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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what would your course of action be if this happened...

139 replies

Shadow1986 · 05/09/2016 19:07

Obviously long back story of similar arguments...

Bathing my children when DH starts shouting at me because instead of putting his clean washing away, I have put his in a pile on the floor in our walk in wardrobe - reason being 1. I have 3 children including 10 wk old baby and drowning in housework, 2. He has so many clothes I always struggle to find a home for everything.

I said he could do it himself, he screamed 'your a fucking housewife, do your your fucking job!' - this was in front of children.

so should I be putting away his washing? He does provide for me...answers please.

OP posts:
Ginoholic · 05/09/2016 20:11

Wow OP, what was your reaction?
That is beyond disrespectful and absolutely disgusting that he projected his views in front of your children. You need to have a serious chat at the very least but I'm not sure I could stay with somebody who thought so little of me.
For what it's worth, I only have 1 child and another on the way - I actually go to work for a break! Looking after kids is bloody hard work and when I'm at home I very much struggle with keeping on top of all the housework as well as looking after a toddler. Difference is, my DH doesn't give a shit and we work together to do it. Your husband is a disgrace.

Mypurplecaravan · 05/09/2016 20:11

What a twat. Even if you had both previously agreed that as sahm you would be responsible for all his washing (why would you? You're not his mum! ) as well as all the other chores..... even then. If he is unhappy with how well you are fulfilling your side of the bargain, the correct response is adult conversation.

It is not to return and swear at you in front of the children.

But then again, if he were a half decent partner he would not expect you to do all home chores when you have a new baby let alone two other children who need looking after

Twatbadger

yeOldeTrout · 05/09/2016 20:11

My gut feeling is a great big fat Mega LTB, but don't do anything when you're feeling emotional.

I couldn't care less about whether the housework is done or my house is 'lovely'. But I guess my DH knows that & that I would view him with contempt if he spoke to me like OP's DH spoke to her.

george1020 · 05/09/2016 20:16

I think you need to sit down and have a long hard think about why you are with this man.

Sorry OP but he sounds awful.

EweAreHere · 05/09/2016 20:21

Your job is is to look after the children and baby while he's at work; everything else, if you get to it, is a bonus. And once he's home, he should be doing half of what's left. Your job is not 24/7 while his is (eg) 8-6.

He is so over the line. Outrageous. And what kind of message is that to send to your children?

Honestly, I would tell him that a repeat would have me seeking legal advice re splitting up, it is that disrespectful.

OhMrBadger · 05/09/2016 20:23

Appalling and utterly unacceptable way to talk to you. Please don't for one second think that he has grounds to speak to you like that.

I'm a SAHP. I was made redundant 4 years ago. DH had just started a new, higher paid job in the city which involves long hours and a fair bit of travel. I was already struggling to cope with work, the DCs and housework so the redundancy was actually a relief.

The DCs are now at school so I have the days to myself. An absolute privilege. However, my being at home means that DH can work all the hours he needs, travel if necessary, go out after work, enjoy his hobbies etc etc without any tricky childcare arrangements. I facilitate this: he could not have that lifestyle without me being at home parenting our children.

We are mutually grateful for allowing the other to live a particular lifestyle. We both decided to have DCs and we both need to accept responsibility for all that that decision entails.

ShebaShimmyShake · 05/09/2016 20:24

Presumably he thinks screaming, "You're a fucking accountant/salesperson/bus driver/receptionist, do your fucking job" in front of colleagues would be acceptable at a more formal workplace? No?

There's no way this came out of the blue, OP. He'll have been a disgusting, disrespectful, rotten, entitled, despotic little shitbag many times long ere now. God knows why you've had three kids with this pig but once the dust has settled with the new one, consider whether being treated like this forever is the life you want or the relationship you'd like to model to your children. I don't care how much he earns or how many hours he works, being the breadwinner doesn't mean he's purchased you.

Are you allowed to scream and swear at him in front of the kids if he doesn't earn enough?

(I was brought up with a father who was always screaming and swearing at my mother. Naturally he turned violent as I got older. Do not make your kids become me.)

Ginkypig · 05/09/2016 20:24

Iv not read much more than your opening post but wanted to say

This sentence
your a fucking housewife, just do your fucking job
Would be the end of our marriage!

I'm disgusted that you were spoken to in front of your children like that for any reason but over a pile of clean washing.

Trooperslane · 05/09/2016 20:25

Fuck me.

Is it 1950 again?

So sorry he's being such a prick OP - and your wee one is so wee :(

Trifleorbust · 05/09/2016 20:27

I just keep re-reading that sentence: your a fucking housewife, just do your fucking job

Shock
Haffdonga · 05/09/2016 20:28

Never ever put away his clothes or any adult's clothes away ever again. It is so demeaning. You are not a servant or a slave. Other housework can be shared but every adult is capable of putting their own socks in their own sock drawer. To expect someone else to do it is humiliating and totally lacking respect.

Just don't. Please. Sad

Italiangreyhound · 05/09/2016 20:31

Shadow clearly it's not a job. If my boss shouted at me and swore at me like that in front of my colleagues I would literally walk out of the room. I would find his superior and tell him or her what had happened.

So he is being unreasonable, of course, and rude, arrogant and I really really hope now he is sitting down in front of your kids and explaining why he lost his temper with mummy, and how wrong it is.

If you have a son I hope he is not ingesting that this is how men speak to women, women they love, women they have children with , women they are married to, any woman ever.

