to ask for advice about what to do here - family related

[Pecena]

Dsis, DM and I live hundreds of miles from each other. Dsis and I are both married, have jobs and have DC who are about the same age. DM is a widow and lives on her own.

DM is about to have an operation and she'll need a lot of help afterwards. Her recovery will take months but she really needs one of us with her full time for the first few weeks. After that, extended family who live local to her will be able to take over giving help with shopping, etc.

Dsis agrees that she needs help but is being vague about what she'll commit to doing. She has put off speaking about it for weeks, and I just let it go (we are not close). However, now the operation is imminent and she's still ignoring my email, texts etc.

I've said in an email that I'll be flexible about which half I do, but I think this is not what she wants to hear. What she wants - I think - is to do about 3 or 4 days and leave me to cover the rest, which will really cause me big problems.

Having DM come to me isn't an option as my house isn't suitable for her and she won't be able to travel after the operation anyway.

I don't want to leave DM when she still needs help but I don't know what else I can do?

In fact she's told her DM she will help, she offered this first and op said she would too, assured DM they'd do it between them.

The OP did say that - and now the OP is saying that in order to fulfil the assurance she gave their mother (that they'd do it between them), she expects her DSis to commit at a level that she, the OP, dictates.

OP, you gave an implied assurance to your mother that you would cover the time your sister couldn't. You didn't know how much time your DSis was able to commit when you said that. You assumed.

You have subsequently decided that you can only commit to 50% of the care herself, even though you have no idea how much time your DSis is able or willing to commit.

So you are expecting your DSis to commit to the other 50% of the time, in order not to appear to be backing out of the assurance you gave your mother.

Your dsis said she'd help. You say that your DSis has helped in the past. But the level of her commitment has not been satisfactory to you.

I'm not seeing the same golden child/scapegoat dynamic at play that you say exists.

What would happen if your sis can't take time off work? I don't think my work would let me

hat the OP has said upthread that her DSis has said her boss will let her work from home.

However, OP, you have also made some assumptions about your DSis life being identical to your own, and dismissed/minimised reasons she has given in the past for being unable to commit to more time. You have even speculated about the "trivial" reason your DSis will give to leave your mother earlier than you wish her to, should you persuade her to fulfil the duty you believe she has this time.

This is one of those threads I would love to hear from the other person's point of view.

I find this thread frustrating on a number of levels. It's full of assumptions and expectations. People are not what you expect them to be and they cannot be like you. It seems your sister is uncomfortable discussing this? Do you always put pressure on her? Reading OPs thread I found it irritable! You do what you can, it's not a competition of who remembers what! Just tell your sister what you can do and then tell your mother the same. They can then sort the rest out between themselves OR ask your sister if she can't cover the rest to find a carer for your mother. Plus how can your sister work from home and be a carer?!

how can your sister work from home and be a carer?

My sister thinks she can do this. She suggested it.

I'll do the same and this is how I'll do it: I'll get the laptop out and put it on the table. I'll make Mum a cup of tea and give her a book or put the tv on or whatever and then I'll do some work. If Mum wants or needs something, she can ask and then I'll get up from the table and go and do it for her. If I need to make a phone call, then I'll use my mobile.
It won't be nearly effective as full time working but it will be better than nothing.

What those posters who are criticising me seem to be overlooking is that my sister volunteered, and tbh, she should have known what she was letting herself in for - time required excepted - because this time is not the first that Mum has been ill and required us both to come and look after her. (I think i alluded to this upthread).

I speculate about why DSis might say she has to be home but its based on the sort of thing she has said at other times, not just something I dreamed up out of thin air.

And Dsis loves her golden child status, or at least she manipulates DM to make sure that there is no weakening of the status quo. She believes that its her rightful place and mine is the scapegoat. From where I stand, the only downside of being the golden child, is that you risk the scapegoat going NC and you get left looking after elderly parents, and that's obviously not happening here.

I'm not seeing the Golding child/scapegoat dynamic at play that you say exists.

I'm a scapegoat. Golden child could shit on my mother's head and she'd think she'd struck gold.

And op being a golden child is a really shitty place. Because you unaware you're being manipulated, controlled and playing a game. At least as the scapegoat, you know there is a game and can get professional help if you are unable to extricate yourself without outside intervention. The golden child/scapegoat roles between my brother and myself were flipped back and forth in childhood, only for me to be made pretty much permanently scapegoat as a teenager. This was reversed at some stage when I was in my 20's. It felt like a weight was lifted from me. But it came at a hefty price and I slowly realised I actually still couldn't breathe and non compliance was not an option. My GC status didn't last very long and has never been reinstated. I'm feeling so sad for my mother now. She has never known what it was to have children that truly loved her for just being her.

And Dsis loves her golden child status, or at least she manipulates DM to make sure that there is no weakening of the status quo.

A golden child doesn't manipulate their abuser.

The fact that you believe this indicates that you don't really understand the dynamic.

If your mother is as difficult and as abusive as you claim then You and your dsis are both victims.

You really don't see why your dismissal and minimising of your dsis reasons for not being able to care for your DM for as long as you want her to is unreasonable, do you?
Yet, you've said that you yourself only want to care for you mum for a week - because you can't afford longer than that. You have good reasons, yet you won't accept hers.

I feel sorry for OP on this thread.

