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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for advice about what to do here - family related

145 replies

Pecena · 04/09/2016 09:06

Dsis, DM and I live hundreds of miles from each other. Dsis and I are both married, have jobs and have DC who are about the same age. DM is a widow and lives on her own.

DM is about to have an operation and she'll need a lot of help afterwards. Her recovery will take months but she really needs one of us with her full time for the first few weeks. After that, extended family who live local to her will be able to take over giving help with shopping, etc.

Dsis agrees that she needs help but is being vague about what she'll commit to doing. She has put off speaking about it for weeks, and I just let it go (we are not close). However, now the operation is imminent and she's still ignoring my email, texts etc.

I've said in an email that I'll be flexible about which half I do, but I think this is not what she wants to hear. What she wants - I think - is to do about 3 or 4 days and leave me to cover the rest, which will really cause me big problems.

Having DM come to me isn't an option as my house isn't suitable for her and she won't be able to travel after the operation anyway.

I don't want to leave DM when she still needs help but I don't know what else I can do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pecena · 04/09/2016 11:04

On the other side, my boss is doing his own eye rolling that I am unable to say exactly how long I will be away. I need these dates sorted out.

OP posts:
MuseumOfCurry · 04/09/2016 11:04

I'm afraid you've made promises on your sister's behalf, and it sounds like she's not willing to keep them.

Pick up the phone!

RunningLulu · 04/09/2016 11:06

She clearly doesn't want to do it. Not sure why you can't bring her to you, but if you can't manage the whole week then arrange for carers for the remainder. I suspect, however, that you just don't want to do more than your sister & this is more about not letting her get away with it than helping your mum.

3luckystars · 04/09/2016 11:07

Just email her the dates you are doing and be really nice in the email, but stop apologising if ye have agreed to split her care, just say what you are doing and then end the email saying you will see her at the hospital and hope your mother recovers well.

I think ye will be having a lot more conversations like this as your mother gets older, so just be firm and who cares what she says or does, you either spell out in an email what you are able to do, or this will continue on forever. Just be practical and don't worry about her reaction. Easy for me to say I know but I really hope she does her share.
Best wishes and hope your mother gets well soon.

Iggi999 · 04/09/2016 11:08

I wouldn't be able to do this for my DM, and she wouldn't expect it. In an ideal world yes, but in the real world I have a job, dcs at school, and things that just can't be dropped to travel so far. The hospital won't release her if she does not have a suitable care package in place, but will be happy to take relative care if it's on offer.

ChestyNut · 04/09/2016 11:08

What surgery is DM having OP?
My DM has just had a knee replacement, it's been tough. I've had to take 2 weeks off to be here with her.

Original poster
Pecena · 04/09/2016 11:12

ToxicLadybird - not aimed at you, your post is fine. But just to come back on what you wrote:

Dsis probably doesn't want to do this, but then neither do I! Who'd actually want to do this?! It is a question of responsibility and she was brought up exactly the same way as me, so she knows that.

its just so bloody annoying that I know she knows what she should do, but (I think) she's trying to either pass it onto me, or just abandon DM. She won't even glance back.

Rant over.

OP posts:
MuseumOfCurry · 04/09/2016 11:17

Isn't it possible that she just disagrees with you that this is her duty? I couldn't do this for either of my parents, I have my own family to look after. They'd have to hire someone.

Iggi999 · 04/09/2016 11:19

My DM has had a knee replacement, I wasn't involved at all. Different county, dcs, can't take annual leave outside of school holidays. There are loads of people having operations who have no family or no family able or willing to drop everything and go to them. What do they do?

Original poster
Pecena · 04/09/2016 11:19

RunningLulu - its not like I only want to do 48 hours, if Dsis only does 48 hours.
I know DM needs 2 weeks minimum. I don't want to do the whole two weeks. TBH I' really can't do the whole two weeks - I just can't afford it.

Carers are the solution. However, life with DM will be hell for me if she knows that she's got carers coming in after i've gone. She seems to have an irrational hostility to them.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 04/09/2016 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToxicLadybird · 04/09/2016 11:21

I understand your frustration as my family have had similar issues. That's why I said that you'll have to make other arrangements. Bitter experience has taught me that some people step up to the plate in times of need and others won't, and there's nothing you can do to change that.

ohtheholidays · 04/09/2016 11:22

OP can your Mother afford to pay for some care?

If not and your sister won't help would she be able to pay for some care instead of her helping to look after after your Mother or would you be able to afford to pay for some?

I know you've said about extended family helping later on but does your Mother have any siblings,a partner,close friends or cousins that would help out near the begining as well.

Original poster
Pecena · 04/09/2016 11:22

MuseumOfCurry - its possible. Except she should think its her duty, if she has a value system anything like my own. Also she does seem to think its her duty or she would not have already said she'd help.

