To ask what would your course of action be if this happened...

[Shadow1986]

Obviously long back story of similar arguments...

Bathing my children when DH starts shouting at me because instead of putting his clean washing away, I have put his in a pile on the floor in our walk in wardrobe - reason being 1. I have 3 children including 10 wk old baby and drowning in housework, 2. He has so many clothes I always struggle to find a home for everything.

I said he could do it himself, he screamed 'your a fucking housewife, do your your fucking job!' - this was in front of children.

so should I be putting away his washing? He does provide for me...answers please.

So his behaviour is part of a pattern. He is being verbally and emotionally abusive. The silent treatment is his way of punishing you for standing up for yourself. You made an excellent point that this is not a healthy example of a relationship for your daughter. If you want better for her when she is older you need to see that you deserve better too. Have you considered counselling to deal with your past experiences in relationships?

I would have set fire to his clothes.

I will happily set fire to his clothes on your behalf.

Hahaha Any man of mine would have been dumped by now if he ever spoke to me like that. im a human. someone you should be in love with not a slave!

OP he's not going to change unless it's for worse. He has no respect for you and he certainly doesn't love you to be treating you like that.

Being sworn at is not the norm. Being spoken to like that is not the norm. Being treated like that is not the norm.

WOULD you like it for your daughter? Then why is it OK for you? You are allowed to be happy, fulfilled, appreciated and valued too.

Your husband sounds like a grade-A cunt. I hope you find the strength to leave him. I know it's not easy, especially with a 10 week old. But he's a prick and it's not a good message for your children. So, get the fuck away from him.
I feel so sad reading posts like this - sending you my best wishes.

I would break the silence with a trial separation. Say, you get the kids one mid week night and every other weekend. I will express milk so you can do all the night feeding too.

I will back up all your stuff tomorrow and send it to the place of your choice. I am done with being treated like a lesser being.

Hand him his testicles on a plate.

OP looking after 3 children is a full time job- maybe your DH should try it for a couple of months. Or try hiring a nanny who also does all the housework and laundry and cooking- and let him work out whether he can afford you!!
I was a SAHM for 8 years and DH never raised his voice to me or attempted to play the "I'm providing the carcass, you clean the bloody cave" card- even when we were knee deep in little bits of fish finger, glitter in the carpet and unwashed laundry.
You deserve better. So do your children. You are doing a job- a priceless job, and an exhausting one. If he is too idle to put his own clean, ironed clothes away then he needs a serious reality check. And he owes you a massive apology. And a change of attitude.

crisscross if being a sahp isn't a job then why does childcare cost so fucking much?

Op, you know he was out of order. You know this is not a healthy relationship, for you or your children.

Think long and hard about what you want in the future. Do you want to be with a man who treats you like a servant/slave and even if you ever went back to work would no doubt expect you to still put his bloody washing away?

Or would you prefer to live on your own with the three children where you can have as much time as you want to do things knowing you won't get shouted at for not doing things when someone else thinks they should be done.

Have a serious think about it. Don't waste time on a man who gives you nothing but erodes your self-esteem to the point that you are doubting yourself.

Being sworn at is not the norm! or acceptable .Please trust us on that.

the issue here is not one of the location of his washing but his aggressive behaviour...made muchworse as it is in front of DCs.

If this is recurring as you mentioned op, l am sorry to say you are better off without him.

Your poor Dcs must have been really scared to hear him yelling and swearing at mummy....they will remember and how will you explain it when they are older?

So sorry it is so horrible for you.

I doubt it is the right thing to do but I would probably have shouted back until he stormed out and then stuck a sliding bolt on both doors. He could sleep on the fucking doorstep for all I cared. I can understand him being pissed off with you leaving them on the wardrobe floor. Surely if you don't have time to put them away you could leave them on the bed for him to deal with. But if DP ever spoke to me like that...well I like to think he is a bit more attached to his knackers than that. Seriously op, LTB, you have enough on your hands parenting the actual children, you don't need another one.

You provide for him too, you provide full time childcare so he can work without paying for it.

It sounds like just the kind of thing my (abusive) ex would say. Eventually I got out but just wasn't able to leave the first time something like that happened as so many pp have said they'd do, it is difficult when you're conditioned to accept it.

