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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to visit my friend, not her and partner?

76 replies

Laodicean · 03/09/2016 21:47

I am planning a trip, 5 1/2 hours each way to visit my oldest friend.

I have booked a hotel so am not imposing.

She is very loved up with a newish boyfriend. I have been having a very hard time and would welcome some one t one time with her.

It seems she has planned the whole weekend to include her boyfriend, he s very nice, but I will need to be on best lovely cheery behaviour as opposed to actual chat with my friend.

I don't want to offend her, what should I do? AIBU?

Don't want any upset or disagreements. I am tempted to cancel whole thing, I have many good reasons to do so. WWYD?

I am feeling quite fragile, so don't be horrible!

OP posts:

AuldYow · 04/09/2016 07:43

If I were you I'd cancel the whole thing. It's sounds very crass of her to invite her new boyfriend along when she knows you're having a rough time in your own relationship. She'll be all loved up and you'll be biting your tongue the whole time.

You now know she's not really a good friend, well only when it suits her. You'd probably get much more on a weekend spent on your own doing exactly what you want. However if your oooop north I'll happily spend an afternoon chatting to you and I wouldn't bring my husband, children, dog, cat or great auntie Mary.

tighterthanscrooge · 04/09/2016 07:46

Cancel her OP and take yourself off to a spa weekend with a good book and bottle of nice wine
Your husband sounds an arsehole

Original poster

Laodicean · 04/09/2016 08:02

I have cancelled, and told her why, and it's all fine.

I know what she's like, so wasn't expecting Oprah style chats, but just not full time socialising. And they are, quite reasonably, very smoochy.

Thanks to all, it's good to know I'm not a bitter unreasonable old bat.

Think I shall browse the Internet for something else to do...

OP posts:

Nocabbageinmyeye · 04/09/2016 08:14

Op I can't believe you told her why a d she let you cancel I thought ot might give her a reality check and she would say it would just be the two of you. Such a pity. Your better off long term but I'm sure it hurts now. It's obviously her loss, although I doubt she will see that until she needs you again

TheDowagerCuntess · 04/09/2016 08:40

You told her, and she let you cancel?!

That's the friendship pretty much over, isn't it?

Hissy · 04/09/2016 08:42

I had a friend Spring her new boyf on me last year. Sprang him on her kids too. Brought him home and then he spent the next 5 days out of our 2 week holiday there.

She had invited us to stay in her home and then this twat arrived, tried telling my ds off, and manage her youngest.

I have strong suspicions he was grooming the youngest, but never got the opportunity to say anything because he was always there.

He defintitely turned her against me too, because of something I saw I think. Tried to address it when i got home, but got nowhere.

Original poster

Laodicean · 04/09/2016 08:49

Yes, I think it is. She protested a bit, but not too much 😀

The friendship in fact had been pretty much over until she turned to me when she was bereaved.

I suppose I just wanted her to be something she's not, should've learned after all these years. I think part of it is that she doesn't have children and doesn't appreciate the magnitude of a weekend away ...😊

Hissy that sounds horrible. It resonates a bit because she does tend to go for quite controlling men, and I do think it's seriously weird that he'd want to be there all the time!

OP posts:

KC225 · 04/09/2016 09:16

OP I didn't have kids until 42 yet I could appreciate how difficult and military precision like it was for mums to get away. Your friend seems immature and lacks empathy.

At first I wondered if your friend was avoiding alone time because she thought you would comment on the age difference but it seems she has form for being a bit self absorbed.

Knowing what you are going through she should have arranged a girly weekend with all your favourite things. It is not you. She has let you down. As we get older I think friends can fall into two camps, those who share everything with husbands/partners and those who keep it to themselves.

I think you have done the right thing telling her your reason for cancelling. If she was really a friend she would have apologised and binned the boyfriend off. It's only a weekend. The acquaintances that were there for you could be encouraged a little more. Definitely stoke the embers of those friendships. You are never too old to make new friends especially when we outgrow old ones.

Lorelei76 · 04/09/2016 11:05

OP "I suppose I just wanted her to be something she's not, should've learned after all these years. I think part of it is that she doesn't have children and doesn't appreciate the magnitude of a weekend away "

well I don't have children and I get it. From what you said about her behaviour earlier I think she's just a shit friend.

