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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what would your course of action be if this happened...

139 replies

Shadow1986 · 05/09/2016 19:07

Obviously long back story of similar arguments...

Bathing my children when DH starts shouting at me because instead of putting his clean washing away, I have put his in a pile on the floor in our walk in wardrobe - reason being 1. I have 3 children including 10 wk old baby and drowning in housework, 2. He has so many clothes I always struggle to find a home for everything.

I said he could do it himself, he screamed 'your a fucking housewife, do your your fucking job!' - this was in front of children.

so should I be putting away his washing? He does provide for me...answers please.

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 05/09/2016 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dailyarsewipe · 05/09/2016 19:47

He's acted like a twat and when the kids are in bed I would tell him that.

In a similar situation (but no shouting and complaining), I refused to put any of DHs clothes in a wardrobe or drawer until he had thrown some away. Just put them in a pile in the bottom of the wardrobe (he still didn't throw anything away for at least 18 months but at least I didn't have to put them away).

cavkc123 · 05/09/2016 19:47

I am not a SAHM, I have it very easy and just do the SAH bit minus the kids!

I know how extremely fortunate I am that I don't have to work financially and yes I consider it to be part of my responsibilities, rather than 'job' to run the house.

BUT, even though I have a cleaner 7 hours a week DH would never dream of criticising anything, at worst he might say 'when you have time could you ....'

His salary goes straight into our joint bank account and whilst some would view me as being a kept woman, which I am in many ways, we are a team and it suits our joint lifestyle for me not to work, but it's still not 'my job'

I would be absolutely furious ... I'd pile all his clothes into the middle of his wardrobe and tell him to sort them out himself.

I take my hat of to you and he should be bloody grateful for everything you DO for him rather than having a go at you and especially using that language in front of your little ones.

eightbluebirds · 05/09/2016 19:47

Crisscross, that's utterly ridiculous. Most people in paid employment are on maternity leave with a 10 week old baby. It doesn't mean everything around the house is then their job! OP has a 10 week old baby AND two other children, it's perfectly acceptable for her not to be fucking superwoman.

OP YANBU, That's a disgusting way for him to speak to you and a grown man can put him own clothes away fgs

isitseptemberyet · 05/09/2016 19:48

has he apologised since ?
If this is typical to the way he speaks to you and thinks that's ok you should really kick his ass out

WhooooAmI24601 · 05/09/2016 19:48

Spout whatever shite you like, CrissCross but at least own your revolting nonsense rather than saying that only SAHP's would agree. It's bullshit; I work full time and agree that the OP's job is being a SAHP while her DH gets to swan in and out and treat her like shit. You're only trying to generalise to try and strengthen your pathetic point (which you clearly know is bollocks, or you wouldn't need to try and make out that everyone agrees).

OP, your DH had no right to speak to you like that, regardless of where your DCs were. I'd be leaving his washing in the laundry baskets from now on to stay filthy til he got off his arse and washed them himself. And the clean ones I'd probably pop in the dogs bed.

SAHP or not you are his equal. You have as much right to be treated properly as he does. Don't let him fool you into thinking that SAHP's are worthless. He'd probably last four seconds doing the constant round of childcare, chores and general organisation you do on a daily basis come rain or shine with no sick pay, no holiday, no respite. He should be bloody thankful he came home to clean clothes and a healthy family.

nickelbabe · 05/09/2016 19:50

My main question is how many hours a week does he work?
I'm guessing about 40?
Then if your job is housewife, you also should work at it 40 hours a week.

Any work required outside of that should be done equally between you.
Like normal people with brains.

AnotherDayInParadiseLost · 05/09/2016 19:50

I think you need to wait until he has calmed down and the children are asleep and have a proper talk with him. You need to explain to him:

  1. whatever the circumstances it is not OK for him to talk to you like that
  2. whatever the circumstances it is not OK for him to talk to you like that in front of the children
  3. that you have a 10 week old, and however lovely a 10 week old is, with two older children as well during school holidays, there is not always the chance to do all the housework
  4. that a baby has immediate needs that are way way more important than the correct shelving of his socks
  5. that you expect respect, and understanding
  6. maybe it is time to get a cleaner for a while
MammouthTask · 05/09/2016 19:52

I think he should be REALLY grateful for what you are doing already.

You have a 10 weeks old baby. Just that is a full time job, let alon with two others dcs in the mix.
You are doing EVERYTHING around the house bar tidying his clothes.
In my book, you're a saint and I have never done as much as that when I was a SAHM. My motto was 'I look after the children, not after the house'!!

As for shouting at you, shouting in front of the dcs like this, insulting you etc... well no that's not acceptable either.
Who dioes he think he is? Your boss?
Probably not actually, your boss wouldn't have dare talking to you like this!

