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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to visit my friend, not her and partner?

76 replies

Laodicean · 03/09/2016 21:47

I am planning a trip, 5 1/2 hours each way to visit my oldest friend.

I have booked a hotel so am not imposing.

She is very loved up with a newish boyfriend. I have been having a very hard time and would welcome some one t one time with her.

It seems she has planned the whole weekend to include her boyfriend, he s very nice, but I will need to be on best lovely cheery behaviour as opposed to actual chat with my friend.

I don't want to offend her, what should I do? AIBU?

Don't want any upset or disagreements. I am tempted to cancel whole thing, I have many good reasons to do so. WWYD?

I am feeling quite fragile, so don't be horrible!

OP posts:
AddToBasket · 03/09/2016 22:53

If she's that loved up she won't want to be apart from him and so I think you will have to actually plan something for just the two of you. Can you do a shopping trip? Trip to get nails done or do a craft class type activity that he won't come to?

LeonardInTheArgosBag · 03/09/2016 22:53

I have a friend like CheerfulYank's, she brings her DH to everything as he's antisocial and doesn't have friends. Hmm

OP I'd just be honest in a tactful way. If she's a good friend she'll understand.

Hope things get better for you soon.

Original poster
Laodicean · 03/09/2016 22:53

Yes, should maybe try that.

We are late forties, he's twenty years younger, can't believe he's really going to enjoy aweekend of our catch up. But I wish he'd say that, as opposed to me feeling so worried that she will think I don't want to see him, which is not the case, just not all blimming weekend!

I know her well, and think she will take offence. She's my oldest friend, but not always a good one, the pattern is that I support her, not so much the other way

OP posts:
Original poster
Laodicean · 03/09/2016 22:55

Have tried for a day out/ theatre trip clearly not suited to him; she remains resolute that he is keen to come.,so far the friday night, all day Saturday and Sunday before I leave...

OP posts:
Original poster
Laodicean · 03/09/2016 22:58

Thai thread is crystallising for me that she's not actually a good friend. I think I will cancel without blame on her. She won't understand and I think knows I'd like to see her alone and is avoiding.

At least I know I'm not a nutter.

OP posts:
TheBouquets · 03/09/2016 23:01

I have seen some good ways round this situation as suggested by PPs.
I don't want to pour cold water on the hopes of the OP. I have a situation along similar lines. Friend is all loved up by new DP, it is a bit of a put off to hear all the stories of which the DP is the star. It is just constant. No-one gets to do anything if it does not suit the new DP. We have been shopping or at other events and all of a sudden she gets a text and has to run to obey the instruction. Sometimes dumping the friends or demanding that the friends go along with the new DP need/wish. I have had some worrying stuff and had hoped for a sympathetic ear from friend. I didn't get that, all I heard was that this is a team, a partnership and I will just have to accept it.
I don't just see this as a problem that I am not getting the chance to discuss my problems with a friend, I also see this as the friend pissing off all her friends and family with constantly forcing the new DP on us. What worries me is that this is the way a female becomes isolated from friends and family and more likely to be controlled or abused by the new DP. The Bio Dad and his family have been pushed out. Friends have left the scene, family are not pleased, there are only 2 or 3 friends left.
I know you have worries that you want to discuss with your friend but I hope it is just the thrill of the new relationship and not that she is having to take the new BF with her. I cant imagine many men wanting to hang out with 2 females all weekend but if he does that is worrying. You may have to be her shoulder to cry on.
Hope you weekend turns out better than it appears

sexyfish · 03/09/2016 23:06

YANBU at all.
A good friend would understand that you need support and 1-1 conversation with an old friend.
I also find it irritating when couples lack independence from each other so much that you can't see one without seeing the other.

Do cancel if you don't think she will understand and find a better or more local friend to speak to!

pictish · 03/09/2016 23:10

You're definitely not a nutter. You may however, be looking for something from her she's not going to be very good at providing. Sounds like you've answered your own questions about it.

It may be that you want to call time on this one-sided friendship but if you want to hang on to the friendship for good laughs and company purposes, maybe save the visit for when you're feeling more robust.

TheBouquets · 03/09/2016 23:13

It might be a better use of the money and time for you to cancel the planned weekend and go somewhere else. You could try another friend, or what about a solo spa weekend or a weekend alone in a remote place with time and peace to think over the problems you were going to discuss with the friend.

I would wonder supposing the friend did agree to see you on her own if she would not go back to the Boyfriend and discuss your private conversation.