MommaGee · 04/09/2016 14:40

Glad you are making better plans for the weekend OP. Under the circs she definately should have told the nf to go play with his own friends for the weekend. No way would my hubby want to spend all weekend with me and my bestie. Wheb his comes up to stay i always ensure they have alone time.

Def look at who you have around you and invest in those friendships x

QueenLizIII · 04/09/2016 18:14

A true friend would have told you not to cancel and arranged time away from her bf.

Fuck her. Better off without.

Chocolatefudgecake100 · 04/09/2016 18:40

Pick an activity that only includes you both and make it seem like a surprise so that way it has to be just the two of you

Chocolatefudgecake100 · 04/09/2016 18:42

Actually just read whole thread dont bother lol

AnyFucker · 04/09/2016 18:50

She is not a good friend

Save your money and chat to us instead

Original poster

Laodicean · 04/09/2016 19:08

Yeo, I've been absolutely crap and was just looking forward to a relaxing weekend, not bleating on about my problems but just out having fun with someone I've known for 35 years, but making polite conversation.

I didn't mean, btw, that people without children couldn't understand, just that I thought that was a factor in her particular case, as she finds it difficult to put herself in someone else's shoes.

I don't think she means to be bad, that's just who she is.

I feel relieved to be absolved of the weekend. I am looking for a cheap flight away now, a trip out of my comfort zone. Trying to detach from family situation and find new home for me and kids, which is tricky, but feeling calmer thanks to AIBU, of all things 😀

OP posts:

Original poster

Laodicean · 04/09/2016 19:10

P.s AF you gave me some sound advice on a thread a few months ago.

I wasn't strong enough then, but am feeling much more able to progress things and kick his sorry ass out now.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 04/09/2016 19:51

That sounds promising. Forget your self absorbed, flaky friend. You can do this.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 04/09/2016 20:11

you deserve a much better friend... friends in fact, because you sound like great friend.

Original poster

Laodicean · 04/09/2016 20:32

I do believe I can now. Past the mental kicked in stomach phase and looking for peace and a happy future.

OP posts:

YelloDraw · 04/09/2016 20:44

That's bad she let you cancel and didn't say 'never mind the boyf, we'll have a weekend just the two of us'. Sorry OP

Original poster

Laodicean · 04/09/2016 21:07

Mmmm,,, she kind of did, bit half heartedly and I sensed relief that I was not coming.

Cancelling definitely right decision. Can relax and plan new occasion to wear my new cunt diet skinny clothes 😀

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 04/09/2016 23:52

Every cloud...

38cody · 05/09/2016 00:06

Just cancel. It will be horrible trotting around with him all weekend.

EverySongbirdSays · 05/09/2016 00:21

I have this with my 3 closest female friends, and I don't actually know how to constructively deal with it.

With Friend A it's not a problem anymore, as her ex has long fucked off BUT when he was there I remember him being parked there and not leaving when I wanted the catch up and cuppa on a number of occasions including talking about my new relationship and my mental health. What really fucked me of was Friend A's nonchalence about it, like it didn't seem to occur to her I'd mind/want privacy. He knew I disliked him which made it worse, but lo! he proved me right in the end on so many levels, which is why it fucks me off that she told him/let him hear all my personal shit.

Friend B's DH is an absolute fucking nightmare and has literally not given us more than 20 minutes alone since they married nearly a decade ago. He is petulant and goady, and bears grudges. He was actually my friend before her, so any attempt to meet without him is met with Songbird is MY friend too.

I actually really love Friend C's DH and we used to have a decent balance of us alone and us with him but it's become more both of them, but because we really get on it's been alright. I just don't understand why couples feel this need to conjoin like that.

With Friend B's husband - I'm starting to think he's some kind of abuser it's so controlling

In short, OP, YADNBU

SugaryAddict · 05/09/2016 00:22

This happened to me once.

I had travelled around the world (literally) to see this friend. We had a twin hotel room booked. She invited her new boyfriend along for the weekend - and he slept in the room with us - they were in the double bed and I will in the single. I had travelled miles and miles to see her and ended up feeling like a spare part on a romantic weekend break.

It ruined the friendship.

You must say something to her.

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