Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to visit my friend, not her and partner?

76 replies

Laodicean · 03/09/2016 21:47

I am planning a trip, 5 1/2 hours each way to visit my oldest friend.

I have booked a hotel so am not imposing.

She is very loved up with a newish boyfriend. I have been having a very hard time and would welcome some one t one time with her.

It seems she has planned the whole weekend to include her boyfriend, he s very nice, but I will need to be on best lovely cheery behaviour as opposed to actual chat with my friend.

I don't want to offend her, what should I do? AIBU?

Don't want any upset or disagreements. I am tempted to cancel whole thing, I have many good reasons to do so. WWYD?

I am feeling quite fragile, so don't be horrible!

OP posts:
Littlepeople12345 · 03/09/2016 21:49

If she's that much of a friend then tell her how you feel.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/09/2016 21:49

You do have to speak up, and tell her, though it will be nice to see her boyfriend, you are also looking forward to some time alone with her, to catch up and do girly things.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 03/09/2016 21:49

Yanbu. Could you say to her that you'd like some time just the two of you?

tigerdriverII · 03/09/2016 21:50

I'd cancel. I don't like having to entertain someone's DP when they're not the one I want to see. My friend's DH is like this, it drives me mad (and I can see my friend getting annoyed too).

donajimena · 03/09/2016 21:50

Can you tell her you need some one to one time and arrange to spend part of the visit alone?

Original poster
Laodicean · 03/09/2016 21:51

I think she will take offence. None intended, he seems lovely, I just don't know him.

But if it seems reasonable will try that. I hate upset at the best of times, and can't cope with it now.

OP posts:
Dahlietta · 03/09/2016 21:51

Can you compromise? Go along with the things planned during the day time, but ask her if you and she can go for a meal/drink one evening as you'd like to talk to her one to one?

JellyPlum · 03/09/2016 21:52

No, it's not unreasonable of you at all. If she's really a good friend then I'd just tell her and hope that she would understand. Maybe agree to an activity or two to get to know the boyfriend better (one lunch together or something) but I wouldn't want the boyfriend there for every moment of meeting a friend either.

DeathStare · 03/09/2016 21:53

Could you find a personal issue you would like to discuss with her? It would be hard for her to take offence because you don't want to discuss your gynae problems/relationship break up with her boyfriend.

fabulousathome · 03/09/2016 21:54

As you've booked a room could you ask her if she'd like to have a sleepover with you? You'd then end up having breakfast at the hotel and having a chance to have a good chat all evening and in the morning.

hazeimcgee · 03/09/2016 21:56

I thonk honesty - i'm looking forward to getting to know you oh better but i wondered if we could find some time just for the two of us - things are hard for me atm and i really need some time alone with my oldest friend

TheLegendOfBeans · 03/09/2016 21:56

YANBU.

That would massively fuck me the fuck off.

hazeimcgee · 03/09/2016 21:57

Ooh sleepover soubds awesome. Dinner on the eve then room for wine, sleep over then breakfast next day

RandomMess · 03/09/2016 22:01

My other suggestion would be that you both meet half way for the day (you could offer to pay her costs). Can you phone her and blub and say that you really need to talk to her privately?

pictish · 03/09/2016 22:20

Just tell her you've had a rough trot, you were looking forward to her friendly confidence and that you're not in the right frame of mind to spend the weekend playing cheerful gooseberry.

Original poster
Laodicean · 03/09/2016 22:22

She knows about a massive relationship thing I have, and I am worried she wants to avoid talking about it. I may be boring!

Because I know her well I think she will be fucked off with me for wanting to exclude the boyfriend, so am scared to suggest it.

I could, because of aforesaid problem, cancel with no reference to boyfriend issues, so is tempting, it's a long way to go to make polite conversation for the weekend and leave my dcs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laodicean · 03/09/2016 22:23

pictish I like that, and she might take that.....

Am feeling bit shaky and like I don't want to cause upset

OP posts:
HarryPottersMagicWand · 03/09/2016 22:23

YANBU. That sounds like a shit weekend and she should realise that you are travelling to see her not tag along with her and her bloody boyfriend all weekend.

pictish · 03/09/2016 22:24

Does she tend to call the shots then?

Oblomov16 · 03/09/2016 22:33

If you can't gently tell her, using some of the wording that previous posters have brilliantly suggested, then you are not really friends.

ConvincingLiar · 03/09/2016 22:37

Can you tell her you're feeling a bit vulnerable and not up for being sociable for a whole weekend?

Lorelei76 · 03/09/2016 22:41

I just posted that I don't make friends with these types. Tell her. If she's a good friend she'll understand.

Charley50 · 03/09/2016 22:44

Just be honest. I don't see how she can be offended. Maybe because of you feeling fragile for other reasons you think she will react in a way which I'm sure she won't. (Sorry, long, wine)

CheerfulYank · 03/09/2016 22:45

I would definitely tell her!

I have a friend that brings her husband to every sodding thing and I've stopped inviting her. Apparently he gets bored at home. Hmm He's not five years old! When I want a chat with female friends, that's what I want. No husbands, no kids. I have my own DH and DC, they are not a novelty to me :o An uninterrupted talk and laugh with another woman, however, is rare.

AyeAmarok · 03/09/2016 22:45

Pictish's text is good.