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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for advice about what to do here - family related

145 replies

Pecena · 04/09/2016 09:06

Dsis, DM and I live hundreds of miles from each other. Dsis and I are both married, have jobs and have DC who are about the same age. DM is a widow and lives on her own.

DM is about to have an operation and she'll need a lot of help afterwards. Her recovery will take months but she really needs one of us with her full time for the first few weeks. After that, extended family who live local to her will be able to take over giving help with shopping, etc.

Dsis agrees that she needs help but is being vague about what she'll commit to doing. She has put off speaking about it for weeks, and I just let it go (we are not close). However, now the operation is imminent and she's still ignoring my email, texts etc.

I've said in an email that I'll be flexible about which half I do, but I think this is not what she wants to hear. What she wants - I think - is to do about 3 or 4 days and leave me to cover the rest, which will really cause me big problems.

Having DM come to me isn't an option as my house isn't suitable for her and she won't be able to travel after the operation anyway.

I don't want to leave DM when she still needs help but I don't know what else I can do?

OP posts:
Gmbk · 04/09/2016 15:08

Also it's your mother's problem to solve. Not yours.

Original poster
Pecena · 04/09/2016 15:14

actually, GMBK I won't say a word to her, and she knows it. It would be like talking to a brick wall.

She should tell DM if she's going to withdraw her offer, but I've changed my mind in the last few hours and realised that this is between her and DM. Not my problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pecena · 04/09/2016 15:15

x-posted! It appears we agree after all!

OP posts:
NNChangeAgain · 04/09/2016 15:24

I am only asking Dsis to do what she volunteered to do

If your DS explicitly said she would provide equal help and support as you would and at least half of everything your DM needs, then she would be going back on her word.

But from what I've read of your posts, she said that she'd help. She probably will - but you made assumptions as to what she meant by that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/09/2016 15:28

Iggi Gmbk yes you are both right it is the mother's responsibility. Not very nice though to have to deal with this on your own whatever your age. I'm imagining her in her 70's or some such and it's nice to have family rally round if they can. Maybe a bit scared of the operation. Or am I projecting?

Original poster
Pecena · 04/09/2016 15:30

NNchange again - she said (to DM) she'd come and look after when she came out of hospital. I spoke to her about it a couple of weeks later and she mentioned how her employer would let her work remotely.

OP posts:
EllaHen · 04/09/2016 15:31

If I were you I would set in stone that you are doing the second week.

Then, it's up to your dm to chase your sister or organise alternative care. Do not step in.

I feel for you but like others on this thread, I would be unable to care for my parents - job, kids, health and because I don't want to sleep walk into a role of being a carer.

My sister once made a comment that she would take Dad and I would take Mum if the need ever arose. I said nothing but thought 'no chance'.

By the way, we have brothers.

LaPampa · 04/09/2016 15:54

I feel for you but it is not your problem to sort. You don't say how old your mother is (I don't think, nor what kind of op) but it is your mother's responsibility to sort her care. You can volunteer to go for dates/time which suit you but it isn't up to you to organise it or take responsibility for your sister.

I've no idea where you live but a blogger I follow stayed here after surgery
www.lynden-hill-clinic.co.uk

Hope it works out well for you and your mother.

NNChangeAgain · 04/09/2016 15:58

she said (to DM) she'd come and look after when she came out of hospital. I spoke to her about it a couple of weeks later and she mentioned how her employer would let her work remotely.

So nothing about a whole week, sharing equally, taking full responsibility between you? I'm not surprised your sis has gone no-contact; if you have expressed your expectations of her the way you have on this thread, I'd be avoiding you too.

MolesBreathless · 04/09/2016 15:58

There in no universal truth that family must care for ailing relatives, and if I'm honest, I think it is often not in the best interests of the relative in question to be cared for my family as opposed to a 'proper' carer.

You are making promises on behalf of your sister, and I think she is being non-committal as she objects (not unreasonably IMO) to you doing this.

If you are caring for her, she won't be allocated a proper care package by SS - as such, you need to be very sure that you alone are able to met all her needs, for the whole time, with no outside help. If you are not able to do this on your own, then you need to step aside and let SS put a care package in place.

Doing some, but not all of the are is potentially the worst thing you can do for your Mum as this will prevent her being able to access the care she needs from SS.

Your DSis is allowed to have an opinion that differs from yours and I think it really quite unreasonable of you and your DMum to force her into the role of carer that she doesn't want.

MolesBreathless · 04/09/2016 16:06

Actually I know the answer to that one - dsis has an image of herself as a good daughter. She said it because it was the right thing to say at the time. However, now that she is being called to make good on her promise, she's suddenly decided that its best to disappear off the radar

That is a really harsh way of viewing the situation...perhaps in the heat of the moment made a commitment that she hadn't thought through properly...have you never don't that?

You do sound determined to see the worst in her, which is probably why she is crisp and unhelpful in her replies to you...

Original poster
Pecena · 04/09/2016 16:15

When we spoke about it, several weeks ago (may have been a couple of months ago), we agreed to share the care.
At that point, neither of us knew how much it was likely to be exactly, but its obviously not something you get over in a couple of days.

