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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for advice about what to do here - family related

145 replies

Pecena · 04/09/2016 09:06

Dsis, DM and I live hundreds of miles from each other. Dsis and I are both married, have jobs and have DC who are about the same age. DM is a widow and lives on her own.

DM is about to have an operation and she'll need a lot of help afterwards. Her recovery will take months but she really needs one of us with her full time for the first few weeks. After that, extended family who live local to her will be able to take over giving help with shopping, etc.

Dsis agrees that she needs help but is being vague about what she'll commit to doing. She has put off speaking about it for weeks, and I just let it go (we are not close). However, now the operation is imminent and she's still ignoring my email, texts etc.

I've said in an email that I'll be flexible about which half I do, but I think this is not what she wants to hear. What she wants - I think - is to do about 3 or 4 days and leave me to cover the rest, which will really cause me big problems.

Having DM come to me isn't an option as my house isn't suitable for her and she won't be able to travel after the operation anyway.

I don't want to leave DM when she still needs help but I don't know what else I can do?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 04/09/2016 12:04

Yes but the NHS only started after the war, so if her beliefs are from the 60s they were modern then!

Why not look into convalescent homes near her? You could call them, get some prices etc. You could stress they're health care professionals, unlike you and your sister (presumably!)

FrancisCrawford · 04/09/2016 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charley50 · 04/09/2016 12:15

LostSight - my DM always said that she didn't want us to look after her when she was old, but now that she is, she expects a from us, more and more all the time. She doesn't have a partner or close friends so a lot falls on me. It's frustrating as we aren't close and don't get on particularly well. I just have to get on with it and try not to be resentful, even though I have quite ungracious feelings about it.
(Sorry OP just musing).

GrumpyOldBag · 04/09/2016 12:21

Email your DM and Dsis and tell them that as yove not heard back from Dsis these are the dates you are doing, and that they will need to arrange care for the rest of the time.

If you do not get a response in 48 hours, phone them both up to make sure they are clear about it.

It's time to stand up for yourself, OP.

Sn0tnose · 04/09/2016 12:22

I don't think your sister has any intention of doing half, and she's relying on you stepping in so she doesn't have to.

In your situation, I'd double check with your mum whether she'd already made any arrangements with her, and if not, I'd email your sister (so she can't start a row and it's all in writing so she can't claim she didn't know) telling her that as I hadn't heard from her, I'd had to make plans, so I'd be arriving on one date and leaving on another. Tell your mum, so she's very clear what week you'll be doing, and then if your sister can't or won't do half, she can be the one to explain to your mum.

As an aside, have you tried contacting Age Concern to see if they're able to assist with Meals on Wheels or a home help for a week? I know that there's a charge, but from what I can recall, it wasn't huge.

Original poster
Pecena · 04/09/2016 12:26

I know exactly how you feel Charley!
I guess if something happened that catapulted DM overnight from being late middle aged into frail old age, then she might not forget that she didn't want to be a burden. Instead, its just been a gradual decline into old age and it started with little, one-off things like help organising new windows. Step by step, she's just been passing responsibility over to us, while still claiming to be independent.

I think its called having your cake and eating it!

TBH I don't want my DC to grow feeling like I am burden, but I do want them to grow up seeing that we take care of the vulnerable in our families and we treat them with dignity and respect. So, this and the other things I have done, are examples.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pecena · 04/09/2016 12:30

GrumpyOldBag - I'll do what you say, but I will not call Dsis. This sin't the first time I've been in a similar situation with her and I know how it pans out if I call her.

Somehow, she manages to take offence no matter how carefully I chose my words, and then she huffily decides that she won't do the thing she previously agreed to.

This time, if she wants to back out, she's going to have to find her own excuses rather than lay the blame on me when speaking to DM.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 04/09/2016 12:35

I would call sis, & say I can do the second week, She will have to do the first week, or organise a carer. My Boss needs the dates, I cannot play silly fuckers with him anymore. I don't like doing it any more than you, I have kids too, So just suck it up. She is your mother too & I am not doing more than X to Y dates.
If she is stroppy or unpleasant.... so what ? you wouldn't accept this from anyone else. You need to grab your self esteem & stop being steam rollered over by her. Also, you need to tell your Mum, that you are doing X dates, & sister is doing the other half, if she can't/won't she will have to go into convalescent care that sis will have to organise it.

chinam · 04/09/2016 12:35

You need to have a frank conversation with your mother. She will need help. You can't provide it all so some level of carer, respite care is needed.

