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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what would your course of action be if this happened...

139 replies

Shadow1986 · 05/09/2016 19:07

Obviously long back story of similar arguments...

Bathing my children when DH starts shouting at me because instead of putting his clean washing away, I have put his in a pile on the floor in our walk in wardrobe - reason being 1. I have 3 children including 10 wk old baby and drowning in housework, 2. He has so many clothes I always struggle to find a home for everything.

I said he could do it himself, he screamed 'your a fucking housewife, do your your fucking job!' - this was in front of children.

so should I be putting away his washing? He does provide for me...answers please.

OP posts:

SpaceUnicorn · 05/09/2016 19:25

so should I be putting away his washing? He does provide for me...answers please.

Is this for real?!

JessicasCrocodile · 05/09/2016 19:25

And I'm not a sahp, I work full time and manage to do chores!

FetchezLaVache · 05/09/2016 19:25

Not "helping you" with the kids. Doing parenting!!

He's an arse, my love. I left my ExH for using broadly similar vocabulary to me in front of DS (and the fact that you're a SAHM and I was the sole breadwinner doesn't make it any different at all- it basically boils down to a lack of respect).

I felt that I wasn't going to allow my son to grow up with that kind of relationship dynamic being modelled to him.

harderandharder2breathe · 05/09/2016 19:27

You have a 10 week old baby plus 2 other children. You've washed and ironed his clothes, and were bathing the children when he shouted and swore at you in front of them. Yadnbu, he's a prick

Those saying a sahp isn't a job, maybe not when all children are school age, but when it's the summer holidays and one child is a 10 week old infant totally dependent on its patents for everything, I think it definitely is harder work than most jobs!

imwithspud · 05/09/2016 19:27

But ready to be flamed I really struggle with SAHP who choose to run their home/family as a job and then complain when their partner moans if they do a crap job. Is he fed up with coming home to housework? I would be if my DH didn't work.

Did you miss the part where op stated that she has 3 children, including a very new 10 week old? I'd imagine she's very tired, possibly still recovering from child birth, hormones all over the place, getting to know her new baby as well as ensuring the older 2 have their needs met on top of trying to keep on top of housework. Her dh is being unreasonable regardless of the above but I think it's fair that she be cut a bit of slack. I doubt she's been sitting on her arse sipping tea and watching Loose Woman. Your post smacks of lack of understanding and does nothing but add to the devaluing of the role of the stay at home parent that is so prevalent in society.

Surely anyone with half a brain can understand that sometimes, as a parent (stay at home or working) it's just impossible to get everything done. I am a sahp with 2 young dc. I so my best but I'm not superwoman. sometimes my dp even has to fold laundry - poor bloke. In all seriousness I would be fuming if my dp spoke to me in this way. Op you need to nip this kind of thing in the bud.

booellesmum · 05/09/2016 19:27

It is not acceptable to swear at you.
It is not acceptable to swear in front of the children.
It is not acceptable to expect you to be on top of it all with 3 kids.
You need to take a deep breath and tell him what you expect from him - understanding, help and above all respect.

HaPPy8 · 05/09/2016 19:28

😮he's bang out of order. He sounds horrible.

Original poster

Shadow1986 · 05/09/2016 19:29

Space unicorn - yes I'm being real. Obviously I know the answer. But right now I think I would benefit from hearing from other people.

OP posts:

Choceeclair123 · 05/09/2016 19:31

I feel so angry reading this thread OP. He needs knocking straight out

Mybugslife · 05/09/2016 19:32

Geez it's not like she's left the house in a state...she didn't put his washing away....still washed it and ironed it and flooded it up....as well as all the other washing and all the other household chores.

WinchesterWoman · 05/09/2016 19:33

"You're a fucking housewife do your job"
Really?
Yes my course of action would be the long goodbye. Ducks in order then take a very strong line in housework sharing. If he fails to share the burden with an improved and loving attitude I would be ready for trial separation.

That's very bad and he sounds almost irredeemable.