Both sisters said they could care for DM, both have similar family set ups.
The time has come to organise dates for this care to happen

Of course DSis may not be be able to cover a whole week of care, but as a grown woman who made a commitment to her DM she now has to set the dates (whether 1 day or 7 or more) or else say 'Actually, I cant do it anymore'. Once everyone knows what DSis can/can't do, and OP can do, then they can arrange alternatives for any gaps.

If she keeps leaving it then she risks leaving poor DM in the lurch, which isn't fair. This lack of communication is not helping, and is really unnecessary.

For the pp saying they feel sorry for DSis because OP is expecting her to cover 50% of care, there's nothing stopping DSis from just setting dates and booking flights just as OP is doing, and then saying like it or lump it. She can then help DM to arrange NHS care, or leave it to her if she wishes.

OP your plan sounds good, you can only do what you can do. But I would try to get the whole Golden Child/Scapegoat idea out of your mind- it sounds like its true but will just build up more frustration and negativity in your mind, and you have plenty of that from the situation!

On an elderly parents thread a while back, a few of us were discussing the problem of 'carer refusal'. It's a massive issue, where parents expect adult daughters to look after them and so they refuse paid or provided carers.

I'm the scapegoat and my sister is the golden child. I wouldn't swap with her for anything. Her golden child status and the crushing pressure that comes with it is the reason she sees a psychiatrist! Op if you think being the golden child is all glitter and get out of jail free cards then you need to do more research.

You're clearly very bitter about your sibling dynamic. My mother was when her and her sisters were in your position. I doubt I have to tell you how badly that went. Stop wallowing and expecting other people yo do what you want and start researching proper care options for your mother. Families doing make shift care is very often not a good thing. It's likely to make your already fragile relationships even more strained.

Of course DSis may not be be able to cover a whole week of care, but as a grown woman who made a commitment to her DM she now has to set the dates (whether 1 day or 7 or more) or else say 'Actually, I cant do it anymore'. Once everyone knows what DSis can/can't do, and OP can do, then they can arrange alternatives for any gaps.

The problem is, the OPs communication with her DSis has made it clear that there is an expectation that they will each do half. And it wasn't the DSis who made a commitment to her mum (other then to say 'she'd help'), it was the OP who assured their mum that they would "do it together" but is now putting restrictions on her own availability.

So, yes, a grown woman should be able to say clearly "No, DSis, you're wrong, I can't do a whole week, and I never said I could". But in this type of dynamic, where the mother is prone to being difficult/abusive, and the OP is judgemental about her DSis explainations, it's really no surprise that she's gone NC on this issue.

The fact that you believe this indicates that you don't really understand the dynamic.

No, NNC, the fact that you are attacking the victim shows that you either don't understand the family dynamic or you wish to cause more pain.

Anyway it wasn't me she manipulated, it was DM who had suspended hostilities until Dsis went to work on her.

TBH, I really cannot see why being the one who can do no wrong is such a bad position to be in. The family is dysfunctional, so everyone gets a dysfunctional role which couldn't be as good as a normal role in a functional family, but of the available options, i'd say my Dsis struck gold.
Pros:
Her successes are celebrated and her failures are forgotten instantly.
Anyone who fights with her, must surely be in the wrong and deserves to be punished. That applies both to physical fights in childhood and arguments in adulthood.
If she fails to do something she should, excuses are made and nothing more is said.
Cons:
She risks ending up being an only child de facto if the scapegoat decides enough is enough and goes no contact.
Like every other child in a dysfunctional family, she ends up with a distorted view of herself.

Scapegoat:
Pros:
n/a

Cons:
You fight to have the negative opinion about you overturned, but no matter what you do whether its to argue your case, or prove your worth 1000 times over by behaviour, you will never, ever get away from the criticism
Your mental health is at risk
You have an unhappy childhood

Deep breath - you can do a week. So pick the first week, call your mum, say you can be there for the first week, but can't do longer than that, you know sister said she would help, does mum want to talk to her about the second week or would your mum like you to find a Carer who can move in for the week?

Stop making it your job to sort this.

In the future, assume your sister won't help out, don't make plans involving her.

What about living up to the expectations placed upon her by her scapegoat DSis?

If she fails to do something she should

You believe that she is failing to live up to your high standards - you believe there are things she "should" do and that her values should be the same as yours.

I am not attacking you, I am explaining how the situation looks from the outside. You are the one placing expectations on your DSis. You are the one judging her reasons for not doing what you believe she should. You are the one who are making commitments on her behalf.

Never mind the fact that you are minimising her own experiences (and that of posters who are trying to help you on this thread) - you believe that only you had an unhappy childhood, only your mental health is at risk.

The golden child adults I know live with the guilt of seeing their sibling being unfairly treated while at the same time, fearing the possibility of becoming the scapegoat themselves. Certainly not conductive to positive mental health.

From where I'm standing, being your DSis, whether or not there is a scapegoat/golden child dynamic at play, is certainly not any "less worse" than your own position.

And Until you stop "fighting" to overturn the negative opinion others have of you, you will never be happy.

What about living up to the expectations placed upon her by her scapegoat DSis?

like she cares what I think!

Pecena

It's great that this thread helped you to clarify this situation. You're obviously a duty-bound kind of person, that's to your credit. Good luck to you with your mother.

Acceptance of people as they are, not as you wish they were, is the fountain of familial happiness.

Wow, you have serious issues with your sister. May I suggest that you stop blaming her for everything and actually seek some counselling? This is not healthy.