I really hope this is a one off and he will recover his sense and apologise, as I say in front of kids. If not you need to make sure he sees how wrong this is.

But I am worried this may be more of a pattern of behaviour leading up to this, and if this is the case you need to address it. Please, please look after yourself.

nicenewdusters · 05/09/2016 20:36

I think the polite response to that would have been: "You're a fucking adult, pick your own fucking clothes up".

He sounds revolting.

Kitkatandcake · 05/09/2016 20:38

Hahaha love the comment further up about not doing a satisfactory job as a SAHP. It's a good job my DH has low standards and a high tolerance. I have 2 small children, 1 disabled and my poor DH comes home to overflowing sinks, laundry everywhere, toys everywhere, and 2 small well loved and entertained children. If he spoke to me in such a horrible way I'd have to politely head on vacation for the week and see how spotless the house is when I return. I don't put my DH clothes away and leave them piled for him to do. He never does so I just wait until the pile naturally ends up worn and ready to wash again. Life is too short to stress about such BS.

bluechilli47 · 05/09/2016 20:41

Get some contraceptive then start planning how you're going to leave the arsehole or chuck him out. I would have left as soon as I could have got the bags packed, without saying a word. No one deserves to be spoken to or treated like that. Does he speak to other people like that?

MaddyHatter · 05/09/2016 20:42

i would throw his clothes out of the window into the garden and i would pack mine and the kids stuff and leave. I would also tell him to go fuck himself.

How fucking dare he? Angry

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 05/09/2016 20:43

I doubt that was a one off

What else is there op?

Cocklodger · 05/09/2016 20:47

YABU not to have smacked him in the mouth and walked the fuck out there and then!!
I'm off work at the moment (using up my annual leave before I leave) and I get everything done with some difficulty even though DH is a fussy bugger so re does it all
you missed one chore, out of them all, which he should really be doing anyway and you have 3 kids one of which is under 3 months old.
You fucking saint OP. big pat on the back for you!! LTB though. pronto. Disrespectful cunt.
I'm so angry for you OP

Italiangreyhound · 05/09/2016 20:49

If this is a one off he should be contrite!

Is he?

If he has he been saying mean things gradually, not so loudly, not so sweary and not in front of the kids, for a while, this sounds like a progression - or rather a regression.

KayTee87 · 05/09/2016 20:52

I'm on maternity leave with a 5 week old baby who screamed all day, I didn't even shower let alone do housework.
My husband got in from work, took the baby out for a walk while i had a relaxing bath, then he prepared dinner and cleaned the kitchen afterwards, he's just sat down now after leaving the house at 7am and has offered to look after the baby over night while I sleep in another room.
If he had spoken to me the way your husband has spoken to you I think I'd leave him.

Happyhippy45 · 05/09/2016 20:54

I've been through similar with DH. He'd get back from work and nit pick and complain about stuff I hadn't done. Sometimes in a not very respectful way like saying "What have you been doing all day the place is a shit hole!"
I was a SAHP. My "job" was everything apart from have a full time job out of the home. Childcare, cooking, cleaning, laundry, doing the garden, admin, DIY, take the bins out, grocery shopping and whatever else needed done to run the house.
I was actually happy to do all this. (Along with volunteering/low paid jobs at the school which took up 20hrs a week.) because I was super mumEventually I had enough of his nit picking. Massive row. Resolved by him reaching the understanding that I treated my job as an actual job. I had schedules for doing things but sometimes it wasn't possible to complete every task I wanted to. He agreed that if he saw a job needing done that I hadn't gotten round to he could a)offer to help as I would appreciate it or b)shut his mouth and not complain.
Being a SAHP is one of the most under appreciated jobs in the world IMO.

Liara · 05/09/2016 20:54

You have a 10 week old.

In any job you would be on maternity leave. If housework is your job, then you are perfectly entitled to take the first six months of a new baby off.

Dh and I work together from home. Whenever I have had a new baby, he has done absolutely everything while I adjusted to the new baby.

Only after the first six months/ a year did I ever go back to doing anything else around the house.

And that is accepting his ridiculous premise that putting his clothes away is your job.

Damselindestress · 05/09/2016 20:55

Wow he has really shown his true colours and shown what he thinks of you. If you want to stay with him (and I would not blame you at all for wanting to LTB) you need to have a serious conversation with him about your respective roles. You stay home to look after the children, not to fetch and carry after a grown man!

Original poster
Shadow1986 · 05/09/2016 20:59

My reaction was basically asking him if he realised how much of a bully that made him sound, told him he was vile - and asked him what he thought he was teaching our daughter for when she was older and married. Would he like her to be treated like that. I said he was pathetic the way he was carrying on over clothes. I did shout, I was livid. After lots of swearing and slamming doors he went out. Now home and the silent treatment has started.

Yes there has been numerous arguments before. Similar content. Am at breaking point. So is he, clearly.

Although I do know it's wrong, my only other relationship other than my marriage was with a similar kind of person so I guess it's just what I've always been used to since being a teenager. Not trying to sound like a victim like he would say, am just pointing out being sworn at etc is the norm to me, where as I can see from your replies it's not to others.

Thanks all for being kind.

OP posts:
Atenco · 05/09/2016 21:01

I don't know if I am more outraged by your husband or by crisscross, but I wouldn't be having either of them knowingly in my social circle, let alone closer.

I only ever had one ten-week-old baby and that was fun, but hard work.

Crisscross, what did your last slave die of?