We didn't explicitly say "share" meant 50/50, but I think it was reasonable to assume that I wasn't offering to do 80% (say). Maybe others think share means get the other person to do the lion's share?

To be honest, I would have been willing to do an extra day or maybe two if it had helped dsis out, but as she is ignoring me, I'll book my flights for the 7 days and the rest will be up to her and DM to figure out between them.

I imagine what will happen next is dsis will claim that she could've done the second week, but now that she has to do the first week, unfortunately she needs to be back home by Thursday.

OP posts:
NNChangeAgain · 04/09/2016 16:15

she should think its her duty, if she has a value system anything like my own.

Goodness, I've just seen this. Not only do you have expectations on your sister in terms of practical help, you also expect her to think like you?

Couple that which what you've said about your mothers attitude when things don't go all her own way, and I'm not surprised your DSis has decided on minimal contact. It's certainly what I'd suggest if she posted on the Stately Homes thread.

Original poster
Pecena · 04/09/2016 16:16

molesbreathless - no its because I know her extremely well. There's a history between us. She is my sister after all, so I've known her longer than almost everyone else on the planet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pecena · 04/09/2016 16:18

NNChangeAgain - if she was on stately homes, she'd be the golden child.

OP posts:
NNChangeAgain · 04/09/2016 16:23

if she was on stately homes, she'd be the golden child

Which is a horrible place to be.

It sounds as if you are both dealing with an emotionally manipulative mother, but in your attempts to disengage from that yourself, you are projecting your feelings about your mum onto your DSis.

She didn't choose to be the golden child any more than you chose to be the scapegoat. Her way of coping may not suit you, but your can't rely on her as your resolution to the problem you both have.

Scarydinosaurs · 04/09/2016 16:30

I've read the whole thread and I'm baffled by some responses.

Even if your Sister does feel that you're asking too much- she needs to communicate with you and decide what to do for the rest of the time. It isn't ok to just ignore you.

OP have you managed to find some convalescence hospitals nearby and priced up how much it would be to do one week there, and then you can take the second week? I imagine doing it that way round would be easier to sell to your mum.

Hidingtonothing · 04/09/2016 16:44

Not sure if this has been mentioned OP but there will be a 6 week care package available to your DM free of charge. This can be care at home or in an NHS care/convalescence home. I know you've said DM is resistant to having carers but she may see going into a convalescence home as a sort of extension to her hospital stay. Just thought it might be worth considering as an option for the first week now you know cost isn't a consideration.

Hidingtonothing · 04/09/2016 16:47

You might find this useful OP www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/pages/hospital-discharge-care.aspx

Glamorousglitter · 04/09/2016 16:56

Agree with the suggestions of looking into of DM can hire a live in carer and lean on the hospital team to provide assistance- can you phone the hospital and ask to talk to the liasion nurse or social worked linked with the team and explain and see if some respite or alternate convalesce care can be organised through them ? Maybe even the first week after she s discharged then you and dsis can cover the second week?

Original poster
Pecena · 04/09/2016 16:57

Thanks Hidingtonothing. I hadn't seen that / didn't know about it. DM has an appointment this week which, I think might relate to this assessment. I didn't realise before, but now it sort of makes sense, based on the questionnaire she has to fill in beforehand.
So, I guess she needs to know what is going to happen. At the moment, she thinks her daughters are going to come and look after her. I'll do a week, if she still wants it once she knows about the convalescent home (she hates hospital food, so i suspect she will).
However, who is going to tell her that she needs to find out precisely what dsis will do?

OP posts:
LostSight · 04/09/2016 16:59

My personal view on this is that, at least in part, you have a DM problem. Unfortunately it is likely it will only increase with time. I do, fully understand how difficult it is, but if you want to remain sane, I think you have to set your own boundaries about what you are willing to do and stick to them. Don't rely on what your sister says in future.

Did your mother favour your daughter in childhood? Are you still trying to prove your worth to a mother who can't (and won't) see how much more you are doing? The whole dynamic could be very unhealthy, and actually is of your mother's making.

I think it is good to want to look after your parents. I certainly want to look after mine. But they have made every effort, at every stage to look after themselves and for that I have huge respect. Much easier than for a parent who thinks it is owed to them and has reverted to childishness. Very difficult as it seems to be very common. I really hope I won't be the same.

DementedUnicorn · 04/09/2016 17:00

I'm sorry OP but it doesn't sound like your sister said at any point she would go and stay for a week which is not unreasonable. The type of operation your mum is having is very much important in deciding if you're being totally unreasonable and I'm begging to think (maybe wrongly) that your reluctance to say might have a huge bearing on the answers given.

Lunde · 04/09/2016 17:04

The problem is that if DM tells them that her daughters are going to care for her them she likely will not be offered a discharge package .

My own DM was like this - told the hospital that family would care for her after her knee replacement and was not offered post. discharge her - and for a time they did - however her recovery was slow (she was "too tired" to do her rehab). However as the weeks/months rolled on the family's ability to cope declined even though they hired a carer.

RichardBucket · 04/09/2016 17:04

I hope I'm wrong but your later replies sound like this is more about getting one over on your sister than making sure your mum is okay.