A wwyd

[Babystarlight]

I've namechanged & so on as this is an identifying ongoing situation.

Wibu to just bite the bullet and move.

I'm from a big city, dh is from a medium sized town about 20-40 minutes away. Everywhere in between is rural.

When we met neither wanted to move (work commitments) but in the end dh came here and we rented a small house. Dh never very happy due to commute to work (he works about 1 hour away) but we get on with it.

Two dc on and we need to move, we are in a good position to buy a nice house, we are bursting at the seams in this small house and the road is horrible anyway.

The problem is dh isn't happy to buy here, but this is where the dcs schools, clubs and my work is. His work is very well paid, mine not so much but fits around school. Dh is unhappy because it costs him so much time (he works way past his town), and he doesn't like living in a big city anyway.

To be honest I'm not exactly in love with this place either it's just where I've always lived and I like having a choice of everything on our doorstep in terms of shops and leisure activities. Although the smaller town has everything you need too.

Then there's family, all mine live here, but I don't see them loads anyway, his family are there and they are very close knit. My dc are very close to my mum but she's unwell and can't drive and I'm worried moving would damage that bond because it would be all about dh and his family.

Then there's uprooting the dc, they'd have to change schools but it would mean living on a nicer road, nicer house they could play out which they can't here. They are primary school age.

I could potentially still get to work but I think long term I'd have to look for another job. Dh thinks he'd be around more to do the childcare if we moved but I'm worried that he wouldn't in reality (irregular hours).

I keep changing my mind between wanting to go for it and thinking he's totally selfish for wanting us all to uproot just for him. He doesn't want to get a new job and says he'd have to take a pay cut if he did.

Frankly I can't be the only one who thinks moving to a new house 20 minutes away is not some kind of life changing trek . It's moving up the road.

Would it work if you insisted on an au pair or do you think he would get the move sorted and then change his mind about it?

The more I read, the less I like this man!

Cant you find something nicer where you currently live? All of the houses cant be on a major road.

To be honest, 1 hour (if its door to door) is not actually bad as a commute, so not sure what he is complaining about.

You are moving somewhere where you are EXPECTED to stop working where you will know no no one and have no family back-up. Seriously, what is in it for you! You get to see more of him? Probably not because he will be back with old friends, using the extra time to pick up on hobbies, etc. Great for him, but he is isolating you for 40 mins per day. Nice!

So I think your major question should be "what's in it for me?"

Trafalgar my job isn't THE job, but it's one of those jobs in a school that are like gold dust, fits perfectly around the dc and I've got mum just down the road if they are ill.

He earns much more than me.

Trafalgargal It depends where you live.

In London its virtually on the same street, certainly not far enough away to make a fuss about. Where I live, depending on the direction you go in, you could be well into the wild middle of nowhere 8 villages away in a different county!

There are nice roads round here yes but he won't buy in this city because he just area it. He hates that the city is so big and he hates his commute.

Bogey he's agree to anything if we moved but once we got there, well you know.

Bogey
Why is he been selfish ?
He agreed to move to accomadate the OP in the past and take on a longer commute to do so, the move would be to a better house, in a better area with more facilities for the children. Possibly the OP would have a commute until she found a job in the new area but it's the same commute she was happy for him to do to accommodate her wants for several years.
I'm not sure where you are seeing selfish in this.

What if you put a stop to the whole conversation and said "No. I dont want to move there and I am not moving there as there seems to be no benefit at all to anyone except you". What would happen then?

Bogeyface has hit the nail on the head.

It's a nicer place to live -for him.
It's an easier commute - for him.
The lack of school choices are not a problem - because they don't impact on him.
He'll be at home more - but not at a time which will be at all helpful for childcare in any form.
He'll be closer to his family.

What's in it for you?

• a commute as least as long as his time saving

-loss of work flexibility and ability to do school runs -loss of own income/career security if you have to give up your job -loss of emergency childcare -zero extra logistical contribution from your husband -access to transport?? You mention having to get the train, do you not drive /have a car of your own at the moment?

• further away from mother who may become more dependent
• possibility of a quieter/nicer house

What's in it for the children?

• a strong chance of not being able to get into a good,local school due to oversubscription.

• the possibility of having to drop extra curricular activities that don't run / you won't be able to take them to.
• the chance that there might be alternative activities that you can get to in the more limited timeframe you'll have

• leaving established school and friends
• the possibility of making new friends.

So overall, if you move it looks fairly balanced for the children, much easier and more convenient for your husband, and he'll of a lot more work and risk for you.

Trafalgar there aren't better facilities there we had everything on our doorstep here, it's just a bit nicer there being a smaller place, if that's what you like.

