to ask for advice about what to do here - family related

[Pecena]

Dsis, DM and I live hundreds of miles from each other. Dsis and I are both married, have jobs and have DC who are about the same age. DM is a widow and lives on her own.

DM is about to have an operation and she'll need a lot of help afterwards. Her recovery will take months but she really needs one of us with her full time for the first few weeks. After that, extended family who live local to her will be able to take over giving help with shopping, etc.

Dsis agrees that she needs help but is being vague about what she'll commit to doing. She has put off speaking about it for weeks, and I just let it go (we are not close). However, now the operation is imminent and she's still ignoring my email, texts etc.

I've said in an email that I'll be flexible about which half I do, but I think this is not what she wants to hear. What she wants - I think - is to do about 3 or 4 days and leave me to cover the rest, which will really cause me big problems.

Having DM come to me isn't an option as my house isn't suitable for her and she won't be able to travel after the operation anyway.

I don't want to leave DM when she still needs help but I don't know what else I can do?

TBH I just don't want to make the whole thing completely recognisable to anyone who knows our family and happens to be looking at mumsnet today, So, I am thinking that if I name the operation it will narrow down the possibilities.

Can you just take my word for it that no one in the world would expect someone to manage on their own after this type of op? It was a doctor though who told me 3 weeks is the bare minimum, but the first few days will be in hospital. After googling a bit, the doctor's advice seems to be standard.

Yes, my problem is DM but I've had that problem my whole life. Dsis was an is the golden child. I am the blacksheep. I can do no right, she can do no wrong.
Mentally, I've given up thinking that I can change that if I am really, really good. So, now I just try not to think about it and look after DM the way i'd take care of anyone

Let your dm know the dates you will be covering and tell her you've tried to get hold of your sister to sort the other dates with her but have had no word. Tell her you are worried and possibly suggest the first week of recovery might be best spent in a convalescence place so she is a little more mobile and has the very best care to ensue a quick recovery. Make the chat all about her and her comfort. Make sure she knows what you are committed to and let your boss know so that it is set in stone. Really your dm should be sorting all this stuff out.

Just send your mum and dsis a group email/message.

I have booked this time to come and help you mum, as planned. I've ok'd the time with my boss. See you soon, op

RichardBucket no, its not about getting one over on my sister, except I am determined to thwart her if she wants to blame me for her decision to withdraw (if that's what she does intend).

Until someone hears from her, I can only guess what she intends. Everything I've posted is just an educated guess about what she's thinking.

I felt caught between a rock and a hard place until I started posting. Now, i know what I am going to do - book flights for week 2, be loud and clear so there's no confusion about what I'm doing and leave DM and dsis to work out week one between themselves and the NHS. It feels a lot better to know what I am going to do, and at least I can give my boss a straight answer.

I'm the scapegoat. Whatever I do is wrong. Now I see the issue, I agree with sending a group message such as nilby suggested. Otherwise one or other will play you off against the other or reiterate your scapegoat status. Knowing and really understanding that you can't win because the game is rigged really helps so please don't continue to play.

I think you just have to be really blunt with DM about your sister, tell her you've tried to contact her to firm up plans but have had no response and ask her to contact your sister direct. I would put yourself forward for the second week of care and leave it to DM and your sister to sort the first between them. I would mention to DM that the hospital will want to know what care she has arranged so they can make sure any gaps are filled and that they will probably want to speak to your sister if she will be doing the first week, that should give her a kick to get it sorted before her appointment. You need to be firm that you will do what you said you would do and cover one week for her but that she and your sister are responsible for sorting the first week. Be aware though that she may recover slower than expected and may not be at the stage where you can leave her to cope alone after that second week so you will need a contingency plan for if that happens. I would check out who you would need to contact and what the time frames to make arrangements would be if you should need to utilise that 6 week care package when it's time for you to go home.

Yes, my problem is DM but I've had that problem my whole life. Dsis was an is the golden child. I am the blacksheep. I can do no right, she can do no wrong.
Mentally, I've given up thinking that I can change that if I am really, really good. So, now I just try not to think about it and look after DM the way i'd take care of anyone

It sounds as if you expect your DSis to do the same - and because she was the golden child, you don't understand why she wouldn't give your mother as much, if not more, than you are willing to give.

But your DSis doesn't share your values. While you may take care of "anyone" in the same way as you are willing to care for your mother, your DSis may not agree with you.

Your DM has an alternative to being cared for by her daughters. She may not like it, but that may be what your DSis thinks is best for her. If you choose to do half of the care, so jeopardising the care package available to your mum, you can't expect your DSis to do the other half, just because you think it's better for your mum.

X post with you OP, good plan

Would it jeopardise the care plan NNChange? I thought it was available for whatever part of the 6 week period the patient needs it for?

You can only have control/responsibility for what you do.