Original poster
Laodicean · 03/09/2016 23:15

I think it is a one sided friendship, for example she relied on me and stayed with us for weeks when something terrible happened to her, but refused to come with me to dd's MRI scan as she "might be on holiday"

I think I should see this friendship for what it is, and am going to cancel, gracefully. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Lorelei76 · 03/09/2016 23:16

Oh so you've already had other arrangements that didn't work because of the friend wanting to bring BF? Jeez, she needs to get with the programme.

Original poster
Laodicean · 03/09/2016 23:17

Yes, I worry she will discuss it with him.

It's quite bad, DH of many years has been having an affair and the fallout of that. Not just self obsessed wallowing!

OP posts:
pictish · 03/09/2016 23:24

Aw I'm sorry OP.
Fwiw I let my bestest and oldest friend out to pasture about eight years ago for similar reasons. It was one sided in her favour and there came a point where the friendship started to make me feel foolish...and there's no room in my life for that.
If it's any consolation I don't miss her and rarely think about her, despite having been friends for 20 years. I liked her but that didn't make her a good friend.

Original poster
Laodicean · 03/09/2016 23:30

Thanks, Pictish, I do feel foolish and know really she's not what I'd like her to be, there's loads like that, including bare minimum contact when my sister died and when I had a miscarriage: mere acquaintances were so much better!

This thread has made me think I am not mad, so I am going to cancel the weekend trip, and do something else for me instead.

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 03/09/2016 23:31

She knows about a massive relationship thing I have, and I am worried she wants to avoid talking about it. I may be boring!

she relied on me and stayed with us for weeks when something terrible happened to her, but refused to come with me to dd's MRI scan as she "might be on holiday"

She isnt a friend. You're considerate and book a hotel at your expense when she has stayed with you for weeks.

Just cancel and make something up.

pictish · 03/09/2016 23:34

That sounds like a much better plan. Good for you. x

dewdrop68 · 03/09/2016 23:38

I'd avoid it and see another friend if you can. She should know the reason why you need to see her.
My sister is like this. I recently went through an awful break up and every time she came to my house for a chat she'd bring her partner with her. So I'd be sat there a bit teary and emotion and needing support but wouldn't be able to talk to her because he would be sat with us!

LeonardInTheArgosBag · 03/09/2016 23:53

Gosh, no. She's a total fair-weather friend. I'm so sorry OP. Post here if you need hand holding. X

Original poster
Laodicean · 03/09/2016 23:55

Thanks all. I feel much better for this thread, glad I braved it

OP posts:
stolemyusername · 03/09/2016 23:55

I would be honest with her but still cancel.

Let her know that you needed a friend you could confide in as you're having a shit time, not to watch her play all loved up with her new boyfriend and that after being there on many previous occasions you thought that she would take the time to be there for you.

She's a shit friend and you deserve better, I'm sort you are having to deal with all of this.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 04/09/2016 00:04

YNBU. Does she need him to hold her hand. in everything she does. FFS.
I mean if you were going to their house. I'd be saying. Well I sympathise, but. With the greatest respect. It is his home. Where else do you suggest he goes..

MylaMimi · 04/09/2016 00:04

CheerfulYank "When I want a chat with female friends, that's what I want. No husbands, no kids. I have my own DH and DC, they are not a novelty to me". I feel exactly the same way! Grin It annoys me when friends bring their DHs and DCs along to what was meant to be an extremely rare meet up for us just as friends. "Oh DD really wanted to see you". Well that's sweet, but why not book a separate time in for DCs and DHs? I can't stand it. You can't have a proper conversation with parenting and partnering going on at the same time. Planned in advance, yes. Brought along/brought in late notice NO.

CheerfulYank · 04/09/2016 06:52

Right Myla! I'm here to complain about men and children and I can't do that with some of them sitting a foot away! GTFO. :o

OP I think canceling is for the best but I'm sorry it went that way.

tighterthanscrooge · 04/09/2016 07:03

I have this with my best friend except it's with phone calls! Neither of them work so every time I call her, no matter what time of day he is there in the background trying to join in the conversation! Drives me fucking mad and I don't call her as much now and I think it will ultimately derail our friendship after we've been friends 10 years. I've told her I want to speak to just her without him in the background joining in but it still happens

RhiWrites · 04/09/2016 07:33

I was going to ask if you had a partner you would have brought if you'd known it was going to be that kind of weekend. Then I saw about your husband's affair.

You poor thing. You need wine and sympathy and lots of 1:1 time with your friend, not a meet to boyfriend politeness trip. She doesn't sound very empathic at all.

Do you have another friend who would understand better that you can visit instead?

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