MrsBobDylan · 05/09/2016 19:52

Op, he provides for you, but he doesnt own you. The way he's behaved wouldn't have been out of place in a slave/master scenario. He's a fucking dick.

0SometimesIWonder · 05/09/2016 19:52

Blimey Op !
If my husband spoke to me like that he'd wake up tomorrow morning minus what little balls he had.

Thetruthfairy · 05/09/2016 19:52

Absolutely gobsmacked at some posters ideas about stay at home parents.
I have three kids, the youngest is a few weeks old. I am 'working' during night as well as during the day keeping my youngest thriving. This is all my dh cares about, sod the house chores.
Any posters who have told you that you need to sort yourself out have clearly never been in your situation. Ignore those posts.
You really need to talk to your dh xx

MammouthTask · 05/09/2016 19:53

And the biggest issue for me there is THE TOTAL LACK OF RESPECT he showing you.

That, in itself, is completely and utterly unacceptable.
As well as as the lack of recognition for the work you are doing etc tec of course.

The next question of course is, apart from 'providing' for the money, does he add anything else nice to your life?

Happyinthehazeofadrunkenhour · 05/09/2016 19:53

Bloody hell! I agree with whoever said to fling his belongings out of the window!! How disgusting and disrespectful to speak to you like that. And crisscross, what a weird response !!

Comejointhemurder · 05/09/2016 19:55

He's a twat. Don't have any more children with him.

Trifleorbust · 05/09/2016 19:55

Oh my god, that is disgusting. LTB. I mean it.

Gazelda · 05/09/2016 19:59

Does he give you 'housekeeping' money too, as your pay for being a housewife?

Bastardshittits · 05/09/2016 19:59

Honestly? I'd tell him to get to fuck. I'd stop washing his clothes and start making plans to leave.

HoppityFrogs · 05/09/2016 19:59

He's a fucking idiot.

Pikawhoo · 05/09/2016 20:01

Totally unacceptable.

You shouldn't be doing his washing, you should be considering whether your relationship has a future. He has just sworn at you, in front of your children, and treated you like a skivvy. And even if you've got some kind of arrangement where you do the washing normally, and he does other stuff around the house (and I hope he does!), you have a 10-week old baby!

Has he behaved like this before?

GiddyOnZackHunt · 05/09/2016 20:01

You're a sahp. The p stands for parent. You do the parenting while he works out of the home.

You are not a stay at home maid of all work.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 05/09/2016 20:02

Is this king of wankery typical, or just an isolated outburst? Either way he was wrong, but if it's just a snappy comment at the end of a stressful day, that would be different to if this was his typical attitude.

puglife15 · 05/09/2016 20:09

Utterly nasty and unacceptable.

The fact that he's said similar before would mean this is a deal breaker for me.

happy2bhomely · 05/09/2016 20:09

I'm a housewife/SAHM. We have 5dc.

In our home, it is split like this.

DH works 6 days a week. Including travel, he is out of the house 70-75 hours a week., most weeks. He tidies the garden and does half of the diy. He doesn't do any housework. He is responsible for cleaning up any vomiting incidents. He drags the wheelie bins out to the road once a week. He makes me coffee every morning and gets up with the kids on a Sunday while I lie in. He plays with the children and looks after them without complaint any time I want an evening or day to myself, which is quite oftenWink

I home educate 2 of our dc. One is preschool age, 2 are in secondary school. I have done all night feeds and 95% of the nappies and bathing. I do all housework, with the children cleaning up after themselves as much as I've taught them to. I do half of the diy and most of the gardening. I do all the admin, appointments, parent evenings, after school clubs , homework etc. I do all of the cooking.

I do not do his laundry. I do not pick up after him. I do not do his family's birthday cards and Christmas presents. I do not make his dental/doctor appointments. I do do his admin. He is dyslexic and finds it really difficult.

I do make him a cup of tea before bed.

I am very happy with this arrangement, as is he.

If he spoke to me the way your DH spoke to you, I would be considering if I wanted to stay married to him. Your DH sounds like a dickhead.

hungryhippo90 · 05/09/2016 20:10

OP, if you have a few spare hours, do sit down, figure out what childcare would cost for the three children, from the minute he leaves the house till he returns,
Also factor in what it would cost to have the washing you do, and ironing done at the launderette (you know the washes where they do it, and it ends up folded/hanging)
Then factor in what a cleaner would cost for the hours that you Clean.
Then figure out what min wage would be for the hours you spend cooking dinner for him.
Add it all up, and confront him with the figures, of what your job would tally up-to in actual wages if you were out of the house doing these things, or if he had to pay someone else....then tell him that he's going to find himself paying that amount of he ever speaks to you in that manner again, as you'll be going back to work...whilst you are at it, kick him in the bollocks.

He's a twat