Bogey if I said that we'd just carry on but we'd never buy and just carry on being squeezed into a small house.

A hell of a lot more work ...damn autocorrect!

Inertia that sums it up. I suppose I'd have the benefit of a happier husband.

I am seeing selfish because he is being very manipulative in order to get his own way. He has made promises about drop offs etc that the OP knows for a fact he cant do due to when he has to be at work. She has said if he promised to get an au pair then chances are that would change as soon as they actually moved. He wants her to pack in her job rather than get proper support (that she has given him over the years by doing the childcare, school runs and arranging cover for sick days etc) in order to keep working.
The kids have to change schools and the OP has no local family support.
All in order to cut down a commute by 40 minutes.

I think that before any move, I'd need to sit down with DP and establish exactly what he is proposing to do to decrease your childcare burden. From my own experience, hand waving tends to lead to absolutely no practical help when you sit down and hammer out what he will actually commit to.

I think that you suspect as I do that there wouldn't be extra help from him, and you would end up either run off your feet, or having to leave your job and not being able to find another if you made the move.

Inertia I do drive but because of traffic coming this way into the city it would be far quicker to get a train to work.

To be fair I work in a school so I'm off during holidays which is why he thinks I should do the commute.

I would say don't move. I can't believe some of the responses on here TBH.

If you are leaving an area with outstanding schools which the kids can get into straightforwardly where you live on to an area where they are oversubscribed and 'good' ones, that's mad.

But this is the key point:

"I understand he's had enough but from my point of view his commute now would then be my commute, but I'd still be juggling the childcare and having lost the backup if they're ill."

I think people saying that he will convert time spent on commuting to childcare are being potentially very naive indeed.

I wouldn't do it.

Inertia makes a good point about how things that dont affect him are dismissed as not important.

Have you looked into the school situation in more depth? Where the good schools are and whether they are oversubscribed etc and what the chances are of getting them into anywhere decent. If you presented him with cold hard facts about them ending up in somewhere underperforming, do you think he would dismiss that too? I think I know the answer to this.....

You'd have a happier husband, at the expense of your own job security and ability to meet the needs of the rest of the family.

Have you ever added up the time you spend working/ commuting/ doing the school pickups and activities/ family and household related jobs ? How does it stack up against his time?

How much extra working time will be generated for you by the move, and how does that compare to the 40 ,minutes he will save on some (not all) work days ?

Would he take on emergency childcare then? Because if you're going to be a 40 minute commute away by train then it's going to have to be him that goes in if they need clean clothes/are sick.

He'd probably have to take on either pickups or drop-offs too, since you will have to leave earlier than him - will he commit to those?

I would move.
We are currently living in a rural area, this is the 4th house we've lived in over the last 4 years - every move has been necessary for DH's career (Give you 3 guesses what he does for a living ) and we are looking at yetanother move at the end of this year.
Your kids are still young enough to settle into a new school, you've said you could get a new job or live on DH's income (even if that's only temporary), and the move isn't exactly cross county is it? An hour here or there isn't going to uproot your family massively.

Why not start applying for school jobs in the new area , if one comes up then fate has made the decision for you. I worked in a school for a while when my son was at school ,I then switched to working from home which gave me all the advantages of paid holiday, paye , sick pay, pension etc plus things school don't offer like company discounts, bonuses as well as no fares or business dress to pay for. It's not well advertised but there's a heap of very well known companies who have staff based remotely including major retailers , utility's, telecommunications , car hire all sorts. Lots of the workers have school age children. Too many people think working in schools are the only option but there are others.

I know it's all a bit confusing.

As it is now I can do school drop offs/pick ups and then drive to work. I'm also off during the holidays.

If I moved I'd get the train and would use childcare before and after school but I'm still not sure it would work because of all the timings. I'd need to be on a train by 7.45am.

He's saying he'd drop me at the station then drop off the dc, but he's 30 minutes from work and has to be in at 8. It wouldn't work.

Bogey he says they'd do fine wherever they go to school and they'd benefit more from a nicer house. That is the beginning and the end of it for him.

Bogey he says they'd do fine wherever they go to school and they'd benefit more from a nicer house. That is the beginning and the end of it for him.

Hi CANT do the childcare if he starts at 8am. What time does he finish? In time to pick up from school - LIKE THE OP??? Probably not.

And to those who ask "what is moving 20 mins" turn it round - what does moving only 20 mins gain the husband - 40 mins a day which is not enough to change your lifestyle for.

I wouldn't do it for the fact that you will be totally dependent on HIM. Unless you actually want to give up your job in which case you should move. But I dont think you want to.