Mix56 · 04/09/2016 12:37

X'd posts !

DixieWishbone · 04/09/2016 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/09/2016 13:02

I definitely agree with doing the second week otherwise your sister will wriggle out of it like last time. Such a depressing situation. If she can't do it, she will need to provide carers.

Iggi999 · 04/09/2016 13:09

With what money will she need to provide carers? I could not pay for that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/09/2016 13:25

Well then she needs to provide herself if she can't provide money. Iggi if we always enable people, they will never do their fair share. If ops sister were chronically ill, disabled, or had family members she needed to care for, fair enough. However, it doesn't sound like the case. So op needs to make a choice either to force her sister's hand or leave her out of the equation and get carers organised by liaising with the hospital. She is then either choosing to expect her sister to do half or choosing to enable her sister and deliver her mother's care herself 100%. Right now, op is sitting worrying about the situation instead of taking control. She needs to take control. This is a difficult time for her.

Original poster
Pecena · 04/09/2016 13:29

Thanks to everyone who contributed to the thread. This morning, I couldn't see past the sheer frustration that Dsis isn't replying and I need to sort things out for my own life. Now its much clearer in my mind that i can't be responsible for her.

Plus I am no longer tempted to call her, which is a definite bonus, as even before I posted, i knew that it was likely to be something i'd be made to regret but I was thinking maybe if I said it really nicely, and wrote myself a note saying whatever she says, however she provokes you, keep calm and pretend that she's being pleasant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pecena · 04/09/2016 13:31

and as an added bonus, i can stop checking my email to see if she has replied then wondering if maybe she hasn't seen it and should I use a different email address etc.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 04/09/2016 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gmbk · 04/09/2016 14:25

I think you are being unfair on your sister.

It's not many people who could leave family life for over a week to care for someone. You dont have children to care for you in old age. Your dm needs to arrange a care package with the hospital.

I think you could ring her and ask what she can do under the premise of needing to know for your own life. But this phone call should have no expectation she does as much as you.

Iggi999 · 04/09/2016 14:53

Mummyoflittledragon I disagree - the mother is the one who has to arrange for her own care. Nothing I've read suggests she is incapable of this. It is ageist to imply older people cannot sort out their lives.

Iggi999 · 04/09/2016 14:55

That's interesting Francis
I suspect there is a problem with elderly people who say they don't want strangers in their home etc, but who don't have a willing daughter (unlikely to be a son isn't it) nearby to help.

Original poster
Pecena · 04/09/2016 14:57

Gmbk - why can't she do the same as me? Her DH is as capable of loading the washing machine as mine is. He can drive, just as mine can. Her Dc know how to use a phone, just like mine. They are the same sexes and same school years. So, i really cannot see the problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pecena · 04/09/2016 15:02

and if she isn't willing to put herself out, then why did she tell DM that she was? No one forced her to. By the time that DM called me to tell me about the operation, she'd already spoken to Dsis and Dsis had already volunteered to help.

Actually I know the answer to that one - dsis has an image of herself as a good daughter. She said it because it was the right thing to say at the time. However, now that she is being called to make good on her promise, she's suddenly decided that its best to disappear off the radar.

OP posts:
NNChangeAgain · 04/09/2016 15:02

why can't she do the same as me? Her DH is as capable of loading the washing machine as mine is. He can drive, just as mine can. Her Dc know how to use a phone, just like mine. They are the same sexes and same school years. So, i really cannot see the problem.

You cannot place those expectations on someone else - even your DSis, even for your DM.

You offer what you are happy to commit to, she offers what she is happy to do, and arrangements are made to ensure mother has the care she needs the rest of the time.

You are being dictatorial and projecting your own values onto your DSis.

Original poster
Pecena · 04/09/2016 15:05

actually, I am only asking Dsis to do what she volunteered to do, before I even knew there would be an operation. Maybe she should have found out what was involved first, but the fact that she didn't is her problem, not mine.

OP posts:
Gmbk · 04/09/2016 15:07

I. Agree with name change.

Your expectations of yourself are fine, but you can't apply the same expectations to others.

Perhaps she felt pressed into saying she would help but has realised that practically she can't. Maybe she's decided a week away from her family isn't what she wants. No one should be obligated to care for their parents.

It sounds like she's dissappeared because she knows she will get a mouthful from you.