But please, don't put up with it. You are worth so much more and from what you describe, you're doing an amazing job. He should be thanking you for all that you do.

Agree with (just about) everyone else

The way he is treating you is neither normal or acceptable

Fuck that!
He sounds a complete prick.

OP, time to leave. So, you're doing absolutely everything and he provides a bit of cash? Great! He can move the fuck out and provide that cash from a distance. And you'll actually have less work to do with his stupid washing out of the way. Imagine doing all the work you actually do but then instead of silent treatment you relax with your feet up and a nice glass of wine. He's a prick. Don't let your children grow up to be like him.

Criss, I'm willing to bet you don't have children. If you do, I'm willing to bet you have no idea how to look after them properly yourself. Taking care of children properly leaves very little time for housework. Decent men (and women) understand this.

totalrecall
Not putting her oh's washing away isnt 'not doing the cleaning' ffs which thread did you read? He is an adult, she had 3 kids to bath and put to bed, putting his own sodding washing away is hardly a mountain of chores left for him to do.

Criscross
In what universe is leaving your oh to put his OWN washing away when there isnt actually room for all his stuff anyway, "doing a crap job"

So if everything was Aok except that she would still be doing a crap job.

She should leave the kids to bath themselves and put his sodding washing away instead? I leave the kids washing on their beds for them to put away! FFS he is an adult, she isnt his skivvy.

If this is how he talks to you over washing whats he like the rest of the time OP?

Thanks everyone who's responded. I wish I could reply to you all personally.

I'm feeling very emotional this evening about how I've got myself in this position. Despite the shouting etc, the kids ADORE him. They will be devastated if he leaves but seriously no I can't deal with this shit anymore. It's degrading, humiliating and most importantly, my children can't be brought up to think this is normal.

shadow

Nobody deserves to be treated like that, you deserve so much better you really do.

I think you at least have a great support network here now to help you through this in the best way for you. Mumsnet is very supportive in situations like this.

OP, I understand having shouting and swearing as the norm. As a child, I quite sincerely thought that all dads regularly screamed at all mums, calling them shitbrain, piece of shit and so on. I never understood why I got into trouble at school for calling other children fucking cunts or shit for brains. I really, really get where you are coming from.

But it really is not normal. It really is not acceptable. And it really is abusive. And if your husband is anything like my father, the relationship with the kids will be fine as long as they are small and biddable and do what he says and accept his foul temper as normal. But then they will grow up and start questioning him, answering back, not always deferring. And then he will start screaming and swearing at them too, and perhaps slapping, kicking, punching, throwing things and threatening to murder them on a regular basis. And blaming them, of course. And I'd bet my house that a daughter will cop it worse than any sons.

I never, ever, ever, EVER in my life knew a man who spoke to his partner like that while remaining civil and respectful and decent to any children who were old enough to question it, and him. Never. Ever. These bastards don't change but by God they grind you down and gaslight you into accepting this as normal.

Please do not let that happen to your kids. I can vouch for the lifelong damage it does.

Shadow
You are absolutely right, this cannot go on for anyones sake.
You cant put up with being abused and you cant let your kids grow up thinking this is normal.

Stay strong, you need to make him see you arent his verbal punchbag anymore.

You will get lots of supoprt on here, keep posting.

OP do you have any family close by? Or close friends? Is there anyone who can help talk you through this IRL while you work out how to move forward? Because whether you let him stay or chuck him out you are dealing with a bully on the one hand and three tiny vulnerable children on the other- please get as much support as you can.

No way. Being a stay at home mum does not mean you do everything and he does nothing - not even put his own clothes away, TF?

He does work hours in the office. During that time you run the house and look after the kids. At 6 when he gets in your square, from then it should be 50/50 being a sahm mum doesn't mean you do 14 hours days and he does nothing.

Ask him for a cleaner, if he says no scream 'what the fuck youre supposed to provide for us! Thats YOUR fucking job,'

Do you really need to ask?

Oh sweetheart, I just want to scoop you up in a big hug. What a fucking bellend.

Of course you're emotional, this is the very worst time to be spoken to like shit, someone who loved you would never want to make you feel like this :(

Wheres the good people in your life? Mum? Sister?

Please contact Women's Aid. Please cover your tracks, hide this thread etc and decide what you want to do about this after talking to someone who is a professional.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

What would be my course of action? A divorce.