Hi mum and sis, I'm coming to look after M on this date, until this date, have booked the time with work and sorted DH and DCs. Haven't been able to get hold of you sis, to liaise, so I'll leave you to now organise with mum about what's happening on the remaining days, from this date to this date. That would just spell out what you're doing, what arrangements you've been able to make, and chucks the ball firmly into their court for the rest. While also letting them both know you've tried to cooperate with sis, but she has avoided doing the same with you. Job done.

You've done the right thing OP. I'd book your flights before you communicate and that way even if your DM or Dsis try to apply pressure on you, there can be no changing.

FWIW I feel for both of you. I have elderly parents and a youngish DC and I've no idea what I'd do if I was called upon to support my DPs in the way you are having to as I work part time and all the school drop offs and pick ups are done by me as DH is a contractor.

This is only going to get worse if you don't nip it in the bud. Your DM may not be keen on non family carers, but you need to also think of your own families.

Hi Pecena

I'm a social worker and deal with your type of situation all the time. If you want any help, please free to drop me a PM. If you're in England or Wales, I can give you basic information and what we would normally do under the circumstances. You don't have to give me lots of information and I will try to help as much as I can. :)

Would it jeopardise the care plan NNChange? I thought it was available for whatever part of the 6 week period the patient needs it for?

I don't know, but it would be prudent for the OP to find out before she books flights, I would think?

Can you just take my word for it that no one in the world would expect someone to manage on their own after this type of op?

Nobody is expecting her to manage on her own. It's not a straight choice between you/your sis providing care or her fending for herself.

There is another choice, that is a proper care package being put in place by SS.

To be frank, your DMum should have thought about her care requirements before now.

Would it jeopardise the care plan NNChange? I thought it was available for whatever part of the 6 week period the patient needs it for?

In my experience, if there is any alternative to the LA funding care, any at all, SS will jump on it, so yes, OP's arrival will affect the care package on offer.

Furthermore, SS will ask her DMum what her plans are and, from what OP has said about her (DMum's) feelings about carers, she will be very quick to decline offers of help, as 'her daughters will look after her'

NannyOgg - I don't know. DM decided she'd be coming home after the op and no one ever mentioned a convalescent home. Is it something private? Or NHS

NHS. There was no one else to look after him. Too well for hospital not well enough for home.

To be frank, your DMum should have thought about her care requirements before now.

Its an odd position to find myself that I should be attempting to defend DM against a criticism that she's been unreasonable, but dsis did tell her within hours of the consultant saying she needed the op that she would come to look after her. Then I said I'd come too a few hours after that. Then if there was any doubt left, I, stupidly, told DM not to worry because dsis and I would take care of her between us. So, she had every reason to think it was sorted apart from not knowing exactly which date she was to have the operation.

Then if there was any doubt left, I, stupidly, told DM not to worry because dsis and I would take care of her between us.

I do think you need to take responsibility for this, rather than hold a grudge against your sister for not fulfilling the commitment that you made on her behalf.
She said, once, without knowing what was involved, that she would commit to some of the care.

I appreciate you refer to yourself as the scapegoat, and your sis as the golden child, but in this case, you seem to have set yourself up - your DSis is beyond reproach as, by your own admission, she has never committed to caring for your mother in the way you expect her to.
I wonder whether the roles you perceive you both play are actually rather different?

Your plan sounds good Pecena. You have my sympathy for your situation.

If at all possible and for your own peace of mind, try not to blame your sister. She didn't choose to be the golden child and she quite possibly is admiring you for the care you are providing, but simply doesn't feel up to doing as much as you are. She's that way for a reason.

she said she'd go and stay with her. She told DM this, not a vague musing to someone else. That is what i want her to do. How is that something she never promised?

The only thing that is vague was how long she'd do it for but she did tell me she'd share the load with me for the full-on part.

I am responsible for that remark. I wish I hadn't said it although at the time, i thought dsis and I had already committed. So what now? I can tell DM that I made a mistake about dsis's intention, but even then I don't know that I have got it wrong, until she replies to me.

If she's in an unhealthy family dynamic (which it sounds as if you are), it is perhaps helpful to take the silence as an attempt to control and manipulate you. Forgive yourself for any poor wording. It may be the case that your mother didn't teach you how to effectively communicate with her or your dsis. Just forge on as you are.

That is what i want her to do.

No, you have placed very clear terms on what 'staying with her' looks like - 50%, no more no less.

If someone had said to me "I'll stay with you when you go home" - I'd assume they meant overnight on the day of discharge.

Dsis probably doesn't want to do this, but then neither do I!

I rather respect your sister for having the guts to say so. Why don't you do the same, both say to your mother that she needs to get proper carers in?

I rather respect your sister for having the guts to say so Op's sister hasn't said so. She just hasn't answered op's messages. In fact she's told her DM she will help, she offered this first and op said she would too, assured DM they'd do it between them. Now, when op wants to organise how that will work, the sis won't respond.

Op. Stop thinking about what you want or expect your sis to do. That way lies disappointment. It's taking up too much headspace too. Just commit to what you can do. Sis and DM can sort the rest.