to this point). He is nothing like the cliche of "wealthy man, ignores children, abuses wife, keeps money" you read on here.

OP, I think it is very hard when you work with people who are very very high earners. Actually I think it can be slightly dangerous because you start to feel entitled to the same things as they have. I have a friend who as part of his job, fundraised with the extremely wealthy. He was a high earner himself but nothing like these people. He said to me once that he had to constantly remind himself that he might visit their lifestyle for an event but it was just a visit - not his reality.

Also not sure why people are so harsh to the OP who is working hard for financial security for herself and her family. A friend who is a lawyer once said to me that she was thinking how she worked so hard to get into university/qualify/get a good job in a big firm/deal with the pressure of work/then try to balance it with rearing a child but the wife of one of her colleagues who didn't do any of that - got a job out of school, gave up when she had children, had basically the same lifestyle (and her husband was lovely too). It is just an observation. My friend didn't go home and kick her husband out for not being in a different job.

Have you ever considered that not all men are twats and maybe people have joint accounts and the women can do what they want with the cash just as much as the men can?

My husband isn't a twat ;-) We have the sort of set-up which many feminists seem to despise. We're both in our mid 40-s, met at 20 at Uni and I've been with him for more of my life than I haven't. We've always had a joint account and "our" money rather than his and my money. He's now earning considerably more than I do - he's on a 6 figure salary and I'm lucky to earn £10k a year self-employed. Some of the accounts are in joint names, some in his and some in mine, but it's all family money. I have a pension too.

We organise ourselves like this because we have three kids and husband works very irregular hours. He's often away overnight and sometimes has to go overseas. We just couldn't carry on with the ferrying kids to Scouts/Cubs/Dancing/Drama and everything else if I were working too. The childcare falls to me 100%. DH can rarely take time off for things like sports days and prize givings unless they are booked months in advance (and our school's not that organised)

I do think though that comparing yourself constantly to other people is pointless - there is always going to be someone with more money, a newer car, a more expensive holiday.

Never really thought of my job changing me but I think it definitely is.

Ah, that's like DH - began working among millionaires in Mayfair and now he feels poor because we don't have a Lamborghini

These women are completely under the control of their husbands because they have no money of their own.

Excuse me... Financial abuse is an extremely serious thing and shouldn't be so flippantly thrown out there IMO.

I am currently not able to work, I was a high income earner before and for a long time whilst with my DP. (I brought my own very expensive shoes, not to fill the empty void in my soul but because I could and I liked them) Being unwell due to a chronic health condition which has become worse due to going through miscarriage after miscarriage has made it very difficult for me to work at the same levels I used to do. So I currently am a SAHP and we are lucky to be in that position, we made that decision which is for our families benefit and actually for my benefit

Nobody controls me, nobody is abusing me we made a joint decision for me to be able to stop working I contribute as much as he does but in different ways. I am in every single way his equal.

As for I want a "richer" man - Fine wish for more money, despite being well off we often think about what it would be like to more wealthy I think most people do, but to want your husband to earn more just for your benefit so you can swan about buying shoes and reading Harper's and queen reads in a very horrible manor.

I wonder, and I may be wrong in this, if you haven't truly had a reason to appreciate your 'incredible' husband yet. Life throws so many things at you- you will get older, be less glamorous, perhaps bereaved, perhaps become disabled. The absolutely best thing you can have in life, unless you are very poor, is a supportive partner. Yours sounds ace- appreciate him.

Everyone who tells you that money doesn't buy happiness is right.

Disagree a bit. A lot of money doesn't make you happy. But being below a certain level definitely affects happiness/stress etc. I think a study in the US set it at annual income of $70,000. Happiness increases up to that point but plateaus after that.

"The only incurable troubles of the rich are the troubles that money can't cure
Which is a kind of trouble that is even more troublesome if you are poor"

I'd love to married to a high earner but mainly because that would mean that I didn't have to work if I didn't want to and also because if you do have a career, I think it gives you the freedom pick and choose jobs.
I would much prefer to be independently wealthy though.

Fuck that, I would HATE being pampered and "kept" on my husband's salary and rarely take from him when I can help it. In fact, I earn several £k more than him, I'm guaranteed a pay increment every year and my earning potential is far higher. He, however, is secure, loves his job and it's what his mental health requires. A more stressful job would ruin him.

I love spending my own hard earned cash.

I was watching The Wolf of Wall Street the other night. Now Leonardo di Caprio's character, definitely not good marriage material! But the script contained the Mae West quote “I've been rich and I've been poor, and rich is better.”

I would question why you feel like the cost of somebody's shoes, the name on the label of their clothes or where they buy their lunch means so much to you.

Oh come on, the OP is hardly some freakish, grabby anomaly! Cars, fashion, property, hotels and restaurants... Multi-million pound industries thrive upon the human weakness that is aspiration.

Wonderful if you don't feel any desire for expensive stuff, but quite understandable if you do!

ManonLescaut... Great post.

Well FWIW. I know some people why aren't short of a few quid. One is worth around 400 the other a measly 190 one somewhere around 140 and the others 80 and perhaps 40 "ish".

Not one of them seems that happy with their weath in fact they seem burdened with it for the greater part. Odd but in a way I'm glad my bunce doesn't go that high. I'm shall we say conformable and that's the same in mind and body and attitude.

Course grinding poverty isnt that much fun either but i think if you have shall we say sufficient and what you need and your happy then that's worth a hell of a lot.

Plus healthy of course.

Millions, those figures above.

My DP is currently in prison serving time for something he didn't do. We are doing everything we can to get him home particularly as he went away 3 weeks after our first baby was born. It's been 6 Kong month so far of being a lone parent and missing hin every single day. Do you know what I would give just to have him home? You have no idea how bloody lucky you are to be with the person you love, your OP made me really annoyed as there are people like myself who would happily live in a bedsit if it meant having my family back together.

What I'm getting from your posts is that you're very tired and possibly a bit run down or depressed. Though you love your husband you can't help resenting the fact that he doesn't work quite as hard as you or earn as much as you. The wives in the office represent a life of ease to you, an escape from the worries you have. You think if only your DH would provide for you you'd feel ok. You wouldn't. Money doesn't solve that feeling unfortunately, but it's not unusual to think that it will.

You need a break and possibly a reassessment of where your life is going.

A lot of money doesn't make you happy. But being below a certain level definitely affects happiness/stress etc

I can't disagree with that. Money doesn't make you happy but not enough money can make you very stressed. That's the point that I started from.

But the OP's not talking about having enough money to be relatively comfortable and not have to worry, but actively hankering after a certain lifestyle. Glossy lifestyle is very seductive but it doesn't add up to much.

What are you all classing as high income/wealthy/well paid.

Including the op- what do these people make roughly.