MrTCakes · 05/09/2016 19:35

He should be grateful that you even do his washing for him, the gobsite.

Pettywoman · 05/09/2016 19:36

Do you tell him how to do his job? Does he ever leave aspects of his job in his in tray until the next day? Is everything he does perfect? Tell him to get to fuck.

totalrecall1 · 05/09/2016 19:37

Not a particular great way to broach it I agree, he was out of order - but I don't agree that being a SAHP means your only job is looking after the children. I think it means that you are a housewife and should be doing the cleaning etc. Sorry

PepsiPenguin · 05/09/2016 19:37

Being a SAHP is not paid employment so yes it is not a job". A job would also mean sick leave, weekends or days off, 20 odd days annual leave, the evening to sit with her feet up watching telly.

So crisscross is absolutely right it's not a job. It's often a lifestyle choice by couples that one will stay home to raise DC and do household chores to make it easier for the other to go and do a "job" that benefits the entire family unit.

So not a job but it's certainly work and if your taking on the role of full time child minder, super cleaner, launderette and chef it's hard, boring work. Add in 3 children one of which is only 10 weeks old then it's a miracle the OP actually managed to do the washing.

Your married to an arsehole OP, I'm sorry but you are and if he dared to speak in that tone to anyone in his company I expect he would get a big ticking off. Utterly disgusting behaviour.

If my DP dared to speak to me like that, let alone in front of children we would be having a very serious discussion about roles and responsibilities and our future.

So angry on your behalf

Patsy99 · 05/09/2016 19:37

Surely you quit work to look after your children, not to become a housekeeper?

Did you do all the housework before children?

I'd make very clear you are his domestic servant and you expect the childcare you do to be appreciated.

Patsy99 · 05/09/2016 19:38

NOT his domestic servant . . .

kaputt · 05/09/2016 19:39

Isn't it, the stay at home parent does the kid minding in the day and maybe some housework if there's time, same as anyone who's in the house does, and the working parent, when they're in the house ALSO does some housework, if it needs done? Isn't that the rule? Or am I insane

yumyumlama · 05/09/2016 19:40

I have only one child and I have no idea how I could look after more! You are doing a superb job and your DH needs a dose of reality to truly appreciate this. You do need to have a serious conversation during which I hope he will apologise and treat you as you truly deserve!

PepsiPenguin · 05/09/2016 19:41

total in a "job" if your workload is genuinely crushing you, you prioritise, you don't always meet deadlines and if it is too much to bear you get support from colleges. You don't get shouted at "your fucking useles you haven't done your tasks for today" or at least good employers don't do this.

You also get evenings, weekends, sick days and annual leave.

Being a SAHP does not equal SLAVE. The OP's husband is not her boss he is her husband he should be supporting her.

Original poster

Shadow1986 · 05/09/2016 19:41

Total recall - I do, do the cleaning, and the shopping, and the cooking, and the tidying up after dinner, and the dishwasher, All the hoovering - it's just his clothes that I don't always put away because it's never really my priority seeing as he's an adult and can do it himself, and because he has so many clothes that there isn't really enough space to put everything away so I leave it to him to figure out.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 05/09/2016 19:41

If that's all you left him to do then he should count himself lucky, OP. But whatever the situation, he should not have shouted at you like that, shouldn't have used language like that and shouldn't have done anything like that in front of the children. Awful behaviour.

And would he speak to his juniors at work like that if they hadn't done something?

Mybugslife · 05/09/2016 19:42

I could understand people's point re. cleaning/housewife ''duties'' if the OP had said she does nothing, no chores, no cleaning etc etc but all it was was not putting his washing away....she's not making him wash all the dirty dishes and Hoover the house etc it's putting a few clothes in a wardrobe!!!

Patsy99 · 05/09/2016 19:42

Kaputt - my rule exactly.

EtTuTuttiFrutti · 05/09/2016 19:45

Shadow. You should have put it away.

In a lovely big suitcase, with all his many other clothes.

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