A wwyd

[Babystarlight]

I've namechanged & so on as this is an identifying ongoing situation.

Wibu to just bite the bullet and move.

I'm from a big city, dh is from a medium sized town about 20-40 minutes away. Everywhere in between is rural.

When we met neither wanted to move (work commitments) but in the end dh came here and we rented a small house. Dh never very happy due to commute to work (he works about 1 hour away) but we get on with it.

Two dc on and we need to move, we are in a good position to buy a nice house, we are bursting at the seams in this small house and the road is horrible anyway.

The problem is dh isn't happy to buy here, but this is where the dcs schools, clubs and my work is. His work is very well paid, mine not so much but fits around school. Dh is unhappy because it costs him so much time (he works way past his town), and he doesn't like living in a big city anyway.

To be honest I'm not exactly in love with this place either it's just where I've always lived and I like having a choice of everything on our doorstep in terms of shops and leisure activities. Although the smaller town has everything you need too.

Then there's family, all mine live here, but I don't see them loads anyway, his family are there and they are very close knit. My dc are very close to my mum but she's unwell and can't drive and I'm worried moving would damage that bond because it would be all about dh and his family.

Then there's uprooting the dc, they'd have to change schools but it would mean living on a nicer road, nicer house they could play out which they can't here. They are primary school age.

I could potentially still get to work but I think long term I'd have to look for another job. Dh thinks he'd be around more to do the childcare if we moved but I'm worried that he wouldn't in reality (irregular hours).

I keep changing my mind between wanting to go for it and thinking he's totally selfish for wanting us all to uproot just for him. He doesn't want to get a new job and says he'd have to take a pay cut if he did.

But it

It seems like I really really don't want to move. I do like the town, I can see the good points of it. We need to move anyway.

I'm just being realistic about my job, schools and childcare. Yes it would make dhs life easier but it would make mine and the dcs harder. Though there might be some good for the dc too.

I hate the way dh is so dismissive of my job and the dcs schooling.

I share the concern about you losing your financial independence. The logistics of you commuting to your less well paid job, while paying childcare costs on top and doing all the drop offs and pick ups, seem unmanageable in the long term. If you give up your job and can't find a new one in your new area, you're stuck.

He's said you don't need to work, but you're not moving for a better paid job for him are you? It's the same job isn't it? So your household income goes down - so can you afford this lovely big house in the leafy quiet area that he's dreaming of if you're on one income?

It can be argued both ways, but for you, how important is your job and financial independence? It's not important to him, he's said so. Is it a deal breaker for you? Could you be a SAHM happily or would you feel trapped and stuck in a place, and maybe a marriage, that makes you unhappy?

cross posted with you

The more you post about him, the more it looks like you should be really wary of this move.

He isn't even willing to work through the logistical issues- he just wants you to give up any shred of independence you have in order to prop up his demands. And he's perfectly willing to make life much harder than it needs to be for you and for the children so that he can get his way.

No matter what he tells you, you aren't being selfish.You're being realistic.

FFS keep your job. It is sounding more and more like you are going to need it.