I don't know what would happen if this happened to a childless widow with no friends or extended family. It surely can't be the 15 mins care that the hospital sent (and charged for) last time.

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 04/09/2016 11:22

You are doing her a kindness and she will make your life hell? Can you picture this going on for another 20 years perhaps? Carers become part of life for many older people, being against the idea only works if you have someone else to slot into the role - will you be moving closer to her ultimately to meet her increasing needs?

Original poster
Pecena · 04/09/2016 11:26

Yes, DM can be very difficult. Dsis has her eating out her hand, but I don't.

What will happen as DM gets older? I don't know. I can't move. She wouldn't. DH would probably divorce me if she moved near us!

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 04/09/2016 11:26

In my mother's case she was indeed a widow but not childless and with lots of family and friends - they came round and sorted shopping and visited, but the physical care side was provided by professionals. We have tiers of responsibilities - if I was with my mother I would not be with my children, my dh would not have childcare for days I am p-t and would need to be off work himself, the children I teach would fall behind sigh exam work. How do we resolve all this? If we stay living round the corner it must be a lot easier. Offering to have her here to recuperate would be the most I could ever do.

Original poster
Pecena · 04/09/2016 11:32

Dsis and I have almost mirror lives. Both have jobs that for a short time can be done from any location with an internet connection, both our DH's run businesses from home. Our children are preteens/ young teenagers. None of the Dc have unusual needs. Neither of us have much money to spare.

She lives close to her inlaws who help out a lot. I don't. That's about the only difference.

OP posts:
LostSight · 04/09/2016 11:34

Well she'll have to do half, fair's fair.

She doesn't though, does she?

I guess this kind of situation is going to become more and more common with the cutbacks in welfare and health care. There will be a return to the days when elderly parents no longer have any choice but to move in with their children or manage (or not) alone.

I find it odd how many people in this thread assume the sister has to 'do her share'. I have children and personally I don't expect them to feel an obligation to look after me when I'm old. It's my own responsibility. I might HOPE they love me enough to do so, but not through some sense of duty.

You are choosing to help your DM, and that is admirable. It's unfortunate that your sister obviously doesn't feel the same and wasn't honest enough to be upfront about her willingness to help out, but there isn't much you can do about it. There's not much point in driving yourself mad about what she ought to do. Do what you can and your Mum will have to take responsibility for the rest, like the adult she is.

Sara107 · 04/09/2016 11:44

Of course it is lovely for families to rally around for caring, but it is very difficult when family members are far away and have other responsibilities (jobs and children). It makes sense to look at other ways of supporting your mum. Does she have enough money or health insurance to cover a week or 2 at a convalescent home? Find out what home care she would be entitled to. Maybe she would get more this time if she is older or considered more ill. Could this be topped up with some privately funded care? Paid for by her, or by you and sis? Have you contacted the hospital and or local social services to discuss the fact that she will be home alone after discharge? The hospital should not send her home unless and until there is suitable care in place. The reality is that this will happen again, as the years go by people tend to suffer more ill health so now is the time for you and your sister to discuss the future with your mum. Depending on her finances and wishes etc maybe it is time to consider moving into sheltered accommodation that give a bit of backup, or moving closer to one of her daughters.

Original poster
Pecena · 04/09/2016 11:45

You are all right: I can't make Dsis do her share, and I know I can't do her share for her.

I will avoid any impulse to call her or email again, apart from to say which dates I am doing. I know if I do call, she'll manipulate an argument and then use that argument to somehow justify her change of heart about helping.

Then DM and dsis can work out what will happen for dsis's share between themselves.

I think I'll go for week 2 as well...!

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 04/09/2016 11:46

Tough situation, OP

I'd be inclined to make my commitment for the first week (or however long suits you) and put in place carers for the second.

Then email your sister laying out what you have done "in the absence of any communication/commitment from her" and if she's not happy with carers she can cancel it. Copy whoever you think needs to be in the email.

I think it's time to state facts about what are doing and leave her to sort out her part. For peace of mind having carers in place is the safety net.

Nanny0gg · 04/09/2016 11:52

Why can't she go into a convalescence home?

That's what my FiL had to do as there was no-one who could take time off to care and he wouldn't have wanted that anyway.

It worked out absolutely fine. He was very comfortable and recovered well.

Original poster
Pecena · 04/09/2016 11:58

NannyOgg - I don't know. DM decided she'd be coming home after the op and no one ever mentioned a convalescent home. Is it something private? Or NHS?

DM doesn't have health insurance, if its even possible to get for old people. She's of the generation that expects the NHS to deliver all care and family to supplement. Her politics are straight out of the 1960s.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 04/09/2016 12:02

I agree she should go to a convalescence home. It's really not fair that you and your sister should have to carry out two weeks of care when it has such an impact on your family.